


Mid-Day and My Eyes Burn From the Sun

by alisandy



Category: Homestuck, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: ASMR: Eridan Catches Him, ASMR: Sollux Is Clumsy, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Blood and Injury, Constant Innuendo, Dirty Thoughts, Edgy Music, Eridan Smiles A LOT, Eridan's Nonbinary., God Vriska Is A Bitch, I'll Update These As It Goes On, LISTEN TAVROS WILL BE SNARKY I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL, Lore/Myths, Lots of arguments, M/M, Maybe I'll Make A Playlist For This, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Mentions of Violence, Multi, Other, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Sollux Is Stupid, Sollux Is Stupid x2, Sollux Smokes., Sollux Thinks With His Dick, Stupid Teenagers, Supernatural Elements, This Is Going To Be A Huge List, Twilight AU., Twilight AU?, Vampire jokes, Werewolves, Wet Dream, cursing, falling, ft. Dave and Karkat fighting literally every single chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 169,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24317200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alisandy/pseuds/alisandy
Summary: In which I get incredibly bored during quarantine, and rewrite Twilight, but with Eridan and Sollux. Statistically changed around 75% of the plot, for my own selfish reasons. Still tried to stay true to the original story- and yes, they still sparkle. Not sorry. All credit goes to Stephenie Meyer.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Feferi Peixes/Nepeta Leijon (Minor), Feferi Peixes/Sollux Captor (Minor), Gamzee Makara/Kanaya Maryam, Nepeta Leijon/Equius Zahhak (pale), Porrim Maryam/Rufioh Nitram, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido (pale), Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido (past), Terezi Pyrope/Karkat Vantas (Minor, The Disciple/The Signless | The Sufferer, The Dolorosa/The Psiioniic | The Helmsman
Comments: 68
Kudos: 68





	1. First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> I'd never given much thought to who I was.
> 
> My vision had always been a blur, like pressing a button on a remote and seeing the movie flash before your eyes. The movie that consisted of my life was riddled by desperately combing down cowlicks, speaking between thick retainers, and years of speech therapy that'd failed to hide my lisp. The yelling of my parents distinctly muted by the opening soundtrack of a game, the spasms of my older brother late at night, years after the accident we all thought he'd heal from, eventually.
> 
> Looking back on it now, I realize my existence had always been mundane, always expecting more. I wasn't built for the life of a typical human, and no matter how hard I'd tried playing along with the roles, reciting my father's scriptures and hanging out with friends, I'd always found myself closed off, in a bedroom, hidden between lines of code, and bottles of pills.
> 
> Yet- I can't seem to regret anything that brought me to where I am now, away from my family, and in the ice cold grip of the monster I'd grown to not fear, but love.
> 
> The hunter's eyes meet mine, and in a split second before it all ends, before our worlds clash into Armageddon, there is peace.
> 
> I feel safe, and this is where I am meant to be.

* * *

In the outskirts of Washington state, hidden between miles of forest and thick, gray clouds of rain, rests a sleepy little town named Forks.

Population: Three thousand, five hundred, and sixty-one. Granted- I'd never had an issue with the town thus far, it was quite peaceful, and the folks minded their business. While my family preferred the city, and resided across in Seattle, my cousins and aunt and uncle stayed in the sleepy town, and my family went around for yearly visits. I'd always enjoyed their company, it was rather nice to see my cousins, but the shit was always timed perfectly- cut short right before my siblings and I would go mad in the town where fishing was considered a past-time.

We'd stopped showing up for our yearly vacations after my older brother's accident left him hospitalized, then bed-ridden, and then permanently handicapped. Aside from the lack of time, there was simply no money to waste it all on spending two months in a town with nothing to do, while Mituna was stuck in a cramped nursing home, awaiting our weekly visits. My mother took well to the change, eager to spend more time in her boutique, while I spent my time writing up lines of code, and sending it up to my cousins, and the friends he had introduced me to. Occasionally, my father would ask for help with the beehives in our yard, but after multiple stings, and multiple onions wasted on swollen skin, he deemed me incapable of bee-keeping, and let me continue to my own devices.

Things continued like that for years, and by the time I was seventeen, I'd all but forgotten about the sleepy town of Forks, and the lakes I'd go fishing on with my cousin, the forests I'd hike through with my brother. There was simply no time for it, no time for dwelling on the minuscule town, until my parents decided after my father had retired that they were going to remodel to home to fit my brother's needs, and finally move him back in. Mom was retiring soon after, and they simply didn't have the time to keep me occupied, and decided shipping me off to Forks was the best decision.

I didn't have much of a say, simply not wanting to be a burden, and all things considered- I didn't know how to use a screwdriver, or take apart a sink. I packed my bags, and by the time it was the first week of spring, I was standing beside the little covered plastic chairs that marked the local bus station, awaiting my cousin's- Karkat's, beaten down red truck, the one his father had driven before him.

The chirring of its old engine marked his arrival before he even bothered calling, but I couldn't find myself annoyed- instead, mostly relieved. One look of his dimpled smile through the slightly tinted windows, and I found myself quickly feeling more comfortable with my surroundings, even with the sudden downpour. Karkat didn't bother stepping out, he knew I wasn't an idiot either, and after moving my bags to the back, I stepped up to the passenger seat, taking my seat, and leaning back against the worn down, rock solid fabric. Karkat had tried covering the missing chunks of fabric with flannel blankets, simply not caring enough to stitch it back together- according to him, it added 'personality', though it was rather obvious he had no idea how to use a needle, nor did he care to.

I stretched uncomfortably as I reached to put my seat-belt on, arms too long to fit properly against the door, legs too long to fit under the dashboard. Karkat took notice of my struggle, and took in a mixture of a breath and chuckle, before turning over to me as he stopped the car at a red light, and looked me up and down.

"What the actual fuck are they feeding you up in rich-fuck city? You've grown a whole foot, Captor."

Best thing about Karkat? He has no filter. There's no real reason to be uncomfortable around him, as he says what comes to mind, no matter what. I find myself very quickly relaxing, crossing my arms and leaning back as I laughed myself, mumbling a 'fuck you', before resting my teeth on my lip, and gnawing down at one of my snakebites. It was bad for them, obviously, but a coping mechanism, and I found myself doing it more often nowadays, to the constant dismay of my parents.

The car ride was full of light, but idle chatter, reflecting on how we'd both grown up. Karkat was finally working along with his father in the job, and he'd finally owned up to the fact that he had a thing for Terezi, and was able to talk to her normally.

I'd gotten taller, the chip on my shoulder had grown, and along with that, I'd filled my face with metal, and cut my hair shorter. I'd stopped wearing my obnoxiously blue and red glasses — the one I’d colored in with the sharpies I’d stolen — instead replacing them with more respectable glasses, and started trying to practice physical, and daily hygiene. It was — lackluster, the results at least. I still felt pretty shitty, all the time. Wasn’t that normal, though?

As we pulled into the drive-way of his home, a little two-story farmhouse nestled between acres of forest and green, too much green. It made me nauseous just looking at it, and as I stepped out of the car and moved to grab my things, I was met by Karkat's younger sister, Nepeta, coming outside, and walking up to me. She'd finally grown into the family genes, reaching close to her brother and I's height, above the six foot mark, and her limbs were riddled with the hint of muscles, even against the gray clouds and fog around us all. 

Although it was frightening- while I remembered Nepeta as the short girl with black pin straight hair that fell to her shoulders, pushed back by fake, blue cat ears, she'd now grown taller than me, and ditched all of her childish habits, and, well, she looked as though she could crush me. She definitely could, and possibly her own brother too, but instead she gave a smile and pulled me into a tight hug. After a few seconds, she pulled away, a smile still evident on her face, until she spoke. 

"Mom and Dad are waiting inside, they've got a whole party set up."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

My annoyance was evident- they'd promised it'd be like any other day, knowing I absolutely hated being the center of attention, and receiving gifts. I wanted to just go in, set my bags down, and take a nap, but Karkat gave a small shrug, and an apologetic grin.

"You know how my Dad is, sorry man."

As they walked inside, I very seriously considered ditching my bags and running into the forest- very likely, I could hide there until they threw the party off, but Karkat's dad was also the chief police, and there was a higher chance I'd be found, and reprimanded over it.

After a few moments of sulking out in the gentle downpour, I took a breath, and stepped inside, resigning myself to the longest two hours of my existence.

Once we'd all caught up, and my parents were called to be informed I'd arrived safely, I was finally allowed to take solace in my bedroom, the guest room that inhabited the attic, where my parents had always stayed prior. It looked exactly the same, though the bed-sheets were replaced with blue and red ones, and yellow-tinted lights were strung around, likely a result of Terezi's decorating skills. There was a single book shelf, and a decent looking computer resting on a desk. Karkat had mentioned previously that he'd decided to give me some of his older posters, stating that the wooden paneling of the room gave him a headache, though I couldn't find myself to be bothered over it. It gave it all a simple, cabin like feeling, and was relatively relaxing. Still, he'd gone ahead with it, and covered most of the walls in old metal band posters, and old games we'd liked when we were younger. On the windowsill, beside the small bay window decorated with simple pillows, were a few plants, and I recognized one as lavender, and the other as a type of succulent. 

It was relaxing, the bedroom, and after putting away most of my things, and calling my parents, I turned off the lights one by one, laying down on the bed, falling asleep as traces of moonlight peeking from the window danced across my skin.

* * *

The next morning, I woke with resigning dread, and slight anticipation for what was to come. My aunt didn't hover, instead simply relying on the clock she'd set up in the bed-room, and giving me a polite smile when I came downstairs, and took a bite of the toast she'd left for me.

After small talk, and a round of good-mornings, I left with Karkat, Nepeta having left earlier with her best friend for practice. I found myself growing more anxious as the morning progressed, though, wasn't that to be expected?

Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven, now fifty-eight students. There were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here had grown up together — their grandparents had been toddlers together.

I would be the new boy from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

Maybe, if I looked like a boy from Seattle should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I had the tan, and the looks to go for it- taking after my father in his jaw, black curls framing my face — dark, serious eyes curtained over by bushy brows, a thick yet structured nose, and plump lips. I had a nice smile, decently straight teeth, and a tall yet average build, but I was soft everywhere I should have been hard, and my eyes were framed by darker eye bags, my face gaunt, the result of too much focus on devices, too little on supplementing my own body.

Even then, however, my looks were not horrible, and not simply plain by any stretch of the word. I'd had a few girlfriends in Seattle, most notable being a pretty girl who enjoyed taxidermy, but even then — my personality was simply too overbearing, too erratic. If one took the time to deal with it, they'd find I was funny, sort of nice at times, but the fact of the matter was, rarely anybody cared enough to realize.

That was melodramatic, but also the truth.

Stepping inside of the school was surreal, at best. At home, I'd always walked into school expecting a headache, blaring my own music to prevent it from forming. Headaches made me stressed, and in turn being stressed made me unstable, and more dependent on medication. Here, it was calm, aside from the occasional chatter of a friend group. I found the office rather quickly, and was met by a little lady with fuchsia glasses, thick, dark curls held back in a tight bun.

"Do ya' need anything?"

Her accent took me back, thick and not from around... at all, instead matching those of the Italian reality shows my mother watched back at home. It was a breath of fresh air, and I found myself growing more comfortable in her company.

"I'm Tho- Sollux, Captor."

I mentally cursed my lisp for coming out, but was cut off guard by the glint of awareness in her eyes, and the sudden realization that I was expected, and the topic of gossip here.

The Chief's nephew with the disabled brother, spending the year here, at last!

After a few moments of watching her dig through files, she finally plucked out a thin white sheet, giving it a toothy grin, and signing it with a clunky, pink pen.

"I've your schedule- and a map, right here, darlin'."

I gave as best of a smile as I could, even with the metal across my lips, and listened as she went through my classes for me, highlighting the best route to each on the map, and gave me a slip to have each teacher sign, which I was to bring back at the end of the day. She smiled at me and hoped, like my aunt and uncle, that I would like it here in Forks. I gave as best of a convincing 'thank you' as I could.

As I stepped out of the office, and looked out to the windows leading to the parking lot, other students were starting to arrive. I was glad to see that most of the cars were older like mine, nothing flashy. At home I'd lived in one of the few lower-income neighborhoods, but it was a common thing to see a new Mercedes or Porsche in the student lot. The nicest car here was a shiny Volvo, and it stood out. I found myself mocking the owner of the vehicle — whoever it may be, for choosing such an obnoxious car, in such a small town. 

I looked at the map as I walked, trying to memorize it now — hopefully I wouldn't have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed everything in my bag, slung the strap over my shoulder, and sucked in a huge breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. I finally exhaled and stepped into the main hall, hearing as every few seconds, someone else entered the school.

I kept my face down as I walked around, looking for the cafeteria, trying to find it without the map.

Once I got around the cafeteria, building three was easy to spot. A large black "3" was painted on a white square on the east corner. I felt my chest tighten as I entered the classroom, but remembered the breathing exercises my therapist back home had given me — and took light, yet deep breaths.

The classroom was small. The people in front of me stopped just inside the door to hang up their coats on a long row of hooks. I copied them. They were two girls, one a brunette, the other also pale, with black hair. They were shorter than me, and I found myself amused by that, but didn't dwell on it. Mostly everyone I'd ever met was.

I took the slip up to the teacher, a tall, balding man whose desk had a nameplate identifying him as Mr. Nitram. He gawked at me when he saw my name - not an encouraging response, and of course I flushed tomato red. But at least he sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they managed. I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating. I went through different arguments with her in my head while the teacher droned on. Of course, I could always just pretend to visit...

When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a small, yet chubby girl with frizzy, brown waves walked up to me, resting her hands on my desk in an attempt to keep herself standing, but also look... chill. It was slightly endearing.

"You're Sollux Vantas, aren't you?" She looked like the overly helpful, student council type. I found myself noticing her accent was similar to that of the lady in the office, and now that I'd looked up at her, she bore a slight resemblance to her as well.

"Captor," I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me, before continuing to their own class.

"Where's your next class?" She asked. I had to check in my bag. "Um, Government, with Peixes, in building six."

There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes, who once were made eye contact with quickly turned away, and stood up.

"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…" Definitely over-helpful.

"I'm Feferi," She added, brown eyes wide, light freckles dusting against her cheeks.

I smiled slightly, a little confused, but rather grateful. 

"Thanks."

We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop, but passed it off as paranoia, instead turning to Feferi, noticing she looked as though she wanted to speak.

"So, this is a lot different than Seattle, huh?" She asked.

"Sort of."

"Aren't boys there supposed to be big, hunky, football players?"

"Totally, but they kicked me out because there was too much competition. Me staying would have caused a riot."

She studied my face and build apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use sarcasm. We walked back around the cafeteria, to the south buildings by the gym. Feferi walked me right to the door, though it was clearly marked.

"Well, good luck," She said as I touched the handle. "Maybe we'll have some other classes together." She sounded hopeful, and in a slight way, it was cute.

I smiled at her vaguely and went inside.

However, at the same time, it was fucking annoying.

The rest of the morning passed in about the same fashion. My Trigonometry teacher, Mrs. Serket, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject she taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, lisped, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat.

After two classes, I started to recognize several of the faces in each class. There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me questions about how I was liking Forks. I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot. Sarcasm was also vital, and I took slight joy in watching them get confused over whatever I'd say. At least I never needed the map.

Nepeta sat next to me in both Trig and Spanish, and she walked with me to the cafeteria for lunch. She was much more confident than me, though that was obvious. As we walked, she'd occasionally pause and wave at a friend, or drag me along to meet someone she thought I'd love. I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes, rolling my eyes every few seconds when she'd mention who she thought would make a cuter couple. I didn't try to keep up.

We sat at the end of a full table with several of her friends, who she introduced to me. I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them. They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me, until she mentioned that we were, in fact, related. The girl from English, Feferi, waved at me from across the room. It was there, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to make conversation with seven curious strangers, that I first saw them.

They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them. They weren't gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.

They didn't look alike at all, but yet- at the same time, they did. There were two boys, engaged in light, occasional banter, hinted at by the slight movement of their lips. 

One had his black hair brushed back into a comb-over, however it had a slightly tousled aesthetic, with lighter tips pointing outwards. He was the tallest of the bunch, and much more muscular than the rest- like a serious weight lifter, and he had a constant smile. He seemed to be the most eccentric of the bunch, but still quiet, still threatening. The second was tinier- wispier, but still slightly muscular, albeit thinner. He wore his thick curls in a ponytail, yet as much of a mess he seemed to be, it all seemed... perfect. He was definitely attractive, and didn't seem to have to try much... at all. None of them did.

The girls sat on the opposite end, and seemed to be polar opposites of each other. The taller one was beautiful- long, black waves falling to her mid-back, green makeup dusting over her eyelids, matte black lipstick complimenting her perfect pout. She seemed like the type that was on the cover of a magazine, like I'd sit and gawk at her long legs for hours, wishing I could have her. 

The other girl was thin, and looked like a fairy- dark hair cropped short into a pixie, wearing what seemed to be the latest of the fashion trends.

The last one was undoubtedly the most beautiful. Their aura drew you in, face soft in the perfect angles, eyes heavy-lidded and cladded with an effortless wing of eyeliner, thin yet pouty lips coated in gloss, and a distinct- yet beautiful, aquiline nose tying all of their features in together. Their hair was ginger, short and flowing in loose — yet styled waves. They were the tiniest of the bunch, absentmindedly poking down at their food, yet- you found yourself drawn in by how sullen, they looked compared to the rest. Tired, even. It was funny though — they were so beautiful, yet the poster child of androgyny. You couldn't — for the life of you, find out who — what they were, and you grew more curious about it all at once.

The funniest part of it all was the fact that I was waxing poetic, without knowing a single thing about them. Simply that they were the exact definition of eye candy.

They were all looking away, away from each other, away from the other students, away from anything in particular as far as I could tell. As I watched, the pixie girl rose with her tray — unopened soda, unbitten apple and walked away with a quick, graceful lope that belonged on a runway. I watched, sort of jealous of her lithe dancer's step, till she dumped her tray and glided through the back door, faster than I would have thought possible. My eyes darted back to the others, who sat unchanging.

"Who are  _ they? _ " I found myself asking my cousin, who simply rolled her eyes, already knowing who exactly I'd meant. Once she turned her head, the tiniest one — the ginger, looked at her, the thinner one, possibly the youngest, perhaps. They looked at my neighbor for just a fraction of a second, and then their dark eyes flickered to mine.

They looked away quickly, more quickly than I could, though in a flush of embarrassment I dropped my eyes at once. In that brief flash of a glance, their face held nothing of interest, it was as if she had called their name, and they'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer.

Nepeta giggled in embarrassment, looking at the table like I did.

"That's Eridan and Porrim Maryam, and Rufioh and Gamzee Makara. The one who left was Kanaya Maryam; they all live together with Dr. Maryam and her husband." She said this under her breath.

I glanced sideways at the beautiful one, the tiny one, who was looking at their tray now, picking a bagel to pieces with long, pale fingers. Their mouth was moving very quickly, their perfectly glossed lips barely opening. The other three still looked away, and yet I felt they were speaking quietly to them.

Strange, unpopular names, I thought. The kinds of names grandparents had. But maybe that was in vogue here — small town names? I wanted to question it, but decided against it, instead picking at my own tray, and sighing.

"They are… very nice-looking." I struggled with the conspicuous understatement.

"Yes!" Nepeta agreed with another giggle. "They're all together though — Porrim and Rufioh, and Gamzee and Kanaya, I mean. And they live together." Her voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town, I thought critically. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Seattle, it would cause gossip.

"Which ones are the Maryams?" I asked. "They don't look related…"

"Oh, they're not. Dr. Maryam is really young, in her twenties or early thirties. They're all adopted. The Makaras are brothers, twins — the brunettes — and they're foster children."

"They look a little old for foster children."

"They are now, Gamzee and Rufioh are both eighteen, but they've been with Mr. Maryam since they were eight. He's their uncle or something like that."

I found myself relating to the situation, and gave a small smile.

"That's really kind of nice — for them to take care of all those kids like that, when they're so young and everything."

"I guess so," Nepeta admitted reluctantly, and I got the impression that she didn't like the doctor and her husband for some reason. With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy. "I think that Dr. Maryam can't have any kids, though," she added, as if that lessened their kindness.

Throughout all this conversation, my eyes flickered again and again to the table where the strange family sat. They continued to look at the walls and not eat.

"Have they always lived in Forks?" I asked. Surely I would have noticed them on one of my summers here.

"No," she said in a voice that implied it should be obvious, even to a new arrival like me. "They just moved down two years ago from somewhere in Alaska."

I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn't the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard.

As I examined them, the youngest, one of the Maryams- the beautiful one, looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in their expression. As I looked swiftly away, it seemed to me that their glance held some kind of unmet expectation.

"Which one is the one with the red hair?" I asked. I peeked at them from the corner of my eye, and they were still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today- they had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked down again.

"That's Eridan. They're gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. Ever since they've moved in, they haven't said a single word to anyone here, and they don't date. Apparently none of the people here are good enough for them." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when they'd turned her — or any of her friends, down.

I bit at my piercings to hide my smile. Then I glanced at them again. Their face was turned away, but I thought their cheek appeared lifted, as if they were smiling, too.

After a few more minutes, the four of them left the table together. They all were noticeably graceful — even the big, brawny one. It was unsettling to watch. The beautiful one, Eridan, didn't look at me again.

I sat at the table with Nepeta and her friends longer than I would have if I'd been sitting alone. I was anxious not to be late for class on my first day. I'd met up with Feferi, who had reminded me that she had existed half way through our conversation, and we'd realized she had Biology II with me the next hour. We walked to class together in silence. She was shy at times, but bubbly. It was endearing.

When we entered the classroom, Feferi went to sit at a black-topped lab table exactly like the ones I was used to. She already had a neighbor. In fact, all the tables were filled but one. Next to the center aisle, I recognized Eridan Maryam by their unusual hair — ginger waves with a single streak of violet, sitting next to that single open seat.

As I walked down the aisle to introduce myself to the teacher and get my slip signed, I was watching them surreptitiously. Just as I passed, they suddenly went rigid in their seat. They stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on their face- it was hostile, furious. I looked away quickly, shocked, going red again. I stumbled over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table. The girl sitting there giggled.

I'd noticed that their eyes were black, coal black.

Mr. Ampora signed my slip and handed me a book with no nonsense about introductions. I could tell we were going to get along. Of course, he had no choice but to send me to the one open seat in the middle of the room. I kept my eyes down as I went to sit by Eridan, bewildered by the antagonistic stare they'd just given me.

I didn't look up as I set my book on the table and took my seat, but I saw their posture change from the corner of my eye. They were leaning away from me, sitting on the extreme edge of their chair and averting their face like they had smelled something bad. Inconspicuously, I sniffed at my jacket. It smelled like linen, my aunt's favorite detergent scent. It seemed an innocent enough odor. I decided to just ignore them, deciding they should go fuck themselves, and hunched over trying to pay attention to the teacher.

Unfortunately the lecture was on cellular anatomy, something I'd already studied. I took notes carefully anyway, always looking down.

I couldn't stop myself from peeking occasionally at the strange... person next to me. During the whole class, they never relaxed their stiff position on the edge of their chair, sitting as far from me as possible. I could see their hand on their left leg was clenched into a fist, and then relaxed, and then they were digging their nails into the fabric of their skinny jeans, tendons standing out under their pale skin. This, too, they never relaxed after that slight movement. They had the long sleeves of lavender cardigan pushed up to their elbows, and their forearm was surprisingly hard and muscular beneath their light skin. They weren't as nearly tiny and frail as they seemed.

The class seemed to drag on longer than the others. Was it because the day was finally coming to a close, or because I was waiting for their nails to dig out of their skin? It never did; they continued to sit so still it looked like they weren't breathing. What was wrong with them? Was this their normal behavior? I questioned my judgment on Nepeta's bitterness at lunch today. Maybe she wasn’t nearly as resentful as I'd thought.

It couldn't have anything to do with me. They didn't know me from the kid behind me. I peeked up at them one more time, and regretted it. They were glaring down at me again, their black eyes full of revulsion. As I flinched away from them, shrinking against my chair, the phrase — if looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.

At that moment, the bell rang loudly, making me jump, and Eridan Maryam was out of their seat. Fluidly they rose — they were much thinner than I had thought, but had the slight definition of toned limbs. Then, they turned their back to me, and they were out the door before anyone else was out of their seat.

I sat frozen in my seat, staring blankly after them. They were a fucking freak, and an asshole. I sighed, deciding not to dwell on it, and began gathering up my things slowly, trying to block the anger that filled me, for fear I'd need to call my aunt, ask her to bring me my bottle of medicine. For some reason, my temper was hardwired to my instability. I freaked out when I was angry, a humiliating tendency.

"Aren't... you Sollux Vantas?" a male voice asked.

I looked up to see a small, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled into orderly spikes, smiling at me in a friendly way. He obviously didn't think I smelled bad, and I found myself giving him a grateful grin.

"Captor," I corrected him, with a smile.

"I'm Tavros."

"Hi, Tavros."

"Do you need any help finding your next class?"

"I'm headed to the gym, actually. I think I can find it."

"That's- um, my next class, too." He seemed thrilled, although a little anxious, though it wasn't that big of a coincidence in a school this small.

We walked to class together; he was a chatterer — he supplied most of the conversation, which made it easy for me. He'd lived in California till he was ten, so he knew how I felt about the city. It turned out he was in my English class also. He was the nicest person I'd met today, but I found his constant stuttering, and slow speech a tad annoying.

But as we were entering the gym, he asked, "So, did you... uh, stab Eridan Maryam with a pencil or what? I've never seen them act like that."

I cringed. So I wasn't the only one who had noticed. And, apparently, that wasn't Eridan's usual behavior. I decided to play dumb.

"Was that the kid I sat next to in Biology?" I asked artlessly, a little... more than obviously annoyed.

"Yes," he said. "They... looked like they were in pain or something."

"I don't know," I responded. "I never spoke to them."

"They... are definitely a weird guy." Tavros lingered by me instead of heading to the dressing room. "If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have... uh, talked to you."

I smiled at him before walking through the locker room door. He was friendly and clearly admiring, as well as a little cute — but, it wasn't enough to ease my irritation. I looked forward to a long night of coding once I got home.

The Gym teacher, Coach Zahhak, found me a uniform but didn't make me dress down for today's class. At home, only two years of P.E. were required. Here, P.E. was mandatory all four years. Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth.

I watched four volleyball games running simultaneously. Remembering how many injuries I had sustained- and inflicted, playing volleyball, I felt almost nauseated. The final bell rang at last. I walked slowly to the office to return my paperwork. The rain had drifted away, but the wind was strong, and colder. I dug my hands into the pockets of my jacket, and sighed.

When I walked into the warm office, I almost turned around and walked back out. Eridan Maryam stood at the desk in front of me. I recognized again that tousled, ginger hair. They didn't appear to notice the sound of my entrance. I stood pressed against the back wall, waiting for the receptionist to be free.

They were arguing with her in a low, yet, attractive voice. I quickly picked up the gist of the argument. They were trying to trade from sixth-hour Biology to another time, any other time.

I just couldn't believe that this was about me. It had to be something else, something that happened before I entered the Biology room. The look on their face must have been about another aggravation entirely. It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike to me.

The door opened again, and the cold wind suddenly gusted through the room, rustling the papers on the desk, swirling my hair around my face. The girl who came in merely stepped to the desk, placed a note in the wire basket, and walked out again. But Eridan Maryam's back stiffened, and they turned slowly to glare at me — their face was absurdly gorgeous, with piercing, hate-filled eyes lined by thick black. For an instant, I felt a thrill of genuine fear, raising the hair on my arms, but soon after, I was simply angry, and considered stepping up to them, trying to see what exactly this midget's problem was. As I took a step, ready to open my mouth, they quickly sped up the conversation.

"Nev-vermind then, I see it's impossible." Their voice was now hinting at strain, with a thick, strange accent around the edges. They took their schedule, and gave the receptionist a polite smile. "Really, thank you so much for your help."

Before I was able to confront them, they quickly walked off, leaving me with a... confused face, as opposed to the angry look I had just carried.

I went meekly to the desk, simply... confused, not really knowing what to say. I handed her the signed sheets, and smiled.

"How did'ya first day go, dear?" the receptionist asked maternally.

"Fine," I sounded bored, and she gave a small smile, though I figured she'd known it wasn't exactly the best.

When I got to Karkat's truck, it was almost the last car in the lot. It seemed like a haven, already the closest thing to home I had in this damp green hole. I sat inside for a while, just staring out the windshield blankly as he drove, listening to his chatter with Nepeta, before putting in my headphones, and sighing as I let my music fill my ears.

I wasn't exactly upset, just stressed, and looked forward to making a big virus when I had gotten home, and sending it to Eridan's student e-mail.

* * *


	2. Open Book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternatively titled "Bite Me, Fish Boy."

The next day was better… and worse, for the most part. I've always been called a pessimist, and even my uncle nagged me when I came home visibly upset from the day prior, telling me to chin up about it, and have fun. I was here to relax, not worry. 

It was... easier said than done.

The next day was better because it wasn't raining yet, though the clouds were dense and opaque. It was easier because I knew what to expect of my day. Nepeta came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Prep Rally Feferi glaring at her all the while; that was nattering- Wasn't our resemblance obvious?. People didn't look at me quite as much as they had yesterday. I sat with a big group at lunch that included Nepeta, Feferi, Tavros, and several other people whose names and faces I now remembered. I began to feel like I was treading water, instead of drowning in it.

Still, even with the best of things, I found a reason to complain. It was my talent, and I was Sollux Captor, master complainer.

It was worse because I was tired, Nepeta had her friend over, a tall, built dude that'd rival Rufioh Makara any day, and each step he took creaked at the floor-boards. It was worse because Mr. Peixes called on me in Government when I hadn't volunteered, and I was so exhausted, I had said the square root of Pi was what our nation would resort to in war. As embarrassing as it was, it got a few chuckles out of the class. It was a pain in the ass because I was called to throw the ball in gym, and somehow ended up smacking my own face, and glasses off all at once.

And, it was absolutely horrid, because Eridan Maryam wasn't in school at all.

Lunch seemed like a nightmare to me, and I spent all of the morning dreading their strange glances, trying to get over how inhumanely beautiful they were, and instead focus on hating them. I was still interested in confronting them- seeing what their problem was, and when my aunt had cut the internet off for the night and I was left sleepless and awake, I imagined what exactly I'd tell them. I imagined how they'd react, some parts... much more, much more exagerrated than others. I'm sure if I went off of my medicine for a day I'd manage to confront them, but that'd involve more of a hassle than it was worth, so for now, I simply entertained the thought of it all.  
However, as I walked into the cafeteria with Feferi, a simple slodge of school lunch on my tray, I looked around- and noticed their four siblings were at the table, as still and creepy as ever, and they weren't there. 

I felt a slight pang in my chest at that- as if I was looking forward to them, but played it off with a dopey grin as Nepeta lead us to her table. Feferi seemed eager about the attention, dragging me along, and I simply went for it, not really sure where else I'd sit otherwise. I tried adding to the conversation, giving my own recommendations for Nepeta's newest edition of match-making, but I couldn't focus on anything other than anxiously waiting for the moment Eridan would come in, when they'd finally arrive. Time went slower than usual, and though I'd found that they weren't here, I hoped they'd arrive, ignore me, and prove my suspicious false.

They didn't show up, and I found myself grow more and more tense.

I walked to Biology with more confidence when- by the time lunch was over, Eridan hadn't shown. Feferi walked alongside me, listing off the qualities of an octopus, whilst I occasionally gave a few nods, acting as if I was interested. I took a breath as I reached the door, taking a step in, exhaling when I noticed Eridan wasn't there. I took my seat, and Feferi lingered over my desk for a few moments, until the bell rang, and she sat next to a blonde with braces, and blue streaks.

I'd have to do something about her, eventually. A part of me argued against that- I'd been single for a few months now, and a guy gets lonely- but, Feferi seemed like the clingy type, and it was easier to let her down slowly. The kids here seemed to be more sensitive than the ones I'd grown up with, which was going to be an adjustment.

I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Eridan was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason they weren't there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true.

When the school day was finally done, and the blush was fading out of my cheeks from the gym incident, I changed quickly back into my jeans and navy blue sweater. I hurried from the boys' locker room, pleased to find that I had successfully evaded my octopus friend for the moment. I walked swiftly out to the parking lot. It was crowded now with fleeing students. I got in Karkat's truck and dug through my bag to make sure I had what I needed.

I successfully dodged Karkat's question about my day, instead asking him about his own, and letting him rant at the Gods' above, seemingly upset that he'd found out Terezi and Dave were getting closer. I chastised him, telling him he should've made a move, while Nepeta ignored my opinion on the subject entirely and leaned forward, giving Karkat supremely 'expert' pointers on romance.  
Karkat gunned his deafening engine to life, ignoring the heads that turned in his direction, and backed carefully into a place in the line of cars that were waiting to exit the parking lot. As I waited, trying to pretend that the earsplitting rumble was coming from someone else's car, I saw the two Maryams and the Makaras twins getting into their car. It was the shiny new Volvo. Of course. I hadn't noticed their clothes before — I'd been too mesmerized by their faces. Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dishrags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn't look as if it bought them any acceptance here.

No, I didn't fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn't imagine any door that wouldn't be opened by that degree of beauty.

They looked at the noisy truck as we passed them, just like everyone else. I kept my eyes straight forward and was relieved when I finally was free of the school grounds.

The aunt and uncle were gone for the night, seemingly on a date, so Karkat was left in charge of dinner, and as a result, we were sitting at the obnoxiously rustic tables of a diner, waiting for our pizza, while Karkat was outside, yelling into his phone.

Nepeta cringed at her brother's actions, picking at the bandages around her thumb for a few seconds, before simply... taking a breath, and looking at me.

"He can be so stupid at times."

"What?" I pulled a breadstick to my mouth as I spoke, looking up at her to make sure she knew I was listening. She didn't look back at me.

"Terezi just wants his attention, it's so obvious. He ignores her for days, says he isn't ready to make a move, and then complains when she moves on." She crossed her arms, seemingly frustrated by all of this, and I found myself nodding along, while chewing.

"He just... always treats her bad, and gets mad at her for leaving. Then, he has an issue with who she gets with, and- oh, thank you." Nepeta was interrupted by the waiter, quickly taking the plates, and setting them down onto the table. She moved to speak, before shaking her head, and standing up.

"Listen, give me a second. Stay here."

I didn't really have a choice, nor did I care. I was hungry. I nodded quietly, watching as she rushed outside to confront her brother, being amused and trying to read their lips. After a few seconds, it grew boring though, and I picked my phone from my pocket, and decided to call my mom.

The phone rang for a few moments, and just when I'd thought they were too busy to answer, my mom picked up the phone, voice light, and comforting.

"Sollux! I've been calling you, is Forks really that much more exciting?"

I rolled my eyes at that, instantly grinning to myself.

"Oh, definitely. There's something about the rain, and old people in tractors." That got a laugh out of her, and after a few moments, she took a breath.

"How is everything honey? Are the kids at school mean?"

"No, they're alright. It's just boring, and the signal is ass everywhere."

"You poor thing, you'll be fine. Are your cousins there?"

Luckily for us both, Nepeta had finally relaxed Karkat and gotten him to come inside, and the two were taking their seats. I mumbled a 'yes', and handed the phone over, before resigning myself to the pizza before me, and digging in.

After saying goodnight to my mother, and paying for dinner, we headed home, and I was back up in the attic, deciding to take advantage of the fact that the internet would be on a little longer. I started writing the code to an application, something sort of a chat room, to talk with all of my friends. I'd made one at home, but it's firewall was too much of a task, and I shut it down a few months in.

Once I'd finished up the outline, I headed downstairs to take my medication and shower, having lost track of the time. It was dark out, and the house was quiet.

"Sollux?" my uncle called out when he heard me on the stairs.

I mumbled a curse, but was more curious on how he'd realized it was me. Was I more light on my feet?

I stepped down the last few steps, standing right before him, and giving him a small smile.

"Hey, tio. Welcome home."

"Thanks." He hung his coat back on the rack as he spoke, and locked the door, before moving to go upstairs, deciding to not question what I was up to. I appreciated it. He paused half-way through though, and turned to face me again, raising a brow.

"What did you all eat for dinner? The dishes were left clean."

"Oh, Karkat took us out to get pizza."

"Huh. Sounds good, but don't tell your aunt- she wants them eating healthier." I laughed at that- getting them to eat healthier was like getting a pig to fly, and he seemed to agree, but went along with it to make her happy.

He took a step down, and went down to the living room. I took the hint to follow, watching as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, and turned on the TV. A few switches of the channels later, a soap opera was on, and I held in a smirk. Like father, like son.

I sat beside him, and we watched the novela quietly. It wasn't uncomfortable. Neither of us were bothered by the quiet. In some ways, we were well suited for living together. "So, how did you like school? Have you made any friends?" he asked as he was taking a sip.

"Well, I have a few classes with Nepeta. I sit with her friends at lunch. And there's this girl, Feferi, who's very friendly. Everybody seems pretty nice." With one outstanding exception.

"That must be Feferi Peixes. Nice kid — nice family. Her dad owns the fishing goods store just outside of town. He makes a good living off all the backpackers who come through here."

"Do you know the Maryam family?" I asked hesitantly.

"Dr. Maryam's family? Sure. Dr. Maryam's a great woman."

"They… the kids… are a little different. They don't seem to fit in very well at school."

My uncle surprised me by looking angry.

"People in this town," he muttered. "Dr. Maryam is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary she gets here," he continued, getting louder. "We're lucky to have her- lucky that her husband wanted to live in a small town. She's an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they're all very mature- I haven't had one speck of trouble from any of them. That's more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should, camping trips every other weekend… Just because they're newcomers, people have to talk."

It was the longest speech I'd ever heard him make. He must feel strongly about whatever people were saying.

I backpedaled. "They seemed nice enough to me. I just noticed they kept to themselves. They're all very attractive," I added, trying to be more complimentary.

"You should see the doctor," He said, laughing. "Your tia will kill me, but it's a good thing she's happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with her around."

We lapsed back into silence as we finished the novela. He threw away his empty beer while I started on my shower. He went back upstairs, to bed, and after my own shower, I went upstairs unwillingly to work on my math homework. I could feel a tradition in the making.

That night it was finally quiet. I fell asleep quickly, exhausted.

The rest of the week was uneventful. I got used to the routine of my classes. By Friday I was able to recognize, if not name, almost all the students at school. In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily stayed out of their way. Eridan Maryam didn't come back to school.

Every day, I watched anxiously until the rest of the Maryams entered the cafeteria without them. Then I could relax and join in the lunchtime conversation. Mostly it centered around a trip to the La Push Ocean Park in two weeks that Nepeta was putting together. I was invited, and I had agreed to go, more out of politeness than desire.

Beaches should be hot and dry.

By Friday I was perfectly comfortable entering my Biology class, no longer worried that Eridan would be there. For all I knew, they had dropped out of school. I tried not to think about them, but I couldn't totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for their continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.

My first weekend in Forks passed without incident. My aunt, unused to spending time in the usually empty house, wrote novels most of the weekend. I cleaned the house, got ahead on my homework, and gave my parents, and my brother, a phone-call. I drove to the library with Nepeta for a book report, but they carried none of the novels we needed, much to our dismay. We'd would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore. I wondered idly what kind of gas mileage the truck got… how they were able to make such long trips, and shuddered at the thought. My tia came around to drop off a thick quilt at the attic, and I found myself sleeping comfortably, warm.

People greeted me in the parking lot Monday morning. I didn't know all their names, but I waved back and smiled at everyone. It was colder this morning, but happily not raining. In English, Feferi took her accustomed seat by my side. We had a pop quiz on Wuthering Heights. It was straightforward, very easy.

All in all, I was feeling a lot more comfortable than I had thought I would feel by this point. More comfortable than I had ever expected to feel here.

When we walked out of class, the air was full of swirling bits of white. I could hear people shouting excitedly to each other. The wind bit at my cheeks, my nose.

"Wow," Feferi said. "It's snowing."

I looked at the little cotton fluffs that were building up along the sidewalk and swirling erratically past my face.

"Ew." Snow. There went my good day.

She looked surprised. "Don't you like snow?"

"No. That means it's too cold for rain." Obviously. "It gets everywhere, and ruins my clothes and things. It's ruined more headphones than I can afford, and it isn't even nice. It smells bad."

"Why... are you smelling snow?" Feferi asked, genuinely confused, and I blinked at her.

"Why aren't you?"

Feferi stared back, and then... laughed. And then a big, squishy ball of dripping snow smacked into the back of her head. We both turned to see where it came from. I had my suspicions about Tavros, who was walking away, his back toward us — in the wrong direction for his next class. Feferi appatently had the same notion. She bent over and began scraping together a pile of the white mush.

"I'll see you at lunch, okay?" I kept walking as I spoke. "Once people start throwing wet stuff, I go inside."

She just nodded, her eyes on Tavros' retreating figure.

Throughout the morning, everyone chattered excitedly about the snow; apparently it was the first snowfall of the new year. I kept my mouth shut. Sure, it was drier than rain — until it melted in your socks.

I walked alertly to the cafeteria with Nepeta after Spanish. Mush balls were flying everywhere. I kept a binder in my hands, ready to use it as a shield if necessary. Nepeta thought I was hilarious, but something in my expression kept her from lobbing a snowball at me herself.

Feferi caught up to us as we walked in the doors, laughing, with ice, and water, tangling her hair into thick strands of waves. She and Feferi were talking animatedly about the snow fight as we got in line to buy food. I glanced toward that table in the corner out of habit. And then I froze where I stood. There were five people at the table.

Nepeta pulled on my arm.

"Hello? Sollux? What do you want?"

I looked down; my ears were hot. I had no reason to feel self-conscious, I reminded myself. I hadn't done anything wrong. I gnawed at my lip, rolling the ball against the hoop against my tongue. I'd be fine.

"What's with Sollux?" Feferi asked Nepeta.

"Nothing," I answered. "I'll just get a tho- soda, today." I caught up to the end of the line.

"Aren't you hungry?" Nepeta asked.

"Actually, I feel a little thick," I said, my eyes still on the floor. She seemingly noticed my nervous lisp, and gave a comforting smile.

I waited for them to get their food, and then followed them to a table, my eyes on my feet.

I sipped my soda slowly, my stomach churning. Twice Feferi asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.

Heh. Twice.

I told her it was nothing, but I was wondering if I should play it up and escape to the nurse's office for the next hour.

But, that was ridiculous. I shouldn't have to run away.

I decided to permit myself one glance at the Maryam family's table. If they were glaring at me, I would skip Biology, like the coward I was.

I kept my head down and glanced up under the guise of my phone. None of them were looking this way. I lifted my head a little.

They were laughing. Eridan, Gamzee, and Rufioh all had their hair entirely saturated with melting snow. Kanaya and Porrim were leaning away as Rufioh shook his dripping hair toward them. They were enjoying the snowy day, just like everyone else, only they looked more like a scene from a movie than the rest of us.   
It was intoxicating to look at, how beautiful they all were.

How beautiful Eridan was.

But, aside from the laughter and playfulness, there was something different, and I couldn't quite pinpoint what that difference was. I examined Eridan the most carefully. Their skin was less pale, I decided — flushed from the snow fight maybe — the circles under their eyes much less noticeable. But there was something more. I pondered, staring, trying to isolate the change.

"Sollux, what are you staring at?" Nepeta intruded, her eyes following my stare. At that precise moment, their eyes flashed over to meet mine.

I dropped my head, pulling my hoodie over my own head, and sighed. I was sure, though, in the instant our eyes met, that they didn't look harsh or unfriendly as they had the last time I'd seen them. They looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way.

"Eridan Maryam is staring at you," Nepeta giggled in my ear.

"They don't look angry, do they?" I couldn't help asking.

"No," she said, sounding confused by my question. "Should they be? Sollux, what did you do?"

"Nothing! I just... I don't think they like me," I confided. I still felt queasy. I put my head down on my arm. My lip was going to be raw by the end of the today.

"The Maryams don't like anybody… well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them. But they're still staring at you. Did you say something to Eridan?"

"No! Stop looking at them," I hissed.

She snickered, but she looked away. I raised my head enough to make sure that she did, contemplating violence if she resisted. 

Feferi interrupted us then, she was planning an epic battle of the blizzard in the parking lot after school and wanted us to join. Nepeta agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Feferi left little doubt that she would be up for anything she suggested. I kept silent. I would have to hide in the gym until the parking lot cleared. For the rest of the lunch hour I very carefully kept my eyes at my own table. I decided to honor the bargain I'd made with myself. Since they didn't look angry, I would go to Biology. My stomach did frightened little flips at the thought of sitting next to him again. I didn't really want to walk to class with Feferi as usual, sheseemed to be a popular target for the snowball snipers, but when we went to the door, everyone besides me groaned in unison. It was raining, washing all traces of the snow away in clear, icy ribbons down the side of the walkway. I pulled my hood up, secretly pleased. I would be free to go straight home after Gym.

I was free to listen to music all throughout the day.

Feferi kept up a string of complaints on the way to building four, but I kept them muted.

Once inside the classroom, I saw with relief that my table was still empty. Mr. Banner was walking around the room, distributing one microscope and box of slides to each table. Class didn't start for a few minutes, and the room buzzed with conversation. I kept my eyes away from the door, doodling idly on the cover of my notebook. I heard very clearly when the chair next to me moved, but my eyes stayed carefully focused on the pattern I was drawing.

"Hello," said a quiet, musical voice.

I looked up, stunned that they were speaking to me. They was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but their chair was angled toward me. Their hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, they looked like they'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. Their dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on their flawless lips. But their eyes were careful.

Light freckles dusted their cheeks, and I found myself staring.

"My name is Eridan Maryam," they continued. "I didn't hav-ve a chance to introduce myself last w-week. You must be Sollux Captor."

I was... much more than confused now. Had I imagined all of their hostility? How much I wanted to absolutely beat them the moment I saw them again? They were being perfectly polite now, little yet strong features contorted into an expression of confusion, and slight innocence. Like they hadn't realized they'd done anything wrong.

"How do you know my name?" I mumbled under my breath, biting at my own lip, not daring to look up and make eye contact.

"Oh- I think the w-whole tow-wn know-ws, ev-verybody's been w-waitin' for your arriv-val."

They had a strange accent and stutter, and I made a mental note to ask about it later. Still, I wanted more answers.

"No, why did you say... Captor?"

"Is that not your last name?" They turned their head to the side, a little confused, bottom lip jutting out instinctively. It was so innocent- adorable, I considered slamming my face into the desk, knocking myself out. It was a better fate than looking at Eridan, and not instantly pulling them into a kiss.

"Yes- it is, but nobody here seems to realize that." I responded bitterly, not noticing my own tone until Eridan visibly flinched, and dropped it. I felt awkward, yet grateful.

Thankfully, Mr. Ampora started class at that moment. I tried to concentrate as he explained the lab we would be doing today. The slides in the box were out of order. Working as lab partners, we had to separate the slides of onion root tip cells into the phases of mitosis they represented and label them accordingly. We weren't supposed to use our books. In twenty minutes, he would be coming around to see who had it right. "Get started," he commanded.

"W-Would you like to go first?" Eridan asked. I looked down to see them smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at them like an idiot.

"Or I could start, if you w-wish." The smile faded, they were obviously wondering if I was mentally competent. I stifled an awkward laugh, and smirked.

"Nah, I'll go first."

I was showing off, just a little. I'd already done this lab, and I knew what I was looking for. It should be easy. I snapped the first slide into place under the microscope and adjusted it quickly to the 40X objective. I studied the slide briefly.

My assessment was confident. "Prophase."

"Do you mind if I look?" they asked as I began to remove the slide. Their hand caught mine, to stop me, as they asked. Their fingers were ice-cold, like they'd been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn't why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When they touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.

"I'm sorry," they muttered, pulling their hand back immediately. However, they continued to reach for the microscope. I watched them, still staggered, as they examined the slide for an even shorter time than I had.

"Prophase," they agreed, writing it neatly in the first space on our worksheet. They swiftly switched out the first slide for the second, and then glanced at it cursorily.

"Anaphase," they murmured, writing it down as they spoke.

I kept my voice indifferent. "May I?"

They smirked, glossy lips complimenting their pale cheeks, and pushed the microscope to me.

I looked through the eyepiece eagerly, only to be disappointed. Fuck, they were right. "Slide three?" I held out my hand without looking at them.

They handed it to me; it seemed like they were being careful not to touch my skin again. I tried to ignore it, and took a look, taking a breath in the process.

"Interphase." I passed them the microscope before they could ask for it. They took a swift peek, and then wrote it down. I would have written it while they looked, but their clear, elegant script intimidated me. I didn't want to spoil the page with my clumsy scrawl. We were finished before anyone else was close. I could see Nepeta and her partner comparing two slides again and again, and another group had their book open under the table.

Which left me with nothing to do but try to not look at them… unsuccessfully. I glanced up, and they were staring at me, that same inexplicable look of frustration in their eyes. Suddenly I identified that subtle difference in his face.

"Did you get contacts?" I blurted out unthinkingly.

They seemed puzzled by my unexpected question. "No."

"Oh," I mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes." Eridan simply shrugged at my accusation, and looked down, plucking at the sleeves of their sweater.

In fact, I was sure there was something different. I vividly remembered the flat black color of their eyes the last time they'd glared at me, the color was striking against the background of their pale skin and their ginger hair. Today, their eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone. I didn't understand how that could be, unless they were lying for some reason about the contacts. Or maybe Forks was making me crazy in the literal sense of the word. I looked down. Their hands were clenched into hard fists again.

Mr. Ampora came to our table then, to see why we weren't working. He looked over our shoulders to glance at the completed lab, and then stared more intently to check the answers.

"So, Eridan, didn't you think Vantas should get a chance with the microscope?" Mr. Ampora asked.

"Captor," Eridan corrected automatically. "Actually, he identified three of the fiv-ve."

Mr. Ampora looked at me now; his expression was skeptical.

"Have you done this lab before?" he asked.

I smiled awkwardly, though a little tired. "Not with onion root."

"Whitefish blastula?"

"Yeah."

Mr. Ampora nodded. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Seattle?"

"Yes."

"Well," he said after a moment, "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." He mumbled something else as he walked away. After he left, I began doodling on my notebook, before turning to a new page, and starting on the code needed for my new app.

"It's too bad about the snow-w, isn't it?" Eridan asked. I had the feeling that they were forcing themself to make small talk with me. Paranoia swept over me again. It felt insulting, and pityful all at once. It was like they had heard my conversation with Nepeta at lunch and were trying to prove me wrong. "Not really," I answered honestly, instead of pretending to be normal like everyone else.  
I was still trying to dislodge the stupid feeling of suspicion, and I couldn't concentrate.

"You don't like the cold." It wasn't a question, though my paranoia made me want to ask how he knew- as if my layers of jackets wasn't a dead give-away.

"Or the wet."

"Forks must be a difficult place for you to live," they mused.

"You have no idea," I rolled my eyes, leaning back on my chair.

They looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason I couldn't imagine. Their face was such a distraction that I tried not to look at it any more than courtesy absolutely demanded.

"W-Why did you come here, then?"

No one had asked me that, not straight out like he did, demanding. It was... intimidating, and I found myself confused.

"It's… complicated."

"I think I can keep up," They pressed.

I paused for a long moment, and then made the mistake of meeting their gaze. Their dark gold eyes confused me, and I answered without thinking.

"My parents are remodeling the house." I said, and really, the reason was much more mundane than others expected.

"That doesn't sound so complex," they disagreed, but they were suddenly sympathetic.

"W-Why did you hav-ve to leav-ve for that?"

"My brother is coming back home." My voice sounded exhausted, tired, even to me.

"Isn't that good?" Eridan raised a brow, seemingly a little confused themself.

"No, it's great, they just need to set the house up for him." I focused on keeping my lisp in order, as best as I could. It was harder with someone of their beauty prying at me.

"W-Why didn't you stay w-with them?"

I couldn't fathom their interest, but they continued to stare at me with penetrating eyes, as if my dull life's story was somehow vitally important.

"He had an accident, and now he's basically... a vegetable. They want to get him used to the house first, and then surprise him with me coming back."

"That's... sw-weet, no?" they asked, smiling in response.

"Yeah, it just... could take a while. 'Tuna forgets a lot of things, and new people freak him out."

"An' your parents sent you here to make sure he w-was comfortable first."

My brows knitted slightly. "No, I sent myself."

Their eyebrows knitted together now. "I don't understand," they admitted, and they seemed unnecessarily frustrated by that fact.

I sighed. Why was I explaining this to them? They continued to stare at me with obvious curiosity.

"My parents had my brother in a nursing home for a few years, but now that they've retired, they want to actually take proper care of him. I left for the year, so they can fix the house, and get him settled and happy."

"But now you're unhappy," they pointed out.

"And?" I challenged.

"That doesn't seem fair." They shrugged, but their eyes were still intense.

I laughed without humor. "Hasn't anyone ever told you, ED? Life isn't fair." I cringed at the nickname I'd subconciously given him, an old habit that never died off.

"I believe I hav-ve heard that somewhere before," they agreed dryly, not questioning the nickname. I appreciated it.

"So that's it," I insisted, wondering why they were still staring at me that way.

Their gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show-w," they spoke slowly, drawing out their vowels. "But I'd be w-willing to bet that you're sufferin' more than you let anyone see."

I grimaced at them, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year-old, and looked away. I'd dealt with enough of this therapy crap at home, and wasn't going to put up with it from someone two heads shorter than me.

"Am I w-wrong?"

I tried to ignore them.

"I didn't think so," they murmured smugly.

"Why doeth it matter to you ?" I asked, irritated, now lisping. I kept my eyes away, watching the teacher make his rounds.

"That's a v-very good question," they muttered, so quietly that I wondered if they were talking to themself. However, after a few seconds of silence, I decided that was the only answer I was going to get.

I sighed, scowling at the blackboard, and considered reaching for my headphones.

"Am I annoyin' you?" they asked. He sounded amused.

I glanced at them without thinking… and told the truth again. "Yes, you are. You're acting like I'm easy to read, or an open book, and it's obnoxious. It gives me a headache."

"On the contrary, I find you v-very difficult to read." Despite everything that I'd said and they'd guessed, they sounded like they meant it.

"You must be a shitty reader then," I replied, not giving a fuck about the smile that graced my lips.

"Usually." They smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultra-white teeth.

Mr. Ampora called the class to order then, and I turned with relief to listen. I had just realized that I'd shared most of my intimate life details with this kid, who seemed to be interested at the time, but was now back to leaning away, digging his nails into their jeans. It was... confusing, irritating.

I tried to appear attentive as Mr. Ampora illustrated, with transparencies on the overhead projector, what I had seen without difficulty through the microscope. But, my head hurt, and my thoughts were spinning. I felt sick, and tired all at once.

When the bell finally rang, Eridan rushed as swiftly and as gracefully from the room as he had last Monday. And, like last Monday, I stared after them in amazement. Feferi skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined her with a wagging tail.

"That was awful," she groaned. "They all looked exactly the same. You're lucky you had Maryam for a partner."

"I didn't have any trouble with it," I said, stung by her assumption. I regretted the snub instantly. "I've done the lab before, though," I added before she could get her feelings hurt. "Eridan seemed friendly enough today!" she commented as we shrugged into our raincoats. She didn't seem pleased about it.

I tried to sound indifferent. "I wonder what was with them last Monday."

I couldn't concentrate on Feferi's chatter as we walked to Gym, and RE. didn't do much to hold my attention, either. Tavros was on my team today. He chivalrously covered my position as well as his own, so my woolgathering was only interrupted when it was my turn to serve; my team ducked warily out of the way every time I was up.

The rain was just a mist as I walked to the parking lot, but I was happier when I was in the dry cab. I got the heater running, for once not caring about the mind-numbing roar of the engine. I unzipped my jacket, put the hood down, and fluffed my damp hair out so the heater could dry it on the way home.

I rested my head against the window as Karkat drove while arguing on the phone, incredibly exhausted.

I looked around, entirely bored. That's when I noticed the still, white figure. Eridan Maryam was leaning against the front door of the Volvo, three cars down from me, and staring intently in my direction. Just as we made eye contact, Karkat's voice raised into the phone, and without thinking, threw the truck into reverse, almost hitting a rusty Toyota Corolla in my haste. Lucky for the Toyota, he stomped on the brake in time. The owner of the car, a blond boy with black sunglasses, seemed to yell out insults, but Karkat ignored it, hanging up, and beginning to drive off. I found myself talking with him as he drove, and I stared straight ahead as we passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw them laughing.


	3. Phenomenon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about time I start making actual changes to the plot, I know.

When I woke up the next morning, it was easy to notice that something was different. Off, and quite unsettling. I found myself clinging to the quilt I had kept beside my bed, a little confused, before remembering the attic's insulation was wearing down, and the only heating in the bedroom came from a rusty little machine on the wall.

It was chirring louder than usual, keeping the room at a decent seventy degrees, but that wasn't what unsettled me. I sat up, then standing up, looking around absentmindedly, before my attention was drawn to the window. It was still foggy, but clearer, making the light sky visible. I looked out, neutral about the fact that my window wasn't covered to the brim in wet or fog, before looking down, and groaning.

Snow wasn't horrible in small amounts, like the previous downpour at school. However, when it covered the ground and shrubbery everywhere along it? When ice formed on the ground, and icicles hung from the roof trimming of the house? That's where I drew the line.   
Usually, in upsetting scenarios like this, I'd skip school, but only because my parents were too occupied to notice. I decided that wouldn't pass without complaint here, and annoyingly got up, and moved to get dressed, and head downstairs.

My uncle had already left early in the morning, he was always called to work in the late hours of night, and my aunt had resigned to her office, leaving us with simple plates of breakfast; toast, eggs, and orange juice.  
I'd gotten ready rather quickly, having showered the night before, and simply sat down and ate my own breakfast, absentmindedly chewing as the sound of the shower running filled my thoughts.

Still, I felt excited to go to school, which... was strange for me. It wasn't my friends, nor the environment. I'd had that at home, and a pretty girl to keep me company. If I was being honest, I had no reason to show up, other than to see Eridan Maryam. It was sick, and definitely creepy, and I could go over dozens of arguments that ended in chastising myself over it, but it all seemed pointless.

I should be avoiding them, if I were to speak logically of it. They were strange, hostile, constantly flipping between acknowledging my company and then acting as if I had stabbed them- but, at the same time, I found myself growing curious, suspicious of them. Why did they care? Why did they lie about their eyes?  
And yet, the more I thought of it, the more I pictured their perfect face, slitted golden eyes boring into my souls, elegantly curved nose turning upwards when anyone in a mile radius said something slightly snarky.

They walked with elegance, as if they knew how beautiful, how above it all they were. I'd gotten over the gawking part, and instead realized that quite frankly, it was a constant reminder of my status. They were leagues above me, rich and beautiful, and our worlds did not clash. So, I had no reason to be nervous, no reason to take my bottle of pills with me today, in case I'd have a breakdown over their influence.

Once Nepeta left the shower, we headed outside, and it took every absolute ounce of concentration to not slip, miss my footing, and fall flat on my face. I almost did fall, but quickly caught myself on the railing of their porch. The siblings simply laughed in response, wondering how on Earth I wasn't used to snow, or ice. The simple answer? I never went out much.  
I silently wondered if it was an omen for the day to come, if I was to expect a literal nightmare. But, that'd be absurd.

The car ride to school was uneventful, Karkat simply playing one of his CDs, while Nepeta focused on finishing up an assignment. I distracted myself from my head, from thoughts of Eridan, and what they could want- by listening closely to the music, memorizing every lyric, every chorus like a line of code. I found my thoughts heading over to Feferi and Tavros, and wondered what was the reason behind their sudden interest towards me.  
Back home, girls and guys had watched me grow up, and while I wasn't unattractive by any stretch of the imagination, there was always better. There was always a jock to date, or a cheerleader to get to third base with.

It was ridiculous, realizing that I was the novelty of the school, the new boy to gawk and stare at, the same way I'd been with Eridan.

But- I found my mind arguing with that statement, as Eridan was unnervingly beautiful, and I was simply... human. Maybe, my awkward height was attractive, instead of a bother? Or, my clumsiness was endearing, rather than pathetic.  
Still, Feferi's possessive and puppy-dog behavior was... unsettling, along with her apparent rivalry with Tavros. I wasn't sure if I enjoyed the attention, or instead wanted to be left alone.

When we'd arrived at school, Karkat and Nepeta simply got off quickly, switching off the engine, and heading inside. I took my time, catching my breath and collecting my things- before opening the door, and stepping outside.

I caught the glint of snow-chains around the tires, realizing that's why the ride had been easy, and shrugged it off- making a mental note to ask Karkat to lend a hand with the heater in my bedroom, seeing as he had some sort of idea with devices.

The walk inside had been simple, giving a slight nod to any friend who'd said good morning- the good thing about Forks? The kids were polite, actually nice. I gave a split-second glance at the Volvo, trying to not hide my disappointment when Eridan was nowhere to be found. It was weird, depressing even, how much control this kid had over my emotions. All they'd done is given me a few glances, disrespected me, and shared small-talk in between class, and I was already upset when they didn't show up to school. It was dramatic, obnoxious, and belonged in one of Karkat's soap operas.

I managed to catch up with Feferi, or rather, she caught up with me. Immediately after walking to me, she broke into chatter, going on about the trip to the beach, and for once, I decided to join in, and not tune her out.

"So, are you actually going to go? You seemed to not really care when we brought it up." She was already prodding, and all I could do was sigh in response.

"I don't know. I don't like beaches, or big crowds." My tone was a bit snappier than usual, irritated, and I frowned at it. She listened, and then pursed her lips in a way that made her cheeks jut out, but nothing like Eridan's pout. Her's was childish, as if she hadn't gotten her way, whilst Eridan's was... tired, sullen. The definition of ennui, beautiful, and alluring at all once.

She simply nodded, seemingly upset, but I couldn't find myself bothered- not when I looked up, and noticed a mess of bronze waves in front of the lockers, organizing their own books, and then closing it, before walking off.

I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders, as ridiculous as it was, and was on edge of walking with a pep in my step. It was ridiculous, and I'd repeat that over and over. This was ridiculous, and the God- Goddess? that was Eridan Maryam would never feel the same towards me, not when their back straightened with each step I took, and not when they eyed the curve of my neck with disdain and hatred with every breath I took.

It was if though every inch of their being wanted me gone, wanted me to turn away, and never come back. Yet, I found myself more drawn to them each and every day, the flutter of their thick lashes, the curve of their lips when they said something remarkably witty.

I simply shook my head at it, at any sort of thought process that involved them once the bell rang, instead heading downstairs, to class. I'd been more focused on the pockets of my jacket, reaching inside and picking at the lint, absentmindedly noticing Eridan hanging by the third lower set of stairs, two flights below me.   
It seemed as though someone had the same idea, rushing to class late; that is, and I had my head too far up my ass to realize, instead walking straight into the shorter girl, whose view was obstructed by the board she'd been holding, shoving her down onto the floor in the process, and tripping down the rest of the flights in the tight corridor on my own. Or, I would have. Right as my face went to make contact with the concrete floor, I was grabbed by cool, thin hands, and flipped right onto my side, sitting me down onto the stair-case with little to no difficulty.

It was unsettling, confusing, how I instantly recognized the contact before they spoke, before they asked if I was alright. Their voice broke through the small groan of the girl above me, crouching down in front of me, looking at me with intense, golden eyes.

"Sollux, are you alright?"

I had no time to speak before the girl had caught up to us, and I instantly recognized her by the straight black hair that fell to her collarbones, the ends slightly curved up. If it wasn't easy enough already, she wore red-tinted glasses, pointed at the sides.

"Sollux! I am so sorry, I didn't see where I was going-" Terezi's voice was frantic, confused, and I couldn't find it in me to respond, instead confused by what exactly had just happened.

"Eridan? Oh, fuck, I probably walked into both of you, I was walking way too fast-" She reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose, groaning audibly, and tipping her head back. Eridan's back stiffened, eyes narrowed into slits, but they gave a light smile, voice cheery.

"It's alright, it happens. I w-was actually just takin' Sol' to class, you should..." They paused for a second, closing their eyes, and taking a breath, before looking back at Terezi.

"Go to the nurse. Your nose looks... horrid." Their tone had a hint of strain in it, though it could easily be confused with irritation, and Terezi gave a nod to them, before turning back to me.

"Yeah, I'm going to go there now," Her voice was muffled with the hand she had over her nose, lisping in a manner parallel to me. "I'll make it up to you, I am so sorry, holy shit." She quickly walked off, leaving her things behind, and mumbling small curses in the process. Eridan took another sharp breath, relaxing their tensed shoulders, before looking back at me, and raising a groomed brow.

"Are you alright? You took... quite a fall." They sounded as though they were trying not to laugh, and I would have played along with it, but right now, I was much more focused on something else.

"How did you get up here? You were at the end of the stair-case, far away from me-" They cut me off just as fast as I spoke, eyes now serious, jaw subtly clenched. "I w-was standin' to you the entire time, Sollux."

But I wasn't stupid, nor did I believe a word they said. I looked up at them, giving an unamused look, and crossing my arms, leaning back, and away from them.

"No the fuck you were not, you were all the way down there. How are you going to tell me what I tha-" I was met with golden, confused eyes, and an amused smile.

"You hit your head, Sol. Let's get you to class, come on." They reached towards me, giving me a mocking look, as if I was stupid. As if this was all a joke, and I hadn't realized. It was... irritating, pitiful. I found myself pushing them off, and getting up on my own, grabbing my bag, and slinging it over my shoulder.

Eridan simply stayed sitting down, furrowing their brows at me, but not angry. Never angry, simply... confused.  
I went to speak, angry, but they looked at me with pleading eyes, and I found myself... simply wordless, exasperated.

"I saw you."

"I w-was next to you, an' I caught you w-when you fell."

"But-" My voice raised in pitch, simply from frustration, and I found myself flushing at that, however obnoxious it may be.

"Please, Sollux." Eridan stood up to meet me as they spoke, hands instinctively reaching towards mine, likely to hold them, but hesitating halfway through, and instead resigning to the sides of their thighs. Their eyes never broke contact, pleading, confused, sad. As if they were trying to portray something I didn't know, let me in on a little secret.

"I'll explain it later, I promise." Their eyes seemed genuine, or maybe I was nodding from how... inhumanely perfect they looked this close, the perfect size to hold, with not a single stray hair, pore, or imperfection. It was too good to be true, and I found myself believing every word they said without complaint.

"Okay."

Class went by easily, after Eridan had dropped me off at the door, but not before slipping me Tylenol from their locker. Even though I didn't need it, I quickly took it, and smiled at it. They did care, at least somewhat more than they'd usually let on, and that was a start.

Nobody asked about the stair-case incident, or- well, nobody cared, and I thought I'd get away with forgetting it ever happened, until Terezi came by our table during lunch, a gauze pad bandaged over her nose, and Karkat in tow. He seemed less than thrilled at sitting with his sister, but didn't complain, idly following Terezi, who'd taken the seat right beside me, much to Feferi's dismay.

"Sollux, I am so sorry, are you okay? You're probably fine now, but I should have looked-, I'm sorry," Her voice was desperate for some reason, which I found confusing, along with everyone else at the table.

I kept my eyes focused on the mess of bronze hair ahead of me, as Karkat began to question.

"What even fucking happened?" I wasn't allowed a chance to speak, though realistically, I wouldn't have, far too focused on the being sitting in front of us all. They picked at an apple delicately, digging their nails into it, while looking down, resigned. In the distance, I heard Terezi speak. "I bumped into Sollux, and threw him down the stairs-"

"Holy shit, are you okay?"

I blinked at them, confused, before giving a shrug, and bringing my box of milk to my lips, taking a sip from the tiny straw. I swallowed, thought for a few moments, and then, once again, shrugged.

"Yeah, Eridan caught me before I fell down."

"Fucking Maryam?" 

Karkat's voice was that of... shock, or astoundment, and he gave the redhead a bewildered glance. I noticed as they subtly turned too, as if their name was called. The hook of their nose became more prominent for a second, and then it wasn't, and they were picking at the apple quicker, trying to peel off it's outer skin.  
"Yeah- I didn't even see them, should I apologize to them too? Fuck, I feel-" Now was my turn to simply shut Terezi up, finishing my carton of milk, and deadpanning towards her. "It's fine, it wasn't that seriouth." I winced at my lisp, but it seemed to relax her, and she gave a small, crooked smile.

"I'll... make it up to you, okay?" I gave a small nod, ignoring Karkat's confused glances between us, before focusing on finishing my lunch.

Once it was over, and I stepped inside the Biology classroom, I took my seat next to Eridan, who instantly seemed irritated by my presence.  
The instructions of Mr. Ampora were quickly forgotten, it was a simple worksheet on the membrane of cells, and we both answered it rather quickly. I finished, and leaned back against my chair, crossing my arms, and looking at Eridan.

"So, did I somehow manage to pith-piss you off again?" I spoke sarcastically, drawling my words mockingly, and slitting my eyes at them. 

To my surprise, they took a small breath, and sighed. They almost slumped down, but instead sat straight to face me, and rested their hands on their thighs.

"Yes, as alw-ways."

Their sarcasm was welcomed, and I found myself giving a little grin, until I forced a serious, stern look, and Eridan gave me a... pitiful, worried look, similar to the one from earlier.

"Are you planning to tell me what the hell happened this morning?" My own tone surprised me, genuinely serious, slightly intimidating. Eridan stayed still, trying to find the proper words to say. 

After a few moments, their jaw clenched, and they sighed.

"You fell, an' I caught you."

"You were nowhere near me."

"You w-weren't lookin' w-where you stepped, a' course you didn't notice me."

"You can't just fucking creep up on people, catch them, and then act all confused when they try and ask what the fuck even happened!"  
"I'm not actin' surprised, you're actin' erratic, Sollux."

Their voice was cold, warning and distant, while mine was confused, angry, irritated. I resisted the urge to punch their perfect face, though I practically felt the sparks of electricity forming between my cowlicks, the excess of kinetic energy begging me to make a move, to act on impulse. I resisted, and instead rolled my eyes at them.

"You're being a fucking bitch about all of this, you obviously were not next to me."

They stayed quiet, and turned to face the front of the class, small hands now curled into a fist on their thighs, eyes slitted, but face still beautiful. It was infuriating.

Once the bell rang, Eridan sprung out of their seat as elegantly as ever, quickly gathering their things, and walking off, before the bell rung it's last note. I found myself following as well, imitating their quick motions, until I had caught up to them right beside the hallway next to the Gym class-room, and they simply huffed, and turned around to face me, face agitated, annoyed.

"W-What do you w-want from me?" Their voice was tired, exhausted. I, however, was not going to let up.

"I want to know why you're lying to me."

Eridan pursed their lips, taking a breath, before simply frowning, and crossing their arms up at me. Their height was ridiculous at times like this, when they were confused, vulnerable. I noticed I had the advantage at the moment, or... well, I did, until Eridan glared up at me, eyes slitted, and full of anger.

They weren't wearing their eyeliner today.

"W-What did you think happened?" They snapped, and I found myself cornered, and anxious.

"You weren't near me, and suddenly I fall, and you're right there, carrying my heavy ass up. Even Terezi didn't see you, how the hell would you get up so fas-" A light laugh cut me off, and Eridan simply shook their head in disbelief.

"You think I teleported ov-ver to you?"

I shook my head, no- I wasn't that stupid, but... "No. You had to have ran, really fucking fast, or even fucking flown, I don't know, but you weren't next to me."

Eridan's jaw set, and the silence accompanied us for a few moments, before they finally spoke, voice serious, accent thick.

"Nobody is goin' to believ-ve you."

"I wasn't going to tell anyone." The words escaped from my mouth faster than I could think, and Eridan took one glance at me, before starting to walk off.

"Then, it doesn't matter."

They began walking off, and I felt the spikes of electricity- kinetic energy run through my system, and found myself walking right up to Eridan, standing in front of them, leaning as if to tower over them, menacingly.

"It matters to me. You've been fucking weird since I first got over here-"

"Can't you just thank me an' get ov-ver it?"

"Fucking thank you."

Eridan stared up at me, examining me, before sighing.

"You aren't goin' to let this go, are you." It wasn't a question, but a factual statement. I nodded my head in response, surprised when they simply shrugged. "W-Well, then I hope you enjoy disappointment."

With that, they walked off, leaving me there to think over our conversation for a few more moments, before walking into Gym, and trying to distract myself from it.

When I finally got home, Karkat had told his parents about my... accident, either to make fun of me, or get back at me for taking Terezi's attention, I don't know. After about an hour of assuring them I was fine, I broke nothing, no, I wasn't being bullied; I finally laid on my bed, focusing on the ceiling, trying to point out the flaws in the wooden paneling around the room.

My mind always raced back to Eridan, and I found myself constantly questioning- Why did they bother? Why were they so strange towards me?  
It kept me confused to no end, and I found myself calling my parents to take my mind off of it, but even between my brother's questions, and my mother's laugh, my mind always went back to their frustration at being questioned, the desperation in their eyes when they asked me to please, just leave it be.

It was intoxicating, addicting, and as disgusting as it was to say, I found myself wanting more reactions out of them.

As my parents said goodnight and I hung up, and as the loud chatter of my family downstairs flooded the room, I found myself drifting to sleep, sprawled on my bed, hands clutching at the quilt beside me.

That was the first night I dreamed of Eridan Maryam.


	4. Invitations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far, my favorite.
> 
> P.S. I'll figure out an update schedule eventually.

In my dream, the grass was an obnoxious shade of green, seemingly glowing; while the dim of the fog and moonlight enveloped everything around me. But yet, even with the unfamiliar environment, even with my pure hatred of green, the dark, the cold, I couldn't find myself focused on it. There was no reason to focus on the scenery, when there were other things to attend to.  
Much, much more important things.  
Eridan lay under me, slitted eyes a lighter shade of honey, now wide - not confused, but wanting. Pressing their body to mine was the single most disgusting thing I'd thought about up to this point, contaminating them with all of my disgusting, all of my merely standard radiance. It just wasn't right, tainting such a beautiful being. I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve a chance to run my calloused thumb - the result of years of coding, along their ribs, counting each and every one. I didn't deserve the chance to cup their jaw with my hand, thumb gently at their cheek, and bring their lips to mine. I didn't deserve the chance to lead them into the kiss, teach them what to do, as I brought my hand to their lower back, and pressed them up against me.

I didn't deserve the chance to relish in the small, but solid, cold weight against my much warmer chest, soft and pliable, giving in to my every whim.

I didn't deserve it, but I had it, and it was glorious.

Every sound they made, every subtle shaking motion, every single second of it. Tracing the curve of their neck with my lips, lowering my hands to the hem of their jeans - gently teasing the belt, but never reaching to remove it.  
I never reached to remove it, as much as I'd love to. Surprisingly enough, dream me was much, much more modest, even with a purring model seated on my lap, begging for more. It was... boring.

So, very fucking boring.

I woke up in the middle of the night, front of my boxers tight and slightly wet, groaning as I sat up. It was cold, and gross.  
Midnight showers became a routine, and I grew to realize just how touch-starved I'd been... which, admittedly, was incredibly pathetic.

Eridan was always in my dreams after that, eyes always wide, light, and lips soft. Arms clinging, hands digging in, but legs never spread, position always cautious, as if at any moment, someone would walk in. We'd get caught. It was annoying, really, but never as bad as school. Certainly, positively, never as bad.

The month after the... "accident", if you could even call it that, were insufferable. I found myself constantly surrounded, constantly mocked, constantly teased, always tense, and always irritable. My medicine became my best friend, as well as taking the back routes to the class-rooms. Anything to avoid Terezi Pyrope's constant apologies. I constantly tried getting her to forget about it - after all, it was a silly accident, and nothing had happened to either of it. She still seemed set on making it up to me though, either to prove her ability in her vision, or build a friendship. I didn't know, nor did I care.

She followed me between classes, and sat at our now-crowded lunch table, much to Feferi, and Tavros's dismay. I found myself worried if I had gotten myself another fan by simply falling down the fucking stairs, but that couldn't be it, right? After all, she had a thing with Karkat, and he'd stopped eyeing us suspiciously after the third or fourth conversation, instead simply taking his new place at our table, and letting her babble on.

No one seemed concerned about Eridan, which in turn, concerned me. Had I really imagined everything? No, even Terezi agreed they'd never been there at the beginning, but nobody really even knew if they were a fast runner. They'd had a breathing condition - asthma, that excused them from all Gym classes, which simply meant after Biology, they'd head home. Lucky fuck.  
I'd tried multiple times to explain they were there, they had caught me, but the others simply raised a brow, and then shrugged it off. Eridan was never the type to help, and if they had, it was likely because they were close, and felt it was an obligation.  
I came to the conclusion that nobody really cared, because nobody had thought about Eridan as obsessively as I did, nobody was on that level of being a creep, and it was embarrassing. It was disgusting to realize, and I mentally smacked myself on the head for it, because really - what was wrong with me?

Nobody asked Eridan if they were okay, if I was heavy, if I cried. Nobody cared, and Eridan and the Maryams' simply blended back into the background, avoided and beautiful as always. At class, they'd sit as far away from me as the table allowed, now seeming relaxed - only occasionally balling their fists, only occasionally taking deep sighs, and slumping downwards for seconds at a time.  
I realized how they'd felt, and felt... saddened by it all. It was the feeling of shame, regret. They regretted catching me, and realized they'd prefer it if I'd hit my head on the concrete, and scrambled my brains in the process. There was no other explanation, no other reason for their continued disdain.  
Yet, I still wanted to talk to them. I'd been so angry the last time, resentful, wondering why they'd even care, and they'd been stressed, wondering why I couldn't just get over it. It was pure dramatics, as stupid and pitiful as it seemed, and as time went on, I found myself getting over the sudden shock, and feeling... slightly thankful.

Only slightly.

I'd been angry that they weren't telling the truth, pissed even, but hadn't I been succumbing to their end of the bargain as well? I had no reason to complain, not when I simply went with any word they said, and ignored any chance to make what they'd done known.

Eridan was in their usual seat when I'd walked into Biology, and I found myself in a better mood that day, able to fend off most of my annoying friends, able to stay to my own devices. They showed no sign of realizing I was there (typical) but I didn't let it bother me, instead deciding to start the conversation.

"Hey, ED."

I even used my shitty nickname for them, mostly as an olive branch. To show them I was going to behave, not bring it up.  
Eridan simply turned their nose upwards, instead focusing on the board, and whatever the teacher was going on about.

No contact, no nod, no simple ounce of knowledge that they'd acknowledged my existence, and though I'd typically take that as the sign to fuck off, leave it be, I was miserable. They were there every day, merely inches away from me, but never once looking, never once breathing in my direction.  
I caught myself staring more than once, that I'd admit. Whether in the parking lot, or the cafeteria, I'd stare... usually in awe, but I'd swear it was disdain. I kept track of how their eyes would grow darker as the weak progressed, how their eye-bags would become more evident, and how by Monday, they were fresh-faced, with light honey eyes once again.  
Did they over-sleep every weekend, or did they have various colored contacts? No. It had to be the eyeliner they occasionally wore darkening their eyes, right? That had to be how makeup worked - I'd ask Nepeta eventually, as weird of a question it was.

Though, no matter how cold they were, how... much they ignored me, the dreams still continued. My aunt and uncle considered transferring me to a therapist here, wondering why I'd been so resigned, so incredibly lonesome lately. It was a shame, that it was entirely over a redhead with honey eyes, but I'd always remind them that they only knew me when I was with my parents, and I was a teenager. Hormones were... normal! Definitely normal.  
Not to this extent, but a beauty like Eridan wasn't normal either.

Feferi, at the very least, was elated at the distance between me and my lab partner, going as far as to lean on my desk before class, talking on and on, about something I could care less about. It was obvious she had been worried from the moment we started talking, probably wondering if Eridan had snatched me up, right from the stair-case, and into their cold, tiny arms.  
It was the exact opposite, and Eridan simply acted as if neither of us existed, staring at the distance for all of class, unless we'd have something to work on together. Even then, no words were shared. In fact, it was more of a mental agreement; they'd do half, and I'd do the other half. I wasn't dense, after all.

The rain washed away the snow as the weeks passed, and weeks turned into months. I was happy at the fact that there was no real need for hoodies, or snow chains anymore. That, and short gingers standing at the edge of a stair-case, waiting to catch you. That'd be ridiculous, after all.  
Feferi was pleased that her beach trip would come soon, though a little upset that her snow ball fights never came to light. I mentally sent a prayer to any God above as she lamented.  
The rain still continued though, heavy and harsh, and my mind continued to set on Eridan. It wasn't until Nepeta finally reminded me of a looming event that I snapped out of it, if even for a second. My match-maker of a cousin had been looking forward to the Spring Formal - Girl's Choice, but not how close Feferi and I seemed to be getting.

"Are you... sure you didn't want to take her?" She spoke as she set the books into her own locker, face set in an understanding smile, hoping for the worst.

"No, I'm not going. I'm visiting my parents, remember?" That'd been the only excuse worthy of excusing me from a dance, apparently. My aunt and uncle couldn't understand why I didn't go, and refused to believe that I couldn't dance. In their eyes, if Karkat was going, I was going too.

"But... Sollux, it'll be fun!" No, it wouldn't, and even she believed that. We all remembered that time I went to her eleventh birthday party, and spilt maroon punch all over the yellow table-cloth. I had no eye-to-feet coordination, and I was not going to risk it.

"Yeah, it will." I took the chance to set my final book in my locker, and closed it, before making eye contact with her. "For you, and FF."

The next day was as uneventful as ever, no attention from Eridan, simply hostility. Nepeta was quiet in Biology, and on the car ride home, not really saying much, which was new for her. I didn't pry, silently realizing Feferi may have let her down.

Feferi was just as quiet when she walked me to class the day after, seemingly uncomfortable, and I learned why exactly Nepeta was known as the match-maker, and I wasn't. I had made things worse, and was ready to mentally attack myself for it, before Feferi finally broke the silence, voice uneasy.

"So," She didn't make eye contact, looking anywhere from me. "Nepeta... asked me to the dance."

"That's good." My voice sounded bored, and I noticed a glimmer of hope flash through her eyes. Fuck. "You'll have fun with Nepeta, she can dance."

"Actually, I told her I had to think about it." 

"Why would you do that?"

"Well," Feferi took a noticeable breath, and I instantly felt anxious. This was... ridiculous, really. If she wasn't lesbian, all she had to do was tell Ne- "I was wondering... if you were going to ask me."

"What?" My voice sounded more... surprised than disappointed, and I motioned to look anywhere from Feferi, and her big, hopeful eyes. It was... irritating, and I felt like a piece of candy being dangled around in front of hungry toddlers. From the corner of my eye, I saw Eridan take a small glance towards us, before looking away just as fast, eyes focused on the window at the end of the hall.

"FF, I think you should tell her yes."

"Did you already ask someone else?" Did... she notice Eridan looking? No, her head wasn't turned towards them, instead looking right back up at me.

"No, I'm not going at all. Want to visit family instead." I shoved my hands into my pockets, leaning back casually, trying not to stare back at Eridan, whose quick glances were most definitely not going unnoticed.

"Can't that wait?"

"No." I spoke fast, and considered leaving then, but felt bad, and took on a softer tone. "So, you should say yes to Nepeta. Have fun, she likes you."

Feferi gave her little pout, before shrugging at it, and giving a smile - albeit weak, instead.

"Yeah, you're right." She didn't seem dejected, or really upset, just slightly bummed. The bell rang right as she left, and we all walked into class, me into my typical seat beside Eridan, and Feferi next to Nepeta.

I'd expected them to keep their distance as they'd been doing for a while now, but as Mr. Ampora started speaking, I was surprised to find them staring right at me, now darkened eyes fueled with intensity, probing into my very being.  
I instantly found myself nervous, my hands sweating, and dug my face into the work-book, trying to ignore their constant staring. It was... strange, as if they'd visibly experienced all of my dreams, as if they'd known what I was thinking, and they were judging me. They were visibly crucifying me, for having dreams where I'd grab at their ass.

Their constant gaze made class impossible to focus on, irritable, until the silence broke, and their light, musical voice answer a question I hadn't heard.

"The Krebs Cycle," I turned up just in time to see them face away, seemingly reluctantly, and felt myself grow more, and more nervous. I... enjoyed their gaze on me, their attention on me. It was ridiculous, and pathetic, but I wanted more, and I wanted them to continue staring at me, make up for the weeks they'd left me hungry for attention, and so, so incredibly bored.

The rest of the hour was spent with my face in a book, highlighting words I thought looked funny, scribbling random lines of code along the back of my book, anything to ignore Eridan.  
Class ended soon after, and I stood up to gather my things, expecting them to leave just as fast as they always did, continue ignoring me.

"Sollux?" Fuck. I mentally chastised myself for melting at their voice, for falling for their stupid little game. They'd stretch their palm out, and I'd crawl right onto it, with no complaint. It was embarrassing, impossibly pathetic - yet, I couldn't hate it.  
I turned slowly, trying to keep my cool. I didn't know what I'd do when I saw their gorgeous face, when I saw the expression they were making.

But, surprisingly, I had no reaction. They were unreadable, entirely, and so was I.

"Tho, the princess finally decide to talk to me again?" My tone was agitated, bitter. Eridan gave a small smile at it, not caring to let it fall from their lips.

"No, not really."

How. Sweet. I inhaled and exhaled through my nose, making it clear how very annoyed I was, but Eridan simply stared, and kept their cool.

How... boring.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm bein' incredibly rude, an' I understand that... but, you need to understand w-what I'm tryin' to tell you." They sounded sincere, eyes pleading, and it was ridiculous, the effect they had on me with just a look.

"And, what the fuck is that?"

"It's better if w-we're not friends, trust me." I rolled my eyes, having heard that before. It was usually before rumors spread of me being too... angry, too pushy. Too annoying, and too... crazy. I took a breath, mostly to calm myself, before simply giving an incredibly forced, incredibly pretentious smile.

"Yeah? You should've figured that out a while ago, dumbass." My voice was sharp, lisp thick, but I couldn't find it in me to care. 

"You've been getting involved in everything around me like a fucking weirdo, like a creep, like I even want your company. Like I need you to help me when I fall, and pity me when my friends are annoying."

"Pity?" Eridan's tone was confused, looking up at me with wide eyes that paralleled the ones I'd dreamt about - don't bring that up, don't bring it the fuck up, - but then they shook their head in disbelief.

"You... think this is all pity? You think you're the tenth, no, tw-wentieth little classmate I've felt bad for, that I do this all the time?"

I went to respond, just as angry, just as upset that they'd lie to me, not admit that - yes, they were bored, beautiful, and this was a game to them.

"You don't know-w shit, Sollux."

They'd left just as fast as they'd finish speaking, and I had no choice but to head over to my next class, and continue going over our latest conversation, like the absolute creep that I was. After all, Eridan didn't want to be friends, for... one reason or another, and it was ridiculous, disgusting, dwelling on it like that'd change. I didn't want their pity, after all.

Gym was... brutal. We'd moved on to basketball, and while the rest of my team had learned to not pass the ball to me, I still tripped over thin air, over really... anything and everything. At times, I took people down with me, quietly trying to apologize, get up, and pretend it ever happened.  
Today, my thoughts were filled with Eridan, their words, their tone, our conversation - it was stupid, being this bothered over it.  
By the time Gym ended, I was thankful, and headed outside, to the safe haven that was Karkat's truck. I noticed a figure leaning on it, dark and distant, and did a double-take, before realizing it was in fact Tavros, and not... a short ginger, who wore too much lip-gloss. Not, that I'd noticed. That'd be weird.

Tavros noticed me before I did, already walking over to me, and I had no choice but to respond, as Karkat hadn't come to open the truck.

"Hey, Tavros."

"Hi, Sollux!" He called back, seemingly a little more confident, a little... happier than usual. Oh no.

"What's up?" I questioned casually, leaning against the door of the truck, trying my absolute best to not up-right, and flat-out say no, because this was really, really ridiculous at this point. 

"Oh! Uh, I was just... wondering, if you would go to the Spring Dance with... me?" He seemed genuinely nervous, and I felt bad, trying my best to remember that it wasn't his fault my patience had been spent on Feferi, and pairing her with Nepeta. He didn't know.

"Isn't it supposed to be girl's choice?" I hid a chuckle in my voice, trying my absolute best to play it off as a joke. 

"I mean... I could... buy a skirt?" He responded, playing along with it a bit, though I had the feeling if it came down to it, he probably would. I gave a small shrug, before standing up straight, and stretching.

"As much as I'd appreciate it, sorry dude. I'm going to be out of town." I noticed Karkat and Nepeta heading to me in the distance, and felt a bit impatient.

"Oh." He took a moment to pause, and then gave a smile. "Well, there's... uh, always next time!"

"Yep." I spoke casually as I moved to walk forward, wondering why in the hell my cousins were taking so, so very long to get here. Tavros took the hint and walked off, and I quietly hoped he wouldn't take that literally.

As they finally arrived and opened the car, I heard a small chuckle, and looked up to see Eridan passing by me, lips pressed into a straight line, face focused on whatever was ahead of them. Was I... really imagining them laugh now? Fucking hell.  
I opened the door quickly, and sat in the car, considering genuinely asking Karkat to floor it and hit them - nothing would happen to the truck, but they'd already gotten in their own car, and sped off in front of us, to the very beginning of the parking lot, waiting for their own siblings to get in - except, they were at the very entrance of the cafeteria. Karkat mumbled a silent curse as he was forced to stay still right behind their car, waiting for them as they very obviously, took their sweet time. From the back of us, a traffic jam was beginning to form, and I could see Terezi's used, faded teal Sentra behind us. I cranked the seat a bit to lean back, simply... resting my eyes, and it was a great rest, until it was interrupted by a knocking at the window, and Karkat annoyingly cranking it down.  
I didn't bother opening them, until I heard the voice.

"'Rezi, it's pretty obvious we're all stuck behind Maryam, did you really have to-" She shushed Karkat, and then gave me a wide smile, before opening her mouth to speak. I tossed my head back once again, and groaned.

This.

Could not.

Be Happening.

"Oh, I noticed - but, I wanted to ask Sollux something, since we were already here!" If my eyes were opened, I'd notice Karkat's very confused glances between the two of us; however, they were not, because I did not want to be in this situation at the moment.

"And... what is that? Do you two have a project, or something? I didn't even know you two shared cla-"

"No, I just wanted to ask Sollux if he wanted to go to the dance with me!"

It was finally Karkat's turn to be surprised, and I relished in the loud "What?!" he gave - no, squeaked. I finally opened my eyes, sitting up to face Terezi, trying to remind myself that... it wasn't her fault. Really, she was trying to make it up to me.

"I'm not going to be in town, Terezi." My voice sounded a little more than irritated, but this was a bit far, even if she'd accidentally knocked me off the stairs, once.

"Yeah, Feferi said that." She admitted awkwardly, just casually ignoring Karkat, who looked as if he'd just burst an aneurysm.

"So, why did you as-"

"I... was hoping you'd let her down easy." She shrugged, and okay, she deserved my irritated tone. All of it. I went to respond, but she'd already left, and I was left to deal with the mess that was Karkat.

In the back, Nepeta simply stifled a laugh, and reached to pat her brother's shoulder.

"There's... ah, always prom!" He gave a fuck you in response, angrily snapping on his seat-belt, and I found myself looking forward. Porrim, Kanaya, Rufioh, and Gamzee were all finally getting into the car, and from the rearview mirror, I noticed Eridan's face. Their shoulders shook uncontrollably, as if they were laughing, as if they'd heard the entire situation. And - maybe I would have asked, if they hadn't sped off right after, and Karkat'd left in the opposite direction, yelling to the Gods above and below the entire ride home.

When we finally got home, and Karkat went to take a very, very cold shower, I found myself heading to the kitchen, figuring I'd take some Tylenol, help with the headache. Daily Vantas rants were not good for the soul, or the brain-cells. I ran into my aunt in the process, who'd been heading downstairs to start up on dinner, which seemed to work out perfectly. She started simmering the onions and chilies while I started shredding the meat. The phone rang a few minutes in, and after answering it, she'd handing it to me. It'd been Feferi, and she was ecstatic.  
She'd talked to Nepeta, and accepted her invitation. I gave my (admittedly, bored) celebrations while I chopped, feeling like a bonafide 60's house-wife, while she went on and on, wondering on what their theme would be; what colors she would wear. After a few moments, plus a small discussion over the home-work, she went to hang up. She wanted to call her other friends, and share the news.  
I shared my small suggestion, saying that Tavros should go with Nepeta's friend... Equius, was it? And Terezi should go with either Dave, or Karkat, or both. They were always both available, somehow managing to keep the rivalry over her alive for most of their high-school years, according to Feferi, at least. She mentioned that my suggestions were a great idea, and actually sounded sincere when she said she wished I could go. It seemed like Nepeta asking her out cheered her up a bit, and I was happy for them. I wasn't sure I'd be able to deal with such a bubbly girl for three hours, or more.

After she hung up, I tried concentrating on whatever my aunt asked - chop the vegetables, grease the pans, put together the enchiladas, but my mind always went back to Eridan, trying to figure out what exactly they'd meant. There was only one reasonable explanation, and it was depressing.  
They weren't as absorbed in me as I was about them, and they'd realized how strange I'd been acting. They didn't want to lead me on, as they weren't interesting. And, really, why would they be?  
I was too tall, too awkward, too lispy, too... erratic. I wasn't perfect, my skin wasn't clear, and I didn't walk with elegance that belonged in a Royal Court. No, I tripped over my legs, cursed every chance I had, gnawed at my piercings as if they were a candy, and I was nothing like them. They would never be interested, and somehow, realizing that hurt more than our previous argument.

However, another part of me argued. That was fine, and I didn't need their attention. I needed none of it, and while they'd simply be hot and get old and ugly, I'd stay average and boring, but get a scholarship somewhere great, and build the laptop their kid would use. I'd be on the magazines, talking about how nobody had ever given me a chance, and they'd read it, wishing they had. It'd be lovely, and I'd be on top, just once.  
At least, I hoped that'd be the case.

We finished dinner just as my uncle got home, and he gave a small compliment, pretty quiet with how he felt. Well, with words, at least. That didn't stop him from pulling my aunt into a kiss, right there, as I casually slipped behind them, and served my own plate.  
I waited for them to sit, and then took my own seat, quietly leading the prayer, and ignoring Karkat's short, but angry glances. I was half-way done with my plate before I spoke, picking at the food on my plate, actually... rather anxious.

"Tio?"

"Yes, Sollux?"

"I wanted to let you know that I'm going to The- Seattle, for the day a week from Saturday," I'd never been used to asking for permission at home, but I caught the glance from my aunt, and quickly added it on. "If, that's okay with you."

"Why?" His voice was confused, as if there was no reason for me to leave Forks, what other place could offer hours of forest, and half of your day consisting of rain?  
"I kind of wanted to visit my friends, and probably buy some parts for my computer - I want to upgrade it." I'd had some money saved up from what my parents had sent me, and the weekly allowance my uncle had included me in. I needed a new motherboard and software drive, which'd be expensive, but I wanted to run my newest program sometime in the year, so I had no choice in that department. Besides, some advice from Aradia would be helpful, though we'd probably just kiss on her bed for an hour beforehand. Either would be helpful.

"How are you going to get there?"

"They'll pick me up, or I'll catch the bus. I've done it before."

He paused for a moment, trying to build up some sort of argument, before my aunt finally cut him off, and looked at me.  
"Are you going to do anything else?" She asked, emphasizing her words, and giving me a certain glance. I had no idea what it meant, and panicked.

"Uh, probably go see my parents too?" She smiled at that, and my uncle visibly relaxed. Bingo.

"Will you be back in time for the dance?" Karkat's voice chimed in from the sidelines, and my uncle raised a brow, before turning back to me.

"You're skipping the dance?" He seemed shocked at that, as if it was ridiculous that I'd skip a spring dance, but I deflected it off quickly.

"We always have prom. Besides, Mituna just got home." 

He gave a smile, and nodded.

"Alright, well... say hi to your dad for me."

The next morning, as we pulled into the parking lot and Nepeta and Karkat walked off, I stayed behind, more focused on writing some notes down, than actually keeping my backpack attached to my body. It slipped off of my arm, and down onto a puddle - or, well, it would have, it a single pale hand didn't catch it, and hold it out towards me.  
I jerked my head up, and rolled my eyes at the sight. Eridan Maryam had their body pressed against the truck, not caring a single bit about how dirty it seemed, instead more focused on holding my bag out to me.

"How the fuck do you do that?"

"Do w-what?" They seemed genuinely confused, which wasn't new for them. I irritably grabbed my bag from their hand, and sighed.  
"Appear out of thin air?"

"Sol', it is not my fault if you are exceptionally unobserv-vant." Their voice was light, traced with the hints of laughter, and mocking.  
I didn't bother looking at their face, knowing I'd melt instantly, like a total fucking loser. But... that's what I was, no? This beautiful, beautiful... person was being polite, and I was thirsting after them like a hound-dog. It was embarrassing.

So, I deflected the question.

"Why the traffic jam?" I kept myself busy by checking on my backpack, making sure none of it had been scuffed. "I thought you were thuppothed to be pretending I didn't exitht, not getting my couthin pithed off at me." And, there was the nervous lisp. I hadn't even looked at them, and I was lisping.

Eridan hummed, and then shrugged. "Ah, that w-was for Terezi's sake. She w-was dyin' for a chance at you. It w-wouldn't be fair if I kept you all to myself, w-would it now-w?" They looked up thoughtfully for a few moments, ignoring my confused, and then annoyed stare.

"Are... you fucking kidding me?"

I wanted to strangle them, kick them in the gut until their now golden eyes jutted out, but my expression seemed to be the single most amusing thing to them, and the suppressed a laugh as they smiled.

"An', I'm not pretendin' you don't exist."

"So, are you trying to annoy me to death? As if staring at me in class didn't do the job?"

Eridan's eyes simply rolled, even more amused, and I found myself much, much more pissed.

"Sollux, you are utterly absurd."

And that, that is where I drew the line. I was angry, and could practically feel the kinetic energy flowing through my veins, and just. Walked. Away.

"W-Wait!" 

I ignored their calls, stomping angrily through the puddles, shoving my notes into my pocket, until they finally caught up, easily walking ahead of me.

"Forgiv-ve me, that w-was rude." They paused for a second, examining their words for a second, before giving a smile. "W-Well, sayin' it w-was. You're still ridiculous. Anyw-"

"Are you going to keep being fucking annoying?"

"Are you goin' to keep interruptin' me? Sol', I'm disappointed. You need to learn your manners."

I wished, with all of my being, that I could be angry at that line. It'd be so much easier to punch Eridan, but that line was mentally stored into my hard-drive, and going to be brought up later tonight, I just knew it.

And, I fucking hated it.

"What do you want, princeth." I cringed at my lisp, but didn't care as long as Eridan didn't mention it.

"I w-wanted to ask, w-well, I w-was w-wonderin'... if a w-week from Saturday - you know-w, the day a' the dance-"

No, no. Certainly not. I felt my fists ball, and resisted the urge to grab them right then and there, and absolutely slaughter them. More than that, I was so frustrated, I wanted to cry.

"Is this your idea of a joke, Eridan?" I deadpanned, and relished in their suddenly awkward expression, but then they crossed their arms, pouted, and I sighed.

"W-Will you please allow-w me to finish, or do I need to teach you to be quiet?"

Another file saved into the hard-drive, check.

"Anyw-ways, as I w-was sayin', I heard you w-were goin' to Seattle that day, an' w-wanted to know-w if you needed a ride."  
Oh. Well.

"What type of ride are we discussing?"

Eridan's eyes widened at that, before their brows scrunched in, and they took on the cutest fucking expression of frustration. I almost, almost didn't want to beat their face in.

"A car ride. That truck is horrid, an' w-wouldn't make it, plus, buses are borin'."

"Well, with who?"

They looked at me as if I had grown a second head, before sighing. Probably wondering why they bother, I'd assume.

"Me. Besides-"

"Listen, I appreciate it, but the truck'll be fine, and-"

"Can the truck make it on a tank of gas?" 

They gave a smile, and it was my turn to sigh.

"How, how is that any of your business?"

"Sollux, Sol'," They drew my name out with their tongue, and I took a breath, glaring them down. "The w-wastin' a' finite sources is ev-veryone's business!"

"Oh, so you just give random people car rides to the city?"

"No, but-"

"Well, that's a shame. Haven't you heard? We can't be friends, Eridan."

Heavy sarcasm. Eridan glared, arms still crossed. I noticed we were under the roof of the cafeteria, which was a pleasant surprise. Nice, and dry.

"It w-would be more... prudent, for you to not be my friend." They spoke quietly, looking up at me, eyes genuinely sincere. It was... breathtaking. "But, I'm tired a' stayin' aw-way from you, Sollux."

I genuinely forgot to breathe, simply staring down at them, wanting so fucking badly to grab them, and pin them against the wall, and... hard-drive save, check.

"W-Will you go w-with me to Seattle?"

"You know what? Sure, I'll take a ride from a rich fuck any day, over that tractor."

That got a laugh out of them, and then they gave me a serious look, reaching for my hand once again, before simply hesitating, again, and pulling away.

"You should... really, stay aw-way from me."

I was confused, so confused, and the weirdest mix of weirded out, and slowly turned on.

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

They pulled away, giving a smile, flashing their dimples, and freckled cheeks.

"I'll see you in class."

They then turned around abruptly, walking back the way we'd come, and I decided pondering on it wasn't worth it, instead quickly shuffling over to the bathroom.


	5. Theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to settle with a few days between chapters, preferably 2-4. Or maybe I'll disregard that entirely and update later tonight.

My escapade to the bathroom had, admittedly, been one of my weaker choices. Pathetic, disgusting even. I hid the shame as I zipped my zipper back up, as I washed and dried my hands, as I headed over to class, keeping my head down the entire time.  
The halls had been surprisingly empty; which I found confusing but paid no mind to. No, I was more focused on not spotting Eridan, and certainly not making eye contact, whatsoever.

I entered the English classroom, flushing deeply as I noticed class had already started, and everyone had already been seated. Mr. Nitram examined me, seemingly exhausted with the prospect of dumbasses my age skipping, and then regretting it when they realized they needed the credit. I kept the stupid smile to myself this time, realizing the phrase "if only they knew," was not important to any of my teachers, and certainly not to Eridan.

"Thank you for joining us, Mr. Captor." His voice was tired, not caring enough to ask what I'd been up to, why I was so late. I was thankful; after all, in Seattle, this wouldn't pass as easily. I'd be poked, prodded, accused of doing drugs. My parents would be notified.  
I gave a nod, working on controlling my flush, the splotchy patches along my neck, and took my seat.

It wasn't until the end of class that I noticed Feferi wasn't beside me, though I tried to not feel guilty about it. She likely didn't realize I was present, after all.  
Her and Tavros still waited for me at the door, but it was him who I'd been worried about. He seemed discouraged, a bit duller, but not generally upset, or angry. It was a relief, and I listened idly as Feferi talked about the latest weather report. The rain was going to take a break, and while it'd still be in the forties, fifties - if we were lucky, the beach trip would be possible. I felt bad, so I went along with it, silently making a reminder to make up an excuse to cancel it. 

The entire morning was a blur, passing quickly in between small conversations, and typical lectures. I couldn't get my mind off of Eridan for the life of me, not with how they'd so casually talked to me, to the point of making genuine, actual plans with me. Their eyes looked strange, so... alluring, as they spoke, and though I'd typically confuse it for me being sleepy, not realize - I had the tardy slip from earlier to back it up.  
I cringed at that statement, and tried remembering to never bring any of that back up, ever again.

I was impatient as I walked into the cafeteria with Nepeta, I wanted to see if they'd go back to their typical mood. Quiet, resigned, just slightly terrifying. As much as it'd be a nuisance, it'd ease the confusion, remind me that this is a joke for them, a way to pass the time, no matter what.  
As we walked, Feferi talked to no end about her plans; her hair appointment, her dance classes, her dress fitting, while Nepeta added her own suggestions, and Tavros had asked Equius. They were all going together, talking happily of it all, completely disregarding my inattention.  
Where... were they? Disappointment pooled through me as I looked around their table. The other four were there... as fucking creepy as ever, but Eridan wasn't. I noticed myself make stupid assumptions - had they gone home? Were they okay? Were they suddenly going to drop out, and leave me hanging?

I'd lost my appetite, and while we walked through the line, and Feferi continuously talked, I got a small carton of milk, not really caring for anything else. I felt like a love-struck idiot, but all I wanted to do was sulk, sit against the wall, and maybe listen to music.

"Eridan Maryam is staring at you again," Feferi started, voice a little uneasy, but still bright, still cheery. "I wonder why they're sitting alone..?"

I, like a pure fucking sap, instantly turned my head, and made eye contact with them. What a terrible, terrible mistake. Eridan was sitting across from their usual table, giving me the single most innocent smile. Once they'd noticed I'd been looking, they waved their hand, effectively motioning me over to them.  
And who, who was I to refuse?

"Do they mean... you?" Feferi's voice rose with astonishment; I'd have to ask her about that later, while I tried keeping my cool, and shrugging.

"Ah, they probably need help with their Biology home-work." I stared blankly for a few seconds, until they finally crossed their arms, pouting and raising a brow at me. I cleared my throat, and smiled. "I... better go see what they want."

I walked away, not giving a single shit about Feferi staring me down.

As I got to Eridan's table, they flashed their signature smile and moved over, giving me some room.

"W-Why don't you sit w-with me today?"

I hesitated, and considered telling them to fuck off, but they were Eridan Maryam, and they'd already won. I took the seat, setting my tray down, but not before speaking.

"Well shit, princess. This morning wasn't enough for you?" I acted as though I was confident, and to Eridan, this seemed to be the funniest thing in the entire universe. They stifled a laugh, covering their mouth with their hand, before pulling away, and resting it on the table. They folded their hands, and gave me a sincere smile, light, and friendly.

"I'm already goin' to hell, Sollux," Their voice came out quietly, just enough for me to hear. "I might as w-well do it properly."

I blinked at that, and while it was... insanely attractive, I wasn't up to date on the rich-kid lingo. I'd never needed it before, and Eridan seemed patient, waiting for my reaction.

"I... don't know what that means, ED."

"I'm countin' on it."

"Wha-"

Eridan leaned back against their chair, giving a glance to my usual table, a small smile falling into their face.

"Your friends are angry at me, they think I'v-ve stolen you." 

They spoke quietly, a hint of a laugh at the edge of their words.

"They'll live."

I fought the urge to instinctively move closer, instead staying exactly where I was, hunching towards Eridan.  
Posture, was never my forte.

"But, I might not giv-ve you back." They murmurred thoughtfully, but not before giving me a small, teasing look. "You look w-worried. I don't bite, Sol'."

Ah, but would you, if I as- no. Certainly not, a slip-up was the last thing I needed. I took a breath, reaching for my carton of milk, taking a long, thoughtful sip.

"No, just wondering."

"A'?"

"Well, what brought all of this on. What made you say 'Hey, let's talk to that kid I've been weird to!' it's a bit strange, is all."

Eridan's jaw clenched for a few moments, before they finally sighed.

"I thought I told you? Sollux, I'm tired a' stayin' aw-way from you. So, I'-"

"Is this some weird joke? Eridan, you're acting like you're in some movie."

They scowled at that, and rolled their eyes, before continuing.

"Don't be rude. I'm giv-vin' up."

"Giving up?"

I raised my brow in confusion, and Eridan, once again, sighed.

"Yes. There's no point in stayin' aw-way from you, personally. So, I w-won't. It'll be the same result if you're smart, therefore, I can do w-what I w-want. That, inv-volv-ves bein' close to you, doin' w-whatev-ver I'd like," Their eyes fell down to their hands, and then mine. "W-Without focusin' too much on consequence. It's all, so pointless."

I tried decoding what they'd said, trying to make sense of it, but was left blinking, and with a headache forming.  
"Yeah, I lost you."

"Once again, I'm countin' on that. I say... too much around you, as is."

I took another moment to blink, before finally sighing.

"So, ED, in basic, stupid English. Are we friends, or not?"

"Friends... that is a big word, is it not?"

They mused ominously, tapping at their chin thoughtfully, and I'd had enough. I went to stand up, and Eridan simply reached towards me giving apologetic eyes. I sat back down, even if... really, I didn't want to.

"W-We can... try, but I'm not a good friend for you, Sollux."

"You say that way too much."

"W-Well, obv-viously. You're not believ-vin' me, an' if you w-were smart, you w-would."

Eridan's look was serious this time, eyes warning me. I suppressed a shudder, managing to stay cool.

"You really think I'm stupid, don't you?"

Eridan smiled apologetically, and I rolled my eyes.

"Well, then, fine. I'll stay a dumbass, and you'll stay as my friend."

"That's a fair trade."

I looked down, eyeing the carton of milk, before bringing it to my lips again, and taking a sip. I really wasn't hungry, whatsoever, much to my dismay.

"W-What're you thinkin' about?"

They seemed curious, and I felt stupid of it all. I set the carton aside on the tray, and brought my head to my hands, leaning forward on the table, and groaning. This was so ridiculous, all of it, and I had no idea what exactly they even wanted. I sat back up as Eridan eyed me curiously.

"Oh, nothing, just wondering what exactly you are."

Their golden eyes showed a small hint of fear - confusion, and I found myself enjoying it, enjoying that I could inflict that much onto them. Their expression never changed though, jaw stiffened, but face relaxed.

"How-w is that goin' for you?"

"Not well, honestly."

I found myself confiding in them, as embarrassing as the topic was, and Eridan kept their relaxed expression, but still looking at me intensely.

"W-What... are your theories?"

"Nope." Hell. No. I'd been considering Kryptonite, Peter Parker, hell, at times? Even Cyborgs. It was all ridiculous, incredibly stupid, and Eridan had no place knowing any of it. They were just a normal person, normal human, and I was the weird obsessed one. If anything, there was something wrong with me.  
Eridan sighed, a dejected sound, before looking at my empty tray, save for the carton of milk.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Are you?"

"No, Sollux. I'm not hungry."

They spoke in a 'duh!' tone of voice, as if I had missed something rather obvious. I found myself frustrated, angry, with no real reason to be.  
I sighed to myself, raising a hand to rub my temples, trying to calm my breathing. I could feel Eridan's confused glances towards me, eyes wide, brows raised.

"Sollux, are you alright?"

Bitch. Absolute, fucking bitch. I sat up and looked at them for a straight face, before chuckling sarcastically.

"You know your mood-swings give others whiplash, right?"

"W-Wha-"

"Listen, let's make a deal. You tell me when you're going to start ignoring me again, and when you're going to talk to me again. That way, I'm able to deal with it."

Eridan went to speak before pausing and forming their lips into a thin line, seemingly considering what to say. After a few moments, they nodded.

"That's perfectly fair."

"Okay then, it's settled-"

"But, that means you ow-we me somethin', in turn."

"Fine, what do you want?"

"One theory."

"No."

"Sol, I w-won't laugh. Promise."

"No, ED. Definitely not."

They huffed in response, crossing their arms and rolling their eyes, before pouting.

"Please?"

They fluttered their thick lashes in response, and I found myself almost falling for it - almost. I shook my head, and Eridan frowned.

"No. I'll see you in class."

The bell rang as I spoke, and Eridan audibly groaned, before standing up as well. It was adorable; their frustration. I didn't let that be known though, instead getting up, and heading to class on my own. They wanted theories? They'd have to work for it.

Walking into Biology was irritating, at best. I tried to push past the confused stares I'd received, as if it was unbelievable that Eridan Maryam had sat with me during lunch, and we'd had a conversation. Had it really been that strange? I couldn't figure it on my own, simply being perplexed by it all, and their obsession with hearing my theories on... whatever they were. Maybe, just maybe, they were human, and toying with the idea of being something other, like a middle-schooler who believed they were a cat.  
There'd been a few of those in my old school, and I'd tried ignoring them, not a big fan of the purring, or nuzzling. Whatever it was called.

Eridan came into class just short of the bell ringing, taking their seat next to me, looking away for a few moments, before simply giving me a polite smile.  
I was half-expecting distance, hostility once again, and was ready to pull out my textbook and slouch, but their voice broke my thought process.

"I w-wish you w-wouldn't focus so hard on tryin' to figure me out."

They sounded as if they were talking to themselves, thinking of what they'd say to me, but I'd heard it, and found myself responding.

"You earned it, being such a creep and all."

"W-What if I'm... not the superhero? W-What if I'm dangerous, the bad guy. W-What if I..."

They cut themselves off with a sigh, full of self-loathing and disdain. I'd recognized it - it was the same sigh I'd make when I'd take my medicine after a breakdown, after yelling at someone who didn't deserve it.

"I don't believe you're dangerous, ED."

A dry laugh escaped their lips, a weak and tired sound.

"How-w w-would you know-w, Sollux?

"I've always been pretty good at reading people."

"V-Very funny."

Eridan made a motion with their lips, wanting to respond, but cut themselves off, looking up to the board, instead focusing on it. I looked at them for a few seconds longer, before deciding to do the same thing. Had I said something wrong? No, they were the one being strange. I wouldn't allow myself to be upset over this, when I'd done nothing wrong. This time, it was them.

Class was uneventful, along with the rest of the day. I'd given Eridan small glances every few seconds, hoping to see them glancing back at me, hoping to receive a dimpled smile, anything. I was a glutton for punishment.  
We had a quiz in Biology, about something I didn't care enough to study, nor memorize. Eridan seemed to have realized this, and moved their paper over to my side, allowing me to steal their answers, but never giving a second glance.

After class, they'd quickly walked off, and I was left heading to Gym alone, with Nepeta staring at me slightly awed, and Tavros giving me short, but jealous looks. It was strange, but I tried not to focus on it so much as Feferi met me at the door, polite as ever, seemingly unaffected. It was a nice contrast, from the entire fuck-fest that was today.

"What did you and Eridan talk about?"

Never-mind, she was just as curious as the others. I found myself with a shorter fuse today, and sighed, rolling my eyes at the question.

"Nothing, just the weather."

Now was her turn to huff, a little more than upset at my useless response, not able to take the gossip, and give it to Nepeta. No way in hell was I going to fuel my cousin's 'shipping' fantasies, with something I wasn't sure of myself. It was ridiculous, and not happening.

I stayed at the entrance of the class-room as Feferi walked in, a bit tired, annoyed, and really, just wanting to leave. It'd always been easier to skip back at home, there was simply too many students to notice, but this school didn't even have security guards at any exit, and it'd be way too easy to walk off, and take a long, dramatic walk home.  
It was tempting, and today had been pretty damn stressful, from start to finish.  
I took a few moments to contemplate it, before mentally going 'fuck it', and walking to the opposite direction of the classroom, away from the hallways, and to the parking lot.

The fresh air was a welcome surprise, even with the traces of green, and fog tainting it. Anything was better than the foggy atmosphere, and I leaned against the front of Karkat's truck, pulling a notebook from my bag, and a pen. It was relaxing enough to where I could easily work on lines of code, and try clearing my mind. I'd long but forgotten about the crumpled paper in my pocket - besides, I'd mentally examined it, and come across far too much problems than it was worth. The protection barriers would be weak, and easy to bypass for anyone with half of a brain-cell, and a pair of hands.

Just writing it down was enough to ease my nerves about it and everything else, and with every movement of my pen I took a few moments to mentally examine it, and guess which error would come up, which faults I'd have to patch later on.

A few thirty minutes had passed with me focused on my own... devices, but I hadn't noticed anyone was beside me until I heard someone clear their throat, and almost shrieked - no, I definitely squeaked.

Eridan gave a chuckle at that, a wide smile plastered on their face, and eyes bright. I'd managed to not drop my things this time, but by the look of their face, I felt as if I just might, eventually.

"You decided to skip Gym? Sol', I'm not v-very impressed."

Their tone was casual, sarcastic, and I found myself relieved at that. This'd be a diplomatic conversation, not very hostile at all.

"It gets pretty old after the fifth time falling over... in a row. Besides, I'd already taken my two years needed, I don't need two more."

The glance Eridan gave at my thin, soft body was enough to make me mentally picture them, mentally hear them say 'are you sure about that?' I shrugged it off, and looked down at them.

"Don't you leave school early? Why are you still here?"

"Rufioh forgot his car, so I hav-ve to driv-ve them home."

"What a shame, it must be horrible having to share your little prissy car."

"You hav-ve no idea."

After a few moments of silence, I stood straight, planning on starting to head home, before Eridan cut me off, speaking quickly, but quietly. Almost embarrassed of what they were saying.

"W-Would you like a ride home?"

"What?"

"W-Well," They paused, looking up from their hands, and looking right at me. Direct eye contact, and I was smitten. "There's still an hour left a' class, an' it's goin' to rain. I can drop you off, an' come right back w-with time left to spare."

"Do you offer all of your class-mates rides home?"

"Only the poor ones."

"Nice."

I didn't complain; a ride in a Volvo was a ride in a Volvo, and a pretty face was a pretty face. We stayed quiet as we headed over to their car, it wasn't far at all, but any walk clouded in awkward silence seemed uncomfortable, longer than usual. Once we finally reached it, I fought the urge to hold Eridan's door open for them. That'd be incredibly cheesy, and I'd regret it later, or at the very least beat myself up for it. It wasn't worth it, and as I took my seat and put on my seat-belt, they turned the car back on, reaching for the radio, and switching it on.  
I instantly recognized the song, and felt a smile creep up on my face, but replaced it with a teasing smirk, leaning back against the seat. This car had much, much more room for my legs.

"Fall Out Boy?"

"Yes, do you not like them?"

"Oh, I don't mind, you just didn't seem like the type to listen to really... any sort of 'edgy' music."

Thinking back on it, only really Aradia ever listened to them back at home, and she'd been obsessed with anything remotely grim.

"Gam' show-wed me them. They're pretty good, an' it's better than anythin' Porrim plays. She alw-ways plays ABBA, it's positiv-vely infruriatin'."

Eridan didn't continue playing the song though, instead pressing at the radio and skipping the tracks, until 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' came on. Typical hipster.

"Let me guess, you listened to Arctic Monkeys before they were cool?"

"Absolutely."

I smiled at their response, and they turned up the volume as they backed out of their parking space, and started driving off. I didn't care to notice how fast they were driving, driving fast had never bothered me before, and it was always exhilarating. 

"Left, or right?" I opened my eyes a few minutes later, eyeing the stop-light they'd stopped at, before mumbling a 'right', and leaning back, planning on enjoying the ride.  
Their voice cut my plans short, and I sighed at it.

"W-Would you care sharin' your theories now-w?"

"Why, why does it even matter?"

Eridan put the volume down at that, just a little, and shrugged.

"I'm curious, is all. Nobody has tried figurin' me out prior, an' I'd lov-ve to hear w-what you'v-ve got."

Well, if they got offended, that was on them.

"Radioactiv-ve spider?"

That got a chuckle out of them, and they shook their head, pleased.

"Goodness, no."

I went to mention my other theory, but they quickly cut me off, voice light.

"I'm not sensitiv-ve to silv-ver," They paused to look at me, or... well, my piercings. "Obv-viously, nor Kryptonite. My parents w-weren't murdered in front a' me, an' I didn't melt the guns used to kill them to make my armor."

Damn, they were good. It was my turn to huff, and then I childishly crossed my arms.

"Well, then I've got nothing."

I noticed the heater was on, but didn't complain. It was much more comfortable.

"Keep it that w-way."

"Hu-"

"How-w old are you, Sollux?"

I looked up at the road, and noticed they were taking the longer backroads to my uncle's house. I didn't question them knowing the address, it seemed he'd been decent friends with Eridan's mother.

"Seventeen?"

"Ah."

They gripped at the steering wheel tightly for a few moments, before exhaling, and holding onto it gently.

"W-What happened to your brother?"

"Excuthe me?"

I felt my lisp return, a product of my anger. It was all sorts of wrong to just ask that up-front, but the look on Eridan's face that they had no bad intent, just genuinely curious. I was still angry at it.

"You'd said he'd had an accident, an' w-was in a nursin' home. I'm simply curious - w-what happened to him?"

"Car crash."

My tone was angry, words quick, and snappy. Eridan didn't flinch, instead nodding.

"Had he been w-with anyone prior?"

That... was a strange change of questions, and made me feel a little more comfortable. They hadn't already dehumanized Mituna, and instead wanted to learn about him. It was nice, different from the usual reaction.

"Still is. A girl called Latula; Terezi's older sister."

"Ah, that's nice."

"Why are you so interested in this?"

"Just w-wonderin', if your parents hav-ve any guidelines on w-who you'd bring home."

Oh. I felt my face heat up, not sure why'd they'd want to question that, but tried acting cool about it all. Emphasis on 'tried'.

"I don't think they really care. My last girlfriend was into taxidermy, and my dad let her stuff the dead bees he'd find in our beehives."

"So, they don't mind scary people?"

"I... think they wouldn't?"

I felt the car stop, and looked up, noticing we'd already arrived at the house, and we'd had forty minutes left to spare.

"Do you think I could be scary?"

They spoke in a light tone, voice hinting that this was a joke, but eyes heavy.

"No, I don't."

Eridan seemed disappointed by my answer, and turned to face me, expression now serious, bordering the look they'd given me on my first day of school.

"Are you scared a' me now-w?"

I was terrified.

"No."

Their expression softened at that, a hint of a smile tracing their lips. I considered getting out of the car, but Eridan hadn't asked me to.

"Are you going to tell me about your family now? It's probably way more interesting than mine."

Their eyes were instantly curious, looking at me intently.

"W-What w-would you like to know-w?"

"The... Maryams' adopted you?"

"Yes."

I almost hesitated, but they'd asked about my brother fairly easily, so I had no reason to be worried.

"What happened to your parents?"

"Ah, they died soon after my birth."

An orphan. I felt saddened by that, sorry for them, but didn't let it show.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright, I don't remember much a' them. Rosa an' Psi hav-ve been my parents for my entire life now-w."

"And you love them?"

"Yes." 

It was obvious, in the way they spoke of them. I hadn't even met the two, but was they were incredible, just by the way Eridan's face looked as they brought them up.

"I couldn't imagine tw-wo better people."

"And your siblings?"

Eridan's face turned to the dashboard, glancing at the clock, and sighing. They seemed annoyed.

"They'll be v-very annoyed if they hav-ve to stand in the rain, w-waitin' for me."

Damn.

"So, you have to go?"

"Afraid so. Hav-ve fun at the beach... it seems the w-weather w-will be perfect."

They glanced at the darkening sky, giving me a sly smile. I felt bad, saddened they'd have to leave so soon.

"You won't go?"

Eridan looked down for a moment, considering their response, before looking back up at me, and giving me another soft, dimpled smile.

I was obsessed.

"No, I'm afraid I'll be startin' my w-weekend early. W-We're goin' to camp."

Oh. My uncle had mentioned they'd done that every-time the weather was nice, and I backtracked to their comment. Maybe the weather would be nice..?

"Where to?"

"Goat Rocks W-Wilderness, Rufioh has been itchin' to go back."

"Oh, have fun then."

I hoped my tone wasn't obviously bothered, obviously upset by this. It seemed to be, judging from the smile that landed on Eridan's face.

"I'll try. Do me a fav-vor, Sol'?"

"Yes, princess?"

"Don't fall dow-wn any more stairs, at least... until Monday. Please don't be offended by that, but you seem to attract trouble."  
I wasn't smiling, but decided to play along, if not only to trouble them some more.

"I'll see what I can do, but... stairs are boring, ED. That bridge looks pretty nice, don't you think?"

I was laughing, but their eyes slit, and they glared at me. I gulped, and then casually rolled my eyes.

"Fine, I'll try to not die."

They flashed a smile at that, obviously satisfied, and I stepped out of the car, grabbing my things, and closing the door behind me.

"Excellent. I'll see you Monday."

I went to respond once I'd finally stood straight, but they'd already driven off. I took a moment to re-evaluate everything that had just happened, before simply trying not to dwell on it, and heading inside.


	6. Scary Stories

As I entered the house, I was met with peace and quiet. My uncle was still at work, aunt still in the office, and cousins still at school. I found myself eased, relaxed. Talking to Eridan had calmed my nerves, even if it was an incredibly strange conversation, and they answered virtually none of the questions I'd wanted answers to.  
When Nepeta and Karkat finally arrived home, the growling of his truck breaking through the pattering of the rain, I took a breath, and counted the seconds of calamity on one hand.  
On the third finger, Nepeta was climbing up into the attic, not bothering to knock, and sitting right on my bed, one brow raised, and legs and arms crossed accusingly.

"What did Eridan want?" 

I'd expected the question, honestly. It was a bit annoying, but I'd feel better not ending up on Nepeta's relationship chart in the near future, so I found myself answering.

"I don't know. We juth- just talked about class."

"Oh. Interesting."

"What... does that mean?"

"You seemed angry, is all. Besides, that was pretty weird. They're never with anyone other than their family, so..."

"So what?"

"Nothing. Why'd you leave home early?"

"I forgot my meds, and couldn't deal with Gym."

"Oh, hm, okay."

I found myself increasingly irritated with her tone, as if she'd been expecting me to let her in on some secret she could pass around, share with every one of her friends. I decided not to let it show though, instead reaching over the bed for my back-pack, and pulling out the copy of Macbeth we'd had to write an essay on, and opened it to the page I'd last read.  
Nepeta caught that, and blinked, before speaking.

"We do an essay on that like every year, need help with it?"

"Sure."

Thursday evening passed in a blur of essay planning and writing, but by Friday, all I wanted - could, think about was Eridan. Even though they'd mentioned they wouldn't be present, I looked to my side in Biology, up and around during lunch, and felt somewhat miserable, easier to press the buttons of.  
I found myself looking to the table where Porrim, Gamzee, and Kanaya sat, a little more bitter at the fact that Eridan wasn't there, that I wouldn't be able to steal them for the period.

My usual lunch table was full of chatter, and Nepeta was mentioning the plans for the beach, more excited than usual. She'd convinced her best friend, Equius, to attend with his own family, which was apparently out of the normal for them.  
Aside from that, Feferi was happy, boasting about the latest weather report - it'd be sunny, warm, and no rain. The weatherman had said so. I found myself rolling my eyes at that... I'd have to see it to believe it, and hoped otherwise. If the weather was nice, Eridan would be forced to go hiking, and I wouldn't be able to see them.  
If this was my simple attitude about the weather, all over a classmate, this outing was going to be miserable.

Leaving lunch, I'd given a few glances to Tavros, who'd seemed more quiet than usual. His blond spikes were combed down, and he'd shaved the sides of his hair. I commented about how it'd looked sick, and he ignored me.  
I was a foot away from him as we exited the cafeteria, though he didn't seem aware of it.

"...don't know why Sollux," - He spat my name out, different from his usual nervous composure - "doesn't just sit with the Maryams from now on."

I was taken back by this, surprised by the malice in his tone. In fact, I'd never noticed how nasally his voice was, like nails on a chalkboard. I didn't even know much of him, and he didn't know of me, at least... not enough to hate me. I pushed the urge to respond back, just in time to hear Feferi puff, and catch her crossing her arms.

"He's my friend! So, he sits with us."

Feferi's voice was sharp, and territorial. I winced at it, before simply waiting for Karkat and Terezi to pass me, and then walk off. I didn't want to hear anymore.  
The rest of school was exhausting... aforementioned. Biology was hell, and Gym was just as bad, if not worse. Well, no, it was better. It's a bit harder to worry about your cru- friend, hot friend, when you're getting smacked with tennis rackets, and balls.

Home was a safe haven, and that night at dinner, my aunt was genuinely enthusiastic about our trip to La Push, asking Nepeta if they'd need lunch packed, or clothes. Nepeta shrugged off her questions with an expertly placed "sure" in between her questions, until my aunt took the hint, and instead turned to me. I felt guilty - she'd never really focused on her kid's social lives prior, Karkat and Nepeta were naturally well-liked and popular, but I was the basket-case of the family. Dependent on pills and weekly therapist sessions, constantly flipping between depressive ruts, and highs where I'd find girlfriends, and leave the house every weekend for hours on end.  
I couldn't help but feel bad about it all. She'd been much more caring about the whole transition, trying to cater to my needs in every way, and polite about it all. I answered her questions casually, trying to give her the impression that I was better - really!.. and she didn't have to worry about it for now, because I was fine. Perfectly okay, and I was going to have a great time tomorrow.

She took well to the conversation, a little skeptical if anything, but mainly calm. Success.

After dinner, I set my plate into the sink as my uncle worked on the dishes, lingering for a few moments, before finally speaking.

"Uh- hey, do you know a place called... Goat Rock... something? It's south of... some mountain."

"Yeah, why?"

Time to not seem like a total creep, and play it off casually.

"Some kids were talking about camping there, is all."

"Huh. It's not a very good place for camping, there's a lot of bears,"

He paused to dry a plate and set it on the rack.

"Most people go during hunting season, usually."

"Oh. I probably got the name wrong."

I meant to sleep, but I found myself staying up late, the darkness of my bedroom illuminated by the screen of my lap-top, as I frantically typed in lines of code, lines of command between digits and asterisks. My mind was racing at 4TB a minute, the sudden wave of energy leading me to work on my project - the chatting app, what I'd been working on for days.  
By morning, as the bright sun started poking through the windows, I ran it once, and was met with a yellow-orange square, and a blank, but dark grey friends-list. It ran smoothly... for the most part, stuttering and shutting down as I typed, but otherwise fine.

Success.

I took my favorite username early on, setting up a system where it'd be one lowercase word, combined with an uppercase word. It was easier to code than a system that accepts any string of words, and worked out perfectly. After setting my account - chum, to a "Peppy" mood... it was rather funny, with the little shades on the icon - I'd designed all of it within minutes on Gimp, and it seemed to work fine... and giving myself a yellow/mustard text color, I finalized the finishing touches, before finally saving the application as "BETA 0.0.2", and sending a link to download to my own e-mail. I'd open it later on, on my desk-top computer, and try it on then.

For now, Nepeta was knocking on my door, and I looked down to the clock on my computer, wincing at the time. I groggily stood up, not realizing just how tired I was, but it was nothing some coffee couldn't fix, and judging by how ridiculously bright it was out, the big, fat, fire-ball resting between thick clouds, standing on a back-drop of blue. It'd already pissed me off, but it was better than stupid rain, or something of the sort.

A mug... or two of black coffee and a shower later, we were piled into Karkat's truck, heading over to the meet-up stop. A shop I'd probably seen before, but never cared enough to stop by, or remember the name of. It was just North of town, and my uncle was a frequest visitor, always buying gear to drag Karkat out on hunting trips, or fishing. Usually, Nepeta ended up being the one going with him.  
As we arrived I noticed Tavros standing beside a Suburban, and Terezi's Sentra pulling into the drive-way, and then backing up, and then parking again. When we finally parked beside them, I noticed the group in front of the cars, and cringed. It was... definitely an outing, and I'd definitely be socializing.

Terezi was out of her car, leaning against the wall of the store and talking to a taller girl with long hair, a faded and splotchy dye job that seemed to be blue, and black roots poking from her scalp. She had a thick fringe combed over, and her hair was huge - It went well with her dark t-shirt, and black, torn jeans, a chunky belt, and blue flannel layered over it all. Her thin brows made her more threatening, along with the jewelery along her face, practically putting me to shame.  
I'd heard of her from Karkat's rants prior, and she seemed to be the one constantly stirring up trouble. I was sure her name was Vriska, but never cared enough to double-check.

Beside them was another boy - Dave Strider, to be precise, the one Karkat had backed up into. His blond shag seemed trimmed now, more taken care of, and less... "effortless". His sun-glasses never left his face, and I suspected he had to have some sort of weakness to light - that wasn't normal. But, then again, it was likely a fashion statement, and I had no real say in it.

There were more people I didn't recognize there, but as I stepped out of the car, only Vriska turned, her hair as stiff as stone, and gave me a scowl, on her thin yet painted lips. I didn't... really know how to respond, and I was too tired too, so ignored it. At the very least, Tavros was happy to see me, and walked up to me.

"You... You made it!" He paused, looking at the sky, and then smiled. "It's... uh, sunny, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I told you I'd come, didn't I?"

"Yeah! We're just... waiting for Feferi now, unless... you had any-one else coming?"

"Nope."

As we spoke, a mini-van pulled into the parking lot, and I caught myself slipping away from reality, hoping it'd be Eridan, even though the freak wouldn't dare be caught dead in that sort of car. A foot wearing a bright, pink, plastic sandal came into view, and I snapped right back into reality.  
Feferi stepped out, and I gave a small nod towards her, acknowledging her existence, and then turned to Tavros.

"Want... to, um, ride in my car? It's either that, or... Feferi's... and she never puts on the air."

Sheesh.

"Sure."

He gave a smile, and I realized just how easy it was to make Tavros happy, before remembering that Feferi likely wouldn't be very happy with this, and I could already imagine the pout, and crossed arms.

"You can... have shotgun!"

The numbers worked out in my favor, at least. Feferi brought two extra people with her, her older sisters, and Karkat refused to put the truck through rocky roads, so every seat was necessary. I managed to wedge between Tavros and Nepeta in his car, fiddling with the settings on my Ipod, deciding on what song to listen to. Tavros could've been more eager about it all, but the ride was fairly quick.

It was only fifteen minutes from Forks to La Push, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging along the roads, marking subtle trails to hike, or hunt. My mind fell to Eridan - this had to be why they only went along during nice days, no? The weather was lovely, and even a recluse like me would enjoy trailing along miles of forests, trees, and greenery lining along the Quillayute River. I was glad they'd given me the window seat - mainly for my height, but I was also able to just take in the view, rolling down my window, and ignoring the frizz that'd form in my curls afterwards. Aradia wasn't around to force me to sit down and comb it, and even she'd let her hair turn into a mess just to see this.

I'd been around the beaches surrounding La Push a few times prior - before the accident, obviously. Me and Karkat would sit on the sand and try our hand at castles, while our dads talked along the shores, and moms sat beside us, preparing small snacks. It'd been a while ago, but I found myself remembering the mile-long crescent of First Beach, which managed to surprise me. Still, I'd forgotten how... beautiful, it all was. It was sunny out, bright, but the water of the beach was always a dark gray, splashing along the gray, sandy shore. Islands rose out of the steel harbor waters with sheer cliff sides, reaching to uneven summits, and crowned with austere, soaring firs. The beach had only a thin border of actual sand at the water's edge, after which it grew into millions of large, smooth stones that looked uniformly gray from a distance, but close up were every shade a stone could be: terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue gray, dull gold. The tide line was strewn with huge driftwood trees, bleached bone white in the salt waves, some piled together against the edge of the forest fringe, some lying solitary, just out of reach of the waves.  
There was a brisk wind coming off the waves, cool and briny. Pelicans floated on the swells while seagulls and a lone eagle wheeled above them. The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.

It was the type of place you'd sit on the shore of, pen and pad in hand, and write music. It was the type of place I'd bring my guitar, and sit in the middle of night, illuminated by only the moon and crackling of fire, and play.

We picked our way down to the beach, Feferi leading the way to a ring of driftwood logs that had obviously been used for parties like ours before. I found myself examining it all, slowly growing to regret not bringing a sort of camera to capture it all, and remember it. There was a fire circle already in place, filled with black ashes. Tavros and the blond boy, Dave gathered broken branches of driftwood from the drier piles against the forest edge, and soon had a teepee-shaped construction built atop the old cinders. I wasn't very good with fire, admittedly, but decided to try my hand at one of my favorite tricks, that didn't involve bringing a cigarette to my lips, lighting it, and inhaling.

I moved to stand beside Feferi, digging my box of cigarettes from the pocket of my sweater, and fishing for the lighter. Once it was in my hands - a little metal one, the one you'd flip open, I noticed a judging look in her eyes, but ignored it as I pulled a cigarette to my lips, keeping it between my teeth.

"You've seen a drift-wood fire before?"

"No," 

She responded quickly, examining my movements as I walked over to the shore quickly, grabbing a conveniently-placed branch, that seemed to have come up, and dried off. I walked back over, and kneeled over to light the main fire, resting the branch beside me.

"You'll like this then, watch the colors."

She kept her eyes, clouded by thick, magenta frames on the wood as I grabbed the branch, and pressed the lighter to it, before placing it right between the main fire, giving a small smile as the flames licked up the wood, and lavender and teal flames sparked up.

"It's blue!"

She seemed surprised, and I took a quick moment to consider how she hadn't known this, but ignored it.

"The salt does it. Pretty, isn't it?" 

I lit one more piece, resting it right where the flames hadn't been affected, before taking a seat beside her, and lighting my cigarette. Nepeta quickly joined us, resting her arm over Feferi's shoulder, and resting her head next to her neck. I inhaled the smoke, and exhaled, stretching over to rest my arm over both of them, adding small tid-bits into whatever discussion came up as I smoked, and kept my eyes on the strange violet and green flames.

After a half hour of chatter, the rest of the group decided they wanted to hike along the tide-pools, which proved to be an issue, My legs were tired, I was way too relaxed where I was, and I'd downed three cigarettes, either from pure relaxation - or how long I'd been holding back from grabbing at them. On the other hand, I liked the tide-pools. They were fun, entertaining, and while I'd always fallen into them, I'd always gotten back up and enjoyed my day. Still, my memory returned to Eridan's previous statement - "don't die," and I found myself reaching for my lighter.

Vriska was the one who made my decision for me. She didn't want to hike, and her hair was going to curl up with the wind. I scoffed at that remark to myself - that shit reeked of hair-spray, it was solid enough to withstand a grenade. Most of the other girls besides Feferi and Nepeta decided to stay on the beach as well, probably planning to gossip, and I waited until Dave and Karkat had agreed to remaining with them before I got up quietly to join the pro-hiking group. Tavros gave me a huge smile when he saw that I was coming.

The hike wasn't too long, and I relished in every moment we'd lost the sun, and were surrounded by green, trees, and pure, solid air. It was more relaxing than I'd expected, and I managed to keep my hands in the pockets of my jeans, versus anxiously fiddling, or reaching over to hold something. The topic of conversation went horribly with the atmosphere of the forest, discussions of dance dresses and dates, corsages and chemistry home-work taking place in a dark, gloomy, green forest. Even with my long legs, I found myself falling behind, looking down to make sure I didn't step on a branch, animal, left, anything that'd cause me to fall over, and scuff my face. Even more surprising, the floor of the forest was still lovely. After a few moments of catching myself, I found the end of the forest, breaking through it, and taking a step onto the rocky shore. It was low tide, and a tidal river flowed past us on its way to the sea. Along its pebbled banks, shallow pools that never completely drained were teeming with life.

I was very cautious not to lean too far over the little ocean ponds. The others were fearless, leaping over the rocks, perching precariously on the edges. I considered joining, but got a sudden flash-back of the time I'd almost got stuck onto one, and instead took a seat on a... sort of... stable rock beside me, along the fringe of one of the largest pools, captured by the natural aquarium below me. The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return. I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Eridan was doing now, and trying to imagine what they would be saying if they were here with me.

After what... felt like minutes, but seemed to be longer, the rest of the group was hungry, so I got up stiffly to follow them back. I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, and so I fell over, constantly, but managed to catch myself every-time. I got some shallow scrapes on my palms from gripping onto trees, and the knees of my jeans were stained green, but it could have been worse.

When we got back to First Beach, the group we'd left behind had multiplied. As we got closer we could see the shining, straight black hair and copper skin of the newcomers, teenagers from the reservation come to socialize.

The food was already being passed around, and the boys hurried to claim a share while Terezi introduced us as we each entered the driftwood circle. Feferi and I were the last to arrive, and, as Terezi said our names, I noticed a younger, but taller boy sitting on the stones near the fire glance up at me in interest. I sat down next to Nepeta, and Feferi brought us sandwiches and an array of sodas to choose from, while a boy who looked to be the oldest of the visitors rattled off the names of the seven others with him. All I caught was that one of the boys was close to Tavro's family, and the boy who noticed me was named Equius.

It was relaxing to sit with Nepeta; she understood me through and through, or... at the very least, better than others. She didn't feel the need to fill every silence with chatter, and left me free to think undisturbed while we ate. I was grateful for it, though I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks, passing in a blur at times, with single images standing out more clearly than others. And then, at other times, every second was significant, etched in my mind. I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.

During lunch the clouds started to advance, slinking across the blue sky, darting in front of the sun momentarily, casting long shadows across the beach, and blackening the waves. I groaned at it, and silently sent a prayer above, hoping it wouldn't end up raining, or worse. As people finished eating, they quickly walked off in groups - Terezi with Dave, Nepeta with Karkat and Feferi. Some walked down to the edge of the waves, trying to skip rocks across the choppy surface. I caught Karkat reach over, almost aiming for Dave's shadowy figure, and Nepeta grab the rock out of his hand, and toss it into the ocean. Others were gathering a second expedition to the tide pools. Feferi, with Nepeta shadowing her headed up to the one shop in the village. Some of the local kids went with them; others went along on the hike. By the time they all had scattered, I was sitting alone on my driftwood log, with Tavros and Vriska occupying themselves with conversation by the CD player someone had thought to bring, and three teenagers from the reservation perched around the circle, including the boy named Equius and the oldest boy who had acted as spokesperson.

A few minutes after I'd been left to sit on my own, Equius sauntered over to take the empty place by my side. He looked young in the face, long, undefined features clouded with childish structure, and had long, glossy black hair pulled back with a rubber band at the nape of his neck. His skin was riddled with scars of acne, though... nice, silky and russet-colored; his eyes were dark, set deep above the high planes of his cheekbones. He still had just a hint of childish roundness left around his chin. Altogether, a very pretty face.

However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.

"Are you Sollux Vantas?"

It was like the first day of school all over again, and I genuinely sat and wondered what my cousins said about me, and if they'd cared enough to clarify.

"Captor. Sollux Captor,"

I gave a sigh as I spoke, clearly annoyed, but Equius seemed to be unfazed by it.

"Equius Zahhak." 

He held his hand out in a polite gesture. 

"I usually come over to your house on week-ends, or the sort."

"Oh,"

I said, relieved, shaking his sleek hand. 

"You're Nepeta's best friend, don't you drive her to soccer practice? I should've noticed you, sorry, fuck."

He seemed to cringe at my language, but nodded, and pulled his hand away.

"No, I visit early, and rarely step inside. You'd have a better chance remembering my brother, he fixes Karkat's truck every few weeks."

"Horuth- Horuss?" 

I found myself questioning it loudly, and cringed. Karkat kept his cards around the house, always too lazy to remember contacts, and breaking through all his new phones. Even then, Horuss had a shop right on the outskirts of the reservation, and it was in the middle of a shopping center, under an... 'Adult's Store,'.

"He's here now?" 

I turned my head to look at everyone that was still at the shore - Horuss was easy to recognize, long hair braided back, and eyes usually covered by goggles. I never knew why he wore them outside of work, but didn't care to question it.

"No," Equius shook his head. "He sold his shop a bit over two months ago, and moved to Seattle with his wife. She liked the city."

"Married. Wow." 

I was stunned. Horuss was only a little older than me, and he'd already had a shop, and moved out. If my parents heard this, they'd never let me live peacefully again.

"So, how do you like Forks?"

"Ah, it's... definitely new."

"Excuse my profanity, but... it is... a rather bull-shit town," he laughed. "I was so relived when my brother moved out. It just means I'll be able to get out of here quicker, now that my parents see it isn't horrible outside of the reservation."

"I don't... hate the town,"

I found myself objecting, if not only to prove a point.

"Have you gone to the Equestrian Center?"

"Er... no?"

"Good. Don't." He grinned.

I couldn't help grinning back, though I was pretty confused by the change of direction.

"Do horses even exist here? It's supposed to be the country, and I've never seen one here. I was almost expecting cow-boys tipping their hats, but instead it's just... walking everywhere."

"Exactly my point. There is a severe lack of horses here," he agreed with another laugh.

"So, you're into horses? Do you ride them, or...?"

"When I have free time, and there's a genuine competition happening. I usually have to bring the ones my dad keeps in the farm, there's only three of each in the center, and it's rather ridiculous having to reserve a horse." He had a husky voice, pleasant to hear, even if I didn't understand what he was saying. "If you happen to come across an Italian Trotter, please do tell."

"Sorry," I chuckled, "I haven't seen any lately, but I'll keep my eyes open for you." 

As if I knew what that was. He was very easy to talk with.

He flashed a brilliant smile, looking at me appreciatively in a way I was learning to recognize. As he reached to fiddle with the sunglasses attached to his shirt, I looked up, and frowned. I wasn't the only one who noticed.

"You know Sollux, Equius?" Vriska asked in a... simply put, bitchy way. I rolled my eyes at it, silently hoping she'd fuck the fuck off, and go back to talking to Tavros. I didn't know her, but already disliked her.

"Familial connections," he gave her a polite smile, and then turned to actually grin at me.

"How nice." She didn't sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed, wings of dark eyeliner poking from the edges of them. I decided I absolutely hated eyeliner, if it wasn't on Eridan's eyes.

"Captor," she called again, watching my face carefully, "I was just saying to Tavros that it was too bad none of the Maryams' could come out today. Didn't anyone think to invite them?" 

Her expression of concern was unconvincing, and I went to respond with at the very least... an ounce of bite, before being interrupted by Nepeta's voice. I hadn't heard them return, but felt instantly comforted.

"You mean Dr. Dolorosa Maryam's family?" She spoke in a sharp voice, and I suddenly realized how much my cousin had grown. She didn't sound like a little girl, but instead a grown woman. I found myself intimidated from just her tone, but Vriska didn't budge.

"Yes, do you know them?" she asked condescendingly, turning to her, arms crossed, smirk plastered on her sticky lips.

"The Maryams' don't come here," She spoke in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring Vriska's question.

Tavros finally jumped into the conversation, albeit awkwardly - likely noticing the tension, and trying to distract Vriska by asking her about a CD he was holding. She was distracted, and walked off rather quickly. He followed right after her.

My vision fell onto Nepeta, taken aback, and staring down at her, trying to decipher what she meant. She hadn't spoken in a casual tone, no, her voice implied much more. The Maryams' weren't allowed; they were prohibited. Her words left an impression on me, and as much as I disliked it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I caught a glimpse of her grabbing Feferi's hand, and leading her to the forest, before Equius's now nervous voice interrupted my thought process.

"Is this town finally driving you insane? Nepeta mentioned you didn't like it very much."

"That's a fucking understatement." 

I grimaced. He smiled understandingly, but kept quiet, instead pulling at the skin between his finger-nails.

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Maryams', and I needed to get out of my head. I figured Equius would have some sort of idea what it was about, and didn't bother sugar-coating any part of it, instead standing up, and digging my hands into the pockets of my jackets.

"Do you want to walk down the beach with me?" 

I asked rather quickly, but low enough that anyone nearby wouldn't hear. I debated on pulling a cigarette to my lips, but chose not to, out of respect, mostly.

"Sure."

Equius agreed rather quickly, though I didn't quite understand if it was because he didn't want to be alone, or he wanted to accompany me.

As we walked north across the multi-hued stones toward the driftwood seawall, the clouds finally closed ranks across the sky, causing the sea to darken and the temperature to drop. I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket.

"How old are you, dude?"

I kept my voice monotone, fiddling with the lighter in my pocket, tapping the metal casing thoughtfully.

"Sixteen,"

"Really?" I wasn't really surprised, mostly because he looked young in the face, but otherwise I would have been. "I would have thought you were older."

"I'm tall for my age," he explained.

"Do you come up to Seattle much?" 

He'd mentioned enjoying the city earlier, which caught me by surprise - and I decided to get information on it, in case I'd need a ride eventually. Family connections were rather good, and Equius seemed to be a nice guy to keep around, though he was rather anxious, and his palms seemed clammy.

"Not too much," he admitted with a frown. "But when Horuss gets my car finished I can go up as much as I want... after I get my license," he mumbled, as if he didn't really want to get his license.

"What did Nepeta mean by what she told Vriska... all of that shit about the doctor, sounded pretty weird. Did they do something to your family?"

I kept my voice casual, and luckily Equius didn't seem very suspicious.

"The Maryams'? Oh, they're not supposed to come onto the reservation." He looked away, out toward James Island, as he confirmed what I'd thought I'd heard in Nepeta's voice.

"Why not?"

He glanced back at me, biting his lip. 

"Goodness, I'm not supposed to say anything of it all."

"I'm not going to tell anyone, Nepeta just seemed angry. She's my cousin, you know, gotta wonder if those pasty fuckers did something to her." I tried to sound genuine, butter him up to get him to respond.

He raised a brow at that, before shaking his head, and turning to face me, giving a brilliant grin, and quirked brow.

"Do you like scary stories?" 

He asked ominously.

"Fucking love them," 

I enthused, making an effort to encourage him into speaking.

Equius walked over to an overgrown tree - the roots peeking from the grass like the legs of a spider, branches easily passing over a good foot of the shore, or more. He leaned against it, hiding his hands in the pockets of his jeans, while looking around. He was trying to add to the atmosphere, and I was already interested. I took a seat beside one of it's overgrown roots, looking up at him as I brought my knees to my chest.

"Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from... the Quileutes?" 

He began thoughtfully, though his expression seemed to be ready to speak regardless. He likely knew I didn't know much of it all, or figured.

"Not really," 

I responded easily. I was new here, after all. He couldn’t judge me for being stupid.

"Well, there are lots of legends, some of them claiming to date back to the Flood... supposedly, the ancient Quileutes tied their canoes to the tops of the tallest trees on the mountain to survive like Noah and the ark." He smiled, to show me how little stock he put in the histories. "Another legend claims that we descended from wolves, and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."

I nodded, a little confused. Equius gave a grin, and continued.

"Then there are the stories about the cold ones." 

His voice dropped a little lower.

"The cold ones?" 

I asked, not bothering to bull-shit my interest now.

"Yes. There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends, and some much more recent. According to legend, my own great-grandfather knew some of them. He was the one who made the treaty that kept them off our land." 

He rolled his eyes.

"Your great-grandfather?" 

I thought out-loud.

"He was a tribal elder, like my father. You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf... er- well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves."

"Werewolves have enemies?"

I asked stupidly, though my mind was yelling at me the one logical answer. I ignored it, for the sake of my own sanity.

"Only one."

I stared at him with a raised brow, silently ushering him to continue.

"As you can see," Equius continued, "the cold ones are traditionally our enemies. But this pack that came to our territory during my great-grandfather's time was different. They didn't hunt the way others of their kind did... they weren't supposed to be dangerous to the tribe. So my great-grandfather made a truce with them. If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." 

He brought a hand out of his pocket, and rested it against his chin as he spoke, as if he didn't believe in any of this crap.

"If they weren't dangerous, then why would there be a need for a threat?"

"There's always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they're civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to resist." 

He deliberately worked a thick edge of menace into his tone.

"What do you mean, 'civilized'?"

"They claimed that they didn't hunt humans. They supposedly were somehow able to prey on animals instead."

I tried to keep my voice casual, though it came out louder, as if I was considering his sanity. To be blunt, I was questioning my own.

"So how does it fit in with the Maryams'? Are they just... like these 'cold ones'?"

"No." He paused dramatically. "They are the same ones."

He must have thought the expression on my face was fear inspired by his story. He cracked a laugh, before continuing.

"There are more of them now, a new female and a new male, but the rest are the same. In my great-grandfather's time they already knew of the leader, Dolorosa. She'd been here and gone before your people had even arrived." 

He was fighting a smile.

"Th- So, what are they?" I finally asked. "What are the cold ones?"

He smiled darkly.

"Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."

I stared out at the rough surf after he answered, not sure what my face was exposing.

"You seem... terrified."

He spoke casually, examining my expression.

"Pretty fucking good story," 

I complimented him, still staring into the waves.

"Pretty insane stuff, though, no? No wonder my dad doesn't want us to talk about it to anyone."

I couldn't control my expression enough to look at him yet. I kept my mis-matched eyes on the waves, examining every rise, and fall of them.

"Well, I won't give you away."

"Don't bother. I violated the treaty long ago when I told Nepeta of it all."

He gave a laugh, seeming quite relaxed with all of this.

"How'd she react?"

"Ah, she believes it all more than I do... I suppose it's because she's religious. Though, don't say anything to the chief. He was pretty mad at my dad when he heard that some of us weren't going to the hospital since Dr. Maryam started working there."

"I won't."

"So do you think we're a bunch of superstitious natives?" 

He asked playfully, likely trying to lighten the mood, though I felt sick, and suddenly pale. I turned up to him, just to ease his worries, and gave a smile.

"No, I think you're a bunch of furries, dude."

"I prefer the term clopper."

Suddenly, the sound of the beach rocks clattering against each other warned us that someone was approaching. Our heads snapped up at the same time to see Nepeta and Feferi about fifty yards away, walking toward us.

"There you are, Sollux!" Feferi called in relief, waving her arm over her head. I groaned, genuinely growing to ignore the peace and quiet.

"Is that your girlfriend?" Equius asked, raising a brow at the fact that Feferi had a jealous tone of voice, even while she was with Nepeta. I was more concerned that it was that obvious, and shoved my head into my knees for a few seconds, inhaling, and exhaling.

"Fuck, no," 

I groaned loudly, before standing up, and giving him a genuine grin. He seemed cool, albeit a little... strange, but I could be friends with him.

"So, when Nepeta and I hang out..."

"I'll join, if you can get me out of my room."

He gave a smile in response, before I turned to handle Feferi, and he started walking towards Nepeta.

Feferi had reached us now, with Nepeta still a few paces back. 

"Where have you been?" 

She asked, though the answer was right in front... er, behind her.

"Chilling with Equius. We shared war stories."

Equius grinned at me as I spoke, and then he took Nepeta's hand.

"Well," Feferi paused, pouting for a split-second, before tugging at the front of my jacket, and giving a grin.

"We're packing up! It looks like it's going to rain soon."

We all looked up at the glowering sky. It definitely did look like rain.

"Okay." I stood up, and gave a stretch, enjoying the satisfying pop of my limbs. "I'm coming."

"It was nice to see you again," 

Equius said, and I could tell he was taunting Feferi just a bit.

"It really was. Next time Nepeta comes down here, I'll come, too," 

It was a genuine promise.

His grin stretched across his face. 

"That would be cool."

"And thanks," I added seriously.

I pulled up my hood as we tramped across the rocks toward the parking lot. A few drops were beginning to fall, making black spots on the stones where they landed. When we got to the Suburban the others were already loading everything back in. I crawled into the backseat by Karkat and Terezi, announcing that I'd already had my turn in the shotgun position. Terezi just stared out the window at the escalating storm, and Vriska twisted around in the middle seat to occupy Tavros's attention, so I could simply lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes and try very hard not to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, it's all coming together.


	7. Lines of Code

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've lost so many brain-cells writing Sollux he's SO stupid.

I hadn't noticed when we arrived home, Karkat's truck pulling up to the dirt road, and then the rocky gravel drive-way. The sound of him yanking the keys out of the ignition jolted me back to reality - albeit grudgingly. I hadn't wanted to snap back into it, my head was full, and I felt nauseous. My aunt must've noticed my hunched demeanor as I entered the house - she gave me a small look, and then went back to her own devices, while I walked upstairs. I was grateful for it, there was no way I'd be able to explain what was troubling me, and even if I wanted to, I'd be sent back to my parent's house, on a one way ticket to the asylum. Sure, I enjoyed being back at home - Aradia would listen and I'd appreciate it, but nobody else would understand, and I'd find myself chugging more Prozac early morning.

At the end of the day, I could always say I just had a lot of homework, and that'd get an approving grin out of my aunt and uncle, and parents.

When I finally entered my room, I instinctively went to my bed, practically flopping onto it, and hearing an audible thud as a result. I stayed put for a few seconds, chuckling at the "what the fuck?" coming from down-stairs, before reaching over, and grabbing my previously discarded lap-top. I was tired, but BETA 0.0.3 was not, and who was I to refuse her?

I took my Ipod from my pocket, slipping in my earbuds, and pressing shuffle on one of the playlists Aradia had sent me off with - it was titled "f0r when the v0ices get t00 l0ud" and was chock full of... screamo? the screaming music she'd listened to, and truth be told, after the first ten, twenty minutes of repetitive choruses, and Silverstein, I ended up concluding that it really, really did do the trick. Sure, my mind was on Eridan; that was a given nowadays, but it was for a different reason, not my ridiculous theories on their existence.

By the time forty minutes had passed, I'd remembered all of the chorus to 'Smile In Your Sleep', and had pin-pointed them to my current relationship - er, friendship.

It was pathetic, and incredibly edgy, but was the best way I'd found to cope with it all. I'd have to thank Aradia later.

Aside from my pathetic, incredibly pathetic case of pining, I'd finally downloaded the application on my extra computer, and tested it out - worked like a charm. It was a little laggy, nothing a quick recode couldn't fix, but it was fine to send to someone else, now that I'd figured out the networking, and it was working rather well.

I sent the link in the form of a mass e-mail to the entirety of the junior year class, knowing fully well it'd be marked as spam, and likely discarded. I only cared to use it to talk to one certain person, and sent them the private link, along with my account name, and exact directions on how to use it, and add people.

I'd been absentmindedly running code and changing the trimming of my app to a bright red when I'd fallen asleep, slumped over my lap-top, arms splayed beside me, legs folded under me. Opening my eyes had been the strangest part - I half expected to be met with my aunt's cross-armed glare, or Karkat bringing me the trash to throw out, but instead... I opened them, and was met with a field of poppies - no, I didn't know the name of the flowers, but only because they were clouded over by tall spruce trees, hovering over me, covering the entirety of my surroundings, despite rays of sun poking through the gaps. 

Every ounce of physics called for it to be light... but it wasn't. It was dark, practically night, and behind me, I heard the sound of distant waves crashing, yet it seemed to come from miles away. I could see the specks of dust - specific particles, dispersing from my clothes and skin, and flowing to the air. I could see the follicles of my hair, vision appearing to be magnified, and when I looked up, I was met with a glimmer of light, resembling the effect of pressing light against a diamond. My eyes moved a quarter of a centimeter down, face and being entirely still, and they fell on familiar glossy lips, curved into a deep, brooding frown.

My eyes met Eridan's golden, and they took a single step forward, lips curving into an artificial - uncanny, uncomfortable smile.

I tried taking a breath, but my chest felt tight, pressure growing - expanding, until it finally snapped, and I gave a smile in return.

Eridan's hands were equally cold against mine, and I felt myself relax, as they dragged me into the dark of a forest. No pain, I wasn't terrified, but was terrifyingly calm. I was okay with this all, as sick as it was - even as we made our way across the forest in warp speed, even as our feet touched the ground where the snow had stuck, and their ice lips clung to mine.

I woke up hot, and confused; before deciding on sticking to disappointment, and yanking the silent earbuds out of my ears. The Ipod had died a few hours prior, and was simply a brick beside me, so when I placed it to charge I grabbed my laptop, jamming the earbud cable into the port, and setting them back up inside my ears as I loaded everything up. I didn't really know what I was going, or planning on doing, but the prospect of testing out my app seemed promising enough, and as I loaded a YouTube video of a song I'd liked, I noticed my contact list had grown, and I'd had quite the amount of notifications.

The first few were rather easy to decipher - arsenicCatnip, definitely Nepeta, cuttlefishCuller? Grim, but most definitely Feferi. The other few confused me at first, but I figured them out just by how they typed, or what they requested.

Karkat wanted me to get my ass in his room and figure out why his caps-lock was stuck, Terezi wanted to bother me about enrolling in the same law studies class as her for next year.

I scrolled through all memos haphazardly, looking closely to see if any contact seemed familiar - seemed specific, the one I’d actually… wanted to talk to, and as pathetic as it seemed - I felt myself grow more miserable when I’d noticed they hadn’t received it, or downloaded the app. Maybe they didn’t have a computer… no, they’re incredibly rich, and likely ignored it… or me.

I gave a shaky breath, finally realizing how sweaty my palms were, and how tight my chest felt, even after I’d woken up. It was an awkward sensation, constant anxiety and nervousness for no exact reason, and I decided water was needed instantly, in all aspects.

The shower wasn’t nearly enough, nor was brushing my teeth, or chugging four consecutive glasses of water, and then pacing around the kitchen, watching carefully for creaky floor-boards. 

My head felt full, nervous and disgusting, my entire body exhausted, yet… my thought process continued to race, seeming to go practically a mile a minute.

As I made my way upstairs, I noticed the cruiser outside was gone - along with the thick leather coat usually on the rack, and the holster. I hadn’t noticed the time, or how fast it'd gone, and quickly realized it was either practically morning, or my uncle had an early morning. Knowing how much of a workaholic he seemed to be, it was likely the latter.

I got dressed rather quickly, and after having sported a towel around the waist for the last ten minutes, a loose pair of plaid pajama pants, and an old, worn down t-shirt my brother had given me for my 14th birthday seemed rather inviting. It didn’t quite fit right, but it never really mattered. You didn’t need t-shirts in Seattle, and you’d never need one in Forks.

I made my bed as I waited for my desk-top to start up, ignoring the slight rumbling in my stomach - I felt light-headed, yes, but also incredibly sick, and not very interested in trying to keep food down, at least, until I had some form of clarity. My Ipod had finally charged, and I grabbed my discarded ear-buds, quickly putting them on, and pressing shuffle on the same playlist I’d been listening to for hours on end.

My long fingers hit the key-board in almost the same second my ass hit the stiff chair, though they hesitated over the enter button, and when they finally pressed it, my entire being practically shook.

It was a simple word, yet heavy with meaning.

It was one simple word, that could… quite easily, destroy everything.

I wasn’t scared of the word, but instead the prospects it made way for.

The page loaded after a few seconds, and I felt sudden relief at the fact that it was mainly roleplaying information, shit Nepeta would be into - bands I’m sure Aradia listened to, make-up I’m sure she used, basic gothic shit you’d expect.

I found myself growing from anxious, to incredibly bored as I sifted through the pages, occasionally identifying a somewhat… promising site, that led to myths, and bullshit lore. I was half about to close the page, until I spotted a genuinely interesting site, and didn’t hesitate to click.

Vampires A-Z. I practically cringed at this, my entire situation, but kept myself busy by patiently clicking the bright red “x” on every single PesterChum pop-up, regretting not adding a “Do Not Disturb” feature. I’d do that eventually.

The page loaded a few moments later, and I was met with two quotes at the very front page.

_ “Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both. — Rev. Montague Summers” _

_ “If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of the vampires. Nothing is lacking: _

_ official reports, affidavits of well-known people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the _

_ judicial proof is most complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires? — _

_ Rousseau” _

The rest of the site was an alphabetized listing of all the different myths of vampires held throughout the world. The first I clicked on, the Danag, was a Filipino vampire supposedly responsible for planting taro on the islands long ago. The myth continued that the Danag worked with humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood.

I read carefully through the descriptions, looking for anything that sounded familiar, let alone plausible.

It seemed that most vampire myths centered around beautiful women as demons and children as victims; they also seemed like constructs created to explain away the high mortality rates for young children, and to give men an excuse for infidelity. Many of the stories involved bodiless spirits and warnings against improper burials. There wasn't much that sounded like the movies I'd seen, and only a very few, like the Hebrew Estrie and the Polish Upier, who were even preoccupied with drinking blood.

Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci, a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human, the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight, and one other, the Stregoni benefici.

About this last there was only one brief sentence.

Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of

all evil vampires.

It was a relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that claimed the existence of good vampires.

  
  


Overall, there was very little - slim to none information that went along with Equius’s legends, or my own mundane observations. I’d made a check-list in my head, trying to go off of it slowly, compare every myth, with reality. Speed? Check… maybe. Strength? Possibly. Pale? God, yes. Beauty? Fuck yes. Eyes that shift, or change colors? ...Maybe?

Then, Equius’s legends came into play, and I tried with those. Blood-drinkers? They don’t really eat much. Enemies of the werewolves? Maybe they have a pet dog. Cold-skinned? They’re skinny, of fucking course they’re cold as fuck. Immortal? How even.

To top it all off, my mind finally remembered the single most known factor of vampire lore - they sleep in coffins, and burn in the fucking sun. How the hell would they even manage to go to school, every single day?

I already felt frustrated, and this emphasized it, leading me to angrily shut off the monitor, and stand up from the chair - kicking it away, and huffing all of the dramatic walk away from it. This was embarrassing - a vampire? I’d convinced myself a hot kid… just had to be a vampire? There was something incredibly wrong with me, and I felt like a fucking idiot that had a headache, and needed space, and maybe a good comforting from a good friend, but all of that was practically ridiculously out of reach, and I had to… get over myself, on my own.

I considered dramatically running off to the forest behind the house, like a love-struck teenager. The forest wasn’t bad, but rather easy to get lost in, and I had far too many problems at hand - being on the front screen of all high-way billboards wasn’t going to be the newest addition.

So, I took off my ear-buds, setting my Ipod aside, and forced myself to think. Face this issue head on, and deal with it from there. It was the only logical solution, and the only thing that could even dare to be helpful.

First, I had to decide if it was possible that what Equius had said about the Maryams’ could be true, as ridiculous - as exaggerated as it all was. There was a chance it was possible, and I had to consider that.

Immediately my mind responded with a negative tone - it was silly, stupid, and morbid to even fucking consider such ridiculous notions. But what, then? 

I asked myself. 

There was no rational explanation for how I hadn’t broken at least one limb at this point in my move, nor how they managed to instantly ease all of my troubles with just a single glance. I listed again in my head the things I'd observed myself: the impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold and back again, the inhuman beauty, the pale, frigid

skin. And more - small things that registered slowly - how they never seemed to eat, the disturbing elegance with which they moved. And the way they sometimes spoke, which generally confused the fuck out of me, but when I actually paid mind to it - it consisted of unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom. They had skipped class the day we'd done blood typing. They hadn't said no to the beach trip till they heard where we were going. They seemed to know what everyone around me was feeling, planning… except me. They’d had their dramatic, brooding moment in class, claiming they’re the villain, possibly dangerous.

Could the Maryams’ be vampires?

Well, they were something. Something confusing, potentially supernatural - overall unsettling, or they’d really done their homework on proper manners, and how to act like they belonged in medieval England. Whether it be Equius’s cold ones or my own superhero theory, Eridan was… not human, but instead something more. A fucking weirdo, for sure.

So then - maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.

And then… the most important question of all, which made my head practically spin, and skin buzz. What was I going to do if it was true?

If Eridan… was a vampire - I could hardly think up that sentence without gagging, it was fucking ridiculous - then what should I do?

Involving someone else was definitely out. I couldn't even believe myself; anyone I told would have me sent back to the psych ward, and possibly into the straight jacket.

Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take their advice: to be smart, to avoid them as much as possible. To cancel our plans, to go back to ignoring them as far as I was able. To pretend there was an impenetrably thick glass wall between us in the one class where we were forced together. To tell them to leave me alone... and mean it this time.

I felt sick instantly thinking of it, my mind flashing to their grin - their genuine curiosity over my brother, the witty comments, the  _ hair _ , the glossy lips, I couldn’t do that, and absolutely refused to consider it.

I moved right away to the next option, and it already seemed much, much better.

I could do nothing different. After all, if they were something… sinister, they’d done nothing to hurt me so far. Other… then, well, fry my brain with their strange dialect, and accent. I wasn’t innocent - my lisp was a strange case, but theirs reeked of travel, an amalgamation of everything an accent shouldn’t be. It was maddening.

Aside from that, the simple fact was… I’d be limping around in a cast if they hadn’t acted so quickly, and likely only would’ve received two signatures. They’d reacted impossibly quickly. So quickly, I argued with myself, that it might have been sheer reflexes. But… if it was an instinctual reflex to catch falling people - possibly even save lives, how bad… could they be.

My head spun around in answerless circles, energy sparking off of my tense limbs, and jaw clenched.

There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The… artificial Eridan in my dream last night was a reflection of what Equius had told me - from the basic vampire lore... enhanced senses, I still, deep down, longed to be with Eridan, whatever they were. The realization made me sick, formed bile in my gut, but no other answer had struck me as quickly… other than the simple fact that whatever Eridan was, whatever they’d choose, I’d aimlessly follow, and even offer my life.

And I knew that I had my answer. I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really, as pathetic as it was. I could play it off as them being attractive, them being hot as fuck, but there was… one, simple, straight-foward answer that cut like a knife. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew… or felt like I did - anyways, I could do nothing about my… their fucking secret. Because when I thought of them, of their voice, their golden, then copper, then black, and then golden eyes, the magnetic force of their personality, I wanted fucking nothing more than to be with them right now. Even if they’d harm me, or press their large, dagger fangs into my neck, and drain me clean. I wanted only them, and the simple thought of them put my racing mind at ease. But... I couldn't think of it. Not here, on laying back on my bed. Not while the rain suddenly hit at my window, and the sky began to darken, the thick collection of forest making the sky seem as dark as twilight… at least from where I laid.

But the sky managed to poke through, the obnoxious blue quickly overpowering the fog, and within twenty minutes, I heard my aunt get up, and head downstairs. I considered joining her, but I was hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion, pure laziness, now that my mind had been settled… for the most part.

  
  


It was just noon when I woke up, to the sound of the front door opening, and closing shut. I didn’t bother showering, instead simply getting dressed for the day, jeans and a t-shirt that actually fit, since I was staying indoors. It didn't take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft contentedly, more serene than I'd felt since… well, since Thursday afternoon, if I was being honest.

That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful part for me, the part I agonized over. But once the decision was made, I simply followed through, usually with relief that the choice was made. Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks. But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives.

This decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy.

Eridan’s dimpled smile instantly came into mind, and I easily remembered why it was so easy.

  
  


The day was generally productive. I finished my paper before four, and helped my aunt make dinner and clean around the house, while she caught up on her work. My uncle came home with Nepeta, both carrying large catches on their sides, and I made a mental note to stop by the store and pick up packs of ramen - I despised fish, with every ounce of my being, and refused to eat it. That didn’t stop my uncle from planting one on my pillow, and chuckling loudly the moment he heard my admittedly high-pitched scre- squeal.

I slept dreamlessly that night, likely the result of the lack of sleep the night prior, and being busy practically all day. I woke up rather early, to an actual… genuinely bright sky, and didn’t bother hiding the grin that turned to a frown when I’d realized this confirmed that Eridan wouldn’t be around today. I felt pessimistic, it was a nice day, honestly! Even when I opened my window, the air felt clean, full of happiness and calm, but I exhaled once, and shut my window closed once again.

My aunt was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and she gave me a judging glace, mostly because of my hoodie. She didn’t comment though, instantly picking up on my bitter mood, and giving a sympathetic smile.

“Nice day out, no?”

“You could say that.”

Her green eyes crinkled with concern, but she walked over to me, leaning down just a bit, and ruffling my hair affectionately.

“It’s warm out, diviertete.”

Her accent was thick, and I found myself smiling at it, mainly from the energy she managed to give off. When my aunt smiled, it was rather easy to see why her and my uncle had jumped into an early marriage. She was a hopeless romantic, making a career out of romance novels, and even behind the brown curls with streaks of gray - a looser texture than mine, for sure - her youthful glow and attitude still remained, incredibly cheerful, and always brightening the moods of others. It was sometimes obnoxious, but she always meant well, and even if you were annoyed, you couldn’t help but just smile.

“Okay.”

She seemed satisfied at that, giving a hum in response, before turning back to the breakfast.

I ate breakfast slowly, examining every single inch of the meticulously clean house, trying to find a single dust particle, and sighing when I spotted none. I tried coming up with excuses to stay home, but they’d never fly, and I’d have nothing to do at home.

As I walked out alongside Karkat and Nepeta, my aunt called out a goodbye, and I heard the front door lock behind us.

Karkat insisted on rolling down the windows, wanting to feel the air, which slowed us down for a few moments as he gathered the strength to manually do so, but even then it didn’t matter. We were one of the firsts at school; I hadn’t even checked the time in my reluctance to go outside. We parked and headed towards the empty benches alongside the cafeteria, and I took off my hoodie, actually rather happy to have some sort of use for it. The benches were still a little damp, so I sat on my jacket. My homework was done, for once, the product of a slow social life. But, there were a few Trig problems I wasn't sure I had right. I took out my book industriously, but halfway through rechecking the first problem I was daydreaming, watching the sunlight play on the red-barked trees. I sketched inattentively along the margins of my homework. After a few minutes, I suddenly realized I'd drawn five lines of code, strange messages in ones and zeros in between equations, and I quickly turned my pencil to erase them.

"Sollux!" I cringed at Feferi’s voice, the shrill squeakiness of it cutting through silence like nails on a chalkboard.

I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there,

absentminded. Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty. Feferi was wearing a tank-top that likely went against the school’s rules, alongside a pair of shorts, but she didn’t seem to care.

“Hey, FF.” 

I mumbled quietly, unable to fake excitement, or joy. I wasn’t in the mood.

She took a seat beside me without even asking, resting her head on my shoulder, and looking down at my worksheet. Her hair reeked of strawberry, thick curls getting in between my range of sight, and I resisted the urge to break into coughs.

“Huh… I actually never noticed, you have muscles!”

I noticed oh too slowly, and she was suddenly holding up my arm, tracing alongside it’s structure with a manicured nail, as I simply… cringed.

“Everyone does.”

I quickly grew uncomfortable as she intertwined her fingers between mine for a split second, waving them around playfully, before I pulled away.

"Great day, isn't it?"

“Sure.”

"What did you do yesterday?" 

Her tone was excited, too excited, as if she couldn’t wait to get past the small-talk.

"I mostly worked on my essay. Managed to get it done.”

She raised a brow at me, before making an ‘o’ shape with her mouth, and huffing.

“That’s due Thursday, isn’t it?”

"Um, Wednesday, I think."

"Wednesday?" She frowned. "That's no good… What are you writing yours on?"

"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."

She stared at me for a few seconds, possibly deflated, or in awe. It was a bit hard to decipher, and I didn’t care.

"I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight," she said, sounding genuinely bummed. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out."

"Oh." I was taken off guard. Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant conversation with Feferi anymore without her making it awkward?

"Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later." 

She smiled at me hopefully, and reached for my hand once again.

"FF…” I pulled away instantly, digging it into my pocket, and leaning back. “No.”

Her face fell, and she mumbled a simple “Why?”, though her eyes looked intense. My mind fell onto Eridan, and a part of me wondered if hers did as well.

“Were you born backwards? Nepeta has a thing for you, and I’m not going to ruin my cousin’s game.”

She listened, and then made a shocked expression, opening her mouth, and then closing, and then opening. 

"Nepeta...?"

I fought the urge to face-palm, or strangle her to death.

“Are you blind?”

"Oh," 

She exhaled - clearly dazed. I took advantage of that to make my escape.

"I’m going to turn in some shit." I gathered my books up and stuffed them in my bag.

We walked in utter silence to building three, and I enjoyed it more than I should’ve. Feferi seemed deep in thought, and I honestly hoped she was planning to go for Nepeta, and stop asking me over it.

When I saw Karkat in class, he seemed to be genuinely happy. He, Dave, and John were going to Port Angeles tonight to go suit shopping for the dance, and he wanted me to come, too, even though I didn't need one. I wasn’t sure if it was a way to mock me, I’d refuse and they’d laugh at my antisocial traits, or it was a genuine offer. It would be nice to get out of town with some friends, but Dave would be there, and he and Karkat were always either best bros, or at each other's throats.

...And who knew what I could be doing tonight, or  _ who _ … But that was definitely the wrong path to let my mind wander down. Of course I was practically waiting for my chance to pounce at Eridan, and my plans for today had been meddled with by mother nature.

I gave him a maybe, and took a seat, trying to clear my head and stuff it with equations, instead of thoughts revolving around red hair, and golden eyes.

They talked about nothing but the dance all throughout class, which managed to catch me by surprise. I half expected Karkat to divert towards more ‘masculine’ topics, he’d done it before to impress Terezi, but for now he seemed genuinely comfortable within this friend group, and that made me feel a little happier, admittedly. John planned to sing, along with Karkat, as they’d both been forming their own garage “punk” bands, and the school could get away with paying them much less, compared to an actual… professional musician.

We made our way to lunch, and I felt my stomach turn - would Eridan suddenly be there, appear out of thin air and beckon me towards them?

It was routine by now, and I glanced over to their table, frowning just a bit deeper when I noticed it was empty, and it wasn’t there. The conversation had made us all late, and there was no way they’d come after us - we were the last few able to be served, and even then, we only had a few minutes until our next period.

I walked behind Karkat, trying my best to pay attention to his own discussions, and clear my own head.

We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I avoided the empty chair next to Feferi in favor of the one beside John. I vaguely noticed that Feferi held the chair out politely for Nepeta, and that her face lit up in response. If she had a tail, it would’ve been wagging right then.

John asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could, while trying to not be so snappy over any wrong thing he’d say. He, too, invited me to go with them tonight, and I agreed now, mainly because it was something better than staring at the ceiling, in bed.

I was numb to it by Biology, or so I thought. It stung a little, being alone all class, but it was fine.

The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court. The best part was the coach didn't finish, so I got another day off tomorrow. Sure, the day after would be d-day, but I should be able to fake a doctor’s note within one day, if needed.

Leaving campus was more exciting than I’d expected, the fresh air a welcome slap to the face, and I found myself genuinely excited for our trip tonight. However, as I took a step inside of the house, Dave quickly called and cancelled our trip, saying his older brother had gone to a convention for the day, and taken the car, and the shared family wallet. It was set for tomorrow, which resigned me to a day of moping.

My aunt was handling dinner tonight - fully aware of my total disgust towards any seafood, so I snuck into the kitchen when the smell wasn’t as bad, and prepared myself a cup of noodles, before heading upstairs. They were plain, rather depressing, but tasted good on an empty stomach, though I practically dropped them when I opened my lap-top, and read my notification bar.

As if her chumhandle wasn’t obvious enough, Aradia had finally seen my e-mail and added me, and every single one of her messages grew snappier by the second. My hands were quite literally shaking as I set the soup aside, and started typing frantically. 

**AA: hell0**

**AA: this t00k far t00 l0ng t0 d0wnl0ad 0nt0 my c0mputer**

**AA: maybe because y0u 0nly think ab0ut y0ur 0wn upgraded devices**

**AA: but thats 0kay. its d0wnl0aded n0w. are y0u 0nline?**

**AA: 0r am i g0ing t0 talk t0 myself until y0u finally decide t0 get 0n**

**AA: im actually rather fine with that. i can keep myself entertained and make the upm0st fr0g n0ises until y0u decide t0 j0in me.**

**AA: ribbit s0llux. ribbit. d0 y0u see? i can c0ntr0l all 0f the singular fr0g n0ises and when y0u return all y0u will hear will be a vast ch0rus 0f all fr0gs fr0m all singular timelines multiplying and ribbiting t0wards y0u.**

**AA: 0ne.**

**AA: by.**

**AA: 0ne.**

**AA: this is starting t0 get b0ring. d0 y0u want me t0 keysmash? i can d0 that as well.**

**AA: blah B00P BEEP bleh uirjfsdjkfdgkjd040940%$^ &#*39w0m dv,cv.v/.////dndskjmsc ckfgv0ribbitb kfvb90vc4edbleeeehehehehehehehe**

**AA: //////////////////////////////////////////**

**AA://////////////**

**AA:///////////**

You’re only a quarter through her messages, and while they’re hilarious, you’re much happier with responding to her. You skip all the way down, and start typing. She instantly comes online.

**TA: calm the fuck down aa. ii know you mii22ed me, but damn.**

**AA: n0pe. n0w y0u're g0ing t0 be ign0red f0r thrice as l0ng as y0u ign0red me. n0t even twice, s0llux. y0u d0n't deserve that.**

**TA: you'd go a2 far a2 thriice two hurt me aa? ii am actually appalled, ii thought we were genuiine friiend2. ii 2uppo2e not though, and whiile you iignore me, ii'll quiietly 2tare at the wall, wonderiing whiich brunette would let me tell her about the dude ii liike, or all the drama ii've managed two cau2e. you're riight. ii don't de2erve twiice, nor thriice. iignore me forever, faiir maiiden.**

**AA: w0ah w0ah w0ah**

**AA: guy?**

**AA: drama?**

**AA: s0llux what the fuck did y0u d0 n0w**

**TA: ehehehehehehe**

**TA: nothiing actually, iim ju2t actually a fuckiing iidiiot that can’t manage to functiion properly for the liife of me.**

**TA: ii mean ii liike a per2on and they’re 2howiing iintere2t but all ii'm goiing two do ii2 fiigure out way2 and rea2on2 why we could never be a thiing and ii have way two many optiion2 two choo2e from but ii 2tiill want them, but not nearly enough two go on and get them.**

**AA: what reas0ns?**

**TA: be2iide2 the poiint.**

**AA: 0kay, s0 if it d0esn’t matter just g0 f0r it?**

**TA: iit doe2 matter! a lot, actually, but they’re ju2t a2 compliicated a2 ii am, iif not wor2e. and they’re cute, aa. they’re genuiinely cute, but a fuckiing a22hole, and ii want two melt iinto thii2 bed and never thiink of iit all agaiin.**

**AA: y0u p00r thing :(**

I spent practically, no - literal hours talking to Aradia, listening to her genuine advice, and comments on the whole situation, even when the vague information I’d given. Even after the topic of Eridan passed, she asked about my life here, and I asked about hers, and we kept each other busy for what felt like ages. I already felt better just listening to her, even if it was through text, and I gave a reluctant bye when my aunt called me down for dinner, even though Aradia had to go finish her schoolwork as well.

My aunt had made me spaghetti, because I had the literal palate of a child, and I ate as far away from them all as I could, while still staying on the dining table. 

I washed the dishes for everyone else after dinner, making small talk with Karkat about our future trip as he packed away the groceries his dad had brought home.

“So, you’re really not going?”

“I don’t know, dances aren’t really my thing.”

“You sure? We’re all going to hang out, man.”

“I’m sure.”

I gave a small smile to prove my point, and while Karkat seemed somewhat sympathetic he had no choice but to agree with it, finishing up, and mumbling a ‘goodnight’ as I dried up the last plate, and he headed upstairs.

I fell asleep rather quickly, actually drained from a day of socializing, and while I obviously thought of Eridan, it wasn’t enough to keep me up late, and anxious.

When I woke up, it was still sunny, and I found myself suppressing a groan, instead trying to keep a positive attitude. I dressed in a t-shirt and jacket, not caring for the weather, even at its warmest, Forks was always a good 70, or below.

We made it to school late, only having enough time to just barely arrive at our classes, but I managed to arrive just before the bell rang, taking my seat, and taking a breath.

I was bummed that Eridan wasn’t here today as well, and a bit bummed for their poor calves - two days of straight hiking couldn’t be easy on little legs.

On the brighter side of things, the Port Angeles scheme was back on again for tonight and made all the more attractive by the fact that Dave had other obligations, something about his brother’s toys needing to be picked up from the dry cleaners. I was somewhat anxious to get out of town, but I couldn’t help but occasionally look over my shoulder, half expecting a smile, and golden eyes. I was going to listen to Aradia, for once, and be a good, positive boy - at least for Karkat and John’s sake.

I considered clothes shopping myself, with Eridan. They seemed to have a good eye for fashion, and it’d be quite endearing to let them use me as a personal dress-up doll, though I’d complain the entire time, just to watch them fuss up and priss.

After school, Nepeta took a ride with Equius to the reservation, and Karkat and I followed John’s car home, before John joined us, and we made our way towards the Port. I felt excited, as dumb as it all was, and as we drove outside of the town limits, I fought the urge to snap a picture of the forests for Aradia, knowing fully well I’d drag her down here to see them eventually.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am horrible at PesterLogs. I'm so sorry.


	8. Port Angeles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hints at/mentions some shit that could be triggering (mainly murder/sexual assault), tried to keep it faint and more 'rushed' because I really had no idea how to write it, and, well, yeah.

Karkat, being the Chief’s son, felt some sort of entitlement to the roads, and drove as if he was the one in the cop car - as a result, we made it to Port Angeles by four, and we had a few more than five hours to shop, and get home. Usually, I’d complain, but I felt somewhat confident about the outing. Aradia had given me a pep-talk about it all, encouraging me to at the very least try on a few outfits, even if I wasn’t going to buy any; and besides, it was a guy’s night out, and I hadn’t had one of those since my eighth birthday at the run-down Chuck E. Cheese.  
John gave us a demo of one of his band’s future C.Ds, a classic thrashing and head-banging teen angst anthem with whiny vocals, but it wasn’t bad by any means.

We listened to Karkat rant about typically stupid bull-shit, the most prevalent being Terezi. They were at a plateau in their relationship, not really arguing as much, but not talking either. He let it slip that Nepeta’s date with Feferi had gone very well, and I was genuinely caught by surprise at that.  
Feferi hadn’t told me about it, but I felt a sense of pride towards it all. According to Nepeta, she was sure they’d reach the first-kiss stage by the second date.

John… was the victim of Karkat’s hopeless romantic tendencies, the single thing he inherited from his mother, and seemed visibly agitated as Karkat grilled him about who he was going to take to the dance, what his type even was. It was entertaining at first, but after a few minutes of it, I thought out-loud on whether or not a red or blue tuxedo would look better, and John shot me a grateful glance.

I’d been to Port Angeles before, with Aradia, mainly because of the few… rustic buildings she adored. It’d been upgraded with time, and boasted a much more modern look, aiming to be a tourist trap. It definitely worked - the port was very active and popular, especially within the crowd of eager middle-schoolers, but we all knew our way around it, so we wasted no time on the boardwalk by the bay, and instead parked in front of a local department store. The dance was labelled as ‘semi-formal,’ but John and Karkat wanted to go the extra mile, if not only to get on stage, and embarrass themselves.  
Karkat made a witty comment at one of my… admittedly, most embarrassing facts - I’d never been to a dance. John seemed surprised at it, raising a brow towards me, as if he himself couldn’t believe it.

“Didn’t you have a girlfriend?”

“Dances weren’t her thing, we usually stayed at her house.”

“So… I guess dances are Tavros’s thing then, huh. He didn’t seem like the type!”

I gave a chuckle, nodding, before realizing what exactly that implied, and stopping right where I stood and raising a brow at John.

“What?”

“Vriska told everybody you and Tavros had a thing, aren’t you literally taking him to the dance? It’s why she doesn’t like you.”

I went to give a snarky reply - ask John if he’d eaten a brain tumor for breakfast, but Karkat quickly responded.

“That’s obviously not the fucking case, Egbert. I already told you - Sollux and Tavros have no chemistry, and Vriska is just a jealous bitch.”

“Well, it sounded true.”

John sounded a bit dejected, as if he really believed it, and for a second, I wondered if cloudy skies depleted brain-cells.

“Thith it-is literally ridiculous. I like none of these people, and they’re entirely obsessed with me.”

“I mean… you are really tall, and… tan, you look kind of exotic,”

John responded, trying to lighten my mood, and I rolled my eyes while looking forward, starting to walk ahead. Karkat gave him an incredulous look, and John seemed confused.

“What? I’m being honest!”

“John, that’s fucking racist.”

I ignored the ensuing argument - mostly because I didn’t care, and once we entered the shop they both shut up, going their own way to look for outfits they liked. Karkat was into the look of a single black dress shirt and a red tie, while John opted for an obnoxiously bright blue tux, and I found myself losing any ounce of a shit I gave with every passing second.  
I gave Karkat advice on his outfit; switch the black shirt for velvet red, and the red tie for black. With a pair of black jeans and a leather belt, it’d look great - and encouraged John’s ridiculous choice. I didn’t personally like it at all, but why not play up the eyes? If not only to give myself something to do other than staring at mannequins, I brought the rejects back to the rack, and we carried on to shoes, and possible accessories.

It was certainly easier than shopping with my parents, who’d insisted on buying me childish clothes themed around shit I was into years ago, and would get carried away with sales. This was fast, easy, and simple. Once they got the second opinion they were set, and ready to go.

They easily settled into trying on the seemingly same pairs of black dress shoes, and just looking at them dote over the “different” details of the same exact carbon copy of each pair gave me a headache, so I sat down on one of the conveniently placed benches, and tried relaxing. I felt the excitement of the outing wear off - I was stressed about the Vriska situation, and for once, my mind wasn’t on Eridan, but instead on the hundreds of other growing problems I’d put aside to focus on them.

I’d somehow found myself in the middle of a love triangle, one I genuinely did not care for, whatsoever. I thought of how to tell Vriska to get her head out of her ass in a polite way, but settled on purely ignoring it - I was a weenie, admittedly, and she seemed pretty weird to even come up with that crap.

My thought process was interrupted by Karkat, who wanted to know if black or brown dress shoes looked better with his outfit. I found myself ignoring everything he was saying, instead snapping my head up once he closed his mouth, and looking down.

“Black.”

He twisted his ankle a bit, examining them himself, before making a satisfied expression, and moving to take them off.

“I might as well get them, Dads’ on my ass for not having shoes for church, and these go with fucking everything.”

“They’re nice, and they’re on sale.”

The shoes were actually rather nice, plain and simple. The sale seemed to be the last push Karkat needed, and he set the lid on the box of the brown shoes, before beginning to set the black shoes into their own box.

“So, er-”

“Yeah?”

Karkat looked up curiously at me, brows furrowed, but face relaxed. He seemed to be in a good enough mood today, and I had no reason to chicken out, so I didn’t.

“Is it normal for the Maryams’ to… always miss school?”

I didn’t bother looking down - it was obvious I was being weird, and Karkat stifled a laugh before quickly responding, no questions asked.

“Yeah, their dad is huge on them going out, hiking, soaking up the sun when they can’t. The teachers fucking love them, so they just get their shit sent home when they hear the weather will be nice, and bring it in when they’re done with their stupid trails.”

“Damn.”

I was grateful for Karkat’s response - definitely snarky, but it was straight-forward, and he didn’t bother asking questions of it all. I shuddered at the thought of the amount of questions Nepeta would have asked, or even John. Not to mention Feferi or Tavros’s condescending glares… I was lucky to have Karkat, at least in this aspect.

He was still a bitch, most of the time.

The subject was dropped just in time for John to rush over and show us the shoes he’d found. Off-white loafers that screamed “loud,” and while they definitely… suited him, Karkat found more than one way to creatively insult them. John held his ground over the shoes - they were unique, and I definitely agreed.

We planned to go to dinner after the shopping, but it’d taken way quicker than we expected, so Karkat and John decided to stop by a couple of stores, and I decided to go to one of Aradia’s favorite bookstores. It was relatively tiny, but covered with topics generally not allowed in public, child-friendly bookstores; mortuary sciences, the taboo, the disgusting parts of life. Aside from my very obvious reason to go to it, I also genuinely enjoyed their selections of books - it didn’t stray from the wrong, and while I hated reading, I found myself becoming pre-occupied for hours amongst piles of books that covered siamese twins, birth deformities - anything that’d make me wonder for days on end what the fuck the human species was.

Long story short, it was something I preferred to do alone, lest Karkat clutch his pearls, and act terrified. 

So when they offered to tag along, I quickly declined, encouraging them to go on and buy their own things. I’d brought my own money, and I functioned better on my own regardless. I could focus on my own needs and what I enjoyed, and not worry if I was annoying somebody. John and Karkat accepted this quickly, though Karkat made sure to point out the way for me, as I hadn’t been in town for a long while. They walked off to Karkat’s truck, and I headed towards the direction I’d been told to go to.

I found the bookstore with little difficulty, but after a few moments of staring outside of it, I noticed it’d changed entirely. Though it was likely to do with the town being remodeled as a whole, I was more than a little annoyed by it. The windows that once held taxidermy and skulls were chock-full of crystals, jewels, dream-catchers, you name it. The books that were held front and center seemed to be about spiritual healing rather than morbidology, and I considered still going inside, until I noticed the lady at the front desk. She seemed to be in her sixties, or even older, long wavy hair parted straight down the middle and worn down, alongside a bright dress with patterns I couldn’t understand. On her face was a dopey smile, and with much sadness, I decided this was a conversation I could skip. There had to be a decent bookstore in town that didn’t cater to little kids… or hippies, somewhere.

I walked through the streets, noticing how they’d quickly filled with end-of-workday traffic, and quietly hoped I was heading back to where the restaurant was. I didn’t pay much attention to where I was going, admittedly - my head was full of bullshit. Specifically what Karkat had said, and them, precisely. I tried to not think of it, but it was easier said than done when their simple existence clouded over me like despair so thick, it’d blind you. I felt blind to the world, to anything but them, and I was generally hot-headed, stubborn, sarcastic… not the person this’d happen to. It was ridiculous, so fucking stupidly ridiculous how they’d wormed their way into my being and I didn’t even know if they had a middle name, or their birthday. And even then, when I did try to ignore them… focus on the positives, try to be excited about the restaurant and look up, I’d spot a silver Volvo parked outside of a repair shop, and it’d all creep back up onto me again.

They were stupid, an honest regret. I silently wished I’d dropped the Biology class the first day, paid them no mind - ignored them, until they disappeared. Stupid, unreliable vampire - couldn’t even stay out on a hiking trip with their fucking family, in favor of fixing their prissy little car.

But even then, that likely wasn’t their car, and I was being the weirdo by staring at it, cursing their very own existence. I knew nothing of them, yet I wanted, and despised them. I was a fucking mess, and all they’d done was given me a smile.

I scoffed at my own thoughts; they were equally guilty in this situation, and walked off in a direction that seemed to be south, towards shops that seemed a little more old-fashioned. They were much more promising, but when I reached them, they were a simple day-care, and vacant lot. I debated walking back empty-handed, but I still had too much time to go and interrupt John and Karkat… and I needed to get my emotions in check before I exiled them to dinner with me.  
I dug my hands into the pocket of my jeans, fumbling with the torn lining inside of them, and turned round the corner, continuing on.

It took a few minutes, or longer, to realize I was going the wrong direction. Traffic ceased the further I went, a big difference from how packed the main port should have been, and the streets began to line with miles of warehouses, and run-down apartment complexes. I didn’t bother taking in the scenery, instead taking a swift turn, walking amongst a round-about, and then turned and went east, towards a street that I hoped would take me back to the boardwalk.  
A group of four… maybe five men turned around the corner I was heading for, dressed far too casually to be coming home from the office, but way too fucking grimy to be heading to the port. They seemed to be locals, and I considered politely asking them for directions, and seeing if they’d do me the biggest favor and press a shiny pistol to my temple, and press the trigger.

One could dream.

They were laughing amongst themselves, punching each other’s arms, seeming like good bros, and I didn’t pass them a second glance, mostly out of respect, and common sense. I scooted as far as I could to the inside of the side-walk, giving them room but not trying to be hostile, as they seemed to be around my age.

I heard one of them yell out a “Hey,” as I walked past, and I instinctually gave a wave towards them, before continuing to walk, keeping my head forward, and back hunched forward. My legs were starting to ache, and I wanted to get back to the boardwalk, and sit down.  
I didn’t bother listening to their other words, but continued walking, subtly speeding up my pace when I heard steps behind me.  
I walked past an alley-way, and had enough common sense to not waltz straight into it, but did give a single glance towards it, practically freezing in my steps. 

A girl laid in the middle of it all, nothing being used to hide her battered body, or her bruised limbs. I didn’t notice if she was even breathing, only noticing the puddle beside her, her matted blonde hair, and the remains of her clothes still attached to her body. What seemed to be a crowbar laid before her head, with a chunk of… God knows what was hanging off from it, and not one, but two, no, four, possibly six different footsteps going towards her body, and then away from it, until they entirely faded right where I was standing. 

It didn’t take a genius to realize what had taken place, and it didn’t take a genius to run the fuck away.

I’ve never been a genius.

I didn’t move until I heard a sigh from behind me, and the same voice that had greeted me just moments prior. Only - I quickly realized that wasn’t a greeting, but a warning.

“We fucking told you not to come back here, didn’t we now?”

A chorus of agreeing noises ensued, and I felt myself rolling my eyes, even throughout the slight fear that coursed through my veins.

“My bad.”

I felt my voice stutter, and felt embarrassed, but didn’t bother dwelling on it, instead talking a small breath, and running the fuck out of there. Or, at least, I tried.  
My legs were definitely rather sore, but I had a good five feet of distance between myself and the men screaming various types of colorful insults over every part of my appearance, and even the stutter. It was fucking stupid, and just my luck - the streets were empty. I’d die here, and the last I’d hear would be “...stuttering bitch,”. I slowed down as I grew lost in my own self-loathing thoughts, but quickly sped up the moment a rogue bullet hit the ground beside my shoes, not even noticing they’d had guns on them. I felt a slight inch of relief when I noticed that this was in fact the way back to the boardwalk, but the anxiety crept back as I noticed the streets were definitely emptier than before, and growing darker by the second. 

Pay no mind the gun shooting at my feet and the men racing after me as if their life depended on it, I was worried about the dark.

In fact, as I pushed myself to run faster, I felt as if this situation was an entire mockery of my existence, and silently wondered why they hadn’t fucked off, though it’d likely only been seconds. I instinctually yelled out a “Fuck off,” before noticing the silver Volvo that was parked outside of the mechanic now at the very corner of the vacant lot I’d come across, and didn’t question it, instead making a beeline towards it, giving a single bang against the tinted windows, and then opening the passenger door, and practically jumping in.

I slammed the door behind me, leaning back against the seat and taking deep breaths, trying to relax.

An obnoxious accent, and shrill voice interrupted that.

“W-What the hell?”

“They have a gun,”

I was struggling to catch my breath, and swore I’d heard a kick against the passenger door. One huff from Eridan later, and a peek towards my window, confirmed the fact that they were now catching up to the car, though the one I was sure had a gun was still behind.

“Put on your seat-belt.”

They didn’t seem annoyed, instead resting their elbows against the steering wheel, and rubbing at their temples. They took a long, exaggerated, breath, not bothering to react to the growing group around their car.

“They have a fucking gun.”

I emphasized my words, genuinely wondering if they were suicidal, and Eridan only scoffed, as if I had said the stupidest thing in the world.

“So do I. Put on the seat-belt.”

“You put on your theat-belt.”

I cringed at the lisp, but Eridan only shrugged, before revving their engine, and backing up just in time to just swiftly miss hitting the one that had decided to kick at their tail-light, though it did no damage. That didn’t seem to deter them, and Eridan only groaned, looking down to mark the page on the book they were reading, and tossing it to the backseat.

“You are ridiculous, Sollux Captor.”

They sounded genuinely amused by all of this, and both their hands gripped at the steering wheel, quickly driving forward, towards the direction of who I assumed was the main leader of this shit, and practically cornered him to the wall of a warehouse, almost pinning and crushing him, and then… taking a swift turn, and driving off in the direction of the boardwalk, speeding up with each second.

I didn’t bother looking back, instead leaning back, trying to catch my breath. Within a few minutes, Eridan had already turned down their radio just a bit, and I finally noticed that music was even playing. I glanced at the radio, and gave a loud groan.

“Yes?”

“Do not fucking tell me you were listening to Britney during all of that.”

“W-”

“Seriously, do not. I need to find a reason not to hate you, and that doesn’t help your case. And fucking “Oops, I Did It Again,” out of all songs? Why did I jump into your car - I should’ve literally let them kill me, instead of finding out this shit.”

It was a joke, honestly, but Eridan didn’t take to it, instead gripping at their steering wheel, and taking a small breath.

“They w-were actually goin’ to kill you, Sol’.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured out that much.”

“W-What did you ev-ven do?”

Eridan’s voice sounded miserable, drawn out in a groan, as if they were tired. As if this affected them personally.

“I don’t know, I just saw some dead girl in an alley-way with her clothes off, and they got mad.”

“You just… w-walked in on a murder, an’ expected to casually w-waltz away?”

“Well, I-”

“An’ you’re focused on the type a’ music I w-was listenin’ to?”

Eridan’s voice caught me by surprise, actually loud, and genuinely… terrifying. It had a commanding aura about it, angry, and strict, as if trying to scold me. I genuinely felt bad for making a joke, which was odd for me.

“Er-”

“Did they hurt you?”

“No, I-”

“Distract me.”

“Wha-”

Eridan pinched the bridge of their nose, and exhaled.

“Just prattle about somethin’ unimportant until I calm dow-wn, please.”

Their voice sounded calmer, but still tense, so I didn’t dare question it, instead picking at my nails, while occasionally giving glances at their nails, and how they were practically tearing into the leather that covered their steering wheel.

“Uh… I’m probably going to body-slam Vriska tomorrow?”

Their eyes flickered towards mine for a fraction of a second, and then flashed back towards the road. They were nearing seventy miles per hour, and seemed stiff, a scowl on their face.

“W-Why?”

“She’s… she’s saying I’m taking Tavros to the dance, I guess to get his attention. Trying to shove me into some relationship drama I don’t care about, and I don’t want to hurt Tavros’s feelings, but I don’t want to be in the middle of this shit.”

“I heard a’ that.”

They sounded a little calmer, but still tense.

“You did? Well, probably everybody did, if the bitch wanted attention. I’ll figure out what to do with her, eventually.”

Eridan finally moved, only giving a simple nod in my direction, before exhaling. I felt worried - they’d been reading a book, listening to music, and I dragged them into this shit. I wanted to apologize, but didn’t know how to go about it, so postponed it.

“You okay?”

“Not really.”

They didn’t continue, instead pulling into the parking lot of some store, and parking at the very end. I looked at them curiously - though there was really nothing else to look at in the car, and they leaned back against their seat, seeming a little… too short for it. I noticed it was pushed forward to accommodate their height, and suppressed a chuckle.

“Want to talk about it?”

Normally, I would have asked for the ride to the restaurant and let that be the end of it. However, this situation was different, for many reasons. One, I actually somewhat liked the person involved. Two, I dragged them into it. Three, Aradia had told me to try being friendly, and more open. Easier to talk to, if you will. So, I had no choice but to ask.

“I… usually hav-ve a problem w-with my temper, Sol’.”

Eridan’s voice was small now, but full of warning. Their eyes were now wide, staring out, seemingly trying to focus on something - anything.

“But, I’m tryin’ to conv-vince myself it w-wouldn’t be helpful for me to go back, an’ hun- shoot, those…”

They took a breath, trying to compose themselves.

“At least, it’s w-what I’ll hav-ve to conv-vince myself.”

“Oh.”

My response seemed stupid, but there wasn’t much I could say to that, and Eridan didn’t seem in the mood for light conversation. So, we sat in silence for what felt like hours, until I finally glanced at the clock, and noticed it was six thirty.

“Fuck,”

Eridan opened one eye, glancing up at me, and raising a brow. It was slightly endearing, in a stupid way.

“KK and John are going to be pissed, I should have met them by now,”

Without another word, Eridan opened both their eyes and sat up straight, reaching to turn on the engine, and then backed out of the parking space smoothly, driving off. We reached the streetlights almost instantly, going far too fast for even my own comfort, but Eridan didn’t seem to care. We pulled up to the restaurant only minutes later, and they easily parallel parked against the curb. Karkat and John were outside, starting to walk off to Karkat’s truck, as he seemed to fumble with his keys, and phone.

“Is this the only Italian restaurant here?”

“Maybe.”

Eridan responded swiftly, before getting off, and closing the door behind them. I yanked off my own seat-belt, getting off as well, and looked at them with a raised brow as they fixed their coat in the side mirror, and fucked around with their scarf.

“Uh… what exactly are you doing?”

“Takin’ you out to dinner. Go tell your friends, so I don’t hav-ve to race after them too.”

Their voice seemed more calm than before, even bordering on playful, and I didn’t care enough to question it, because… honestly, they probably wouldn’t cheap out on food.  
I turned and yelled out after Karkat and John, noticing their faces light up when they spotted me, and then watching it shift to surprise when they came closer, and noticed who I was with.  
They didn’t get very close, standing a few feet away from the car, and looked me up and down.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I… got lost, and then ran into Eridan.”

It was honestly… pretty obvious that I was bull-shitting this, but Eridan quickly took the lead, walking to my side, and giving them both a dimpled smile.

“I w-was gettin’ my coolin’ fan checked out, an’ saw-w Sol’ w-wanderin’ around, so I gav-ve him a ride. Actually, is it alright if I join you all? I’ll pay.”

Not the best terminology, but Eridan’s voice was light and silk, soft around the edges, and it seemed to have an effect on both boys.

“Oh, well… we already ate, sorry,”

Karkat’s face was that of pure shock, giving me wide eyes, while John was flushed, and sheepish. It was hilarious to see, and then a bit disheartening when I realized I was in their shoes at first too.

“It’s cool, I’m not hungry.”

“I think you should eat, Sol.”

Their words were still drawn out, and I started suspecting it was a natural reflex, and not them trying to instantly flirt with everyone around them. Sure, it came off like it, but they seemed oblivious to everyone’s reactions.

“So, Karkat, do you mind if I driv-ve Sol’ home? That w-way, you don’t hav-ve to w-wait for him.”

“Uh…”

Karkat was still frozen, but after a few seconds, rolled his eyes, and held his hands up, as if in surrender.

“Fuck it, sure. You handle him.”

Eridan only smiled in response, seemingly satisfied, and Karkat and John quickly walked off. There were no fancy good-byes, and I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to live down the rumors this would inevitably produce. They’d be fine, but I would not.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Good for you. Humor me.”

Their expression was unreadable, and they kept their hands in the pockets of their coat, walking up to the door of the restaurant, and staring at it expectantly. After a few seconds, they turned, raised a brow towards me, and I experimentally reached over to hold the door open for them, to which they smiled. There would obviously be no further discussion, and after they stepped in, I followed with a sigh.

The restaurant wasn’t very packed - it wasn’t the real attraction season for Port Angeles yet, and it comforted me a bit to know there wouldn’t be a big crowd judging me, or my da- company. Though, they’d likely only judge me. The host was male, a bit shorter than me, and stalkier, with swept back straight, black hair. He gave one glance towards Eridan, and I quickly understood the look - though, I couldn’t help but bite back the inkling of a possessive feeling when he talked warmly to them, and eyed me as if I was the newest, flavorless, sparkling water. Eridan didn’t seem to notice, instead turning to me with a small smile, and then back to the host.

“Table for tw-wo.”

Their voice did the weird drawling thing, and I was sure it wasn’t intentional, though the host obviously reacted to it, and cracked a grin at the space Eridan kept between us. No contact, enough room for Jesus.  
He led us to a decently big table in the middle of the crowded dining room, and I went to sit, but Eridan simply shook their head, so I stood up once again.

“W-Would it be possible…” Their voice drawled on once again as they glanced up at the host, and this was certainly intentional. “If w-we could hav-ve somethin’ more priv-vate?” Their voice was quiet now, and I kept my eyes aware for fear of sporting blotchy patches along my exposed neck, but from the corner of my eye, their hand raised, and it seemed as though they’d smoothly handed the host a tip.

“Okay.”

He seemed just as shocked as I did, but quickly led us farther into the restaurant, to where the private seating area was, a ring of booths covered by thin curtains - all of them empty. 

“How’s this?”

“Excellent.”

Eridan gave a dimpled grin, this time wider, and it almost seemed as if their skin shined against the lighting of the booth. The host only blinked, and then nodded quickly.

“Yeah, your… server will be out soon.”

I just stared at him, the poor fool walking away, before turning to Eridan, and shaking my head.

“You gotta stop doing that.”

“Excuse me?”

Eridan’s voice was innocent, as if they had no clue what I was going on about. Judging by the genuinely confused look on their face, I was sure they didn’t. They took their seat, and I followed.

“The smile. He’s gotta be in the bathroom right now with tissue dude, it isn’t fair.”

They tilted their head to the side, actually confused now, but didn’t question the last part.

“Um… okay, does the smile affect you?”

“Never.”

Right after, our server arrived, her face seemingly expectant. The host had definitely dished behind the scenes, and this new girl didn't look disappointed. She flipped a strand of short black hair behind one ear and smiled with unnecessary warmth.

"Hello. My name is Amber, and I'll be your server tonight. What can I get you to drink?" 

She didn’t spare me a second glance, instead staring right at Eridan.

They looked at me.

“Uh… a Coke?”

"Tw-wo Cokes," 

Eridan followed my words rather quickly.

"I'll be right back with that," 

She gave another smile, this time wider than the last, unnecessary. Eridan didn’t bother glancing towards her, instead looking at me.

"What?" 

I asked when she left. They didn’t respond quickly, instead examining me up and down, with only their eyes. It was impossibly hard to not grab them right then and there, but I resisted.

“Do you feel dizzy, cold, anxious, or have chest pains?”

“Should I?”

I raised a brow, and Eridan only grinned at my confused tone.

“I’m w-waitin’ for you to go into shock.”

They gave a crooked smile, genuinely radiating happiness, as if they hadn’t had their episode from earlier. It was… genuinely outstanding to me, how fast someone could change between emotions, but I figured that was the sole thing we had in common.

“Don’t count on it. I have repressed shit for years, almost dying is nothing.”

“Just the same, but, I w-will admit, it’d be nice to hav-ve some food in you. Do you parents feed you, Sollux?”

Their head crooked to the side, glancing at me, before resting their elbows on the table.  
Right on cue, the waitress appeared with our drinks and a basket of breadsticks. She stood with her back to me as she placed them on the table. I mumbled ‘bitch,’ under my breath, and reached for a breadstick, taking a small bite.

"Are you ready to order?" 

She asked Eridan, and they simply ignored her, turning to me.

“Sol’?”

I didn’t bother glancing at the menu, and instead picked the basic, favorite Italian meal.

“Spaghetti.”

"And you?" 

She wrote it down, seemingly annoyed, before turning to Eridan, a grin plastered on her face.

"Nothin’ for me," 

Of course not.

"Let me know if you change your mind." 

The coy smile was still in place, but Eridan didn’t bother looking back up at her, instead letting her walk off dissatisfied, and shoved the soda towards me.

"Drink.”

I always enjoyed soda, but didn’t feel thirsty this time around, until I took a sip. I promptly chugged the cup from the straw, while Eridan only stared at me with curious, golden eyes.  
However, I was an idiot, and the cold from the icy soda was radiating through my chest and brain. I shivered, and then cringed.

"Are you cold?"

"It's just the Coke," 

Eridan didn’t seem to believe me, instead giving me a concerned look.

"Don't you hav-ve a sw-weater?" 

"Yes." I looked at the empty bench next to me. "Oh, I left it in Karkat’s truck," I sighed, I’d be fine.

I was fine without a jacket, but when I looked up, Eridan was pulling out of their own jacket, and I quickly realized that I had never given much attention to what they wore - other than, well, they seemed to dress well. Tonight, they were wearing a simple, lilac patterned scarf, with a light beige oversized leather jacket, and a snug, white henley. It seemed to fit comfortably, but was big enough to where it didn’t emphasize any shape, instead simply coming off as baggy against their tiny frame.

They handed me the jacket, and as if they’d realized my thoughts concerning the size, they simply shook their head.

“It’ll fit, don’t w-worry. Rufioh just has better taste in these than I do.”

And true to their word, it did fit rather fine. Though it looked better on them, the soft insulated fabric inside of it felt nice against my cold skin. The jacket was still cold though, as if it’d just been taken out of a closet. The insulation helped though, and I noticed the jacket smelled… amazing. I inhaled quickly, trying to not come off as weird, while trying to identify the scent. It was lavender, but not, and vanilla, but not.

“Lighter colors look lov-vely against your skin.”

Eridan remarked suddenly, as if they’d been staring at me, and I felt myself instinctively flush, reaching up to fix my glasses, and clearing my throat.

They didn’t speak, instead gently pushing the bread basket towards me, and I happily obliged. Though I took one bite, and then chewed, and swallowed, before glancing at them.

“I’m not going to go into shock, if you’re worried about that.”

“I’m sure you w-won’t, but a normal person w-would. You don’t ev-ven seem bothered.”

In fact, Eridan seemed more bothered about that simple observation, than I did about the entire situation. It was a bit stupid, but I couldn’t help but feel like I couldn’t die, as long as Eridan was around. Their eyes met mine, staring deep into them, and I noticed their color - golden, a light butterscotch. Lighter than I’d ever seen, lighter than they’d ever been.

“I doubt you’d let me die, honestly. You’re dead-set on saving my ass.”

Eridan gave a displeased expression, and they simply frowned, looking down.

“You’re makin’ this so complicated.”

The words were barely a whisper, but they cut like ice, and made way for silence. However, I decided to not let there be silence, and finished the breadstick, before reaching for another, and taking a bite.

“Are your eyes tied to your mood?”

“W-What?”

“I mean, usually you’re in a better mood when they’re lighter. When they’re darker, I expect you to be bitchy.”

Eridan seemed confused, and then stunned, but quickly shook their head, and smiled.

“More theories?”

“Fuck yeah,”

I chewed on the end of the bread, trying to come off as cool, unbothered about all of this.

“Hopefully you w-won’t say I w-was dropped into a v-vat a’ acid next.”

“Hey, I’m not the comic book know-it-all over here.”

Eridan held their hands up in surrender, chuckling at my words, before they quickly looked up, just in time for the door of the kitchen to open. The waitress stepped out with my food, and I realized we’d been leaning towards each other - I straightened myself, and after a few seconds, Eridan followed. She set the dish in front of me, and honestly… it was spaghetti, and then turned to Eridan.

"Did you change your mind?" she asked, trying to imitate how Eridan drew out their words. "Isn't there anything I can get you?" I felt as though I wasn’t imagining the double meaning in her words.

"Goodness, no, but some more soda w-would be nice." 

Eridan gestured towards the empty cup in front of me, just as I reached over for theirs.

"Sure." 

She picked up the empty glass and walked away.

"So… you w-were sayin’?"

“Later. But first,”

"There are conditions now-w?" 

They raised one brow, and I grinned in response.

“Sometimes a guy has some questions, ED.”

"Of course."

The waitress returned with the coke, and set it down. I reached for the glass currently next to me, and took a sip.

"Go on then,"

“Why were you at the port?”

I figured it was the easiest question - they’d already answered it earlier, all they had to do was repeat, but instead, they shook their head, lips starting to curve up into a wry smile.

“May I skip this one?”

“That’s the easiest one.”

“I may.”

“Alright, well…” I paused to spin some spaghetti onto a spoon, and plop it into my mouth. I took my time to chew - it tasted fine, and the sauce was well seasoned - before swallowing, and chasing it down with some soda. “Let’s say, hypothetically, someone knew exactly where someone had been multiple times, and saved their ass multiple times. And they do it again, in a public area. How does that happen?”

“Hypothetically?”

Eridan’s eyes were curious, seeming to test the waters.

“Yet-Yes.”

“W-Well, hypothetically, it’s only been tw-wice,” they flashed a grin. “Let’s say you hav-ve a person, Sol’, w-who has a v-very good detector for trouble, or just astoundin’ common sense. Let’s… call them Link.”

“Link?”

“Don’t question it. Now-w, Link is met w-with a person w-who manages to cause trouble w-wherev-ver they go, let’s call them Sun, an’ Link is tryin’ to be a good samaritan, an’ not w-watch a lov-vely city’s crime rates rise.”

I didn’t bother questioning what they were saying even though I was confused, instead letting them speak.

“If Link w-were to pay attention, the timin’ w-would nev-ver hav-ve to be exact. But Sun? Sun w-would hav-ve dev-vasted their crime rates for the decade.”

“So, in plain English, you followed me?”

Eridan simply rolled their eyes.

“W-We’re discussin’ a hypothetical situation, aren’t w-we? You’re v-very observ-vant, I’ll giv-ve you that.”

Eridan’s face seemed playful, but their voice indicated an internal dilemma. As if they wanted to speak, but felt as though they couldn’t. I’ve never been one to be open towards emotions, but I leaned towards them, reaching for their hands, and suppressing a frown when they quickly pulled them away.

“ED, you can trust me. You know that, right?”

“Does it ev-ven matter anymore?”

One look at their eyes confirmed my suspicions - they seemed miserable, but fought it off with a quick shake of their head, and grin. I didn’t smile in response, only frowning.

“But, you aren’t a magnet for simply accidents. I’ll hav-ve to upgrade it to danger. If anythin’ is dangerous beside you, it’ll affect you.”

“Let me guess - you count yourself in the dangerous category?”

Their face became expressionless, eyes distant, staring at the table, and lips curled into a very, very slight frown.

“Unequiv-vocally.”

I didn’t say anything, instead reaching over, ignoring them when they pulled away, and pulling their hands into mine. Their skin was ice cold, stiff, hard, but still smooth, and I intertwined it with my own hands, trying my best to warm them up.

After a few minutes, Eridan finally exhaled, moving their hands away - but only to press one of them on top of our intertwined hands. I didn’t care enough to fight back the smile.

“I follow-wed you to Port Angeles.” They spoke quickly, sounding ashamed. “I’v-ve nev-ver tried so v-very hard to keep a single person aliv-ve, but it’s so much more difficult than I’v-ve ev-ver thought. How-wev-ver, ordinary people don’t hav-ve so many accidents, so maybe it really is just you.”

They paused, and while I should have been disgusted, I felt slightly… amused. They seemed puzzled by my growing smile, but continued.

“It’s incredibly selfish, yet I can’t control it, an’... I just… don’t think I w-want to. Sollux, your time w-was up from the moment I met you.”

It sounded cheesy, all of this, but I couldn’t help but instantly scowl, fear and distaste coursing through my veins as I remembered the first time I’d seen them, in the class-room, with their onyx eyes glaring at me.

“You remember, don’t you? I don’t say I’m dangerous to perplex you, I say it to protect you.”

“And here I am.”

“Here you are.”

Eridan glared at me, before looking down at my plate, and scooting it towards me.

“Eat, an’ I’ll talk.”

I pulled one hand away, spun spaghetti around the fork, and plopped it into my mouth.

“You’re harder to push tow-wards a direction. Usually, people aren’t v-very set on their choices, an’ w-with a little guidance, can easily make the decision you’d like them to. You… aren’t like that.”

They gave me an anxious look, and then made a motion towards my plate. I continued eating, if only to comfort them.

“So, I conv-vinced John to suggest you be inv-vited. It’s a bit ridiculous to say out loud, but I feel as though I slipped up - I focused on my ow-wn things, figurin’ I’d stop by the restaurant to accidentally run into you, as I really thought they w-wouldn’t let you run off on your ow-wn. Admittedly, I w-was w-wrong, an’ I should hav-ve made them keep you beside them.”

“How do you… convince someone?”

“Mental gymnastics. At times it doesn’t w-work, w-which is w-why I don’t ev-ver w-waste the time to use it on… for example, Karkat. He’s in a constant internal battle w-with himself, an’ me alterin’ his choices for my ow-wn adv-vantage w-wouldn’t do me any good. It’s not really conv-vincin’, as much as it’s bein’ the little v-voice in their head, an’ usherin’ them tow-wards w-what you’d like them to do, based on w-what you’v-ve heard them think.”

“Oh.”

I didn’t understand a single word of it.

“So, I kept tabs on John, pushin’ him to try the brighter blue tuxedo… w-with the off-w-white shoes, a’ course, but I didn’t bother focusin’ on you, until after I heard John w-wonder if he should call you. W-Which… they tried, multiple times. W-When you didn’t answ-wer, I w-was already parked nearby, so I drov-ve around, lookin’ for you. I didn’t w-want to go out durin’ daylight, so I parked nearby, w-waitin’ for you to just… come up how-w you do. W-When I finally… noticed you, I tried conv-vincin’ the men to leav-ve you be, but they w-were just… intoxicated… an’ I couldn’t go out, so I parked nearby, an’ hoped you’d figure it was me. I w-was about ready to honk, honestly. It’s barely an extraordinary story, an’ I regret bein’ so careless w-with the plan.”

I only blinked, and Eridan decided to continue.

“It w-was… hard to leav-ve them. After w-what they’d done to that girl, an’ how-w they w-were w-willin’ to take your life, it took ev-very ounce a’ my bein’ to just… let them go.”

Eridan’s hand gave mine a gentle squeeze, and they gave me a small, weak smile.

“I w-would hav-ve let you go home, but I didn’t w-want to be alone, know-win’ how-w easy it’d be to find them.”

After a few moments, and I’d finally finished my food, Eridan pulled their hands away from me, instead looking at me curiously, and folding their own hands in front of them.

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah,”

I gave a nod, genuinely feeling dizzy, and not so sure how to feel about everything they’d just said. However, I looked forward to the hour-long ride home, not ready to say good-bye to them.

The waitress appeared moments later, and I stared blankly as Eridan handled the check, slipping her a few bills as a tip, and as we walked away, I sighed at the distance between us. I recalled Karkat’s mention of Nepeta and Feferi’s relationship - they were pretty much about to kiss, but the farthest I’d gotten with them was hand-holding.  
Yet - a part of me didn’t want to be as upset about this as fourteen year old me would have been. It was simply a limit they’d set, and I wanted to respect it, as their company meant more to me.

Thinking like that was new to me, and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

I reached over to hold open the door for Eridan as we exited, and then as they entered their car, and they gave a grateful nod. Once we were both in, they turned on the engine, readjusting their rear-view mirror for a few seconds, before pulling out of the parking lot, and heading straight to the freeway.

“Now-w, it’s your turn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh fuck, it's happening.


	9. Interrogations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questionnaires are pretty rad, honestly.

The first few minutes of the drive were quiet, until we’d reached the freeway, and I’d finally swallowed enough to where my mouth wasn’t uncomfortably dry, but just normal. Even though Eridan’s presence gave me comfort, I still felt incredibly anxious, and had so much more I’d wanted to ask, but didn’t know how to word it.

“One more question?”

Eridan was accelerating down the road, but they didn’t seem focused on it whatsoever, instead turning to me, and frowning. They gave me a one-over with judging butterscotch eyes, before exhaling.

“Just one.”

“If you followed me, but were minding your own business, how’d you realized I didn’t go into the bookstore?”

They looked back to the road, grip tightening on the steering wheel.

“I figured w-we’d mov-ved past the inquiries,”

I didn’t respond, in fact huffing like a child who hadn’t gotten their way, and turning to the window, pressing my face against it. I felt Eridan’s prying eyes towards me, and practically felt them scoff.

“W-Well, fine. I follow-wed your scent.”

I sat up straight, trying to hide my confused expression, and Eridan only stared, ignoring the road, and giving me time to gather myself. It was certainly very fucking weird - the answer, and them not looking at the road - but I decided not to worry about it, at least not for now. I’d have a panic attack over it tomorrow, or the day after. For now, I had much more questions, and Eridan was actually caring enough to respond properly.

“You didn’t explain the answer to one of my questions that good-”

I was quickly cut off by a wide-eyed, exasperated look, and cracked a smile in response.

“So, if you want a theory, you have to actually answer it. You can apparently manipulate people’s choices, but how do you even manage to… get into their head in the first place? It sounds like bullshit.”

“That’s quite judgemental, but alright,” they paused, if not only to turn left. “It isn’t exactly… w-what you describe it as. In fact, it’s rather distractin’. The rest a’ my family doesn’t really understand it, but they get a good laugh at it all, especially w-when I answ-wer their questions w-without them askin’. Except, that’s still a rather cryptic response, no?”

They pursed their lips as they spoke, and I nodded.

“My head w-works as if it is a radio, an’ the station playin’ inv-volv-ves ev-veryone’s thoughts, at least… those in a mile radius from me. W-When someone is thinkin’ a’ a choice they’re plannin’ to make, somethin’ that troubles them, anythin’, it’s as if you’d turned up the v-volume, an’ it’s v-very hard to ignore. The w-worst part a’ it is bein’ around teens w-who are constantly thinkin’ a dates, drama, colleges… scenarios are constantly on loop in my mind, an’ if I think hardly enough, I can v-very easily see the path w-where their choices w-will take them. It’s a riv-ver w-with multiple streams connectin’ tow-wards it, some leadin’ tow-wards a rocky, harsh path, an’ others smooth, easy. But - it all ends the same, at the v-very same end a’ the riv-ver.”

Eridan’s eyes glanced at me, as if to check if I was alright.

“That’s the part I hate the most. Know-win’ no matter w-what, ev-very choice w-we make is miniscule, an’ has no real meanin’. W-We w-will alw-ways end up w-where w-we need to be, one w-way or the other.”

They paused once again, and I finally spoke.

“So… you can basically read… everyone’s mind?”

“There are quite a few-w exceptions. It’s mostly people I’v-ve talked to or been around before, w-which is w-why school is a bit… problematic. W-With strangers, I hav-ve to be close, an’ focus. You, on the other hand…”

“Me?”

“You’re unlike anyone I’v-ve met, Sollux. I can’t read you, or push you to do anythin’. You’re in charge a’ your ow-wn destiny, an’ it terrifies me.”

“Wait, wait. You can’t do that shit to me? Am I like… messed up in the head, or some shit?”

Eridan gave a dry laugh in response.

“I inform you a’ my ability to be in control of someone’s mind, an’ you think you’re the one thats messed up.”

“T-So, why can’t you control mine?”

“I don’t really know-w, honestly.”

“Like… trying to start a computer with the wrong cable?”

“Yes, exactly. Now-w, that brings us back to you, Captor.”

I gave a sigh, suddenly exhausted. I went to lean against the car-door, resting my head against the window, and then looked across the car… and then my eyes fell onto the speedometer. I overlooked it at first, but then gave a double glance, and widened my eyes.

“Eridan, holy fucking thit!”

I felt my voice lisp, but didn’t care enough to cringe, instead looking up at the glass, and feeling suddenly sick from how fast we were going. Eridan gave a startled squeak, and then turned to me, giving a concerned look.

“Sol’, w-what is the matter?”

“Look at the fucking road, you fucking psycho! You’re going a hundred miles an hour!” 

I was still shouting, gripping to the door, and leaning forward, trying to get a good view of the outside. It was dark - a result of the tinted windows, and the road flashed ahead of us in a flurry of bright, and then dimming, and then growing street lights. The forest alongside it all seemed purely dark and thick, and I cringed at the thought of us taking a wrong turn, and slamming right into the trees.

Eridan didn’t decelerate, and instead rolled their eyes at me, as if this wasn’t highly illegal, and dangerous.

“W-We w-won’t crash, muck-spout.”

Their voice bordered on light-hearted, and it sounded as if they were fighting back a laugh.

“Are you trying to kill me?”

“I simply enjoy driv-vin’ fast.”

Eridan turned to give me a grin as they spoke, and I reached to cling to my seat-belt, bringing my knees to my chest. Fuck their seats.

“Keep your eyeth on the road!”

I was admittedly being a pussy, but Eridan was being far too casual over this all, and continued to do so, rolling their eyes at me, and turning forward to lean back.

“Breathe, Sollux. W-We won’t crash, I’v-ve nev-ver gotten a ticket, an’ hav-ve fast reflexes,” they tapped at their forehead, and grinned. “Built in detector.”

“Very funny. My uncle is the Chief, and I’m going to tell on you.”

“Oh, not the Chief.”

Eridan feigned a groan, as if they took the threat seriously. As if my uncle didn’t kiss the ground their family walked on. Still, I kept my eyes on the meter, and felt instant relief when it lowered, to right below eighty-five.

“Thank fuck.”

“I loathe driv-vin’ slow-w,”

They seemed genuinely annoyed now, and I couldn’t help but find it hilarious, and yet also be astounded.

“This is slow for you?”

“Enough a’ my driv-ving,” they snapped, and I gave a chuckle. “...you ow-we me a theory.”

Oh. This’d be fun, and quite embarrassing. I looked down, staring at my hands - or well, the sleeves of the sweater they’d loaned me, focusing on the details of the stitching, anything other than my… latest theory. It’d be ridiculous, and they’d most definitely laugh.

“Is it that bad, Sol? I w-won’t laugh, sw-wear.”

Liar.

“It’s pretty shit. I don’t know where to start, honestly.”

“Hm, start at the beginnin’. W-What brought you to ev-ven think a’ all a’ this?”

“Fuck no.”

“W-Was it a mov-vie, Sollux? Not another reference, please. I’v-ve only read so many comics.”

I didn’t really have a choice in the matter - that, I quickly realized. I took a breath, and then exhaled, leaning back against the seat, and propping my head up to stare at the ceiling of their car.

“No, it was Saturday.”

“The beach?”

Eridan had a puzzled look on their alabaster face, and I fought the urge to stare, instead looking away, and continuing to speak.

“Nepeta’s friend came over, Equius Zahhak. They’ve been friends since they were like… in middle school, anyways,” I paused to take a breath, not bothering to turn to Eridan. “His dad is one of the Quileute elders, or something like that. He didn’t seem to take it very seriously, but we started talking, and your family came up.”

“My family?”

Eridan’s voice sounded cold now, stiff, almost demanding. I gave them one look, and it confirmed everything I need to know. They were obviously tense, but trying to not let it show.

“Yeah, your family. Vriska brought you up, trying to start shit with me, or something. Nepeta mentioned you, something about you all just… not coming to that beach, but it was weird. So, Equius and I went on a walk, and he decided to explain.”

“He… decided.”

Their voice sounded unbelieving, trying to repeat what I’d just said, and make me realize how stupid it sounded. I ignored it.

“Well, I was nice to him, acted like we were obviously friends, and I guess he felt comfortable. He told me one, though he just treated it like it was all dumbass superstitions.”

“A’?”

“Er… vampires.”

I decided to look at them now, and their face was curved into a perfect scowl, bronze curls framing their pale skin, and eyes slitted, facing the road.

“That made you think a’ me?”

“I mean… sort of. It’s pretty stupid, and when I went home and did research, I kind of just realized it was all weird of me to give a fuck about it all - like, that’s your life - so, I decided I didn’t really give a shit.”

“It doesn’t matter?”

Eridan’s voice could’ve cut through ice, and their face showed every single of anger and distaste I’d feared. Their pupils seemed to be focused purely on the road, thin slits in a pool of golden, and their nails were definitely tearing through the steering wheel.

“No…? It’s none of my fucking business.”

“‘None a’ your fuckin’ business,’” Eridan repeated my words in a mocking tone, and I was taken aback by the venom in it - and the fact that this was the first time I’d heard them curse. “... you just… chose to not care if I w-was a monster?”

“I guess not? It’s really not that theriouth.”

“‘Not that serious,’” 

Eridan’s tone was incredulous, as if they really couldn’t believe how nonchalant I was being about it all. I didn’t know if my response was bad, and felt anxious over it. Did they want me to be mad, ostracize them?

“It’s not.”

They paused for a few seconds, pursing their lips, before only exhaling once, lips twitching in an effort to relax.

“I truly w-wish I w-was able to control your choices, Sollux.”

“Sure you do. Am I right?”

“That’s besides the point, Sol’.”

Even with their outburst, their voice was cautious, trying to dance around actually stating it. I felt… slightly shocked by it all, but not as much as I should have been, instead just… calm. It was settled, and I didn’t really care.

“Eridan.”

I spoke quickly, in a demanding tone, like a parent trying to get their child to admit they were sorry - and Eridan looked up, giving me a pleading look for a split-second, before simply looking down, and gnawing on their bottom lip. Their lips moved fast, and the words came out as low a whisper.

“Yes.”

So, it was settled. I certainly didn’t feel disgusted, or really… bothered, if I was being honest. Truthfully - a part of me found it fucking hot, but I’d save that to the hard drive, and try to ignore it for now. Right now, I had questions.

“Okay. Can I ask some questions now?”

“A’ course,”

Their voice was soft, weakened, and it caught me by surprise. I fought the urge to just… hold them, if not only because they were driving, and God damn, I was a pussy.

“How old… are you?”

“Sixteen.”

“How long have you been sixteen?”

Eridan only stared at the road, body entirely stiff.

“A long time.”

“Okay.”

I was happy they were being honest, trying to actually give me the answers I wanted. I felt… thankful, if anything. Eridan stayed silent, as if they were waiting for me to ask more.

“So, is the day-time thing true?”

That actually cracked a laugh out of them - much to my delight, and I gave them an encouraging grin.

“Myth.”

“The sun doesn’t burn you?”

“Myth.”

“And… the coffin sleeping?”

“Myth,” they paused after they spoke, and then shrugged, and turned to me. “I can’t sleep… at all.”

It took me a minute to take that in, and I felt a sting of delight, knowing we had one thing in common.  
God, I was fucking weird.

“You can’t sleep? Like… at all? Ever?”

“Nope. I hav-ven’t slept… in half a’ millennia,” they paused for a second, examining their words, before shaking their head. “An’ a quarter.”

I didn’t bother to do the math, for fear of freaking my own self out. Instead, I turned my head to stare ahead of me, trying to comprehend everything they’d just said, and my current situation. I couldn’t help but feel… strangely calm, even when going over this, trying to convince myself to freak out. I couldn’t care enough to freak out, instead just happy I was able to spend the time with them, and that in itself made me sick.

Eridan’s stare cut through my thought process, golden eyes staring at mine, a raised brow indicating that they themselves were, in fact, questioning me as well.

“You hav-ven’t asked the obv-vious question,”

Their voice was sharp, cold, but casual. As if they were annoyed, and noticing they’d lost their pencil, or forgot to dry their clothes. I felt dazed, not even noticing what they meant, and just staring blankly until they rolled their eyes, and scoffed.

“My diet, Sollux.”

“Oh.” Acid settled to the pit of my stomach, and I felt myself growing sicker by the minute. “That one.”

“Yes, that one. Aren’t you curious, w-wantin’ to find out if I drink blood?”

“Not… really?”

I felt as though I disappointed them, and myself, when I spoke. I was fucking stupid, and I should have been more worried about that certain fact, but I just… couldn’t care about it. It didn’t bother me.

“W-What?”

“Well, Equius said something about that. It was a part of the legend, or something.”

“He said somethin’?”

“Yeah, he said you didn’t… hunt people, but chose to hunt animals instead. Your family wasn’t supposed to be dangerous, or a threat.”

“He… said w-we w-weren’t dangerous?”

Eridan’s voice was flat, confused, and disbelieving.

“I mean, no, but like…” I took a second to sigh, and rub at my temples. I had a headache already. “You weren’t supposed to be, because of the whole animal thing. But… they obviously didn’t want your family on their land, in case. It was a whole precaution treaty thing.”

They only sighed, and answered my question before I was even able to ask it.

“The Quileutes hav-ve a long memory.”

Their voice was a whisper, but I took it as a confirmation. 

“You shouldn’t trust that though, Sollux. They’re right to keep their distance, to hav-ve set the treaty. At any giv-ven second, w-with just… bein’ at the w-wrong place, w-we could rev-vert to our old w-ways, instincts. W-We’re dangerous, all of us.”

“I… what?”

“W-We try, some more than others. It’s v-very hard, but w-we’re usually better at it. But… w-we make mistakes, an’ I thought I’d hav-ve kept the only clean record in the family, until… I met you.”

I couldn’t help but feel sadness come up at their words, as if my chest just… reenacted the Roblox ‘oof,’ sound. That… was a stupid metaphor, but it hurt more than it should have, and my face felt hot.

“This wath… was, a mistake?”

I fought against my lisp, if not only to not come off as upset as I really was. Eridan only sighed.

“An… impossibly dangerous one.”

I stayed quiet after that, trying to compose myself, and they followed suit. The street-lights moved too fast as they drove, far too fast, as if time was melting with each second, as if we were in a video game, and I’d sped it all up. It made me feel sick, weak. I didn’t want to waste a single second of the time I’d spend with them, though their words hinted at a possible end. I tried to ignore it, surely this was… all stupid, they were just weird, and I was bored, but I couldn’t help but wince at the thought of them not being around to confuse me with their dialect, and mood-swings. The simple thought of it made me sick, and instinctively, I jumped the gun, now that they seemed somewhat willing to try to talk to me.

“Go on.”

I demanded it, as if my life depended on it. Eridan seemed startled by the tone of my voice, quickly turning to face me, entirely confused.

“W-What more could you possibly w-want to know-w?”

“Why animals, and not people?”

“I…” They froze, and then exhaled. “I don’t w-want to be… horrible.”

“Are animals even enough?”

I tried to hide the desperation in my voice, the fact that I was trying my absolute best to humanize them, to convince them that there was no reason to leave, and they were good for me. To make them realize they didn’t have to leave, not after stringing me on. It was terribly pathetic, and my face felt hot, moisture gathering at the corners of my eyes. I fought against it.

“W-Well… they are, but… it’s like liv-vin’ on soy, an’ tofu. W-We call ourselv-ves v-vegeterians, a little… insider, I suppose. It nev-ver sates it entirely, but keeps us as bay, an’ able to somew-what control ourselv-ves, sometimes though… it is v-very difficult.”

“Is it very difficult right now?”

“Impossibly.”

Their voice came out in a sigh, and I found myself jumping to try and motivate them, reassure them.

“But, you’re doing it. Besides, are you even hungry now?”

“W-What makes you think that?”

“It’s another theory, but you get pretty pissed when your eyes are black, so maybe you’re just actually hungry then. Besides, aren’t short people always moodier?”

Eridan huffed, lips breaking into a pout.

“I’m not that short.”

“You are. Anyways, am I right?”

“You’re v-very observ-vant.”

I shrugged at their small laugh, not bothering to respond, and instead savoring the angelic sound. I cringed at how flowery my thought process had become, and quietly blamed it on them. Once the car became quiet once again, I decided to speak.

“You were hunting this weekend, with Rufioh?”

They paused, and sucked on their bottom lip for a split second, before nodding.

“Yes. I didn’t w-want to leav-ve, out a’ fear, but… it’s become a necessity at this point. It’s safer to be around you w-when I… eat. Still, it w-was… admittedly, hard to leav-ve.”

“Why? Why was it hard to leave?”

Eridan gave an awkward laugh in response. I only recognized it because I made the same sound around them, when they’d give a witty comeback that’d left my balls busted, and my neck flustered. I felt a small twinge of satisfaction in the fact that I seemed to have the same effect on them, occasionally.

“It… ah, makes me anxious… to be aw-way from you, Sol’.” Their voice was soft, casual, but it had undertones of violet, and blue. It made me melt, and harden with concern all at once, and that in itself scared me. “You just attract so much danger, cause so many accidents… I w-wasn’t kiddin’ w-when I had asked you to not fall dow-wn any more stairs. I w-was w-worried the entire w-weekend, to the point w-where Rufioh grew-w annoyed with me - honestly, I’m surprised you ev-ven made it through the w-weekend unharmed, an’ I suppose I should… giv-ve you more credit, but it’s still terrifyin’.”

“How?”

I responded quickly, only wanting to cloud my head with their voice, even if I couldn’t decode what they meant.

“You’re… just, you, Sol’. It w-was terrifyin’ tryin’ to focus on somethin’ an’ not be able to check up on you, check if you w-were okay, it w-was an honest test a’ my w-willpow-wer. It w-was a v-very long three days.”

“Three?”

“Yes, w-we got back Sunday.”

“Wait, but you missed Monday..?”

“Ah. You asked if the sun hurt me, an’ w-while it doesn’t, it… I’ll show-w you, ev-ventually.”

They seemed stressed by all of this, saying it out loud, and I felt bad… honestly, truthfully bad. It was strange for me, but I quickly agreed, mostly to ease their nerves. It was funny, honestly. They were a vampire, the very creature that was supposed to be attractive, alluring, but in reality, they were just as much of an awkward mess as I was. That fact on it’s own, quickly calmed me down.

“I feel the thame - same, fuck. With the… anxiety thing. Yeah, not theeing - seeing, fucking hell - you makes me anxious too. It… really fucking sucks. You should have called.”

“Oh.”

They fell quiet, and I felt the nerves creep back up my spine, as if I’d put my heart out on my sleeve, and they’d quickly rejected me, but that wasn’t the case, and I was being a fucking pussy.

“Sollux, this is w-wrong.”

That was the exact case.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”

I was confused - I’d only tried to comfort them, and show them that they weren’t the only one, and they were being strange, again.

“It’s perfectly clear. I’v-ve done enough by makin’ myself miserable ov-ver this, but you shouldn’t be so… inv-volv-ved, w-with any a’ this,”

And that was then I decided everything they said was bullshit, and this was probably a fucking stupid, ridiculous game. Vampire or not, whatever the fuck even that shit was about, Eridan was a fucking indecisive bitch, and it infuriated me.

“You’re really doing this shit, right now?”

My voice came out angrier than I expected it to, far too much venom, and Eridan was clearly taken aback, but I couldn’t help but feel satisfied at it, at their reaction.

“I just - Sollux, I don’t w-want to hurt you, I don’t w-want to force you through this, an’ then…”

“What, fucking kill me?”

I spat out quickly, not thinking over my words, and not caring a single bit about Eridan’s wide eyed, furious glare towards me.

“Nev-ver say that again.”

“Why not? You’re planning to do it regardless, aren’t you? Once you’re done with this fucking stupid game, you’re just going to end it in the way that benefits you, no? It’s what you fucking want, Eridan, and we both fucking know it.”

“Sol’, I’m serious-”

“So am I. So fucking get it over with, we’re both here, alone, and nobody will ever fucking believe you did it.”

I hadn’t noticed how loud my voice had gotten, far too caught up in my own head to think about anything other than lashing out, cursing the universe for putting me into this situation, until Eridan only gave a single shaky breath in response, and then a sniffle.

“Are you crying?”

I sounded appalled… without trying to, or meaning to, considering I had been close to crying only moments ago. I was still angry, but mainly at myself, for even letting it get this far, and letting them have their way continuously.  
I reached out instinctively with my hand, but Eridan only shook their head, and leaned away, reaching up to grab their scarf, and rub at their own eyes.

“Forgiv-ve me.”

They spoke in between small sniffles, voice weak, yet full of regret, and I only nodded, feeling nothing but pure pity for them. I wanted to hold them, comfort them - but at the same time, didn’t they deserve all the anguish they’d forced me to go through? My own thoughts confused me, and I couldn’t really tell if I was even angry anymore.

“I didn’t mean that I w-was goin’ to stop talkin’ to you, rather I… w-would prefer you had common sense.”

“Aren’t we past you pushing me away?”

“It’ll help me be at ease, to know-w you understand this.”

Their voice was apologetic, and shaky. They were struggling to regain their composure, so I only nodded, not wanting to stress them further.

“I understand it, ED. I’m not fucking stupid, you’re dangerous, cool, whatever. I don’t care.”

“I am… definitely fightin’ fate to keep you aliv-ve.”

Their voice was sarcastic, even between the shakiness, and I found myself chuckling in response.

“You sure fucking are,”

They nodded, and I turned my head out to the window. We were just entering Forks, and when I looked down at the clock - it’d taken less than twenty minutes, though it had felt like hours. I grew upset knowing I’d have to say good-night to them pretty soon.

“You’re coming to school tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, I hav-ve a paper due,” they gave a small smile. “I’ll sav-ve you a seat at lunch?”

“Epic.”

It was fucking stupid, really, how these middle school promises instantly made me feel better, and made me excited for the next day. It was almost easy to forget that I’d just yelled at Eridan, and they’d just cried in front of me.

We were soon outside of the house, and Karkat’s truck was parked outside, everything perfectly in place. It felt as if I’d broken through time, as if we’d moved in warp speed, and I felt somewhat dizzy.

“You’re coming to school for sure, right?”

I felt insecure as I asked it, keeping my head down as I unbuckled my seat-belt, but Eridan didn’t seem to mind, for the most part.

“Yes. I promise.”

“Okay.”

I got out of the car right after, standing to the side as I worked on taking off the jacket, not realizing how many decorative handles it had, and struggling with incredible difficulty. I heard a quick laugh, and then pale hands were fixing it against my shoulders and chest, and Eridan only looked up at me with a confused face.

“When did you get out of the ca-”

“It’ll be cold tomorrow-w, keep it.”

It was… a nice jacket, and smelled like them, so I didn’t really complain, not really caring about the questions I’d likely be asked.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

My voice came off as desperate - clingy, I felt it, and Eridan only frowned, looking down for a second, ice-cold hands still pressed against my chest, before looking up, with cautious eyes.

“Sollux?”

They were still looking up at me, and I realized just how tiny they were compared to me. It was rather funny, at first, but now I wanted nothing more than to hold them, press them close to me, and the hardest part was not doing any of it. I only gave a small nod, indicating I was listening, and Eridan glanced down, trying their best to gently step onto my shoes, and cling to the collar of the jacket, whilst moving to stand on their toes. It was ridiculous, the position, but it was fucking adorable, and I genuinely forgot to breathe, instead just staring at their face.

Eridan’s eyes fell onto my lips, and I felt the blood start to pool onto my neck in obnoxiously splotchy patches, but I held my ground, moving my hands from my side, to both sides of their waist, just gently supporting them up.

“Sleep w-well.”

Their voice was a whisper, and they leaned forward, lifting their head, and pressing the lightest kiss to the tip of my nose, before pulling away, and staring at me with wide, dilated pupils.

I was stunned, genuinely frozen, and not sure how to react… whatsoever. Eridan was off of me in less than a second, and I fought the urge to grab them and pull them in properly, instead only grabbing their hand, squeezing once, and letting go.

“You too.”

They seemed to crack a smile at that, giving the slightest hint of a smile on their strained face, before quickly getting back into their car, and starting the engine. I stood there for a few more moments, and then turned around, heading up the porch, turning just in time to see the car disappear around the corner.

The door was unlocked and I quickly walked in, cleaning my feet on the mat, and then chucking my shoes aside, wanting to go upstairs quickly, and be done with today. I was looking forward to tomorrow for once, and it weirded me out.

“Sollux?”

Karkat’s voice came from downstairs, followed by footsteps, and then he was right in front of me, still wearing the clothes he’d worn earlier.

“Holy shit, did you two skip dinner? Actually… don’t fucking answer that,” he eyed the jacket suspiciously. “Mom made food, if you want.”

“Oh, I ate, don’t worry.”

“Did Eridan fucking force you to swallow that shit? It’s only eight.”

I glanced up at the clock, and then raised a brow. 

“Fuck, that felt way longer.”

“Were they like… fucking weird?”

“What? Oh - no, they were cool, we talked.”

“Oh, I’m sure you two did a lot of fucking talking. Listen, Terezi’s going to call me in a few minutes, but tomorrow you’re telling me all of this shit. All of it.”

His voice was demanding, and I was far too occupied in my thoughts, and the feeling of Eridan’s cool breath against my skin.

“Uh - yeah, yeah, I’m going to probably go to sleep, okay?”

I didn’t wait for a response, instead quickly going up the stairs, and hearing Karkat utter a “What the fuck?” before walking off on his own. Once I made it to my bed, not even bothering to shower, only chucking the jacket, and jeans off, I noticed just how exhausted I was, even with my head so full. It was a welcome surprise, and as I climbed under the quilt, my thoughts quickly raced. 

Nothing was really… clear, right now. But even then, I felt as though four things were certain, and factual.

One, Eridan was a vampire. I expected that one, and it didn’t quite affect me.

Two, there was a part of Eridan that wanted nothing more than to strangle me, and drain me of my blood in the process. I didn’t know how strong that part was, but if the first day I’d seen them was any indicator, it took up far more of them than I wanted to believe. Even then, this didn’t scare me.

Three, Eridan wanted me to get away from them, even though they wanted to keep me near. They were confusing, and scrambled my thoughts continuously, without meaning to.

Four, I was slowly falling in love with them, and no matter what my common sense told me to do, I wouldn’t be able to get away, or leave them.

And that one? It fucking terrified me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... we're finally past the reveal! Finally. Hopefully I can finally give these two some actual fun, bull-shitty chapters now. :,)


	10. Complications Side A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hand motions* Okay.
> 
> Small-ish warning for misgendering.

The morning was impossible, and I didn’t want to even bother getting started with the half of me that insisted on arguing against the events of last night, and make me believe it was just all a dream. Granted - reality wasn’t on my side, nor was my usually-amazing common sense. It was strange, how attached to it all I was, how much I wanted to convince myself it happened. Their smell lingered against the tip of my nose, likely stemming from the jacket thrown across my room, and while I usually hated tacky, overpowering perfume, I wanted nothing more than to grab the jacket, hold it to my nose, and inhale. It was too intense, too distinct - I couldn’t have dreamt it up on my own.

Getting up with a groan, I noticed I’d slept with clothes on… preferably for the best, as it’d be rather awkward to sleep naked, given my cousin’s suspicions. I considered showering, but decided against it, I still smelled nice - I wasn’t sweaty, and most of all, I wanted to keep Eridan’s scent on me for as long as possible.

God, I was whipped.

I took a quick glance towards my window the moment I put on my glasses, and could have honestly kneeled, and kissed the ground. It was foggy out, dark and unwelcoming to most - but I was elated, pulling on some random t-shirt, and a pair of dark jeans, before grabbing the jacket, and putting it on. It was… obviously just to return it to its owner, duh - and, well, it was rather cozy. My boots slipped on, and I headed downstairs, frowning a bit when I noticed all the empty spaces on the dining table, and my plate rather cold, and in the middle. I was definitely running later than I assumed, and one visit to my aunt’s office confirmed my suspicions - Karkat and Nepeta had headed out, figuring I was staying home today.  
Alright. I’d have to walk to school, or catch a bus. That was fine, and it was on me for waking up so late.

I grabbed a single piece of cold, stiff bacon from the plate, chewing it thoughtfully - before grabbing a second, and doing the same. I chased it with luke-warm orange juice, and then headed outside, cringing at the fog that instantly clouded up my glasses, and cringing when I took them off, bending over slightly to clean them against my shirt.

The air was unusual, smokey even, and I frowned at the possibility of it raining. A wave of cold air smacked me across my face and I only cringed, genuinely, for once, missing the shitty heater of Karkat’s truck.

But, walking was good for the soul, so it’d have to do. I was a few feet down the drive-way when I noticed a silver car parked in it, and didn’t bother hiding the instant grin that flashed against my face. I didn’t know where they had come from, or when they arrived, but they were there, rolling down their window, and giving a perfect smile as they looked out towards me.

I took a few steps towards them, and they raised a hand to fix their hair, keeping their attention on the mirror, as if they hadn’t just been smiling wholeheartedly at me. Coward.

“W-Would you like a ride?”

They had a hint of playfulness along their voice, delighted by the fact that they’d gotten a reaction out of me, and had surprised me. It was amusing, even adorable - but also infuriating, how easily they broke down the walls I’d built up with years of therapy, and medication. They made it seem so easy, how they just stripped me bare with words, and forced me out onto the spotlight. Or… some shit like that.

“Sure.”

I kept my cool, casually shrugging, as if it was really whatever, and I wasn’t elated to go with them. As if this wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and I would have never, in a million years, refused. I quickly got into the passenger seat, and gave a loud, happy sigh when the heat smacked me in the face… in a welcoming manner.

“You… brought the jacket!”

Eridan seemed surprised by this, voice raising in pitch, and I looked at them, confused, before giving another expertly nonchalant shrug.

“Yep. It was cold, and hoodies aren’t good enough.”

They paused to pull out of the drive-way, and I took the time to examine them - they weren’t wearing a jacket today, show-off, but instead a knitted gray henley that hung delicately to their form, tracing along the out-lines of their muscles, leading down to their chest… showing off the very slight curve of their - don’t stare, Sollux. I shook my head subtly as I felt the splotchy patches of red crawl from my shoulders to my jaw, and instead diverted my gaze to their slender neck, and the obsidian scarf that hung off of it, expertly positioned against their clavicle, loose ends falling against their chest. It was admittedly… hard to not stare, considering Eridan rarely wore tight - revealing, clothes, and I was… a fucking mess over this.

They swallowed once, and I thanked the Gods above, before looking back to their face.

“I had you brought one, in case you’d decided against w-wearin’ it, it’s in the back-seat.”

I turned back, shivering subtly as my shoulder brushed against theirs, and there it was. Folded neatly in the middle seat, a black sweater that seemed to match with their outfit. It was impossibly cheesy, but I felt myself smile, and gave a laugh as I grabbed it, and sat properly.

“I can dress myself, you know.”

“Yes, but… w-well, you w-were goin’ to be cold, Sol’.”

“Was that really it?”

Eridan gave a childish huff as I yanked off the jacket I was currently wearing, and almost tossed it aside - before realizing who I was with, and neatly folding it - trying to, - and setting it in the back seat. I unfolded the one they’d brought - it was most definitely suited for the cold weather, a black parka with what felt like a soft fur trimming against the edges, and it almost felt ridiculous putting it on. It fit like a glove, and felt new… it didn’t really smell like Eridan, which was upsetting, and it made me feel awkward. It was nice, definitely. But for me? Far too nice. It looked like something a model would wear, feeding into edgy dramatics, and… I could go on further about it, but fuck… it was warm.

“It suits you.”

Eridan’s voice broke the silence, and I leaned back against my seat, cracking a small grin.

“You know, I’d almost assume this is charity work, ED.”

“Nonsense, Sol’. You just… nev-ver w-wear clothes suitable for the cold w-weather.”

“Oh, and you get to judge my fashion choices now?”

“Yes.”

They chuckled as they spoke, a light, musical sound, and I found myself laughing as well… fucking smiling.

We drove through the streets, and whilst I cringed at the fog, trying to somehow see my way through, Eridan drove quickly without a care. It felt awkward, such a drastic change from last night. They were obviously more comfortable around me, sure, but you could never be sure with them, and I frightened me to know that they’d probably drift away again, and… leave me with a black parka.

“So, no tw-wenty questions?”

Their musical voice once again cut through the silence like a slice of cake, smooth and intense. I fought the urge to smile, trying to maintain a serious, collected composure. It was admittedly hard.

“Does it bother you?”

“I… suppose it doesn’t. It’s rather nice, if I’m bein’ honest. Hav-vin’ someone so curious, it’s… nice.”

“So you have a fetish for questions?”

“Oh, precisely,” Eridan paused, and then smiled - this time genuine, a natural reflex. “No, your reactions. They’re… interestin’. You’re strange, Sollux.”

“Is… that a bad thing?”

“No! The exact opposite, actually. You take it all so… casually, it strikes me as odd. It’s unnatural, really.”

“Well… I can always tell you what I’m thinking..?”

“But, you’ll change far too much, out a’ shame.”

“I mean… do you really want to hear everything? There’s gross shit in there, ED. Genuinely disgusting shit.”

“You’ll nev-ver understand, but… hearin’ the gross… disgustin’ shit, it’s lov-vely. You forget how-w it feels to be human, how-w it feels to…”

Their voice fell into a whisper, signalling the end of the conversation, just in time for us to pull into the parking lot, alongside a glossy, orange convertible with the removable top.

“So, where’s the rest of your siblings?”

“Took Rufioh’s car,” they motioned towards the scenely vehicle beside us, and cringed. “Ostentatious, isn’t it?”

“It’s… there, for sure.”

I wasn’t much of a car person, but if I was, it would definitely not be for those types of cars. It looked tacky against the dim surroundings of the school, and even then others flocked around it, as if they hadn’t seen a car like that before.

I took a moment to remember this was Forks, not Seattle, and sighed. They probably hadn’t.

It was silent as we got out of the car, but I still found myself wondering outloud.

“So, Rufioh has that. Why do they ride with you?”

“Oh. It’s… his car attracts attention, w-whilst mine is modest.”

“Yeah, a Volvo from the next fucking year is definitely modest, gotcha.”

“W-Well, I w-will say it’s an indulgence. Could any other car go past a-hundred? No, an’ w-we all enjoy driv-vin’ fast.”

I looked around, and I - we, weren't late anymore. Their fucking maniac driving had gotten us to school with plenty of time to spare.

“So, why did he drive today?”

Eridan gave me a confused look, before rolling their eyes.

“You are unfathomably impossible, Sollux. They didn’t w-want to w-wait for you, an’... w-well, w-we’re all at the age of hav-vin’ our ow-wn cars, it’s more a’ blendin’ in.”

“You all do a great job at it. Seriously.”

They chuckled, and rolled their eyes, looking at the parking lot one last time, before turning to lock their car.

“Hush, w-we try our best - besides, I am breakin’ all the rules now-w, so I might as w-well sav-ve you from the… truck.”

Eridan gave a shudder, if only for comedic effect, and then turned to me, taking one step closer than usual, and resting their hands on the parka, positioning it properly with fast, velvet-like motions of their thin finger tips.

“It suits you, the… ah, style.”

“I feel like an oversized Ken Doll.”

A gentle pap against my cheek, and a delicate, dimpled smile.

“You look w-warm.”

Under the shelter of the cafeteria’s overhang was Karkat, who held his own back-pack in his hand, and Terezi’s bag as she had her back turned, focused on talking to her friends. He looked shocked, eyes wide, practically bugging out of his sockets. It was fucking priceless, but Eridan paid no mind, keeping their eyes on me as we walked towards the building.

“Uh, hey KK. Thankt- Thanks, for leaving me home today. Really.”

Karkat gave me a wide eyed look, and then a blink.

“Fuck off, you weren’t waking up for shit. Should’ve fucking told me you were going to hitch a ride with your buddy over here, I wouldn’t have waited so long outside.”

I shrugged, moving to respond, before Eridan quickly interrupted, giving us both a small smile. They then turned to Karkat, and blinked.

And really - it wasn’t their fault, how velvety their voice was.

Or… the power theirs eyes held over others.

“Hello, Karkat.”

Whilst Eridan’s greeting was mostly innocent, Karkat wasn’t having it, instead looking at me with raised brows this time around, and shaking his head. He then turned to Eridan, and faked a smile, much to their delight.

“Uh… hi. I’ll see you after class, Sollux.”

He quickly walked away after, shaking his head, as if I wasn’t able to see it, and I groaned. Eridan gave a laugh, as if this was the single most amusing thing they’d witnessed. From the corner of my eye as I reached down to wipe at my glasses I noticed Karkat slightly turning around to give us both a double take, and I sighed. What the fuck was I going to tell him?

“So, w-what are you goin’ to tell him?”

Eridan mused quietly, and I turned to look down at them, only giving an incredulous look.

“Didn’t you just go on a whole rant about not being able to read me?”

“Yes, but I can read him. Karkat w-wants to know-w ev-very detail, each single one.”

They rolled their eyes, as if this was obvious. I didn’t even notice where we were walking until Eridan led me to a secluded table in the out-side portion of the cafeteria, with little sun, and barely anyone beside it. A part of me wondered if it belonged to some edgy losers, or was the scene freshmen’s table - but I didn’t complain when Eridan took a seat, patting on the empty spot beside them encouragely. I took the seat, leaning back against the table, crossing my hands in front of me, before quickly reaching over, and resting my arm over Eridan’s shoulders.  
It was definitely risky - and I waited for a reaction, but they gave none, sitting still instead, and I visibly relaxed.

“What should I even tell him?”

“That, that is none a’ my business, Sol’.”

“But you know what he wants to know - come on ED, help me out.”

I gave a whiny voice for extra measure, fighting the urge to rest my chin on their mess of waves, instead shrugging solemnly. 

“Sol’, that’s not ev-ven ethical.”

“Uh, no, princess. Not sharing what you know? Now that, that is not ethical.”

Eridan made a troubled face, as if they were questioning whether or not to tell me, and then stood up. I sat for a little while longer, trying to bask in the calamity, before finally standing, and glancing at them with a quirked brow.

“So?”

“He… w-wants to know-w if w-we’re secretly datin’. Something about a cliche,” their mouth broke into a mischievous grin, and they promptly shook their head while crossing their arms. “...and, w-what - exactly, w-which ‘base’ you’v-ve made it to w-with me.”

Oh. I broke instantly into a splotchy flush, eyes wide behind my glasses, and I wasn’t even sure two seconds had passed. Eridan quickly sneered at my reaction, brows furrowing as they took a step back, and then another. I was understandably confused at it - had I done something wrong, or managed to disgust them? I felt the anxiety starting to creep up my spine, until I looked back at them, and noticed their pupils dilating.  
It took me less than a minute to realize my blushing fit was something incredibly different to them, and quickly took control of it.

Eridan visibly relaxed by the second, and I exhaled loudly as we walked towards my class.

We made it to the door rather quickly, shrouded by awkward silence, and distance. Once we were standing in front of it, I turned to Eridan purely out of instinct, wanting to memorize their face - fucking gluttony. They quickly took notice, face flashing in confusion, and I panicked to explain myself.

“Er... uh, what should I say?”

Eridan’s voice was strained, quiet, and careful, all at once.

“Yes.”

“Wha-?”

“See you at lunch, Sollux.”

They gave one quick grin, dimples just slightly poking out, before turning and promptly walking off, leaving me against the door, stressed, and confused. That wasn’t new to me, but all of this was, and I had no idea how to handle any of it. Would Karkat really question me? Yes, he mentioned it the day before. Eridan must… have super-hearing (God, thinking that is so fucking embarrassing) so… would they eavesdrop? Most importantly, what the hell did they mean by ‘yes’? They must have not been focusing, but… were they? My head hurt, and I exhaled once again as I stood straight, this time exhausted, and ready for a long, long nap.

I didn’t pay mind to the students with the questioning glances in front of me - and judging by their expressions, I was sure I’d be met with pure stupidity and ignorance regardless, or something equally pointless.

I ducked my head as to not bang it on the door frame, and entered the class room.

“Good morning, Sollux.”

Feferi was already in her usual seat, though her voice wasn’t as cheerful as usual, nor enthusiastic. It struck me as odd, and I quickly realized this period would likely be spent comforting her. She gave a small smile, though it felt forced, as if she wanted to be polite, but didn’t really care for my presence.

“Oh, hey FF. How are things?”

“Good, good,” she paused, and then pursed her lips. “How was yesterday?”

“That. Yeah, it was cool, but I got lost, and-”

“I heard.”

I blinked at the bitterness in her voice, and leaned back into my seat, balancing it against my heels. There was a high chance I’d fall on my ass and crack my skull, but that’d be fine.

“How?”

I questioned carefully, now more focused on balancing myself.

“Saw Nepeta before school,”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she took a breath, playing with the ends of her braid, and tugging at the rubber band holding it together. “Just… did you have plans before? She was wondering, you know? Why waste their time and go on with the plan?”

“No, fuck, I was planning to go hang out with them, but, you know - got lost. Bad memory, I guess.”

“Mhm.”

Feferi sniffed once like she didn’t believe me, and then looked up at the clock. Her fingers were still playing along her hair, and I couldn’t tell if she was trying to take it apart, or tighten it.  
The awkwardness was thick into the air, and I couldn’t be bothered to deal with it all, still frustrated from earlier. I took a breath, and quickly decided to change the subject.

“It’s cool that you went out with Nepeta. She really likes you, and said she had a great time.”

Or, well, she probably would have. If I asked. Maybe.

Feferi flushed almost instantly, eyes wide, and looking up at me curiously.

“She did?”

Her tone was now completely different, actually genuinely happy. I dropped my voice to a whisper, and responded.

“Yep. But… don’t tell her. Cousin code, you know? Like, don’t go blabbing to her about how she thinks you’re the coolest, and cutest, girl she has ever known.”

“Yeah, yeah - cousin code, right?”

Her face was beet red now, and she had a sheepish grin spread across her lips.

“So, I said nothing.”

She nodded, and finally gave a real, honest smile.

After class, I figured I was done with Feferi… at least for now. I’d given her some not-so-real insider scoop on her possible girlfriend, and she seemed happy - but when we left class she was just as sheepish as before, fucking around with the ends of her braid.  
I considered walking off, and almost went to, before she spoke.

“So,”

“Yeah?”

“Did she… actually say that?”

Oh, come fucking on.

“Why would I lie to you, FF?”

“I just, I don’t know! You’d think she’d be nicer, more… romantic, but she’s just… not?”

“What do you even mean?”

“She’s so… into romance. And with me, she’s just quiet! More into… sitting there.”

I tried thinking about it, but didn’t really come to a proper conclusion - Nepeta is rather quiet as is, unless she’s talking about something she liked. Even then, I’d never really seen her in a relationship. I gave a shrug, and sighed.

“Maybe she’s just… comfortable with you, FF. Some people are like that, you know?”

She only huffed, not confident with my response, but not really knowing how to respond to it.

“I… guess? Maybe I’m just panicking over this, right?”

“Yeah, you just… have to remind yourself that she’s pretty open about how she feels, and wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t want to.”

“You’re… right. Fuck, I just have to stop freaking out.”

“Yeah,”

I silently wished I was able to convince myself that, but Feferi seemed content; albeit a little solemn, and walked off.

Walking into Trig, I noticed Dave Strider in the back-row, and cringed. Had he always been in my class? Probably. He was motioning towards me, and standing in front of the other students, I had no choice but to walk towards him, and take the seat.

Almost instantly, he leaned towards me, lowering his glasses to glare at me, and blinked.

“God-damn, Captor. One of the Maryams’, huh? Who thought Karkat’s little cousin would have so much swagger?”

I hadn’t noticed how strong of a Texas accent he had, and gave an annoyed sigh. I was complaining about it prior, but I’d give anything to be comforting Feferi right now.

“I have no thw-swagger.”

I cringed at my lisp, hunching over to hide my face into my crossed arms, and exhaled.

“Sure. Come on, fucking Eridan Maryam, huh? How the hell did you swing that?”

“I don’t know? I didn’t do anything.”

“How long has this been happening? Is it some kind of secret? Like, they don’t want their family to know? Is that why... you pretended you were going to the Port with us?”

Dave’s voice was irritating, prying, and fucking annoying.

“I wasn’t fucking expecting them, okay? They showed up, on their own.”

I winced at my own tone, but luckily my face was hidden, into the thick sleeves of a parka. Dave huffed, seemingly annoyed with my honesty.

“Have you ever gone out with them before last night?”

“Nope.”

“So… it was a total fuckin’ coincidence.” 

“Yep.”

“Gotcha.”

Dave’s tone was unbelieving, but I didn’t care much of it. Yes, I was… evading the truth, at some points, but I was answering honestly to his questions.

“Why do you even care so much about it?”

“Oh, nothing. Just… you’ve been basically obsessed with them since you first got here, I’m just… wondering.”

“Well, it wasn’t none of that shit.”

“But… I bet it was a wild night, huh?”

That, made me snap my head upwards, brows furrowed. I was usually one of those idiots that snarked about whoever I was with, mostly not caring about them, but… it was different with Eridan. Fucking cliche as fuck, I supposed, but it felt wrong hearing this of them, when all they wanted was to blend in with other students, and be normal.

“What the fuck?”

“So, I have to wonder how you even managed that shit. Do you have a genie in a lamp? Did you find some blackmail on them-”

I cut Dave off instinctively, much to his surprise.

“It was an early night, I got home at eight.”

“Are you for real?”

“Yep, dinner, and a ride home.”

“They dropped you off this morning.”

“Yeah, I called and asked for a ride, because Karkat left me home.”

“Fuckin’ hell, man.”

“What? You thought they were with me all night?”

“Yes? Dude, I thought you were going to fill me on some priceless fuckin’ information, enough to keep the shower nozzle from fuckin’ flowing.”

“Are you serious?”

“Listen, at least tell me you made out with them. Come on, give me something.”

“Why would I?”

Dave only gave a wide glance, face shifting from shocked, to disappointed, and then shaking his head in disdain. He held his hands out forward, and then moved to cross them.

“God, fucking damn. That is the single most disappointing thing I’ve ever had the misery of hearing, Captor. Really regretting what I said about your game - Karkat has a shit ton more, and he can’t even fucking write good songs.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Seriously, it’s probably a fucking pity thing, because - God-damn, fuck.”

I cringed, and fought the urge to shove my head back down, instantly feeling a disgusting sensation pool at the pit of my stomach. I’d… definitely suspected that, and it kind of sucked to hear it be said out-loud, even if it was by a douche.

“Sure is.”

“Maybe I should try to be more of a freak, if that’s what Eridan is into?”

He thought out-loud, and I felt bile pool up to my throat, and swallowed down. I felt sick, and wanted to leave.

“Go ahead.”

I didn’t bother looking at Dave, instead focusing forward on the board, not even realizing class had started.

“Know what, though?”

His voice was quiet, and I kept from responding.

“I think I’d rather be with a normal chick.”

I felt… angry. Not because of the way he talked about Eridan - I could handle that, it wasn’t… my favorite, but I could shrug it off. But - the normal part? That struck me harder than most, for far too many reasons. No, Eridan wasn’t normal. However, it wasn’t for the reasons Dave had made it out to be - they weren’t broken, or weird. No, they weren’t normal simply because they surpassed it, and surpassed Dave in every form of existence. Even those… ‘normal chicks,’ Dave had mentioned, Eridan somehow managed to beat them all, and it pissed me off to know that nobody saw it that way. I wasn’t usually emotional, at least… not over other people, I’d shut off most of my feelings after Mituna’s accident, but… they managed to bring that out, and I found myself with tightened fists under my desk at the realization that they willingly sat through constant, daily hours of hearing others deem them as weird - call them the wrong things, mentally insult them, think about them, all just to be normal. To be better.

I couldn’t be bothered to bite back the venom in my voice, even if I wanted to.

“Yeah, well you stick with that. Keep those expectations low.”

Class passed rather quickly, or well… as quickly as it could with Dave leaning away from me, obviously annoyed by our conversation. He figured we’d been friends long enough to where I’d sell Eridan out to him, give him the latest gossip for brownie points. Guys did that - I’d done it before, some part of a stupid fucking man-code I gave no shit about.

He seemed upset that I hadn’t, as if I’d betrayed his trust, and the thought of that was laughable. I got up the moment the bell rang to put my things away, and started walking away, before Dave called out to me. I gave a nod, and he walked to me.

“So, you’re not sitting with us at lunch today, are you?”

“Nope.”

I responded quickly, walking off, and exiting the class-room, doing a little half stutter step, and tripping over my shoe when I looked up. I stayed frozen at the door for a few seconds, just enough for Dave to catch up to me, stand still, and then pat at my back-pack.

“Coincidence my ass.”

He quickly walked off, shaking his head as he did so, and I squinted my eyes forward, genuinely wondering if I’d gone blind.

Right beside the door to my next class - my spanish class, Eridan stood, looking unrealistically… hot, and their expression said it all. Their golden eyes were amused, lips pulled into a tight grin, and they were still wearing that obnoxious, and now that I was looking at it - way too long, scarf, and I wanted nothing more than to slowly, carefully, pull it off, and lower my head down to - anyways.

I cleared my throat, walking towards them, watching as the grin on Eridan’s face grew wider, and wider, until… it broke into a pout, and I frowned in response.

“I don’t like your friend - Dav-ve, is it? He’s perpetually loathsome.”

“Yeah, I… I don’t really like him either, honestly.”

I fought the urge to wrap my arms around their waist, pull them close, and just… hold them. Hold them there, for a long while.

“W-Why do you talk to him?”

That question could have been full of malice, but it wasn’t. Eridan was genuinely confused, lips still pursed, and a brow raised. I wanted nothing more than to kiss them until they felt sick, and were heaving over.

“Guess it was just a boring class, honestly.”

“Oh,” they responded quickly, and stayed quiet for a few seconds, before looking up at me. “Are you hungry?”

“Positively.”

I faked their stutter, a dopey grin on my face, and honestly - I didn’t know if I was hungry. I didn’t really feel like it, but I could go for some food, if it meant another second with Eridan. They only rolled their eyes at my obviously fake stutter, but seemed to smile much wider, so it was an honest success in my book.

“Oh, ha-ha.”

I looked at them for a few more seconds, or… I assumed they were. I studied their face, looking at every angle, just… memorizing, until Eridan blinked, and I was flushing, and backing away.

Had I leaned in? Fuck, I was such a mess now, and I felt sorry for them. I anxiously raised a hand to my face, rubbing my temples, while cursing under my breath, and leaning against the lockers lining the walls.

Was… what Dave said true? Did they just pity me? I tried not think of it, but it was all their expression was giving me, and I felt sick to my stomach, just trying to get myself together, ignore the fucking tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, and make an excuse to leave. Maybe I’d skip class today, or something. Maybe I’d move back home, and never see them again. Maybe I’d just fucking leave, and never bother them again.

An ice-cold, alabaster hand reached for my palm, gently lowering it, and I was met with furrowed brows, and wide, honey eyes.

“Are you alright?”

God, of course I fucking wasn’t. I was nearing a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the hall-way, against a locker, in front of the kid I fucking liked, and they were being so genuine, so… innocent about it all, and somehow, that made it all sting so much more.

The halls were empty now, which was luckily my saving grace. I couldn’t help but bite back the bile in my throat.

“Yeah, yeah, thorry, fuck.”

I reached to stand up, trying to think up some lame excuse to leave, just… walk home, but Eridan’s hand was on my chest, just barely pushing me into the locker, keeping me leaned down, while the other cupped at my cheek.

I felt ashamed, not bothering to look at them.

Sticky coolness brushed against my cheek, and then ghosted over the corner of my jaw. I moved forward, aiming to stand up, and cringed against the solid weight on my chest, my body effectively pinned against the locker.

“Uh-”

“You’re hav-vin’, a... hav-vin’,”

Eridan’s voice was breathy, and hoarse.

My throat tightened, as my breaths grew more rapid.

“Nothing, let me up.”

It felt ridiculously awkward, how terrified my voice felt - breathing rapidly, lisp prevalent, but I felt calm.

The coolness of Eridan’s teeth brushed against my skin, as I assumed they broke into a grin.

Somehow, I wasn’t terrified. Why would I be?

They only gave a hum in response, face pinned to the very corner where my jaw and neck connected, and even then their voice was bordering on forced, and I couldn’t tell if it was my own body shaking, moving theirs in turn, or they were actually trembling.

I didn’t know how I felt. My head kept racing, thoughts I’d forgotten I had, the possibility of Eridan growing bored of me, the possibility of me leaving - would they come after me? Would they find someone else to… be with?

My throat felt tight, lungs heavy, and I still felt sick.

“Dude, chill the fuck out.”

I responded with a dry laugh, and only now noticed Eridan’s tightened fists resting at the front of my parka, careful to not rip the fabric.

“Trying.”

They snapped back instantly, voice sharp, and I already felt calmer. While the uncertainty at the pit of my stomach was still there, I was met with an incredibly stupid idea, and I was always impulsive.

“Okay.”

I lifted my head fast, fast enough for Eridan to not notice, and pressed my lips against theirs, holding them in place for less than five seconds.

The only response they gave was tensing up far more than normal, and then… relaxing.

It didn’t feel… very sparky. It felt normal, lips against lips, except theirs were coated in sticky gloss (vanilla, nice) and they were equally just as freaked out as me.

Then, their hands moved from the front of my coat, and they took a step forward, face lifting, and lips moving in a fierce ferocity. It was weirdly adorable, in a strange, demented way. They were so confused by the kiss, and didn’t know where - or how, to move their mouth, lips just struggling to stay attached to mine, while their face turned every few moments, nose bumping against mine.

I had to wonder, half a millennia, not knowing how to give a kiss? I made a mental note to teach them (eventually) and ducked my head to the side, dipping under them, and moving to stand straight, behind them. I probably looked… admittedly a mess, cheeks red, face sweaty, and while Eridan didn’t need it, I needed air, and after that fucking crusade? A ton of it.

Eridan - on the other hand, recovered quickly, and turned to me with wide, dilated eyes, face stiff, and moved to take a step forward - before stopping, and instead leaning against the locker. Their face was panicked, afraid, and I felt bad.

“You didn’t kill me.”

My voice came out slow, pronouncing the syllables precisely, for them to hear, and understand.

“See? You did nothing wrong.”

Their eyes flashed over to mine, brows furrowed, before they exhaled shakily, and opened their mouth to speak.

“W-Was it… good?”

I didn’t bother holding in the crack of laughter that came out, shaking my head to clear it up, and then reaching towards them. They flinched away, and I promptly moved my hand.

“Yeah, yeah, sure - it was great. You need practice, though.”

That got a wide-eyed stare from them, and more laughter from me, because fucking hell, they looked adorable when they were angry, even with the threatening angles of their face.

“Practice? W-What w-was I supposed to do? You just started grabbin’ at me, an’ mackin’ aw-way!”

They didn’t seem too offended, instead… embarrassed, and I stopped laughing, instead crossing my arms, and leaning closer to them with a questioning look.

“Really, I… started macking on you? On the contrary, princess. You almost bit my mouth off.”

“Almost.”

Eridan’s voice deepened in tone for half a second, and I felt myself tense up, and then… relax.

“...Goodness sake, Sollux. In the middle a’ a hall-w-way?”

I shrugged, honestly… forgetting where we even were the moment my brain decided to shut down. It seemed like a good plan at the time, so I didn’t question it. 

Eridan moved to walk forward, and I quickly followed, like a lost puppy, and leaned towards them.

“But, did you like it?”

My voice bordered on playful, and Eridan groaned.

“Yes,” they admitted, and then they smiled. “Your lips are dry.”

“Oh, are they?”

“Ye-”

Okay, maybe I really was bad at timing this whole thing. 

I swept in for a kiss, pulling them close, making sure to just… run my lips over theirs, and pulling away before they had time to react. Eridan’s eyes were closed, up until I was finally standing straight, and they opened them, realizing what I’d done.

“You don’t stop, do you?”

“Nope.”

My voice was admittedly weirdly cheerful. But… who wouldn’t be, after kissing someone they liked, twice? I licked at my lips, trying to figure out the flavor of the gloss that was now subtly coating them, before settling on a strange mix of vanilla, and caramel.

“Okay, just… not in the cafeteria, please? Your friends are disgusting.”

Eridan’s voice was soft, and I couldn’t help but nod at it, willing to do anything they’d want just to keep them beside me. It was borderline disgusting, at this point.

“Anything for you, your highness.”

“Okay, Sol’, stop w-with the royalty jokes.”

I reached forward to their face, cupping it gently, and then raising my thumb, wiping at a streak of lip-gloss I’d manage to smear out of place. They raised their hand, resting it on mine, and for once, I felt… okay.

I wasn’t sure if they pitied me, or truly wanted me.

I wasn’t sure if they were buttering me up to just make the satisfaction of killing me all the better.

But for once? I didn’t care.

All I wanted was to stay here, and have them this close, for as long as I possibly could.

I took a careful breath, and managed to wipe it off, before pulling my hand away.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to cut the chapter in two, hopefully this is strong enough 'till then. :)


	11. Complications Side B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter than usual, but :,)

The walk to and into the cafeteria was rather lackluster, Eridan staying entirely quiet, and me hovering beside them, trying my hand at the concept of calming down. Their silence - as usual as it was - made me anxious, as if I’d done something wrong, or they really, truly, were growing tired of me. We arrived pretty late to the cafeteria, everybody already seated or heading towards their seats.

Walking into the cafeteria alongside Eridan was a lot like my first day, in the worst of ways.

Everybody stared, most in awe, and a notable few in distaste. 

We headed towards the line, Eridan stepping in front of me, and I quietly followed. I wasn’t really hungry, remnants of anxiety and discomfort still creeping down my spine and pooling into the pit of my gut, but I didn’t want to leave them alone. They only gave me quick glances every few seconds, possibly wanting to speak, but after a few moments their expression shifted to from concern, to irritation.

I found myself fidgeting quietly with the pockets of the parka, just now noticing how much ridiculous straps and buttons it held, and quietly gave a grin at that. Did all vampires have a thing for useless straps of fabric? Dave’s comments from earlier came up rather quickly, and I only sighed.

Definitely useless things, that was sure.

I shook my head to try and snap out of my stupid thoughts, looking at Eridan, who’d led us to the end of the line and was currently paying, and then their tray. It was littered with a bit of everything, and then some.

“That’ll be twenty-five,”

The lunch-lady spoke in a bored tone, not even caring a single bit about the overflowing tray she was ringing up. Eridan paid rather quickly, not caring to stop and wait for the change, and instead picking the tray up, and heading towards the table we’d sat at previously.

I rolled my eyes and then speed-walked towards them, catching up right as they set the tray down, and took a seat. I rested my hand on the table, leaning down, and looked at them suspiciously.

“I can’t eat all of that shit.”

“Don’t w-worry, half is for me.”

I took a seat right in front of them, and Eridan instantly pushed the tray towards me with only their index finger.  
I raised my brows, and stared down at it.

“Come on.”

“Take w-whatev-ver you w-want.”

I let my backpack fall to the floor as I spoke, and Eridan rested theirs on the empty space beside them, not caring to even look at the group of seniors currently gawking at us. Er- them, with wide eyes. I wasn’t very important in this situation, admittedly.

“Actually, I’ll only eat if you do too.”

“Sol,”

Their voice raised in pitch, practically bordering on whining, and I grinned at them, all teeth.

“You don’t want me to starve, do you?”

Eridan stayed quiet for two full minutes, glaring daggers at me (effectively sending shivers down my spine) before crossing their arms, and huffing.

“No.”

They reached for the packaged cookie I’d been eyeing, tore through the plastic, and hesitated for a split-second before plucking off the tiniest crumb with their thin fingers, and bringing it to their lips. They chewed slowly with a stoic expression, and then swallowed, lips quickly shifting into a dimpled smile.

“I’m sure you’v-ve eaten dirt before, hav-ven’t you?”

I shrugged, plucking the cookie out of their hand, and shoving it into my mouth in a less-than-graceful manner. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t horrible. The raisins were a nice touch.

“I actually used to make mud-pies with Karkat, uh, we ate a lot of them.”

Eridan blinked at that.

“Somehow-w, I’m not surprised.”

I swallowed the cookie, and reached for something else on the tray. I internally decided on the pizza, picking it up, and starting to eat it pretty quickly. Surprisingly, I was actually hungry.

“You’v-ve Dav-ve so confused.”

“Damn,”

“I take it he w-went a bit… ahead a’ himself w-when he saw-w you in my car, no?”

I cringed at the awkward, yet fresh, memory, and tried focusing on the pizza.

“Yeah, it was… pretty fucking weird.”

“But, do you truly agree w-with him?”

Oh. I tried swallowing quickly, ignoring the implications of that statement - and what exactly I agreed with - but instead accidentally choking on the mouthful of pizza. Eridan moved to stand up before I swallowed, and reached for the milk carton, opening it quickly, and taking a sip.

Eridan gave me a concerned glance to which I shrugged, and they sat down as I swished the milk around my mouth, and then swallowed.

“Uh… agree with what exactly?”

“W-Why I’m… w-with you?”

I took another sip as I carefully thought through the conversation, cringing when I realized Eridan heard all of it, even the bits I’d rather they’d… never been aware of.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Eridan gave wide eyes, nose slightly scrunched upwards in irritation, before sighing.

“‘Obv-viously, it’s just some pity thing?’”

They made little quote motions with their hands as they spoke, and as adorable as it really was, it didn’t help much with the bile pooling along my gut.

“Well, it doesn’t need much explaining,”

“An’, I’ll get bored rather soon, right?”

Okay, that kind of stung. It was expected, and going to happen, but thinking about it hurt, and was the main reason I even had that little moment earlier, and dragged them into it. I didn’t bother responding, only giving a casual shrug, and Eridan huffed.

“Sol’, it has to be so ridiculously hard to be so… absurd.”

“Oh?”

They gave a small smile, though it wasn’t exactly a smile, and instead bordered on a frown. For a split-second, they actually looked affected by this, brows furrowing, and eyes falling downward.

“I hav-ve much more important manners to be concerned about than grow-win’ bored. Don’t you believ-ve that?”

“I… yeah, sure, why not.”

I gave an exasperated shrug as I spoke, and Eridan’s eyes narrowed.

“W-Well, that was obv-viously affirmativ-ve.”

I took a bite out of the pizza crust, and chewed slowly, thinking carefully of what I wanted to say. It took longer than I expected, the crust inside of my mouth slowly growing into flavorless mush, and I fought the urge to spit it out - instead swallowing, and huffing. Eridan kept their gaze on me the entire time, brows knitted, and lips pulled into a tight frown.

“You okay?”

Eridan’s eyes widened, almost surprised by my voice, before just shaking their head, and letting out an angry, yet ridiculously endearing puff of air.

“I honestly loathe w-when you do that.”

“What? Not tell you my every sudden thought?”

Their lips quirked upwards, almost smiling, but Eridan quickly maintained their stoic composure.

“Exactly.”

I was probably going to be left in the dog-house and have to resort to serenading if I didn’t give them a response, so I swallowed, and shrugged.

“I… don’t really know what you even want me to say, Eridan. I don’t really know why you’re still bothering with me, considering you’re basically the… shit, in this school, and yeah, you’re going to grow bored of me. That’s just how it works, and there’s no harm in admitting that. Kind of don’t really want to bring that up though, considering I’m trying to enjoy a really shitty, plastic tasting, pizza.”

Eridan’s eyes only narrowed further, and I felt the hairs at the back of my neck stand up.

“And, yeah, I guess I kind of like th- fuck, spending, time with you, and I don’t want to push you away with all my stupid fucking insecurities.”

“You’re right, actually. Now-w that you mention it, Dav-ve is rather pathetic, so I’d ought to be mov-vin’ o-, Sol’, you know-w that I’m kiddin’, right?”

I didn’t feel my expression change, so I wondered what my expression showed, but didn’t question it.

Eridan’s expression relaxed, and they reached towards me, arm still on the table, but hand held out. I quickly reached towards it, and rested mine atop of it, not failing to notice their wince.

They didn’t move, but instead seemed incredibly uncomfortable, and I found myself anxiously pulling away.

They mumbled a ‘sorry,’ and kept my hand in place, before swallowing.

“Bein’ close to you is harder than you think it is, Sollux.”

I figured as much, and nodded.

“You don’t understand.”

I cautiously looked up at them, and was met with furious golden eyes, and pursed lips.

“You can nev-ver, an’ I mean… nev-ver, do w-what you did in the hallw-way again.”

Their voice wasn’t particularly threatening, but their expression was burning straight through me, and I fucking shivered at it. I moved to speak, but they cut me off rather quickly, face still contorted into pure anger.

“You’re on a suicide mission Sollux, an’ I’d rather not be an accomplice.”

With that, they quickly pulled away, resting both their hands on their lap, and closing their eyes. They shakily took a breath, and I wanted to look at anything but them, honestly terrified of fucking up further. I looked above them, and instantly regretted it.

Porrim (was it?) was staring intently at Eridan’s back, and while everyone else at the table looked away, left to their own devices, her visible anger made up for all four of them. Her glare shifted towards me, and I quickly looked down, trying to ignore the blood pooling to my face.

“Your sister seems a little… pissed.”

That cracked a laugh out of Eridan, and they shrugged, before glancing behind them. I didn’t make out their expression, not really wanting to be caught in this further than I’d already been, but once Eridan turned back to face me Porrim’s face twisted into one of remorse, before she turned back around. Gamzee, sitting in the near back, seemed delighted by this all.

“She alw-ways is,” they paused, raising their hand to tap at the table casually. “I hav-ve another question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Are you really going to Seattle this w-weekend, or w-was it just an excuse to get aw-way from your… long list a’ admirers?”

I cringed at the thought of the list - how many people seemed to like me for no real reason, and then exhaled.

“I haven’t forgiven you for the Terezi thing.”

“But, you w-will.”

“And Vriska. And Tavros, and I… think Feferi is handled, but fuck.”

I gave an exasperated sigh, and leaned forward onto the table.

“Sol’, it’s your fault for befriending ev-veryone you see.”

“They all threw themselves on me.”

“That’s too bad, isn’t it? Besides, I could hav-ve stopped them, but it w-was far more interestin’ to see how-w you’d react.”

I would have been angrier, but their laughter was intoxicating, and I almost felt like chuckling myself.

“W-Would you hav-ve turned me dow-wn, had I asked?”

I thought about it seriously. It hadn’t crossed my mind, them probably wanting to ask me out, it seemed incredibly odd and… wrong. 

“No, but I would have cancelled later.”

“W-Why?”

“Uh, first off, have you seen me in Gym? Dances are a big no.”

“So, you underestimate my ability a’ keepin’ you steady?”

“Wha- I mean, yes? I just don’t really think of it, and it seems like I’d get myself killed during it.”

“Only you, Sollux Captor. Only you w-would die at a highschool dance.”

“I mean, I almost died at fucking Port Angeles.”

Eridan winced at that, and gave a serious frown.

“That is true.”

Then their face twisted back into their usual grin, and their brows raised at me.

“That w-wouldn’t be a problem, regardless. The dance thing. It’s all in the leadin’. I could… definitely teach you, one day. But - you didn’t answer my question.”

I didn’t speak, instead giving them the freedom to ask. Eridan seemed pleased by this, and quickly continued.

“Are you certain on going to Seattle, or w-would you rather w-we do somethin’ different?”

If I was drinking milk right now, I likely would have spit it out. It was a childish reaction, but the ‘we’ part gave it so many implications my shitty, malnourished, and tired human brain tried to comprehend, and it almost gave me a headache.

“I’m cool with anything else, but you have to do something for me too.”

“Oh, requirements to take you out?”

Eridan’s voice bordered on teasing, lips fighting the urge to smile.

“Yes, exactly. I want to drive.”

They instantly frowned, and eyes widened.

“Excuse me?”

But, it wasn’t a definite no.

“Well, honestly man, your driving fucking terrifies me. So, I’d rather drive myself, bore you to death, before letting you take me wherever you want for the rest of the day. It’s a big sacrifice, all I’m asking is to drive the prissy car.”

Eridan only grinned, and shook their head.

“There are so many things you could be scared a’ Sollux, you literally could hav-ve died today, and you choose to be scared a’ my driv-vin’.”

“Hey, I just don’t understand how you can even reach the windshield.”

“Oh, ha-ha.”

We stayed quiet for less than a minute, before Eridan was speaking again.

“W-Will you tell your family, that you’re goin’ to be out w-with me?”

“Uh… no, honestly.”

“W-Why not?”

I shuddered at the thought of their reactions, and shook my head.

“They’re… overbearing.”

“Ah. You should tell them, though.”

“No,” I sounded definite, but gave a casual shrug. “Where are we going, anyways?”

“I… don’t really know. I guess w-we could driv-ve around for a w-while. The w-weather w-will be nice, so I’ll hav-ve to stay out a’ public, but… I’ll come up w-with a place to go once w-we’re there, I suppose.”

“So, you’re going to show me what you mean - with the sun, right?”

“If it comes up, it’ll come up.”

They still seemed unsure of it all, and honestly, I was too, so I didn’t pry about it. I was honestly just happy they wanted to spend the day with me.

“If you… w-want to, a’ course. I’d rather not think about w-what’d you’d do by yourself in Seattle, or w-well, w-what’d happen to you.”

“You… do realize I’ve lived there my entire life, right?”

“Yes, an’ I’m surprised you’re not missin’ an arm.”

I sighed, not caring enough to respond. It’d start an argument, and while I didn’t comprehend why’d they care so much about me staying alive, I’d respect it.

“You should tell your family, though.”

“Why would I do that?”

“So I’ll hav-ve a reason to bring you back.”

Their lips curved into a dimpled smile, eyes glancing knowingly at me, and I gulped. Luckily for me, I was rather used to it by now, and only shook my head.

“I’ll take my chances.”

They rolled their eyes, before crossing their arms, and huffing angrily.

“Let’s talk about something else.”

They raised a brow at my suggestion, but I managed to keep my cool about it all.

“W-What do you w-want to talk about?”

I shrugged casually, ignoring the annoyed sigh it got out of them. I looked around very, very casually - making sure we were out of anybody’s way of hearing, but not before glancing over Eridan’s usual table, and noticing the spinly one, the girl with the short black hair - Kanaya, staring at me curiously. I broke contact quickly, and looked back to Eridan, asking the first question that came to mind.

“Bears, huh?”

They only stared, eyes wide, before shaking their head again, and exhaling.

“They aren’t in season, ED. You’re breaking the law now.”

“If you’d cared enough to research them, the laws only cover hunting w-with w-weapons.”

I rolled my eyes, and laughed.

“So what, you don’t use weapons to hunt? You just tackle a bear and bite down, right?”

I was mostly joking, before noticing Eridan’s concerned look, and sighing.

“Holy shit, you do, don’t you?”

Eridan was not anxiously fiddling with their fingers, not bothering to look around the cafeteria, instead keeping their head down. It was almost endearing, and it would have been, if we just managed to miss this crucial part of their diet.

“Grizzly is Rufioh’s fav-vorite.”

Their voice was even more terrified, almost cracking, and I felt… bad about it. Like I shouldn’t have brought it up, but at the same time, I was curious.

“So, you actually fucking just… go, and bite bears. Your little ass?”

Eridan easily ignored my comment on their size, and continued.

“W-Well, I prefer mountain lions. W-We tend to focus on places w-with an ov-verpopulation of predators, as to not affect the env-viroment. I mean, w-we could sustain ourself-ves on tinier things - there’s so many deer and elk here, but w-what’s the fun in that?”

“Huh.”

“An’, w-well, early spring is the best, personally. I’d w-wager Rufioh agrees. They’re fresh out a’ hibernation, an’ an actual challenge, easily irritable. It’s more excitin’. W-We’re strange, but w-we still enjoy some fun, if w-we can get it.”

“Nothing more fun than an irritated, fat, bear.”

“Precisely.”

They smiled, this time genuine, and it almost made this all feel okay.

“I just, genuinely cannot picture it. You have the same teeth as me, how the hell are you hunting bears with them?”

Eridan raised a brow, giving me an incredulous look, before opening their mouth, and pointing at their white, perfectly straight teeth with their index finger. They made sure I got the memo, and then closed their mouth.

“They’re stronger than you think, Sollux. Did you know-w a human’s body prev-vents it from using it’s actual strength, so as to not damage it? Our bodies don’t care if w-we damage it. It gets fixed almost instantaneously.”

I nodded like that made sense.

“I’d rather you try not to picture it, honestly. It’s rather strange, an’ I w-wouldn’t w-want to giv-ve you nightmares.”

“Oh, you giving me nightmares? Sure thing, ED.”

Lying to them was harder than I’d imagined.

“So, when can I go see this shit?”

Their eyes shot wide, face furious, and a few shades lighter than usual.

“Nev-ver!”

I was taken aback by it, and raised a brow.

“Dude, you are not going to give me nightmares over this.”

“Sol’, if that w-was the case, I’d take you tonight. You need a dose a’ fear, but I just… can’t take you. Ev-ver.”

“Why… not?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Later?”

“Later. W-We should go to class, if you’d like.”

I looked around, and raised a brow. How much time had passed? The cafeteria was almost empty, and Eridan was now standing up, extending a hand towards me.

I stood up, grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulders, before taking their hand.

“I’m bringing it up later.”

They only sighed, before starting to walk forward.


	12. Serenade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! Here's a mushy chapter in exchange.

The walk to class was short-lived, after I casually suggested skipping, and Eridan pursed their lips for a split second, narrowing their eyes, and then agreeing. I felt as though they were keeping me at arm’s length - I was on the leash, most certainly, and they were making sure to keep us both safe. I understood it entirely, or well, tried to, fighting the urge to hold the door open for them as we reached their car, and reach over to hold their hand when they moved to fiddle with the stick-shift.

It was probably annoying to them, I figured, and worked to fix it, and listen to their words from earlier. It was easier thought than done. I fixed my seat-belt with a small exhale, before settling in the front, and adjusting my seat to make sure my knees weren’t hitting the airbag.

“Careful w-with the car,”

They grumbled quietly in-between the mutual silence, and I bit back a laugh.

“Overprotective.”

“Only w-with v-valuables.”

I stuttered at that, feeling a little amount of heat rise towards my face, and turned to the side, looking out the window as Eridan chuckled lightly, and reversed out of their parking space. I almost asked about their siblings, before realizing they had their own car today, and we’d be able to spend a little… hopefully a while, longer together. It made my palms clammy, the simple thought of it, and I ran them along my jeans, trying to dry them and calm my own nerves.

Within a few minutes of driving - they were going much slower than usual, Eridan finally decided to speak up.

“I take it you’ll hav-ve quite the amount a’ interv-view-ws come Monday, no?”

They were right, and it annoyed me. Was this all so... impossibly weird to comprehend? For Strider, especially.

“You’ll have to help me with them, eventually.”

I mused thoughtfully, leaning against the window, and resting my head on my hand. The thought was actually rather amusing - Eridan actually defending themselves, and explaining this was nothing more than a… very strange friendship.

“Goodness, no. That’d be so strange, Sollux.”

“You have to stand up for yourself eventually, ED. I can’t defend you and your weirdneth all the time either.”

I cringed at the lisp, but tried to keep my composure. When I was around them my head-to-mouth process was ridiculously quick, and I didn’t have enough time to correct myself. Besides, if they did poke fun at it, they had a ridiculously Welsh-ridden stutter, ripe for insulting.

Not that it was bad, obviously.

“I’d rather you not defend it.”

They snapped back almost instantly, in a sort of… correcting manner. It wasn’t angry, or scornful, but instead… caring. They wanted me to make the right choice, and it didn’t take a genius to realize a… ‘friendship’ with a monster, and possible mass-murderer, wasn’t that.

But even then, I just couldn’t find it in me to see Eridan as really, that bad. They were fucking ancient, tiny, and bitter, and they had an absolutely punchable voice, but on the other hand - I was a basket-case, I had no real amount of talent to my name, other than the simple fact that I could build electronics, program applications for them, and play a small amount of guitar.

They were very clearly filthy fucking rich, and I was wearing the same shirts I owned in eighth grade.

Even then, aside from all of that stupid, materialistic nonsense, we statistically, biologically, logically, weren’t meant to work out. It was coded somewhere in our DNA, in the small digits of morse code that made up our atoms - ‘DO NOT MIX THESE TWO’, and yet, it was addicting when we - I, did. I was in charge of this entirely, and deep down, I figured that honestly, Eridan would do whatever I say, mostly out of the simple fact that they were obsessed with me, and it was their nature.

Attract the prey.

While I couldn’t agree with the last part, attach it to myself, the rest of our components - everything aside from their… condition… were exactly the same, and complimented the other.

I didn’t understand it, and I couldn’t make up a logical explanation for it. They were a drug, and just hearing their witty responses - their distinct expressions, their stutter, made the constant danger all the more worth it, and exhilarating. I was dancing along the edge of a cliff with them, and it managed to only make me appreciate every single second I had with them more.

“Your loss.”

Not that I’d ever let them know.

Eridan fiddled with the radio as they drove, and I had the sneaking suspicion that they were aiming to bring my anxiety to the maximum peak, and then act as if I was ridiculous when I brought it up. I watched their lithe fingers closely, confused by how fast, yet precise they moved. It was like watching a cartoon drawn out to be rushing, but instead it was real life, and instead of destroying whatever they were holding onto, Eridan’s fingers moved exactly to where they needed to be, without a fault, or stutter in between.

It was weird, staring at their fingers, but captivating, all at once. I knew I came off as a creep. I knew it was strange, and there were subtle ways of going about it, but Eridan obviously noticed, and didn’t seem to comment on it.

They reached for the CD’s, going down the organized stack with a single finger, before settling on the fifth one, and pulling it out. I didn’t recognize the name on it, nor album cover, and half-expected thrash metal when they inserted it into the player. For just a few seconds there was silence, and then the beginning of a tune, to which Eridan only shook their head, and pressed the skip button. They stopped on the twelfth track, and reached upwards, turning the volume a bit higher.

Realistically, I don’t know what I was expecting. I could jokingly say thrash-metal, and it’d be funny because of their size and attitude, but had I actually thought about it, a somewhat classical piano melody would’ve been the first guess. In a way, the tune stressed me out at the very beginning. It was slow and consistent, verging on maddening, and then it quickly sped-up, into something more favorable, and peaceful. 

I hadn’t noticed I’d been staring until a little laugh escaped from Eridan’s lips, and I looked up defensively in response.

“What?”

They rolled their eyes, keeping their hands tightly onto the steering wheel. I didn’t look forward, not really caring where we were going, or what the plan was. We could discuss all of that later, when it needed to be discussed.

“You seem so perplexed by Einaudi, is all. I take it you don’t enjoy classical music?”

I blinked, silently wondering if they had made up a new language, and were quietly mocking me over my lack of understanding. It’d be a low blow, but I wouldn’t put it past them.  
Eridan noted my silence, and only hummed.

“I see. This song is rather… know-wn, but for good reason, I suppose. It’s not the metal or grunge ev-verybody seems to like now-w, but it’s probably better… at least to me.”

They gave a dimpled smile without the awkward flush as they spoke, eyes staring intently at the road. I wanted to agree, just from how passionate they looked when speaking about it. It almost made me feel sappy, like I wanted to use the piano skills I’d learned in eighth grade orchestra, and play them a cover of it.

Realistically speaking, Eridan likely knew piano. As well as every instrument possible. They had the time for it, the fingers, and the never-ending patience to sit, and master it.

I, on the other hand, was never good at any instrument besides guitar, and even then, that managed to piss me off to no end if I wasn’t in the exact mood for it.  
If Eridan asked, I’d certainly be in the mood for it.

“You play piano?”

The question blurted out on it’s own, but Eridan didn’t seem surprised, giving a blink, and shrugging.

“A little, I… prefer v-violin. Kan’ is the one that plays piano, I’m alw-ways just sorta’ in the back helpin’ out w-with an occasional chord, or tw-wo.”

Oh. That was surprising, but I could kind of see it, now that I was looking at them. They were small, and had thin, lithe fingers, yes - but they just reminded me of a violin. Tiny, and squeaky. There was a better analogy for that somewhere, but now I was interested in hearing them play, one day.

“Do you play any, Sol’?”

“Oh, a little bit of guitar.”

“Gee-tahr?”

Eridan’s tongue fumbled over the word, a little confused, even though they seemed to understand what I was saying. Honestly - I’d be more concerned if they didn’t. Who would live half a millennia and not know what a guitar was? It sounded ridiculous.

“Yeah, they’re usually made of wood, six strings, kind of have a long… neck.”

I motioned it with my hands, sitting upwards while Eridan looked at me, and then rolled their eyes.

“I know-w w-what it is, Sollux. I just can’t picture you playin’ one.”

“Hey, I’m not bad at it. Actually pretty good, whether you want to believe me, or not.”

“Oh, are you now-w?”

Eridan turned to me, eyes bordering on mischievous, as a grin grew on their face. I didn’t understand what the joke was, or what they were hinting towards, but I felt myself grinning as well.

“I sure as hell am.”

“W-Well,” Eridan paused, before pulling their hands back from the steering wheel, and crossing them over their chest. “Go on an’ get it, then. I w-want to hear this.”

I blinked at their words, just slightly taken aback, before looking up and away from them, and noticing we were parked neatly in the driveway of my uncle’s house, and it’d only been thirty minutes since our Biology class had started. While my uncle wasn’t home yet, and I’d likely be able to make up some excuse as to why I was home so early, I didn’t want to risk getting either of us in trouble for skipping, so I hesitated, and leaned back into my seat.

“Yeah, I’m not trying to get in trouble for skipping, so,”

Eridan only blinked, and then made a surprised face, as if they’d realized something incredibly important.

“Oh! Right, you’re actually a student.”

“What… is that supposed to mean?”

“I need to stop distractin’ you from your education, Sollux. W-Where’s your bedroom?”

“Attic, and no, you need to distract me harder. We’re both honors students, and I already know all of the shit they’re teaching us.”

“A restriction enzyme is one that…?”

“Breaks and digests DNA in a certain manner, why do you need to know where my room is at?”

Eridan unbuckled their seatbelt, sitting up and opening their door, before moving to get out.

“ED, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Koch’s first postulate predicts that for any single type a’ microorganism-cause disease…”

“A single species of whatever-the-fuck can be isolated from the diseased individual, my uncle literally has a gun-”

“Microbe, Sollux. Calm dow-wn, they w-won’t ev-ven know-w I’m here.”

Eridan’s head was now ducked under the window of the driver’s seat, looking at me with a little cheesy smile.

“Like hell they won’t, wait the fuck u-”

I hissed as I fiddled with my seatbelt, trying to snap it off, hands now clammy and shaky. When I finally managed to take it off, I moved to open the door and get out, only to have the door be opened for me. I was half-expecting my uncle to be there, waiting for me with a truancy warrant in hand, but instead it was Eridan. They looked as effortless as ever, except now with the decently expensive cherry-wood guitar Aradia had given me years ago in hand. And then, they moved to place it onto my lap, before pulling away, and looking up, towards the sky. It was a rather foggy day still, so I wasn’t able to see how the sun affected them, and Eridan seemed pleased with that.

“Sol’, w-would you like to go on a w-walk w-with me?”

I looked around, still shell-shocked from the fact that the fucker broke into my house, and now they expected me to walk with them, when there was no trail in sight.

“Uh… where?”

They only blinked, possibly wondering if I was serious, before holding the hand with my guitar out to the possibly miles of forest surrounding my uncle’s home. They then raised a brow at me, to see if I understood what they were getting at. 

I did, and wanted to out-right refuse. Mostly because I was a pussy, and didn’t bother going there on my own. The only ones that occasionally did were my aunt and cousin - Nepeta, that is. The rest of us were happier sitting at home, not staining our jeans with streaks of grass, or whatever the coloring was called.

Still, we had so much time to kill - hours, in fact, and Eridan gave an expecting glance. I had no choice, and if it came down to it, I had someone who could take down an entire bear with me.

I climbed out of the car, fixing my parka, before reaching for my guitar, and taking it from Eridan’s hands. I closed the door behind me, and only gave a casual, shit-eating grin.

“Yeah, sure. Trying to drown out the sounds of my awful playing, right?”

“Precisely.”

The walk to the forest was swift, Eridan moving fluidly and effortlessly - whilst I half-tripped over branches and roots I hadn’t noticed existed, and them turning back every second or so to look at me, and make sure I was still alive. It was more irritating than they aimed for, I assumed, but the sentiment was infuriating.

The forest was shrouded by green, as if the air was able to be colored. I’d never been here before, mostly because I didn’t care for greenery and trees, but we followed the small trail of footsteps mostly covered by the dirt and fallen leaves, keeping quiet. I didn’t question much, half assuming Eridan already had an idea of where we were going, and I didn’t have a say in it.

They instinctively ducked over nearby branches, and I only hit my head on one, giving a small groan, before taking the hint - notice your surroundings, dumbass.

“Hav-ve you been here before?”

Their voice cut through the silence suddenly, drifting me away from my thoughts, and into reality. They were facing me now - we’d stopped under a particularly large tree - one with enough length to properly shade from the sun, if it were to decide to suddenly make an appearance. I turned to look behind me, and the house wasn’t visible anymore, only what seemed to be miles of green and brown behind me, and endless miles ahead of us. Eridan seemed satisfied with where they led me, looking around themselves.

“No, actually. I don’t… really like forests. Or nature.”

“You certainly made a bad choice mov-vin’ ov-ver here, then.”

I gave a half smile, taking a seat against the trunk of the thick, old tree we’d stopped at, and resting the guitar on my lap. I looked down at it, and then ran my fingers along the base of the forest floor, taking notice of the obnoxiously, unnaturally green grass, and the little mushrooms seeming to break through the grass. Along it all, sparse, muddy and red patches of dirt poked through, staining my jeans, and boots.

“I don’t regret it.”

Eridan didn’t look back towards me, instead looking at the far distance intently. They blinked once, eyes wide and intense, and I looked in the direction in a vain attempt to try and see - I was obviously met with forest, thick and green, and muddy, red-brown trunks and patches of dirt. I only exhaled, looking up to the sky instead, and frowning at the lack of sunlight. It was dark, grey, and foggy - and while this was ideal for Eridan, it only worked to bum me out. I gave an experimental strum, with my thumb, looking idly towards the other half of the worn-down trail in front of me.

“W-What are you goin’ to play?”

I didn’t actually know. They were facing me now, giving a wondering glance, features clouded by the darkness, but their alabaster skin still shining through. It was odd, actually. It was odd how amazingly ethereal they looked whilst covered in shadows. I was sure I looked a mess, muddy and grey, but they managed to look like they’d just finished a cover-shoot of some sort. Maybe if I blinked, I’d catch them posing for an undercover photographer.

It was a childish comparison, and everyday I swore I was past this - realizing how truly beautiful they were, and how they didn’t need to sit in an obnoxiously green forest with me while I strummed off chords, when they could be with anyone else. I didn’t deserve it, and I wasn’t sure I ever would.

I took a long, heavy breath, staring at the trees in front of me, not really wanting to speak anymore. The air was thick, almost too thick, and it only worked to make my head hurt, and eyes ache behind my glasses.

“I don’t really know, just fucking around right now.”

“It sounds nice.”

I gave a nod, and then strummed a single chord, exhaling quietly, before following with another. I didn’t bother looking up, but felt Eridan’s eyes on me, and tried to focus on the task at hand.

As my fingers reached to strum the third chord, I heard a rustling, and quickly looked up. Eridan wasn’t beside me anymore, and I half panicked - before looking forward and up, doing a double take when I noticed them standing on a tree’s branch, one arm wrapped around the trunk, whilst they crouched down towards me, staring at me with wide, butterscotch eyes.

“I w-was uncomfortable. You may continue.”

I almost gave a snarky reply, but shook my head, and instead played a familiar melody, slowed and drawn out.

First an Em, then an Am, and then repeat. I opened my mouth to speak, but my breath only hitched, fingers stuttering. I inhaled slowly, keeping them moving the tune in repeat, slow and steady, trying to act as if Eridan wasn’t there. As if I was alone.

Em, Am, and then B7.

Repeat, and exhale.

Within a minute or so I felt calmer, comfortable. My fingers started at the tune again, and instinctively, I opened my mouth.

“When does it get quiet?”

A rhetorical question, something I’d never have the answer to. I wasn’t sure of my voice, but kept it drawn, melodic.

“Time was supposed to… extinguish the desire - but,” I inhaled, as my fingers strummed a G, and then a major. They moved back to the Em, to repeat it once again. “...the embers won’t snuff out.”

I repeated the first two chords twice, not daring to look up, but instead cracking a small grin at the endless possibilities of Eridan’s current reaction.

“Haunted by your smiles, the mask keeps getting heavier…”

I drew out the last word, hesitating over the chords, keeping my eyes closed.

“One step forward, two steps back.”

Still, I felt more confident with where this was going, and kept Eridan in my mind, instead of my range of sight.

“There’s a noose ‘round my neck, and the further I get, it’s harder and harder to breathe.”

Another G and major, and another shaky breath.

“Can I find a way to cut the rope?”

I thought of Eridan’s eyes, the threatening gold that surrounded his pupils, and the simple fact that clouded over us as we pushed it away in naive deniability.

“I’ve been waiting for dawn, but the light is gone,”

They’d kill me, one way or the other.

Still, as my fingers ghosted over the majors, the familiar chords that made up the melody, something other than that terrified me.

“Don’t know if I’m already blind…”

I’d be thankful, for anyway they decided to destroy my existence.

“Can I leave it all behind?”

I felt my throat tighten, fingers suddenly cold, and face red. I was anxious - nervous, possibly of being so vulnerable. Still, I continued, if not only to calm myself.

“What’s it really for, if it’s not yours, and it’s not mine?”

Another inhale, and another strum.

“This victory isn’t what I hoped for - how was I supposed to know that everything would end up like this? Survival of the fittest… of sorts.”

I bit back a sarcastic chuckle at the pure irony of the last lyric, instead shaking my head, and moving my fingers back upwards, to repeat the melody over.

“So I’ve become the bringer of death, a lover of life,”

My fingers strummed the majors again, as I struggled to keep my eyes closed, and focus only on the song.

“The one who guards from the dark of the night - I’ll be the hammer of war,”

I moved my fingers back to Am, and repeated the melody.

“Justice and mercy don’t live side by side, so in retribution, I abide. I’ll tip the scale to justice’s end - but can it make amends?”

My mind went back to Eridan. I wasn’t sure what led me to sing these certain lyrics, strum these precise chords. I wasn’t sure what exactly led me to follow them, and end up here. I wasn’t sure of any of it - but I couldn’t be angry at it. I couldn’t be angry at how they only quietly acknowledged my existence, and how they still seemed to enjoy every moment we spent together.

“Kill or be killed… what a way to live, and die.”

I felt a sense of pity for them, a small surge of emotion strong enough to override my common sense, even though their entire being - personality and appearance, were meant to be despised. They were perfect, too perfect, yet jaded at the edges, and I felt… okay, knowing I was the only one they’d let see that.

“I just can’t see this cycle ever ending,” I moved my fingers an inch faster, but stretched the B7 and Em, keeping my voice low, and steady. “How can I correct the damage done, when I can’t feel the consequences of my recourse?”

I finally opened my eyes as I repeated the melody, not looking up, but instead focusing on the guitar. Another breath, and a half-smile.

“So I’ve become the bringer of death, a lover of life, the one who guards from the dark of the night. I’ll be… the hammer of war,”

My fingers instinctively moved faster, strumming out an Em and Am - and then a major effortlessly, even as they shaked, and I trembled. It was colder than usual, yet I felt comfortable. I was okay with where I was at, even if I had the creature that’d bring my demise eventually staring at me from a tree, and I was just sitting, and playing my guitar.

“I’ve been waiting for dawn, but the light is all gone - don’t know if I’m already blind.”

I kept my eyes low as I slowed my fingers, taking a small breath, and then exhaling.

“Can I… leave it all behind?”

I inhaled once, and then exhaled once again. I repeated the melody twice more, each time slower, until it drifted into silence. I sat there, staring at my trembling hands and the guitar on my lap, before blinking once, and giving a sheepish smile. I was half-scared to look up, so I waited a bit longer, before finally doing so.

We maintained eye contact, Eridan’s face stoic - entirely stiff, and eyes thin yet dilated. I was a bit anxious of it all, fingers itching to just play some tune so I’d have something else to focus on, but as I reached for my guitar they blinked, lips breaking into a genuine, wide, toothy smile. They gave a half-laugh, and even though the situation was awkward, and it was meant to sound awkward, it felt heavy, and beautiful, all at once.

They quickly stood onto the tree, before taking a step forward, off of it, and then… within a split-second, standing right in front of me. I didn’t have time to react, or even stand up to catch them, but I wasn’t really shocked by how fast they walked. I’d accepted how strange they were, and it… I was okay with it. It was okay.

I stood up to meet them, grabbing the guitar, and lowering a hand to shake off my jeans, in a vain attempt to try and clean them off. They were fated to the washing machine, and judging by Eridan’s glance downwards, we were both aware of it.

Still, the jeans didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered right now, and Eridan only gave a subtle shake of their head, before breaking into another toothy… fangy, smile, wide and genuine. They kept their distance, which I was grateful for. 

“That w-was… lov-vely.”

I raised my free hand to scratch at my neck, slumping downwards some and giving a sheepish smile, face flustered with embarrassment.

“It’s just a th-song, really.”

Eridan only shook their head, and pursed their lips.

“It w-was beautiful, Sollux. But-”

They broke into a sudden frown, eyes flashing from happy to sad, even remorseful. They were brooding once again, and I only sighed.

“It was just a song, okay? Don’t read into it.”

It wasn’t just a song, and we both knew it. Eridan knew what I meant as much I did, only they cared about my life. I didn’t.

Still, my tone stated that this conversation was over, and they only exhaled once, before looking off into the distance - where’d they’d been staring at earlier, and smiling faintly.

“What… are you looking at?”

It was a bit nosey, but I was admittedly concerned. Just a little.

“It’s a slight clearin’, I just think it looks relaxin’.”

I squinted, trying to spot what they were looking at, before huffing. They were lucky to have that sort of vision, and I frowned bitterly as I tried leaning forward like a child.

“You w-won’t see it, it’s far off. But… it’s sunny, so I’d rather not go.”

That was fair, but I only crossed my arms, huffing, guitar still in my hand. Eridan turned to me, and tsk’ed, before cracking a grin.

“W-We’ll go later, I promise, for now-w, I… think the forest is startin’ to giv-ve me a headache.”

“You don’t get headaches.”

“Hush. Let’s head back.”

They held out their hand towards mine, and I took it happily. They walked this time at my pace, keeping me steady as we headed back, so I wouldn’t hit my head or trip on my feet again. The walk back was more thorough - enjoyable, Eridan moving slowly, more normally, and occasionally quizzing me on questions they deemed important. I knew most - if not all of the answers to them, which made them stutter and spout, before accusing me of having cheated early.

When we finally made it back, it’d been two hours or so since we’d left, and my cousins had come home already. It was late - at least for Eridan, and they gave a small smile, and held tightly onto my hand for a split second, before getting into their car, and watching me walk into my house. By the time I went to the window in the living room to look out, they’d already driven off, leaving no sign that they were ever there.

I was exhausted. I went straight to my room, setting the guitar aside, and kicking off the boots and parka - which I hanged onto a coat rack - and hopping onto my bed, opening the laptop I’d left on the nightstand, and digging through notifications.

I checked my student E-mail, adding any other members of my class who’d installed the app, before finally responding to Aradia.

By the time it was sunset, I was utterly exhausted, signing off of my computer, and setting it aside, before laying on my back, and staring at the ceiling.

There was a big fault in my code, and an utter complication.

I was in love with Eridan Maryam.

I was in love with the very thing that would kill me, and I had no problem with this.

I slept dreamlessly that night, tossing and turning every single time the rain panged against the panelling of the house, making my window creak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While the story-line takes place in 2008-2010 I couldn't help using this song. It's actually beautiful. It's 'The Guardian' by Shawn James ^.^


	13. Balancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter far more than I expected to.

Waking up was the hardest part of the morning. I sat up with a groggy groan, eyes refusing to open in exchange for a few more moments of sleep, and my brain scrambling in a vain attempt to try and remember what I’d done yesterday - and then cringe, in an attempt to forget it all. I couldn’t say I regretted it… but I felt like a guitar-wielding douche, the same boys with the side-bangs and acoustic guitars I’d mocked in middle school.

Worst of all was the fact that I’d have to get up eventually, and not dwell on it and cringe and groan - as much as I’d like to - because Eridan aside, I was sure my aunt and uncle wouldn’t be very happy with another day spent at home, or skipping. I had all of tomorrow to spend with Eridan, and I wasn’t going to risk it all over my self-loathing, and growing list of regrets.

I had all of Sunday to spend on that.

  
  


I stood up and finally managed to open my eyes, giving them a good rub, and then reaching over to my bed-side table to grab the glasses resting on them, and put them right on. My bedroom looked a mess now that I had the time and focus to look at it - piles of dirty clothes I couldn’t remember throwing aside, and two empty cigarette boxes sitting on the seat part of the window, with a half-full one beside it. I was half-tempted, but somehow couldn’t get past the morning breath collecting at my throat and decided against it. 

Instead, I grabbed the boxes and chucked them into the first drawer of the bed-side table. My aunt didn’t seem the type to pry as much, but I didn’t want to bother risking it, or have to fry off my brain-cells making an excuse the both of them would believe.

  
  


The morning wasn’t really eventful, between showering and doing the daily routine - medicine, breakfast, take out the trash, go upstairs to grab your things and head out - in that order. I was in more of a mood to get out than I’d expected, especially with the distaste for it all this morning… er, distaste for myself, but still. As much as I’d enjoyed Eridan’s company these past days, it was a lucky break that today was warm and nice. The sun felt nice - a warm freshness against my skin, and they’d need to prepare for tomorrow, so I couldn’t find it in me to complain.

Karkat didn’t say much the entire drive to school. He seemed fine, a little grumpy if anything, but well… that was Karkat, after all. Nepeta had taken a few days off of school (with her father’s apparent permission) to stay at Equius’s and lend a hand while he got better. He’d come down with mono or something of the sort, which was kind of funny, but when Karkat and I asked about where (or who) exactly he’d gotten it from Nepeta only sighed. She was pretty upset by it all, which only made me drop the entire situation faster, and try to move past it. Getting mono in high-school was practically a rite of passage, and Equius would be fine.

  
  


When my head wasn’t focused on my cousin’s best-friend it fell onto Eridan, and the ridiculous thought of what we’d do tomorrow, what other trick they had up their sleeves, and whether or not they’d convince me to do something else stupidly embarrassing.

I found myself having the weirdest thought processes - debating on whether or not I’d catch a glimpse of them rushing through the strings of trees we drove by - before shaking my head, and running a head through my overgrown curls. 

I was growing to be absolutely insane, and attached to someone I should’ve by all ounce of logic despised. Our biology was different, the chemical composition of their brain opposite to mine, they spoke with eloquent sentences and dimpled cheeks… I spoke with city-ridden slang, and my overbite jutting out. It was almost debauchery - the fact that they looked at me in a way other than a king would their servant - but even through all the instincts to despise them and drag their alabaster face through the pavement, throughout all the deeply buried reactions my middle-school self would have had towards them, I was drawn to it all. The difference in status, appearance, pure  _ biology _ managed to excite me, and with excitement came the bile crawling up my esophagus, and the shaky fingers.

It was debauchery, through and through.

This would never work, and I was likely nothing more than a juice-box to them.

I could work with that.

  
  


Karkat suddenly parked and shut off the car, reaching to the backseat to grab his bag before promptly opening the door and stepping out, and then closing it behind him unceremoniously. I quietly wondered what was his problem, but didn’t have enough time to ask before he walked off, leaving me behind to grab my own things, and get out. I decided against trying to catch up and see what was wrong, seeing as he likely wasn’t in the mood, and I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to care enough about it all, with my focus almost entirely on Eridan, and tomorrow.

I stepped out quickly, pulling on the jacket I’d taken with me and slinging my bag over my shoulder. I half-debated on putting headphones in for the look - all mysterious and edgy, but it wasn’t worth it, and I already had an internal battle over coming off as a pretentious douche the day prior. Adding more fuel to the fire would only work to make me even more miserable, and I wasn’t ready for that amount of responsibility.

  
  
  


The walk to class went by fast, and classes went by even faster. English was spent making an excuse for an essay I hadn’t bothered turning in, and Government was spent scribbling notes in morse code behind the paper, and giving an awkward nod when Mrs. Peixes called out my name in the middle of class. Trig was easier, Spanish was just bearable, even without my cousin to keep me company. I kept to myself most of the day, focused on my own head rather than the work being taught. It was oddly comforting - how easy the day had been passing, and how casual it all seemed.

  
  


During lunch, I considered sitting at the table Eridan and I had shared prior but instead gave into Feferi’s enthusiastic waves towards me, taking a seat beside her and reaching to jam the straw into the cheap little juice container the school gave out, and took a long, drawn out sip. It barely fit into my hands, and I was finished with it within seconds.

I overhead some of the current conversation - Tavros was talking about the latest flu going around, and the fact that his cousin had gotten it recently. Was that the ‘mono’ Equius had gotten? I made a mental note to ask Nepeta about it eventually.

Feferi didn’t care enough to listen, instead far more focused on my return to the scene - slamming her hands on the table to get Tavros, Karkat, Terezi, Dave, John… and Vriska’s (that’s new), attention, and then giving a little innocent smile when they all reasonably turned to her with annoyed glances.

“You guys,” she started her sentence eagerly, not letting her voice waver at their reactions. “Sollux is back!”

I blinked at their reactions, not really expecting much other than the awkward silence, considering the fact that I’d left the group almost too easily.

Terezi was the first to speak after a few moments that felt like minutes, giving a wide smile, and a small, awkward-yet-not laugh.

Or - well, she would have been, if Dave hadn’t quickly cut her off, mumbling against the bottle of juice - apple? fucking prick - pressed against his lips.

“About damn time,”

Feferi reached over to quickly slap his arm, but I didn’t mind it much, instead rolling my eyes, and set the empty carton in my hand down.

“Just for today.”

I considered looking over to the empty table for dramatic effect, pissing him off some more, but Terezi’s voice finally cut the silence, with all it’s nasally glory.

“Actually, we were just talking about going to the movies, Sollux!”

“We were?”

Karkat’s half-offended, half-annoyed voice was next as I actually looked off to the empty Maryam table for a few seconds, before it turned into full-blown staring. Time almost seemed to slow for those few seconds, and I didn’t break back into reality until Feferi gave me a small tap to my side.

“...id you want to go?”

“Fuck, what?”

I turned to the group as I shook my head subtly, blinking at Terezi, and then cringing, and reaching up to pinch my temples.

“I… was asking if you wanted to go to the movies, with the rest of us.”

Her voice was genuine, not bordering on any romantic implications, and it was actually rather refreshing. I felt myself give a smile at it, and open my mouth to respond - before Vriska decided on the same thing.

“So he can stare at his little freak the entire time? Count me out.”

Karkat was next, though he wasn’t as much of a dick about it.

“I have to help my dad out at the church, so I can’t really go.”

“Okay, bible-fucker.”

“Fuck you, it’s got an interesting plot.”

I rolled my eyes at Karkat and Dave’s bickering, and gave a sympathetic nod to Terezi.

  
  


In the end, only Terezi, Dave, Feferi, and I agreed to go to the movies on Wednesday next week, which was a good way to hang out with some friends, and convince my aunt and uncle I had some sort of social life, and wasn’t an anti-social freak twiddling my thumbs anxiously… even though that was exactly what I was.

Biology was lackluster, and I tried my best to pay attention to it, not over Eridan’s concern towards my education… of course. It was just an interesting subject, obviously.

  
  


Gym seemed like a safe haven, the end to an overall average day, and a few hours closer to spending an entire day with Eridan. I found myself walking faster to it, even happier - almost slamming the gym doors open, and changing within minutes.

I wasn’t as worried for my own skin - my classmates had learned to stop trusting me with throws and catches, so I almost always stayed to the side, watching them all do their thing, and counting down the minutes. 

Someone handed me a racket, and then the coach ordered us to pair into teams, and Tavros was already beside me before I was able to notice, giving me a little dopey smile.

“Want to be a team?”

I didn’t care enough to be annoyed with his obvious liking for me, instead actually worried for his choosing of me, especially in gym.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“It’s okay! I’ll… uh, keep them out of your way?”

I gave a grateful nod, before feeling myself smile. He was so nice sometimes, and in a sort of alternative dimension, I could see myself liking him. It was certainly easy, and it was hard not to.

  
  


Class didn’t go as smoothly as either of us hoped, and somehow managed to get hit in the side with a rogue ball, and then smack Tavros on the head with the racket in the same swing, landing us both in the back corner of the court, sitting on the bleachers with a bag of ice against my side, and Tavros holding another bag to his forehead.

Even with me accidentally handicapping him he still kept a positive attitude, cracking odd jokes and making conversations as he laid on the bleachers, both our rackets sitting beside us. Tavros was into Peter Pan, bull-fighting, and DnD with Vriska in that exact order, and it was interesting to hear about how his dad - our English teacher, Mr. Nitram, - had been a professional bull-fighter in California for a few years, before retiring down to Forks in his thirties, and meeting his mother.

It was actually an entertaining conversation, even with Tavros being a little too concerned over my own business.

  
  


“So,”

His voice trailed off after our conversation quietly ended, and I found myself responding.

“So..?”

“You and Maryam, huh?”

His tone was prying, almost douche-ish, and my feelings of affection almost instantly decided to disappear into thin air.

“I… guess?”

I decided to keep my cool over it all, and act casual. This worked to only put a frown on Tavros’ face.

“I don’t like it.”

“Luckily, it’s not for you to like.”

I responded fast, almost snapped, and Tavros cringed, before sighing, and sitting up to face me.

“They look at you like… you’re something to eat.”

I quickly blinked at that, and tried to ignore the bile crawling up my throat in favor of standing up, and grabbing the racket.

“Woah- woah, fuck, it’s just an opinion!”

Tavros’ hands went up defensively, and I raised a confused brow, before looking down at the racket held tightly in my hand, and then the ice-bag at their forehead. Then I put two and two together, and gave a laugh, because  _ holy shit. _

“Wait, fuck dude, I’m not going to smack you with this?”

“Oh thank God, I was worried you… uh, got upset about that.”

“What you said? No, it’s cool, I hadn’t really noticed.”

Tavros only nodded at my awkward explanation, seeming somewhat relieved, and I took the chance to walk off, setting the racket in the bin, and stepping back into the locker room to change, and head out.

  
  


I walked to the parking lot, grateful to finally be able to go home. Once I reached the truck, I went to open it before realizing it was locked, and waiting beside it for Karkat. He showed up within minutes, and then gave me a sheepish smile, before Terezi showed up behind him, looking up at me, and then turning to look at Karkat.

“Are we dropping him off?”

“No, uh- fuck, Sollux. I’m going to go with Terezi to… fix my car, Nepeta wants to pick you up. Equius wants to see you, or some shit.”

I was confused, but Karkat’s tone stated that I really didn’t have a choice in any of this, so I sort of nodded, and then stepped back.

“Oh, cool. Hope you guys figure out whatever’s wrong with the truck..?”

Terezi gave a laugh at my response as she climbed into the passenger seat, mumbling out a ‘we will,’ before closing the door, and then Karkat backed away, and the car was gone.

  
  


This was fine. I shoved my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, walking over to the front of the school, and leaning against the brick as I stared ahead, not really focused on anything in particular, except for the fact that it was still sunny.

Between staring longingly ahead and waiting, I’d slipped my headphones in and pressed shuffle, listening absentmindedly to the music that played, until a dark car came into view, and then parked right in front of me. It was a smaller truck than Karkat’s, but sleeker, more… modern, but not quite. It was nice to look at, and not as much of an eye-sore as the Volvo, which was always nice. The driver-seat window rolled down quickly, revealing Nepeta’s face, and a… healthy, looking Equius beside her, except something looked off.

I took the hint and moved to sit in the backseat, a bit uncomfortable because my legs just didn’t fit, but other than that, it was fine.

The two of them were quiet for a long while… until finally, I broke the silence, awkwardly speaking while leaning against the window.

  
  


“So… Karkat and Terezi are a thing again?”

“Seems like it, honestly. Y’never know with those two.”

Nepeta’s voice was snappier, almost dismissive, but I chose to ignore it, instead trying to get past the rest of this entirely strange situation. Equius turned to me, seeming to take note of my discomfort, and I finally realized what was so off about his face - his hair was let down now, black as an oil slick and falling down to almost his mid-back… or longer. Not only that, but he was wearing sunglasses… a dusty little old pair, which was rather odd, but not strange.

I knew strange very well.

“Don’t worry, Sollux. We’re just going fishing, but we can drop you off beforehand, if you’d like.”

A part of me wanted to hang out with them, and spend the day. Especially after seeing Nepeta’s reaction to my instant smile at the thought of being dropped off at home - it felt stupid, feeling upset with the fact that I’d upset my cousin. However, I knew that wasn’t the case, and I knew there was a reason Equius offered to dismiss me, and Nepeta seemed to be against it.

A certain statement flashed in mind, and I blinked, shaking my head to try and shrug it off.

_ "Ah, she believes it all more than I do... I suppose it's because she's religious.” _

She wouldn’t openly oppose it, she’d known me my whole life and knew that’d make me uncomfortable, but instead she’d act like she wanted me to go, and guilt-trip me into it.

_ "...she believes it all more than I do.” _

Luckily for her, I had no impulse control, and wanted to get to the bottom of this.

“No, it’s cool. I’m good at fishing, I think.”

The smile that flashed across Nepeta’s face as she drove almost made it worth it.

“I’m still telling dad you’re driving unsupervised with your permit.”

However, wiping it off was better.

* * *

  
  


The fishing grounds my dad and uncle used to go to seemed further than usual, though the only memories I had of it were literal years ago. The drive was twenty minutes or more, filled with idle chatter and the soft thumping of music on the radio, before we finally passed by La Push, and arrived at what seemed to be a little river shrouded by trees, with greyish pebbles lining the ground, and the evergreen permanent filter this town seemed to have lingering in the sky. 

Nepeta parked and stepped out of the car, heading over to the pack of the truck, and Equius followed. I sat for a few minutes, trying to actually remember how to line a hook and go about this without making a fool of myself before zipping off my jacket, and setting it aside. I was likely going to fall in and get wet, and I wanted at least one single dry article of clothing. I got out of the car unceremoniously, following them with my hands in my pocket as Nepeta carried the cooler and tool-box, and Equius handled the rods. There were actually three that they took with them, and it made me somewhat happy, knowing I was invited.

When they reached the area they wanted to stay at and set everything down I pretended to finally notice the count, and act all flattered.

“Aw, you guys wanted me to come with you? That’s cute.”

My voice was sort of lispy, but obnoxious, and Equius gave a small grin which Nepeta’s scoff vastly differed from.

“Please, you always need a replacement.”

  
  


I actually did remember how to properly line a hook, much to my own surprise. While handling a rod was more difficult than I’d anticipated with my newfound height, Equius’s enthusiasm and Nepeta’s insults helped me figure it out, and within an hour or two we were all spread along and actually having a good time while fishing, which usually seemed insane to me. Nepeta and Equius were talking about insiders and people I had no idea existed, only occasionally asking me about my opinion on some debate they were having, but I didn’t feel left out by any means. It was relaxing, especially with the weather, and it was strange to know that Equius apparently had mono, and was just breaking a massive fever.

I didn’t question it though, because… like most all things, I felt it was better off not knowing. I almost didn’t even care enough to pry about why exactly Nepeta seemed to want me to come, actually enjoying myself, and their quips and tangents. 

  
  


Then something pulled back against my rod and I felt myself lurch forwards, losing my balance and dropping it down onto the ground as I myself fell on my ass into the river, and in between Nepeta’s laughing and me trying to get myself back up Equius quickly reached for it, grabbing it and reeling back roughly, before the line actually came up above the water, with a decently big tannish fish and spotted fish hanging onto it, the hook tip jutting out of its mouth.

He held it up and turned it to me as I finally stood up, a small smile on his face, and aside from the smell I found myself actually smiling back, albeit awkwardly. My ass still hurt, and my side did too.

“You… er, you caught a trout.”

Equius was sheepish about it all, and I almost wish I had sunglasses as well, seeing as it made him almost look casual. He turned to unhook the fish and set it in the cooler before fixing my rod as Nepeta only rolled her eyes, looking at the both of us with an actual genuine grin on her face.

“ _ You _ , caught the trout. Sollux caught the floor.”

I gave her a glare as I cringed at my soaked jeans, before grabbing the rod once Equius was done with it, and going back to fishing - this time, actually trying to focus on it all.

  
  


By the time we were all done it’d been at least four hours, and I felt a comforting buzzing along my skin, the tell-tale sign of a proper tan forming. It wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, and whilst I didn’t bother asking about Eridan, or Equius’s condition, I still had a good time, and a decent amount of fish to bring home, as a sort of proof that I’d gone out, and done something interesting. My side and ass were still sore, but my jeans were dry now, which was nice. They’d definitely still need to be washed… eventually.

Equius was bringing the stuff back to the car when I stepped to the side for a quick smoke break, considering I had a few minutes to spare. I hadn’t noticed Nepeta’s presence beside me until she made herself known, humming right as I inhaled - causing me to choke on my breath and the smoke, and cough it straight out, as well as hacking up both of my lungs in the process - or at least it felt like it. 

She seemed satisfied with this, and let me finish, before I finally stood up straight again, and raised an actually, for once, irritated brow at her.

“What do you want?”

Her stare practically asked if I was stupid, but I waited for her to speak in case something else was up. She wasn’t trying to choke me on my own cigarette anymore, so that was a nice improvement.

“How… serious are you and that Eridan kid?”

Nepeta almost sounded sheepish, embarrassed, and I was taken aback by the question, not really figuring she’d care, or give a fuck about it anymore. I wasn’t sure to answer either, and I didn’t know how much she knew, or believed.

“I think it’s seriouth.”

My lisp wasn’t as good as hiding away, and it showed my nervousness right away, but I tried my best to push past it, for my own sake. I inhaled, and tapped the ashes away, before exhaling.

“I figured,” She sighed, and shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket, before opening her mouth to speak, and then shaking her head. She seemed conflicted, and I didn’t know about what - or rather, I wanted to be clueless of it all. “...you’re not stupid, Sollux. They’re dreamy, sure, super attractive and I’m sure you’re the it-boy now for getting a chance at them, but they’re… not good for you. And... I’m not… Equius really likes you. He’s an actual good dude, and not some… whatever.”

She seemed to want to say more, but looked up, catching my irritated expression and shut her mouth, brows furrowed, and eyes shifting to worried.

I tried to not look so annoyed or bothered by this, but the sharp inhale, and crushing of my cigarette under my boot didn’t help my cause, nor did the shaking of my head.

“You don’t know them.”

“I don’t want to argue over this. Just… think about it.”

Nepeta’s tone almost made me want to - honestly. She seemed concerned, caring, but a stronger part of me refused to hear any of it, not bothering to look back at her, instead walking back, past the cluster of thick trees, towards the car, and past Equius.

I felt like a drama queen as I opened the door, got in, and almost slammed it behind me, but couldn’t help it - my limbs felt tight, and my head felt hot. Above all, I was so… so tired, and the good mood from prior was all but gone, and now filled with utter annoyance.

Equius quickly got into the car, sitting in the passenger seat and looking back at me, so concerned and caring it made my head throb further, and for his own sake I focused out the window and ignored him. Nepeta got in not even a minute after, mumbling a little ‘he’s just tired,’ before backing away, and driving off.

  
  


The ride to the house was quiet, relaxing enough to where I felt a bit calmer, less pissed, but didn’t bother saying goodnight to either of them as I stepped out with my things in tow, closing the door behind me and heading up the porch steps quickly - almost as if my life depended on it, or rather I was so stressed I just wanted to slam it and throw everything in a ten mile radius from me down, and watch it shatter.

That’d get me kicked out though… so instead, I stepped inside the house and closed the door behind me, letting my bag fall to the floor with a sigh, setting the fish in the sink, hesitating because  _ what if nobody knew it’d be there, _ before instead chucking it in the freezer. I’d focus on it eventually, when my head was less full, and not about to explode. I dug through the cabinets before finally finding a tylenol and downing it with water, and then another, just to be sure.

  
  


I felt a little calmer by the time I was in my bedroom, backpack in tow. I set it down again, and finally opened it, actually deciding to make work of the homework I’d slacked on for weeks on end now. It was a little more than comforting, and I actually enjoyed doing homework - I just lacked the discipline to force myself to sit down and do it. However, I obviously knew what I was doing, because by the time I was practically finished with the stock-pile of short essays and equations it was late enough to sleep, and my head had finally shut up for once, instead deciding to ignore Nepeta, and Equius’... crush. He was attractive, sure, but the horse-talk wasn’t.

  
  


It was almost too easy to chuck off my pants and t-shirt, turn off my lights and bunch up my bed-sheets around myself, snuggling up into my pillow, eager to finally get some sleep - and then there was light, rhythmic knocking at my window, and I gave an annoyed groan into my pillow, before realizing there was  _ knocking at my window, which was on the attic. _

I fought the urge to just stay in bed, instead sitting up and looking at it, and then pulling my glasses back on, and looking at it. The knocking had stopped, and the window was still closed, which wasn’t that weird, I supposed.

It was likely a stray branch, or a stupid bird tapping at whatever they saw, but it wasn’t enough to get me out of bed. However, looking forward was.

  
  


I suppressed a… high scream, and instead only blinked at the pale face across my bedroom, and the fire-red hair framing it, and the… golden eyes looking right back at me.

We held a little personal staring contest for what seemed like an hour, before I finally opened my mouth, and then closed it, not really knowing what to say.

  
  


“I had to talk to you.”

Eridan spoke first, and I somehow felt thankful for that, because I was sure I’d say something ridiculously stupid, and get myself killed. This was already an awkward situation as is.

“Go ahead.”

“Tomorrow. My house.”

“Oh?”

“My family, they’d like to meet you.”

“Oh.”

“Are you alright w-with that?”

“Uh… th-sure.”

“Excellent, I’ll pick you up at noon.”

“Noon. As in-”

“Tw-welv-ve.”

“Okay, noon.”

“Perfect.”

  
  


They stayed pressed to my dresser even as the conversation ended, and I gawked at them, entirely confused, and a bit… entertained by it all. The logical thing to do would’ve been to yank them into bed with me, some romantic bull-shit I would have done with any other partner, but I was already in the dog-house over the stunt I’d pulled in the hall-way, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to test Eridan’s patience.

I also wasn’t sure that was the best way to vent out my frustrations of the day, though younger me disagreed.

Attractive person in your bedroom, you had a bad day. You’re both staring, and there’s tension. Basic math over there, but Eridan wasn’t making any sudden movements, and neither was I.

  
  


When they finally took a step towards my bed I half-winced, mostly from the sudden shock of them moving, but they only took a seat at the edge of it, and I noticed how… bright their eyes were, practically canary yellow as they shone in the darkness of my bedroom, along with their skin. It was a drastic shift from the almost black, but it was strangely welcome.

“How-w w-was your day?”

And yet, even with what was so  _ obviously _ meant to happen, and how I should have reacted to an attractive person in my bedroom, I was so incredibly comfortable, and okay with just sitting and talking to them in between the dimness, with only their eyes illuminating the room.

We sat for hours, even in between the sounds of my cousin, and then my uncle and aunt going to bed, talking about my day, and then theirs, and the strange creatures they’d found while out hunting.

They had a little liking to snails especially, along with seahorses, and hearing them describe them was endearing enough, but having them lay against my side as they did it was better, and so utterly relaxing.

I didn’t feel myself falling asleep, the cool weight of them and sound of their voice as they rambled endlessly much better to focus on - and in turn they allowed me to hold them, cradle them like a child would a teddy-bear, giving little hums and half-assed statements in response.

My last memory was their fingers tangling into my hair, gently brushing it out before I fell asleep, perfectly okay.

  
  


I’d be meeting their family the next day, and they’d be back to pick me up at noon.

I wasn’t worried about the family part, as I wasn’t… dating them. Somehow, them leaving in the middle of the night seemed far, far worse than being the only human in a house of vampires. Luckily for myself, when they did leave, they did so after I was fast asleep, and positioned a cool pillow where they were sitting, even going as far as to wrap my arms around it how I’d been holding them.

  
  


When I woke up, it was early morning, and it was raining. I’d never once looked forward to the constant, loud, wet thudding against my window waking me up, or getting up from bed to pick out a half-decent outfit.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, he's meeting the family! :3


	14. The Maryams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pain. Writing this chapter brought me pain.

The muted light of yet another cloudy and wet day woke me, eliciting a small groan from my lips, that were… chapped. My chin felt sticky as well - had I drooled? I felt a rush of blood flow up to my cheeks at the thought, drooling and mumbling in my sleep whilst Eridan was holding me, how would they even - well, where were they?

I sat up slowly, feeling stiff around the bones, half wanting to crack my knuckles and pop the joints in my neck, but deciding against it as I pushed the pillow I was holding tightly aside and looking around. Little bits of our conversation yesterday… our  _ plans  _ came back into mind like pieces of a virtual puzzle game you’d given up on solving itself, and I felt a headache setting in at the mere pressure of it all. Pressing my hand to my forehead - it didn’t feel warm enough to classify as a fever, nor did I feel physically ill. I felt nervous, sweaty and anxious… but that was typical for me, another fault in my code. It was likely stemming from the fact that I’d agreed to meet a family of four… six, seven including my… not-partner, of vampires even though blood flowed through my veins, and my not-partner seemed to be very affected by the mere odor of my blood. I’d never been the best at making decisions, this entire situation was a simple example of that, but even if my life was clearly on the line - the idea of letting Eridan down seemed far worse, almost haunting. I couldn’t even try considering it, shoving it down like a bitter pill and trying to forget that I’d ever  _ dared  _ to consider upsetting them. 

It wasn’t very ideal, and even then I’d met my ex’s parents after I’d crashed her car into the mailbox (good-bye sweet, sweet license until I’m eighteen!) but Eridan’s family seemed polite enough, especially if my uncle enjoyed their presence so much, and defended them with tooth and nail.

This would be fine, and I would probably… not end up with an apple gagging my mouth, and seven very hungry vampires looming down on me, debating on who got the neck.

  
  


I gave a yawn as I reached up and stretched, not stopping until I felt the tell-tale crack, and the wave of relief rushing through. Standing up, I debated on what to wear, and if I’d even have enough clean clothes to have a proper selection - however, knowing me, I didn’t. True to word, when I checked the closet there was nothing exceedingly proper, nothing that yelled ‘I respect you all, and want to look great for you all,’ and I wouldn’t dare wear one of my old t-shirts to their house, or any of my dated jeans. I closed it with a groan, and rubbed at my temples.

Well… I could attempt wearing it, but I wasn’t sure I’d have a head left when Eridan got a good look at me, and I was growing to quite enjoy my head staying attached to my body.

  
  


After a long, thoughtful shower, I stepped back into my room, and checked the closet again.

  
  


I decided on a slightly tight but still fitting long-sleeved button up shirt that was more of a faded grey than yellow, leaving the top two buttons unbuttoned to make room for my neck, and so I wouldn’t look like that much of a pretentious prick, and my only pair of half-decent jeans - no belt, but sort of skinny, a black color that had slight grey patches where the washer hit it a tad too aggressively, and my seemingly only shoes. Worn-down yet comfortable hiking boots, with stains all along them that just added to the… look. Even with all of the measures I’d taken to not look so pretentious, so stuck-up… I still fit the role, looking like a half-exhausted college professor, and ran a shaky hand through my over-grown curls before sighing, and sitting down on my bed. I tried thinking about whether or not I’d risk my head and just put on a fucking t-shirt, but… I was meeting their  _ family _ , and while this felt like too much, it also felt so much more respectful.

I wasn’t making any sense anymore… which wasn’t new for me, truthfully. I stood up again after exhaling properly and trying to calm myself, digging my hands into the pockets of my jeans, and slumping down to look at myself in the mirror properly.

_ Why was I so nervous of this all? _

My thoughts seemed ridiculous, but they kept racing, even though… in theory, I looked just fine. The shirt fit nice, my neck wasn’t much too exposed, and the jeans went well with the boots. I hadn’t tucked in the shirt, thankfully. Instead - it looked casual, like I hadn’t a mental breakdown whilst picking it out. I felt myself smile at my own reflection, mostly out of pity for my poor… poor self. I wasn’t anything near what Eridan could achieve, my almost black eyes crinkled at the edges when I smiled - my nose wasn’t anywhere defined, and my lips were big… almost nice, but when I spoke they exposed my crooked teeth, and made my jaw seem strangely big. I smiled out of shame, out of instinct. They’d be bringing me to meet their family, and I’d be a pathetic, absurd way of humbling me.

  
  


“...ful.”

A small voice, barely a whisper, broke the silence and I practically jumped up, turning with wide eyes towards the corner of my room where’d come from, and stared at the tiny figure sitting on my dresser in shock, and then gave it wide eyes, blinking once… then twice.

“What the fuck?”

I couldn’t make words properly, a result of my confusion, and Eridan only crooked their head to the side for a split second, before realizing I was in fact a human, and not someone capable of hearing every single subtle movement in a twenty mile radius - or, well… that’s what I figured they realized, by their confused expression that quickly shifted into a warm smile. They didn’t speak however, but looked at me in a way that made me feel soft - comforted, even.

“You thp-spent the night?”

I felt almost forced to speak, start a conversation, so I did. Eridan only stared at me, an inviting smile pressed on their face, and I took the liberty to look up at their eyes, and practically sigh in relief. They were lighter now - if that was possible. A bright gold, impossibly bright color that almost unsettled me, if I hadn’t known what it meant.

“Almost, admittedly… but, I figured it’d be… much more prudent, to take some precautions.”

And not so surprisingly, I was correct. Eridan hopped off of my dresser in a graceful motion, as if their legs were those of a dancer, a ballerina. They took a step forward, and then… they were right beside me, as if they hadn’t been across the bedroom half a second ago. My human eyes could barely process how fast they moved, but now that they were so close I took notice of their attire, and felt incredibly underdressed, and embarrassed.

They were wearing darker colors, which was a welcomed change. It showed off the light of their skin and eyes much better, with their flaming copper hair standing out the most, wild waves pointing out in each direction - but still swept back in a way that made it seem intended. Still casual, and I still wanted to touch it, nonetheless. They had a thick, but still fitting black leather jacket, with what seemed to be a loosely knit white scarf covering their exposed clavicle, and chest - however, considering the same white fabric stuck out from where the jacket ended, it was probably a sweater. Their jeans put mine to shame - you could instantly tell they cost far more than I could ever dream of, but still seemed casual enough - black, and cut off at their mid-calf by leather boots that were definitely heeled, because they’d never reached my shoulder before.

The outfit was a stark contrast to their usual aesthetic, but it almost looked better on them. Made them look older, and made their eyes look sharper… though it was the wing of eyeliner, most likely.

  
  


Eridan cleared their throat, effectively ending my thought process, and then looked up at me with a toothy smile, before grabbing my hands in theirs, and squeezing them gently.

“Are you ready?”

Their voice was genuine, so incredibly soft, and even though I’d sworn I was used to it, I still felt the urge to get on my knees, and worship the ethereal creature in front of me. It wasn’t fair, the way their skin was practically marble, and if you looked close enough, you could see the swirls of the material. Their edges were jagged and crooked but  _ perfect _ , and I wanted nothing more than to kiss them, along every single jagged edge, and press my warm skin against their cool stone. However, that wasn’t appropriate, so I focused on the task at hand - vampires don’t eat, do they? I wasn’t really hungry, but I felt as though I should be respectful, and not force them to adhere to my human disadvantages. 

I squeezed Eridan’s hand in response, running my thumb along it gently, before giving them a grin.

“Want to see me hunt?”

They blinked at that, probably confused, before quickly pursing their lips, and giving a short, gentle nod.

  
  


Eridan watched intently as I fished out a bowl and cereal, serving myself it before pouring the milk in, and grabbing a spoon. They seemed genuinely curious, which managed to surprise me. Hadn’t they exiled themselves to an eternity of watching humans eat every week-day? I chewed slowly as I thought of it, before remembering how… bored they seemed the first time I’d seen them, and decided they likely just didn’t notice. That seemed to be a more plausible explanation, and not the creeping anxiety that debated whether or not I ate weird, or chewed strange.

They didn’t remove their eyes from me as I washed my plate, and filled a cup with tap-water, before dishing through the cabinet, and taking my arsenal of medicine. They blinked once as I chugged the water, and then exhaled when I washed the cup, dried it off, and set it aside. When I finally turned to face them - leaning against the sink by my hands, they stood up and walked towards me, stopping right in front of me. It was awkward… admittedly. Hadn’t our entire relationship thus far been awkward? I pondered on it, before discarding the thought and moving my arms to wrap them around Eridan, resting my head on their neck. The coolness was strangely comforting, soothing the heat in my head, and Eridan didn’t object. Instead, they wrapped their arms around me, holding me as close for a few seconds, before pulling away just as fast… but not breaking the distance.

Instead, they gave that same comforting smile, and reached for my hands, squeezing them gently.

“You’re ready?”

Was I? I’d put on the parka after remembering it was indeed raining, and I decided I’d just take it off when we got to their house. I was as nervous as ever, but the medicine helped subside any new nerves, and I gave them a sheepish smile.

“Yeah.”

  
  


Eridan seemed to remember our deal when we got to their car, unlocking it, but standing still, and letting me choose whether I’d like to drive, or be the passenger. I decided to let them, mostly because it’d just grow my nerves, and I’d rather my uncle not hear of me driving from any good samaritans. They seemed a bit surprised as I walked over to the passenger side and climbed in, but accepted it quickly, getting into their own seat, and pulling out of the drive-way quickly. Within a minute we were already on the main road, and driving away, but when they noticed my eyes glance at the speed meter, they gave a sheepish smile, and slowed down a bit.

“I’m sorry, I’ll try to go… slow-wer.”

I appreciated the gesture, but their presence managed to calm me, so right now, the speed of the car didn’t matter.

“It’s fine, honestly.”

“Nonsense.”

We drove quietly for a few minutes, but they went by slower the slower Eridan drove, combined with my own nerves. I felt awkward, and didn’t really know whether or not their family would like me - whether they were nice, or not. I felt forced to ask, if not only to  _ not _ step into a house of vampires with a racing heart.

“Tell me about your family.”

It wasn’t a command, but more of a suggestion, and Eridan turned to raise a brow at me.

“W-What w-would you like to know-w?”

Truthfully, I didn’t know. I was sure there was so much to know of them, but I didn’t want to push too far, or be intrusive.

“Whatever? Just… tell me about them.”

“W-Well…” Eridan paused to turn back to the road, and then shrugged. “Gamzee is our new-west v-vegetarian, he hasn’t been raised the w-way w-we all w-were, so please do not be offended if he seems tense, or strange. He means w-well.”

I tried thinking back to all of them, and realized I didn’t exactly know who was who. 

“Gamzee, that’s the one with the curly ponytail, right?”

“Yes! He has insisted on keepin’ it long, but I suppose it does suit him.”

Eridan instantly lightened up as they spoke of their family, and it was certainly infectious. I smiled at them, before thinking back to that night in Port Angeles, and promptly thinking out-loud.

“You can… sort of control people’s minds, right? Can the rest of your family do that?”

“No, that’s just me… Kanaya can see the future though.”

They spoke as if it was a simple afterthought, and that took me by surprise.

“The fucking future? Shit, I… bet she saw me coming.”

Eridan’s eyes slit at that, and their hands tensed against the steering wheel, but they kept their posture straight, and voice cool-tempered.

“Kan’s v-visions are subjectiv-ve… if the person changes their path, the v-vision w-will change. I w-was… definitely fightin’ fate an’ her for the first few-w w-weeks you’d been here, w-which w-was… incredibly ridiculous, now-w that I look back on it.”

They spoke casually, and while I was concerned about their reaction to that, I decided to not ask about it, and instead keep up my questionnaire.

“And… the rest of them? Do they all have any special…?”

I didn’t know the exact word for it, but luckily Eridan smiled at my hesitance, and cut me off.

“Gift? Not… quite. Gam’ can control the emotions a’ those around him, an’ Porrim can feel the emotions a’ those around her, along w-with… w-well, bein’ gorgeous. Rosa is incredibly compassionate… doin’ w-what most a’ our kind w-wouldn’t care enough to ev-ven think up. Think a’ humans… as, w-well, sentient beings. It’s the reason w-we’re so bonded, a family, ev-ven. She’s raised all a’ us to hav-ve respect for life, an’ not think a’ our kind as superior.”

Eridan paused, but I didn’t manage to speak, far too focused on what they were saying.

“Psii’... he’s amazin’, Sollux. He’s the closest to a father w-we all hav-ve, an’ he w-wants nothin’ more than to keep his family together, at any cost. He shares that in common w-with Rosa; their compassion an’... care is unlike any I’v-ve ev-ver seen, aliv-ve or immortal.”

Their reaction as they talked of their parents was the purest thing I’d ever seen, just from their expression of pure adoration, and how their eyes bordered on tears. It made me adore them, just for making this little being beside me so, so very happy.

“How’d… you meet them?”

Eridan only blinked at my question, before shaking their head, and then shrugging.

“I met Rosa first. I w-was the only child a’ a mariner, an’ a gambler w-who w-wanted nothin’ more than the fortune my father held. Obv-viously… it didn’t last long, an’ w-when my mother left, my father… w-was lost. He’d grow-wn to lov-ve her, I mean… he’d a child w-with her!”

They gave a sarcastic laugh, and then shook their head, as if to calm themself.

“He didn’t last long. I w-was orphaned by the time I w-was fifteen, an’ then the  _ plague _ rolled around,” Eridan rolled their eyes as they spoke, seemingly irritated. “I w-was ill, on my deathbed… along w-with ev-veryone else in England, an’ I’ll nev-ver truly know-w w-what brought Rosa to me, but… the v-venom w-was excruciatin’. It w-was likely loneliness, hav-vin’ already spent centuries on her ow-wn… she acted out a’ frustration, w-with the one that she saw-w w-was all alone, w-with no family to w-wonder w-where they w-went. An’... I, w-well, I died on the ev-ve a’ my sev-venteenth birthday.”

I listened intently, before realizing what exactly they were speaking about, and almost bulged my eyes out - in confusion, and surprise.

“Wait, centuries  _ before _ the plague? How old  _ is _ she?”

“Dolorosa just celebrated her one-thousand, three-hundred, an’ ninety-nine birthday last year.”

I felt… shocked, and leaned back against the seat, exhaling loudly.

“Holy shit.”

“She w-was born durin’ the ‘so-called’ dark ages, I suppose… most people now-w just call it mediev-val Europe. Her father w-was a Christian pastor, an’ w-while she doesn’t remember most a’ the details, she died during a raid on a community she claimed w-was populated by the… demons.”

“Vampires, right?”

“Correct. Her father w-was v-very much a’... believ-ver, an’ led many a’ the raids. Many innocent people w-were burnt at the stake, killed for crimes they’d nev-ver committed, but a’ course… the ones he w-wanted to catch alw-ways managed to slip through the cracks. He refused to let his daughter be in charge a’ the raids, but she w-was an only child, an’ far smarter than her father had ev-ver been. Persistent, ev-ven. Liv-ves w-were spared, an’ in due time, she found her ow-wn cov-ven a’ the demons. So ev-veryone grabbed their pitchforks, an’ fire,” Eridan chuckled at this, shaking their head. “An’ set out. It’s easy to guess w-what happened… an’ by some cruel joke her God had made at her expense, she w-was spared by the demons, but in excruciatin’, almost lethal pain. She couldn’t return to her father, he’d kill anyone w-who w-was contaminated by the demons, an’ w-with her ow-wn sense a’ surv-vival, she kept herself hidden in the distant forest, nev-ver darin’ to come out. Soon, the pain stopped, but the hunger began.”

“Hunger?”

I felt my voice ask without my own thinking, but Eridan continued speaking before I could excuse myself.

“Yes… in our first year a’ this life, our hunger…  _ thirst _ for blood is at its most prominent, almost impossible to ignore. Dolorosa, in pure disgust a’ w-what she’d become, knew-w she w-would not be able to stop if she w-was close, so she stayed away from humanity as a w-whole. She tried so many methods… jumped off a cliff, starv-ved for years, but in the end, she only grew-w w-weaker, an’ w-weaker, but nev-ver… dead. She didn’t know-w there w-was an option to this, until one day, deep in the forest, she came across a family a’ bears… healthy, and she acted w-without thinkin’. W-Within one minute, the family a’ bears w-were at her feet, drained, an’ she w-was full, w-with her strength entirely regained. She realized at that moment that she could in fact… surv-viv-ve on an animal’s blood in this life, just as she could on their meat w-when she w-was human, an’ she’s nev-ver once looked back. W-With the self-control she gained, an’ learnin’ to stay aw-way from the crav-vings, she w-was able to soon rejoin society, an’ pursue her callin’. Helpin’ others. That’s w-what brought her to me, in thirteen-forty-nine.”

I didn’t move my head, instead staring back in utter shock, struggling to catch my own breath. It was… definitely strange, knowing they were all ancient. It felt… weird to know me and Eridan weren’t… meant to be together, logically, but I was thankful for… vampirism in that very moment.

“Psiion didn’t come into our family until… w-well, practically centuries later. The hospital Rosa had been a nurse at durin’ the time was adv-vanced, hav-vin’ proper morgues in eighteen-oh-tw-wo! W-Well, she’d dressed his infected stings on his arms eight years prior, w-when he w-was only eighteen. She nev-ver forgot that boy w-with the brown eyes and the lop-sided smile, an’ he nev-ver forgot that nurse w-with the golden eyes, an’ skin a’ ice. So… w-when she w-was handlin’ the bodies in the morgue, an’ came across the same boy, now-w a man… all battered an’ destroyed, w-with his death being labeled a ‘suicide’, she couldn’t believ-ve it… couldn’t physically comprehend how-w someone w-with such light in their eyes, such w-wit, hav-ve resorted to this. Ev-ven w-worse, his heart-beat w-was faint… they’d giv-ven up on him, left him to die. She acted out of instinct, an’... luckily for her, his w-windpipe w-was shattered, an’ his lungs collapsed. He didn’t make a sound, an’ four days later, he w-woke up in our liv-ving room… happy. I w-was ready to defend my mother at all costs, standin’ in front a’ her while she looked at his body like she’d been the one to destroy it… but the moment he w-woke up, he just looked at her, an’ smiled.”

Eridan gave a smile at this, and I felt myself smile as well, even through all of the utter confusion. It was… unsettling, knowing how old they all were. Their history.

“Psii’... he’s seen me as his child, ev-ver since. He adores me more than the rest a’ them, I guess… I remind him a’ the child he nev-ver got to see grow-w up, though it’s… likely the hair. Regardless, he’s been my father since then, an’ I’v-ve nev-ver been more thankful for a man.”

They paused at that, blinking at their own words, before shaking their own head.

“No, forgiv-ve me. I believ-ve I hav-ve been.”

With that, I felt the car pull to a sudden stop, which took me out of my trance. I looked out the window, away from Eridan… and we were in between shrouds of trees, but they were meticulously placed, as if someone wanted the forest in the yard… but perfectly.

  
  


Words cannot express the house standing in front of the car.

  
  


It looked as if it was made of stone, with half of the walls made of pure wood, and a modern overhang… with no column to support it. The entire building made my throat tighten, from the endless stream of glass, wall-to-floor windows, to the porch that seemed to be modeled after a slab of stone. It was light, airy, beautiful… and I wasn’t exactly sure what I expected. They were very clearly filthy rich, but this house was… too much. Far too much.

Eridan caught my surprised look, and suppressed a chuckle.

“Ostentatious, isn’t it?”

They didn’t give me a chance to respond, instead turning off the car, stepping out of it, and before I could even unbuckle my seatbelt they were at my door, holding it open for me.

Eridan took my hand, and I took the time in-between sitting up and standing up to notice the rings along their fingers, and the surprisingly chunky one… thick golden material, with a jade emblem along the center - a family crest, likely. They didn’t notice my staring, instead leading me up the stairs to the porch, and then to the front door and they reached to open it… before cringing, and reaching to rub their temples.

“I’m terribly sorry… I told them not to do this.”

“What?”

My question was answered the second they opened the door, and I took a step in. Light, rhythmatic operetta filled the house, though it was low enough to just barely hear. However, judging by Eridan’s expression, it gave them a headache, and I remembered the super-hearing aspect of their whole… condition. Eridan reached to take off the leather jacket, revealing what I’d suspected - a white sweater with an attached scarf, and I took the hint, setting my own parka aside onto the coat rack. 

“It’s so… light, fuck.”

“W-What did you expect, cellars… coffins, dungeons?”

Eridan’s voice bordered on a laugh, and I felt myself flush.

“Er… not the cellars.”

“Not the cellars.”

They repeated it, as if to laugh at it to themself, before grabbing my hand once more, and giving their entrance hall a once-over.

“This is… the one place w-we don’t hav-ve to hide. The openness… the light, w-we all lov-ve it.”

I only nodded, incredibly dazed as they led me upstairs, straight to the kitchen portion of their house, where all their siblings stood gathered across the counters, Porrim holding a silver bowl she stirred with a begrudged expression, Rufioh dicing something, and Psii (was it?) behind the stove, focusing on whatever was cooking. In the distance, behind the music, I could just barely hear the sound of a cooking tutorial playing, and I felt… the biggest surge of pity, ever.

Then I stepped onto the carpet that separated the upstairs from the wooden stair-case, and felt Eridan’s hand instinctively tighten against mine, as if it was a reflex to protect me. Considering the… last few months, it definitely was.

We walked towards the kitchen, and before I was even able to mumble a sheepish ‘hello’, Psiion was giving Eridan and I a polite wave, as well as beckoning us with his hands to come towards them all. Rufioh took the hint, and raised his own hand, still holding the knife in it to wave at us both, seemingly very entertained by this situation.

“Welcome, Sollux. We’ve made you mexican cuisine, if you don’t mind?”

Psiion didn’t even give me a second to speak, rushing to Eridan and I, and smiling widely… yet politely. I blinked, and then realized that of… course they’d assumed I was mexican, given my cousins. I decided to try and be polite, because really… Psiion was hard to be sarcastic to.

“Uh… gracias.”

“El placer es nuestros!”

Even with how…  _ eager _ he was, Psiion had the face of every runway model put together at once, yet… he looked sweet. He definitely matched Eridan’s description, it was easy to tell he was an amazing man just by his behavior alone, and it was almost… endearing, the resemblance we shared. Our eyes had the same shape, and had similarly furry brows framing our face, though his were far more groomed, and presentable. His curly hair was taken care of, downright beautiful, in contrast to my constant cloud of frizz, and… his smile was lop-sided, but the dimples along his cheeks made it beautiful, and just seeing him smile at  _ me _ knocked the breath from my lungs.

I didn’t have a thing for him, rather he was just… beautiful, in every sense of the word, and looked so… alike to me, down to the skin color, but then he didn’t, if you looked at the sharp edges. He looked like my hot, attractive older brother, and I was his awkward, and edgy younger brother. But… even then, his aura was polite, that of a father’s. I wanted to almost sit, and ask him for advice. Almost.

“He  _ already  _ ate.”

Eridan’s voice broke my trance, as it… always seemed to, and I almost turned to tell him to just ignore it, I was hungry now, because that really smelled good, but Porrim had already crushed the steel bowl in her hand to nothing more than a little pulp of metal, and splintered half of the wooden spoon in her hand, before letting it fall to the floor, and stepping over, and in front of it.

“Perfect. Great. So we spent all of that time, for  _ nothing _ ?”

Her voice was utter venom, but it didn’t stop me from getting a better look at her face now that she was closer. She looked… like the real-life embodiment of a beautiful Medusa sculpture, eyes slitted, full of rage, nose thick and straight, and lips pursed, wide and pulled into a frown. Even then, she was even  _ more _ beautiful than the sculptures. She looked as though someone cut up Elizabeth Taylor, Gisele Bundchen, and Grace Kelly, took the best pieces, and merged them into the absolute ethereal goddess standing in front of me. I could almost imagine the long black waves that fell down to her waist levitating, turning into separate, living serpents, and sentencing me to a life-time as a statue for only staring. I definitely wouldn’t complain.

“I… I just, I knew you guyth didn’t eat, tho-”

“It’s incredibly considerate, thank you.”

Psii’s voice cut off my awkward, nervous stutter as Eridan pressed themselves to my side, holding me close, as if to defend… or claim me. I wasn’t sure.

“There’s no hard feelings, of course. You have given us an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time… would you like to take the food home, instead?”

An airy, musical voice filled the room, and I looked towards where Rufioh was standing confused, before looking back to Psiion, and noticing the arm around his waist, and then the face beside him. I was certain, in that very moment, that this house… this family, was going to be the death of me. Dr. Maryam was standing in front of me now, looking at me with the single most sincere eyes, and I felt… sick. It wasn’t allowed, it wasn’t  _ legal  _ to be around such beautiful creatures, to have someone who put  _ Ava Fucking Gardner  _ to shame look at me with the single most sincere face, asking me if I wanted to take the food they’d made for me home.

I almost felt like falling over, fainting, but I managed to collect my devices, and stay calm, instead wrapping my hand around the cold, tiny hand pressed against my arm, and squeezing it.

“Yes, please. That smells amazing.”

“It’s our pleasure, Sollux-”   
  


“After all, you’ve made our Eridan so very happy, they haven’t been able to stop talking of you since you’ve moved to town!”

Psiion cut his own wife off, giving the two of us an ecstatic smile, but it wasn’t unsettling… at least to me. Eridan, on the other hand, groaned, pressing their head into my side, and trying their absolute best to ignore their family’s onslaught.

Porrim, on the other hand, had abandoned being… bitchy for now, instead leaning towards the counter where Rufioh worked on dicing, murmuring quietly to him. As if… on cue, the sliding door leading to their balcony opened, and Kanaya, with a tense, stoic Gamzee in tow rushed over to me, pulling me away from Eridan’s grip and into a tight hug, before pulling away with wide eyes.

“Oh! You… do smell very good.”

Eridan’s eyes widened at that, almost reveling Karkat’s signature incredulous look, and I only gave a laugh, trying best to hide my nervousness.

“Thanks..?”

“Don’t worry, we’re going to be great friends.”

The pixie girl with the big, almost bug-like eyes papped my cheek gently, almost comforting, while Eridan stared at her in either distaste or shock, and then the wiry figure with the long curls stepped up beside her, albeit cautiously.

“Hello… pleasure to meet you.”

Gamzee’s slight country accent bordered on his tensed words, and I gave a polite nod towards him, before Eridan took it upon themselves to just step away, and grab me towards them.

“Uh… okay, Gamzee, Sollux, Sollux… Gamzee. You know-w Kan’, that’s my mom an’ dad, an’ that’s Rufioh an’ Porrim.”

They sounded embarrassed, or mainly shocked at their family’s behavior, but it was honestly… nice, knowing they weren’t so prim and proper. Almost comforting.

“I’m going to… take Sollux to my room.”

Eridan then properly grabbed my hand, effectively dragging me away, and I was just a little thankful, but still turned to give their family a little wave, before we were finally at the hallway and going up the stairs.

“They’re… nice,”

I mumbled, trying to lighten the mood, though I really didn’t think they were bad at all. It was honestly comforting! I enjoyed their company.

“Embarrassin’,”

Eridan scoffed, voice amused, and then we were up the stairs, and Eridan led me to a door, before standing there sheepishly, and then just… smiling. They seemed nervous, and I raised a brow.

“This is… my room.”

And then the door was opened, and I took a step inside, and I was so, utterly positive this was a cruel, disgusting joke.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psii' and Rosa... yea <33


	15. Mind Over Matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're officially at the middle mark! How exciting :3

Journals.

There was no proper word to describe the room I stepped into… other than journals. Piles of them, some neatly stacked on a spare glass coffee table, and others unceremoniously shoved into a bookshelf that contained historical classics I’d recognized from middle school;  _ Pride & Prejudice _ seemed untouched, neatly placed between a row of half broken journals,  _ Romola  _ seemed to be hanging out further than the other books, as if they’d just placed it on the shelf.

I recognized more titles - a good fourth of the room was just journals and books - I noticed another solid oak bookshelf in the further back of the room, placed right between two windows, fitting perfectly in the space. Just the sheer amount of literature - some obviously hand-written, and other copies older than my entire family tree - managed to give me a headache. It was almost nauseating, and seemed fake. To top it off - there was no bed in sight. Against the window that led to the outer balcony was a soft-looking chair, and nothing else. On top of the chair was a violin that seemed to be well-used and of solid wood, judging by the position of the strings.

There was no physical way this could be a bedroom - no, it looked as though it was an ancient library - how the Library of Alexandria looked, but messier. Like the person who inhabited it had just finished a week-long study-fest, but instead of textbooks and laptops, it was… tiny, leather journals, and yellow-tinted scrolls of literature. It just… wasn’t real, and the only touch of modernity in the entire room was the little CD player in the back, with a track that was paused. Above it, rested a little shelf stocked to the brim with CD boxes - I was sure it was all classical compositions I couldn’t comprehend, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to try and confirm that.

I took a step inside, inhaling anxiously, and Eridan reached towards me… before standing at the very end of the bedroom, against the heavy-looking bookshelf. If it was possible - they looked more anxious than I did, eyes semi-wide, and brows knitted towards each-other. Were they trying to read my expression? They tried that, sometimes. Did I make a bad face about this… all? I wasn’t sure myself, but then again… how  _ was _ I supposed to react to this?

  
  


“Thit- fuck, this… isn’t real.”

Eridan only blinked once, seemingly confused by my tone, before looking down at their feet, and then around their room again quickly… if they were human, they’d have snapped their neck with the very motion.

“Is it  _ that _ peculiar?”

“Is it? I mean… shit, you’ve been in my room. Your room is just,” I waved my hands as I spoke, exasperatedly motioning towards the room surrounding us. “...it’s not a bedroom, it’s a  _ library _ ,” I quickly reached for the journal closest to me, a little stack of yellowed pages held together by faded leather, and just… held it out. “...I mean,  _ fucking hell _ , you’ve got a whole time-capsule here, man.”

They seemed surprised by my statement, as if they expected all humans to only have stacks of books and no beds, but quickly plucked the journal out of my hand the very moment I held it, and examined it themself, before setting it back on the shelf.

“I… w-wouldn’t read those. I tend to, w-well, think rather openly in them. The w-whole… ‘no sleep’ thing.”

I felt myself physically roll my eyes, but didn’t comment on it. I made a mental note to actually try and show Eridan proper human behaviour - along with the rest of their family. They seemed nice, but I… definitely understood the ‘off’ comments that clouded them. They were just far too perfect, a little handful of aliens that only examined human culture as a past-time. I was sure if I asked Eridan to display a proper emotion other than the teenage angst they’d been frozen at, they’d sputter… spout, and then explode in a cloud of circuits and smoke.

So… maybe I  _ would _ ask that of them, eventually.

“Do you not like it? I w-wasn’t really… sure w-what’d be your preference, ah - bedroom-w-wise, seein’ as your family designed yours… but, I can alw-ways change it? I’m sure I’d be able to store the books somew-where else..?”

They were right by my side again, practically wrapped around my arm, and I was barely able to register their words while my brain was busy freaking out because  _ holy shit they’re fucking fast, I have to put some sort of fucking beeper on them that lets me know every-time they fucking move, they’re going to give me a fucking heart-attack  _ \- but I was able to register that they seemed upset, even insecure, and the logical reasoning behind it would be their… room.

Which - wasn’t a bad room, once the initial shock of it all wore out. It made sense that Eridan would sit and brood for hours on end writing and reading, or listening to music.

“What? No, man. Your room is cool, just… different, obviously. By the way,” I gently pulled away from their grip, walking over to the CD player, and pressing the ‘play’ button curiously, half expecting thrash metal, or hip-hop. “...what are you listening to?”

I wasn’t surprised to hear a familiar tune, though I didn’t know the name of it. It was relaxing, a blend of piano and violin, but I was sure I’d grow tired of it after the fifth loop of it… or fourth. I tried figuring the name out, before Eridan interrupted me.

“It’s just Debussy, nothin’ special.”

They gave a sheepish smile, fiddling with their thumbs as they anxiously looked up at me, and it was… kind of adorable, in a not-so-creepy way. How was I able to make this fucking  _ angel _ feel embarrassed near me? It was strange, and wrong. Very wrong. I almost wanted to ride the power-trip… I had this effect on them, obviously - but that’d be fucked up, and kind of terrible. Of course, I could also b…

“Sol’?”

I blinked once, and then twice, before looking down at Eridan, and swallowing to moisten my dry throat.

“Shit - Uh, yeah…  _ Clair De Lune _ is great. You into any other music, other than what I know?”

Obviously, I could be a good person, and make them more comfortable. This was already strange and new for them, and they trusted me enough to have me here.

“Ah, this an’ that. I do miss the Baroque era of things, though  _ some _ modern… releases are tolerable. Like,” they tapped at their chin thoughtfully, lithe fingers moving daintily as they pondered. “...I do enjoy  _ Breaking Benjamin _ , but… w-who doesn’t?”

“Oh, those are… pretty cool too, yeah.”

Truthfully, I didn’t really listen to that… band much at all, but I was sure Eridan would introduce me eventually, and I’d enjoy them. Or, alternatively, I’d pretend to for their sake, and blast my own music after to cleanse my ears. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to tell Eridan we didn’t have the same music taste - or well, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle the expression that’d fall on their face.

“Yes, but - I w-will admit, you hav-ve me curious.”

I blinked at that, feeling myself blush anxiously, wondering if they realized that I was just agreeing with them aimlessly throughout our conversation… would they be mad if I had? It felt melodramatic at best, worrying about this of all things. It was mundane, something I’d do instinctively with any other friend, but then again - was Eridan even a friend? They were hardly human, with their canary-colored eyes and whatnot - but even if our relationship status wasn’t clear to me, we had to be… more than friends.  _ Friends _ just wasn’t enough, at least for me.

“About?..”

My voice trailed off at the end, and I almost smacked myself for it. It was clear I was nervous, and judging by the growing dimples on Eridan’s face, they were enjoying this far more than a normal person should.

They let their hands reach towards me, pale fingers gently running along the length of my arm - barely tapping the skin, it felt as light as a little gust of wind - before finally reaching my hands, and taking them so gently, as if they could break me. They kept their face down, looking anywhere but me, but I noticed a faint smile grace their lips as they spoke.

“Do you dance?”

Well, I wasn’t necessarily expecting that. It was almost a bit of a relief, if not utterly terrifying, but… it was fine. I didn’t dance - it didn’t do much favors for the uncoordinated, and I never really recovered from my growth-spurt in middle-school.

“No, I… two left feet.”

I gave a sheepish smile, not really knowing what else to say about it. I wasn’t sure they’d like hearing about the many fractures I’ve earned being an unstable, uncoordinated mess - but their mother could take an x-ray if they were actually interested.

Eridan only pouted for a split-second, letting out a simple ‘hm,’ before looking back up at me, eyes practically glimmering, and flashing a crooked, cheeky smile.

“Consider this your first lesson.”

“H-Woah, fuck!”

I was pulled forward quickly - not harshly, but it still knocked the breath out of me. Eridan almost seemed concerned, but it quickly faded once they assessed that I was indeed alright, and instead their mischievous smile returned, and their eyes fell back to mine.

They reached for my arm before I even noticed they’d stopped holding it, moving it so that it rested below their arm-pit, against their rib-cage, and they gave a little hum.

“This is how-w you lead. Considerin’ your height, ev-ven if… I lead, it’d be a bit aw-wkw-ward.”

Eridan reached over, resting their other hand on my shoulder, before lifting our intertwined hands, so that we were in the… proper starting position. 

“An’, that’s the w-whole… positionin’ a’ it. Now-w,”

It was horribly simple, but I still felt my hands get clammy, and my nerves begin to rise. Was I too tall for this? Eridan seemed to be standing on their tippy-toes, which would have been fucking adorable if I… wasn’t freaking out over this all at the moment. The music in the back wasn’t helping with my breathing and our overall lack of distance, but Eridan managed to look past all of that, and simply glance down.

“Now-w, w-we actually dance. Follow-w me.”

They took a step to the left, and I repeated the motion… with my left foot. I didn’t notice until the last second, but Eridan managed to ease any growing nerves by nudging my foot to the proper side with their own.

“Opposite to the left, for you. Come on, try to stay… in sync w-with me.”

Their foot took a step to the left again, mine following, and they gave a pleased hum, before repeating the motion again. This time, their right foot moved inward closer to the other, and I kept my head down while anxiously gripping to their ice-cold hands, trying my best to try and follow.

I was… surprisingly, doing just fine at this - at least, Eridan hadn’t complained yet. Instead, they gave little pleased noises that made me smile like a fucking idiot, because I was doing good.

“It’s… a pattern, really. Two steps to the left, an’ then you take tw-wo the right… uh, go back to w-where you started, I suppose. An’ then you repeat it… uh… constantly. But… angled, so it’s like you’re sw-wingin’ back an’ forth.”

“Cool.”

That wasn’t too complicated, once we started moving again. My nerves were practically melting away with each angled step we both took, and every little hum or exhale that fell from Eridan’s lips. It wasn’t as… stressful as I expected it to be. It was almost relaxing, after I’d gotten the hang of it, and the coolness of Eridan’s flesh was a welcome addition. It helped with my overbearing body heat, and the banging of my head.

And for a while, we continued like that. It felt like mere minutes, my head had finally shut up - the only real sound in the entire room was the occasional bump of our feet, and my muttered apology echoed by Eridan’s light after… along with my breathing. On any other occasion I’d have mentally berated myself for just breathing, daring to ruin the  _ moment _ with just my lungs, but… this was nice. 

It was more than nice, even after the music stopped, and it was just us. Admittedly… it was better then, though I’d never admit it.

And then instinctively, my head inched closer to theirs, my hand tightening against their skin, and an alabaster hand was raised to my face, and within half a second, Eridan was against the door to their room, pupils dilated and eyes wide.

I blinked once, and then twice, just a little dazed - before realizing what I’d done, and swallowing anxiously as I tried to form words.

“Thorry.”

The words came out rushed, lisp heavy and tone embarrassed, but I didn’t bother correcting myself or stuttering about it. It was… embarrassing, how  _ human _ I really was, and how easily I could set off Eridan, with even just one single movement. 

Their head gave the slightest hint of a nod, before their nostrils flared - they were probably inhaling - and they pursed their lips.

“‘s fine.”

Eridan’s tone was forced, bordering on stressed and spoken through gritted teeth, but I understood it. I should’ve probably… not jumped the gun like that.

“W-We’re only human, aren’t w-we?”

Eridan’s voice was a little calmer now, but still strained at the edges as they gave another crooked smile, eyes far less intense. I gave a shrug, and dug my hands into the pockets of my jeans, inhaling.

“Yeah, we are.”

A small chuckle escaped their lips as they absentmindedly looked down and reached for the hem of their sweater, picking at it. I tried to not focus as much on it - not be… weird, or fuck this up more than I already had, so I looked down at the floor, trying my best to make out patterns in the wood. 

  
  


It wasn’t… ideal, or really entertaining, but it kept me busy until Eridan finally exhaled, and was at my side once again. I felt my chest tighten at the sudden motion - the beeper was absolutely necessary, no doubt about it - before relaxing, and I instinctively swallowed.

Why were my nerves literally all over the place? Sure, I was… a little paper-cut away from near death, but that’d really never been an issue before, and I was positive Eridan was taking notice of my strange behavior.

They held their hands together instead of reaching towards me, and seemed to be thinking about - something, before finally settling on the right combination of words, and smiling.

“I think my father likes you a little too much.”

I blinked at their statement, before only raising a confused brow.

“He’s w-wonderin’ if I’ll bring you back dow-wn-stairs again.”

My confused stare continued, until Eridan only returned it, before realizing, and then awkwardly pursing their lips together.

“Did you… not pay attention at all?”

“I,” I swallowed, deciding to not absolutely butcher this by saying some sort of excuse for my lack of brain-cells. “...forgot for a second.”

Eridan narrowed their eyes at me, practically huffing at what I figured they assumed was my audacity, before crossing their arms.

“W-Would you like to go dow-wnstairs, Sollux?”

Their tone wasn’t as annoyed as their actions or words suggested - lips pressed tightly as to prevent a smile - but they still kept up the crossed arms, and raised brow. It was definitely meant to be intimidating, and with the eyes… well, it was, but I couldn’t help but find it fucking adorable, and fight the urge to pull them close right then and there. 

Instead, I only rolled my eyes.

“Sure, why not.”

* * *

The walk down to the kitchen I’d met their family in was quick enough - except we continued down the stairs, past the foyer my jacket was resting in - and straight through an arch-way I hadn’t noticed before. It led to a little hall that seemed to substitute as a library, with floor to ceiling windows surrounding it yet still draped in silk, see-through curtains… oxymoron much? A grand piano colored a glossy black sat in the far end of the room, placed perfectly in the middle of the little bump-out of windows, with a vase of white orchids resting on it.

It was definitely… classic. The light of the modern-yet-not chandelier went against the piano and bookshelves perfectly, but still kept the room dim enough to where it wasn’t too much, or too little.

Eridan stared at it expectantly, before giving a hum, and reaching out to run their fingers against it thoughtfully, and then brought them back to their chin. It almost looked like they were deciding the piano’s fate - it’d done something to them, and they stood there like a melodramatic villain, determining whether or not it’d survive.

A voice interrupted the both of us, and while Eridan stood exactly the same, entirely unbothered, I practically jumped twenty feet into the air - I definitely looked like a cat that’d just had water spritzed at it.

“Do you play?”

I instantly recognized the voice as Kanaya’s, it was airy and light - reminiscent of bubble-gum and cola, but it wasn’t anywhere near obnoxious. It was comforting, and almost… lovely. I blinked, before realizing I’d been staring longingly at the piano, and well… maybe I  _ was _ a little attached to the concept of one - well, owning one. I’d made a ridiculous promise to myself that if I ever won the lottery I’d buy one for my parents, or mainly my brother. Latula had always been good at it, and before the… accident if they weren’t gaming, he was listening to her practice for her recitals. Even now, bedridden and… gone, he was his happiest listening to her play out his favorite video game theme songs on it, especially those from an anime they’d watched obsessively after school.

But, that was far too much explanation for a simple question, so I swallowed back the sudden lump in my throat, and turned to Kanaya, giving her a casual smile.

“No, I’m… more of a guitar guy.”

“So I’ve heard.”

It was Eridan’s turn to react awkwardly, wide eyes and raised brows directed towards their sister as they stood by my side. They quickly reached for my arm, wrapping themselves around it how they always did, and I absentmindedly reached for their hair, giving them just a little pat.

“Kan’... no.”

Eridan shook their head towards her as if they were scolding a dog, and I almost felt offended for her until she only gave a small grin at it, and rolled her eyes. I didn’t notice the larger figure behind her until they spoke up, and I totally would have jumped again… had Eridan not been clinging to me.

“Eridan told you they were musical, no?”

This time, it was easy to identify the voice, judging on the affection it carried with the simplest statements alone. Psiion stood behind his daughter, before taking a step forward, and… suddenly he was in the middle of the room, between all of us. I hadn’t noticed how - well, regal, he seemed, judging on stance alone. His arms were pressed together in a proper form, back straight, smile polite, and eyes so  _ affectionate _ it made you want to be adopted by him then and there.

“They said they played the violin, but they haven’t shown me, so…”

My voice trailed off, effectively throwing them under the bus, and I flashed a grin towards them as Eridan looked up at me with wide, offended eyes. Psiion, on the other hand, gave a taken aback look towards them, before ‘tsking.

“You hav-ven’t asked me!”

“I was hoping you’d be a good enough host to  _ offer _ .”

Kanaya gave a light chuckle as we bickered quietly, Psiion staring at us a little more than perplexed, but the pleased smile never once left his face. It… should have been unnerving, but it was comforting, in all it’s strangeness.

“Well, I’m delighted you’d not been showing off, Eridan. It  _ is  _ unfathomably rude.”

“I w-would  _ nev-ver _ !”

Eridan themselves seemed taken aback by the mere accusation, and I had to suppress a laugh from the sheer irony of it. Their whole existence towards me had been bragging - no aging, no hunger nor thirst, no  _ body odor _ \- Psiion and Kanaya’s eyes flashed towards me curiously, but I cleared my throat as if to save myself, and that seemed good enough for them.

“They’ve been way too proper, actually. I’m scared if I slip a curse in front of them they’ll break.”

It was Psiion’s turn to laugh at this, while Eridan nuzzled their face into my arm, and I was sure they’d have my head after this.

“I think they have the worst filter of us all, actually. Of course they’d censor themselves, though.”

He raised his hand to his chin to ponder about it, brows scrunched in the same way Eridan’s did, and it was almost funny how much they looked alike with just that simple motion. I held back another laugh, and Kanaya audibly clapped her hands together, before rubbing them as if she’d planned a master scheme, and taking a step forward.

“Well, would you like to play for him?”

Eridan’s head perked up from my side at that, and Psiion smiled widely at it, encouragingly.

“That is a great idea!”

“You just said show-win’ off w-was rude!”

Eridan drawled, sounding absolutely annoyed, but not… negatively. Just how any other teenager sounded when their parent was forcing them to do something embarrassing, or whatever.

“There are exceptions to every rule.”

They rolled their eyes as Psiion smiled knowingly at them, and I turned to look down at them, giving them a little encouraging smile.

“I want to hear you play.”

“Well, it’s settled. Get your violin.”

Kanaya ordered them politely as she stepped forward to take her seat at the grand piano, and one second Eridan was at my side… the other they were back at it, violin and bow now in hand, and eyes narrowed at their father. Psiion only smiled at them - I supposed he had years of practice in the art of handling Eridan’s wrath, but it was still vaguely threatening. 

Eridan stepped away from me, stepping towards the piano, and I noticed their shoulders twitch - they took a breath, and then exhaled, before quickly positioning it against their neck, and inching their head towards Kanaya. She did the same motion, and then sat straight once again, lowering her hand to the keys, and I realized it was a nod.

Their hand lifted, bow just barely against the strings, fingers positioning themselves on the neck faster than my eyes could comprehend, and then they were playing.

I wasn’t a classical music person, by any means. I knew  _ Clair De Lune _ out of sheer luck, and couldn’t even figure out the name of the composition Eridan played in their car prior. It wasn’t a real interest of mine, music far too depressing and melodic for my tastes - but if this was what always was playing, I think I’d start bumping Beethoven at house parties, and add it to my IPod playlists - holy  _ fuck _ .

It was hard to believe only two physical teenagers were playing, when it sounded as though I was front-seat at an orchestra. I was never going to play my guitar for them again, not when… they could do this so utterly easily.

The melody started with a perfect screech of a note, and then the piano joined and it transformed into a somber, complex melody. They were both so perfectly in tune it was almost nauseating, and I could hear every note weaving it into what it was. When Kanaya played a higher key, Eridan followed with a drawn out, deeper one, and vice versa. Their head crooked to the side as they played, swaying to the music, fingers moving so fast against it I didn’t bother trying to keep up - for the sake of my poor neck.

I was definitely staring now. I wasn’t even really apologetic for it at all - how could I not? Eridan opened their eyes at me, eyes glancing curiously as they continued to play every single note in perfect time, before smiling.

“Are you alright?”

Was… I? It was a bit ridiculous how taken aback I was by just this music, and the thought of Eridan playing it  _ for _ me. I blinked, mouth open and eyes unfocused, before just… swallowing, and looking back down at them.

“I feel… insignificant, for sure.”

They narrowed their eyes at me, still  _ fucking  _ playing, and then the melody melted into something sweeter, something still harsh - but delicate, all at once.

“You inspired this one, you know-w.”

Words were not a concern for me, nor was the room possibly being occupied with their father, and sister. I was certain that if Eridan looked at me while they played  _ that _ , I’d rip off my clothes, sling myself onto the nearest day-bed, and beg to be painted. No… there was no doubt about that, at all. It was the only logical reaction to this, to someone who looked like  _ that  _ playing  _ this _ , and saying  _ you inspired it _ .

I was sure I’d learned to control my human reactions around them, but if they kept this up, I’d definitely have to up my self-restraint.

“They like you, you know-w.”

Eridan mused to themselves, and I suddenly realized I was frozen, and hadn’t spoken. I felt a flush rise to my cheeks, and they only grinned against their violin. I looked around, noticing the room was empty now, and Eridan was seated on top of the piano, playing the same melody without the piano, but slower. Somehow, it was more beautiful on it’s own - more somber, more brooding - _more_ _Eridan._

“Where did they go?”

My stutter was stronger than usual, causing me to swallow between words as a means to control it, but Eridan didn’t comment on it. Their eyes flashed across the room as they stayed entirely still, before they closed them again, and sighed.

“V-Very subtly giv-vin’ us priv-vacy, but… w-well, they’re curious.”

They exhaled after their words, and I found myself shoving my hands back into my pockets, and sighing out as well. Of course… Kanaya and Psiion liked me, but… what about their other siblings? Porrim was… near murdering me, I was sure - Rufioh didn’t speak to me at all, and I was certain he sided with his girlfriend on this - Gamzee was… Gamzee, I figured. I couldn’t help the nerves that came from just their reactions alone, and their judging glances in the cafeteria when I sat near, or with Eridan. It was… a little unsettling, if not overbearing, and… I sighed again, running a hand through my hair, and chuckling to myself.

“I guess… they like me, but what about Rufioh and Porrim?”

I wasn’t sure if that’d offend Eridan, but… why wouldn’t it? That had to be judging of me, right? Maybe their siblings had a bad day… but, that wasn’t an excuse for their hostility, or Porrim crushing the bowl I was so sure she wished was my head. I didn’t know how to express my thoughts about this at all - this situation was so strange as it is, and maybe that was just… how they worked. Maybe I was overthinking it all.

Eridan glanced up at me, before finishing the melody, and setting their violin down carefully onto the piano. They stood up quickly, taking a step towards me… and then they grabbed my hands gently, looking down at them and then back up at me.

“Don’t w-worry about Porrim, she’ll… come around.”

I blinked at that. How was that even nearly comforting? It was honest… which I appreciated, but it only made my nerves far worse.

“And Rufioh?”

“W-Well,” Eridan paused for a second, looking around the room, and then sighing, before looking back up at me. “...he thinks I’m a lunatic, w-which is… definitely the case. He doesn’t particularly dislike you, though. Rather… priorities. He is tryin’ to reason w-with Porrim, but he w-won’t risk upsettin’ her ‘till then.”

“What… is it that upsets her? Is it the lisp?”

Okay, that was definitely my insecurity that slipped out. Eridan shook their head at that, almost giggling, before raising a hand to my cheek, and papping it gently.

“No, an’ frankly I w-wouldn’t care if it w-was the lisp-”

“So, you have a fetish for speech impediments now?”

“Precisely. Seriously, though… she’s just… jealous a’ you. She struggles the most w-with w-what w-we are… she’s alw-ways been so… proper w-with the w-way a’ things, an’ it makes her uncomfortable know-win’ someone on the outside know-ws this, know-ws the danger, and… w-well, chooses it.”

I stared confused. Why on Earth would Porrim - beautiful, jaw-dropping, legs long enough to be on Vogue - Porrim be jealous of… me? I tried to imagine a reason she could be, but none of them really even make sense. It was the strangest confidence boost, if I was honest.

“How the hell would she be jealous of me?”

“W-Well, Sol’... you’re human,” Eridan gave a little shrugged, as if they couldn’t understand it themselves. “...she w-wishes she w-were too.”

“No offense, but… why the fuck would any of you want to be human?”

Eridan blinked slowly, almost frowning, before looking at the floor, and sighing. Their grip on my hands tightened for a split-second, before going back to being barely there, and I was certain I’d said the wrong thing. They looked up at me, brows delicately furrowed and features… sad, before shaking their head subtly.

“Sollux, if all a’ us w-were to hav-ve had our happy endin’, w-we’d be in our grav-ves right now-w.”

I only swallowed at that - the exact words made my throat feel dry, and my head feel heavy on my shoulders. Eridan’s eyes were so genuine as they spoke it almost… they felt like daggers boring into mine, and it just made the weight of each of their words sting far more. I was almost positive that was the intended effect of them - they had to know what their eyes could do - but they were looking down and suddenly looked so… tired, I wanted nothing more than to scoop them into my arms, and tuck them into bed.

I decided against comforting them about it, because I really… didn’t know any of it, and didn’t want to make them feel worse about it. Instead, I nodded subtly, and tightened my hand around theirs, exhaling loudly as my shoulders relaxed.

“And… Gamzee?”

Eridan’s eyes perked up at this, before they only smiled, and shook their head.

“That one is most definitely my fault. He’s… ah… v-very new-w into our choice a’... diet. I w-warned him to stay aw-way. My family tends to… listen to me?”

“Well, I’m sure none of them want to get on your dad’s bad side.”

“Yes, that is a main factor, but…” they paused, before looking up at me with wide eyes. “...I like to think I am threatenin’ enough to make them listen.”

They flashed a perfectly white grin, and I shuddered.

“Psiion and Rosa?”

“...are happy I’m happy. Quite frankly… Psiion w-wouldn’t care if you had one eye, no nose, gills, an’ w-webbed feet-”

“That’s really specific.”

“You… seem like you’d be into cyclops. Regardless, he’s happy I’m happy. In his eyes, he alw-ways… just thought I w-was w-wrong. It’s the reason he’s so attached to me - he w-was a father, he can sense it, I suppose. Anyw-ways, he thought I w-was… I don’t know-w, too young w-when Rosa changed me, an’ I w-would be… angsty an’... a teenager… forev-ver, I suppose. Really, he could almost squeal w-with joy ev-very-time I touch you, or stand beside you.”

“That’s… really sweet, actually.”

“Ov-verbearin’, really. I appreciate it, though.”

Eridan gave a sigh, a little smile bordering on their lips, and it was easy to tell they appreciated at least… someone being supportive of this. They ran their thumbs gently against my wrists, and I inhaled.

“Kanaya seems nice… a little happy, actually.”

I tried making conversation - easing their nerves with at least one positive statement about their family, so they wouldn’t think I wasn’t enjoying this. I was, actually. Quite… a bit more than I should, but that was besides the point.

They laughed endearingly at that, before shaking their head.

“She’s v-very… enthusiastic about things.”

“Seems like it.”

Eridan smiled at that, a little crooked and dimpled motion of their lips while looking at me - practically boring into my soul… and then their head turned upwards, as if someone had called their name, and I looked around confused.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’... my mother needs me, is all,” they paused for a moment, before taking a step towards the arch-way, still holding my hand, and motioning towards me expectantly. “...come on.”

* * *

  
  


We walked back up the stairs quickly, Eridan moving so fast I almost tripped a few times - until we reached the third flight of them, and finally landed in a small-ish hallway… at least compared to the rest of the house. They led me to the door at the opposite end of it, and gave a polite knock before opening, and leading me inside.

It was… a typical doctor’s office. Compared to the hallway it was fairly big, big enough to fit a few machines here and there - along with a desk, some greenery, and chairs for consultations. That part was… admittedly the funniest part of it, even with the multiple degrees stacked against the walls, and paintings that looked as though they cost more than my parent’s house. Dolorosa sat at the desk, head buried in paperwork before she propped it up, and gave us a smile that knocked the breath from my lungs.

“I presume you’re alright with him listening?”

Eridan clung to my hand, still rather anxious, but they seemed to try their best to seem laid back… casual about this.

“You’ll explain it better.”

“True.”

The goddess in front of us reasoned with a chaste tilt of her head, causing her black pin-curls of hair to brush against her sculpted cheekbones. She opened her mouth to speak, and I felt as though I had no choice but to get down on my knees, and listen to every word she spoke as if it were scripture.

I tightened my grip on Eridan’s hand, and exhaled.

“We will be leaving town for a week… two if necessary. Kanaya foresees some complications overtaking our cousins in Denali, and it’s only courteous of us to be there to help as much as we can.”

Eridan blinked at that… a little shocked, a worried expression falling on their face before they shook their head, and swallowed.

“Is there a chance w-we w-wi-”

“No, it’s nothing of that sort. Rather… something more personal. I’ve already excused you and your siblings from school for the time being, so… I suppose you can pack, if you’d like.”

Dolorosa gave a polite smile, mirroring her husband, before bowing her head back to her work as Eridan stood by my side, staring at her, and then looking down. After a few moments, Eridan turned to leave the room in tow, but Dolorosa’s gentle voice stopped us in our tracks, and I turned my head to look at her.

“And… Sollux?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for showing up.”

I gave a nod, and with that - Eridan led me out of the room, closing the door behind us, and sighing… before leading me to the living room. I’d lost track of the number of stairs in this house - my legs were more than sore, but it wasn’t… as intolerable as it could be. Eridan seemed to relax by the second, shoulders still tense, but they were actually smiling now.

We reached the living room and they finally let go of my hand, opting to shove their hands into the pockets of their pants, and look around.

“So, a week or two?”

“Yeah… mother is v-very… insistent on bein’ there for family.”

They smiled to themselves, and I found myself smiling as well. It was contagious - their happiness, until Eridan only blinked, and looked at me with pursed lips, and a raised brow. I blinked - had I snorted? My laugh wasn’t that bad… last time I checked. I gave them the same confused glance, though mine was bordering on offended.

“What?”

“I… I’m still w-waitin’ for the terrified screams, an’ runnin’ for the hills.”

I only stared, before finally chuckling at them, and shaking my head as I crossed my arms. Eridan seemed genuinely confused now, but I didn’t let off, instead practically rolling my eyes at them. They gave an offended look now, and I could only grin.

“You are not  _ that _ scary, ED,” I was lying. Eridan gave a wide-eyed look, creasing their brows just a little, before exhaling, and I continued. “...you’re not scary at all, actually. You’re way too tiny to be scary, and… well, you’re like a chihuahua.”

“A chihuahua?”

They raised their brow at that, and I grinned further.

“Yeah, all bark, and tiny as hell.”

This time, Eridan raised both brows in disbelief, before relaxing their face, and grinning widely instead. Their dimples were fully flashing, with their narrowed eyes glimmering at me, and I swallowed.

“You should  _ not _ have said that.”

They fucking growled, a low rumbling sound in the back of their throat, lips curling back against their perfect teeth - though it was honestly more of a purr - and they tensed their back, leaning forward like a lion ready to pounce on their prey.

I took a step back, eyes wide behind my glasses.

“You wouldn’t.”

There was no way I’d see them leap at me. They were way too fast, but one second I was suspended in the air, and the next I was bent at a strange angle, and the last I was crashed into the couch with a force that slammed it into the wall, and caused the painting above us to shake. Eridan wasn’t bothered by this at all, instead tightening their thighs around my hips - effectively straddling me, before giving me a wide, fucking  _ horrifying _ smile, and then…

Wrapping their arms around me as if I was an oversized teddy-bear, and holding me as close as humanly possible.

My body was still a little more than shocked, but it settled embarrassingly quickly at their familiar coolness, and I rested my head over their mess of copper waves, wrapping my arms around their back, pulling them close, and… inhaling.

After a few seconds of Eridan nuzzling their face into my neck, they pulled back, still allowing me to hold them, and they gave a little smile.

“You w-were sayin’?”

Their eyes glimmered playfully, voice full of humor, and I rolled my eyes, leaning back onto the couch as I held them.

“You… are an absolutely petrifying monster. Fucking horrifying.”

“Much better.”

They seemed pleased by my sarcasm, and leaned forward to me, nuzzling my cheek gently. They were… surprisingly cat-like, now that I thought of it. It was kind of hilarious. I instinctively leaned forward once they pulled away, and for a split-second Eridan did the same, and then… footsteps echoed into the room.

“May we come in?”

The voice was light, airy - it was easy to recognize, and Eridan only mumurred a ‘yes’, before repositioning themselves so that they were sitting on my lap in a… decent manner.

Kanaya stepped in, Gamzee in tow, and if I wasn’t so focused on Eridan, I’d have definitely lost my shit over their movements. Even with how… big, they seemed - they walked gracefully, as though they were dancing. They looked strange apart, but… right together, and it was easy to get caught up in it.

“You have no manners, Eridan. Enjoying a meal without us?”

I figured that’d have upset Eridan, but Kanaya’s voice was playful,  _ happy _ , and Eridan was smiling wider than usual. I almost missed their perpetual frown, for… familiarity’s sake. They nuzzled into my jaw, and inhaled.

“Forgiv-ve me, I don’t believ-ve I’ll hav-ve any to spare.”

Kanaya only hummed, eyebrows relaxed, and Gamzee took a step forward… eyes unusually yellow, brighter than even Eridan’s on a good day.

“Actually,” he paused to smile, turning to Kanaya, and taking her hand. “...Kanaya says there’ll be a real storm tonight, and Rufioh wants to play ball. Are you game?”

His thick Southern accent drawled along his words, but he still sounded proper, and sure of himself. Even then, the words were… normal enough, but the mere context confused me. I figured Kanaya was better than a weatherman, but… in a storm?

Eridan instantly lit up at the words, but then they hesitated, and almost frowned. Kanaya saved them from that fate by instead giving a reassuring smile.

“You should bring Sollux, he’ll have fun.”

Would I? I… hate the rain. Gamzee glanced at her, a little surprised, but he didn’t seem to even bother going against what she said. Whatever Kanaya wanted, she got.

Eridan turned to me now, eyes excited, and a little toothy smile on their face.

“W-Would you like to go?”

“Uh… sure. Do I need an umbrella?”

“W-Wel-”

“No, he won’t. The storm will pass over town… the clearing should be fine enough?”

“Why a storm?”

“W-We… need the thunder to play. You’ll see w-why.”

“So, it’s settled. We’ll go ask Rosa and Psii.”   
  


“Like you don’t already know their answer.”

Gamzee and Kanaya left the room closer than they entered, Gamzee wrapping his arm around Kanaya’s shoulders, and then they left as gracefully as professional ballerinas - no, better, and the door was closed behind them.

I only blinked, before looking down at Eridan, brows raised.

“Baseball?”

They gave another nuzzle to my jaw, before pulling away and looking at me happily, eyes wide, and pupils almost dilated.

“Yes. You w-will be w-watchin’, w-we w-will play… an’, w-well, it’s the American past-time.”

They spoke thoughtfully, voice laced with sarcastic solemnity, before pressing their nose against my cheek once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *alice voice* it's time!


	16. Complications Bonus Disk C

We sat together, blissfully enjoying the others company until Eridan decided - or rather heard - that the rest of their family wanted us to leave. I was admittedly anxious about the entire ordeal… I’d never been outdoorsy by any sense of the word, and even with all the advantages in sports my height had given me back home, I never participated in them. I physically looked as though I’d be perfect for basketball, long and thin with slight definition in my arms (definite byproduct of hauling heavy computer shells to my old bedroom) but put me on a court… and the healed fractures in my skeleton could explain the rest.

Still, I was only supposed to watch, which was fine enough for me. If I were lucky, this would be a simple game, I’d learn more about Eridan, and we all would go home happy, satisfied with our progress in this endeavor. 

I was… never really lucky.

  
  


I followed Eridan down to the foyer aimlessly, grabbing my jacket and pulling it back on - hesitating on whether or not I should pull up the hoodie - before deciding against it, and stepping out with them. Granted, there was no awkwardness between us. I was thankful for it, the comfortable silence and subtle aura of serenity as we took our seats in Eridan’s car, and as they drove off I looked back, noticing Gamzee and Kanaya standing in the doorway of the glass house… and then stepping - fading away. I felt a little more nervous the further we got, but it was manageable, as if I was coming down from a high.

  
  


“W-Well?”

My head snapped to the side fast enough that my neck audibly cracked, and I was able to catch Eridan’s subtle grimace. I was confused by the sudden start of conversation, but decided to play along, wondering what they were getting at.

“Well?”

“Do you really w-want to join us? I couldn’t tell if you w-were agreein’ to be polite… I can make an excuse for you, if you’d like..?”

Their voice was nervous, anxious even, and I paused for a moment to purse my lips before shaking my head, and looking down at them confused.

“Why would I agree… just to agree? I used to play baseball with my brother all the time, even if I can’t actually be apart of it - it’d be nice to see.”

They visibly relaxed at this, but their motions were still tensed, and I realized I had pressed my hand against theirs - which was handling the steering wheel - in a subconscious effort to comfort them. I pulled away with a small blush, giving a sheepish smile, and Eridan returned it, before exhaling.

“I’m… usually more relaxed than this. It’s strange, isn’t it? A puny human… no offense, actually makes me feel _embarrassed_ a’ my family.”

Eridan lowered their shoulders, almost relaxing into their seat as they drove. I leaned back into mine, not really knowing what to say, before scoffing, and lifting a hand to run it through my hair. It’d grown far more than a few inches in the months I’d lived here, and I decided I’d use my nearing birthday as an excuse to ask for a haircut… it would be _something_ , and hopefully make my aunt feel like she didn’t owe me a birthday party.

I inhaled once before exhaling, and Eridan’s head turned to me, eyes almost questioning. Before they could make the words out I decided to speak.

“Your family could… never be embarrassing. They actually care, in their weird way. It’s nice to be around, honestly.”

“I guess I just w-want to impress you then.”

They spoke matter-of-factly, and by the look on their face I was sure they’d be blushing… if they were able to. They looked down at their lap, blinking, before looking back at the road, and I sighed.

“You did… have? You’re very… impressing. Hell, even if your family was horrifying, the house is nice.”

Eridan chuckled dryly, and shook their head.

“I nev-ver pegged you to be the materialistic type, Sollux Captor.”

I liked the way my full name sounded in their… off their tongue. It almost felt illegal to be able to hear them refer to me, and I leaned over to look at the rear-view mirror, half expecting a cop to be behind us.

“Well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Eridan. Fuck, if you had the latest MacBook, I would had to have gone and bought a ring.”

They were quiet for exactly ten seconds, before murmuring their next words.

“I… hav-ve the HP Voodoo Envy… 133, I believ-ve. It’s in our office… the attic? W-Well, it’s upgraded to hav-ve a ASRock NV-VIDIA 650i SLI ATX motherboard, an’ an Intel Core 2 Quad QX6600 2.66GHz processor.”

They spoke the jumble of words as if it was nothing, effortless, even, and I forced my mouth to close, instead trying to stop the blood flowing through my veins from directing itself towards anywhere _but_ my face and neck. I gave a nervous laugh, and then sighed, loudly.

“That’s not even fucking out yet.”

“Indeed.”

Their laugh was dry, almost humorless, but at the same time it came off as cheeky, and as though they were enjoying all of this - were they? It was hard to tell, given their constant change of direction with things. I wasn’t one to comment on all of this; I wasn’t exactly stable nor logical, but it was almost insane for someone like them to even dare to be as ridiculously anxious… freaky, as I was… even with all their vampiric traits.

I blinked once, trying to steady my breathing, and tried to focus on… sitting comfortably, and not embarrassing myself in their car.

Eridan lowered their hand to the radio, pressing buttons I wasn’t even comfortable rubbing my arm against, and then turning up the volume. It was just the basic station… the one on billboards in the highway, and within seconds a song that sounded somewhat familiar started playing, and Eridan audibly hummed at it. I didn’t really know what to say, or if there’d be anything proper _to_ say. The silence was comforting, and… that was about all I knew of it. I felt comfortable.

They seemed comfortable with the silence as well, driving a bit slower than usual and staring directly at the road ahead. I decided to do the same, minus the driving - absently looking forward, imagining the catastrophic wreckage that’d be left behind had Eridan crashed into that tree… or the string of them we drove by. It was a pessimistic thought process - imagining my death repeatedly, but I snapped out of it the moment I noticed the street was familiar, and then remembered it was the one where my… current house was located. I made a confused grumble - were they seriously dropping me off? One look towards Eridan’s direction as they pulled into the driveway, and it was confirmed. They were dropping me off.

  
  


I opened my mouth to speak, but they beat me to it, eyes now darker, more intense, and they looked tired in the face. Bruised, even.

“I understand you w-would rather not be alone-”

“Oh, really?”

“How-wev-ver, at least giv-ve us an hour or tw-wo to… compose ourselv-ves. Prepare for hav-vin’ six feet a’ human beside us for an hour or tw-wo.”

I noticed my arms were crossed - almost like a child’s, so I quickly rested them at my side, and instead frowned. They’d done so good earlier… why do they have to leave? It was… logical. _‘Better safe than sorry,’_ but it didn’t click in my head. I wanted to risk it, just to never have to spend a second away from them, and the fucking feeling of that thought passing through my head made me want to vomit all over the glossy leather interior of their car.

“Hunting, huh?”

The little corners of their lips turned up at that - it’d made them smile, but it quickly fell the second their nostrils flared, and instead they shook their head. They seemed to be gripping onto the steering wheel, almost holding themselves steady, and I instinctively backed away - against the door. Eridan took notice of that, and a short laugh escaped their lips.

“Yeah, huntin’.”

The words sounded miserable, as if they felt just as disgusted as I was - disgusted with the thought of being apart. It was stupid. All of this was so stupid, but even then, another thought was still picking at my mind - bothering me. I tried swallowing it down, but physically couldn’t.

“You’re going to be out of town for my birthday.”

I spoke bitterly, yet in the same tone I’d use to say… ‘it’s sunny out.’ I wasn’t… even that upset about it, really. I just… wanted them there, even if it was six-feet-apart, and I wanted to kick or punch something too, because this was stressful and annoying and - I felt like such a fucking _girl_.

Eridan’s shoulders instantly relaxed and they turned their head upwards to me, brows relaxing and instead furrowing together, before their lips parted, and closed. They were obviously concerned, but it… wasn’t enough. I took a breath, not realizing it was shaky, or that I was crying. The realization of it made me want to curl into a tighter ball - fucking roll out of the car and into the woods, but I sat straight, wiping at my face, and giving a small chuckle.

“May twenty-eigth. That’t-that’s my birthday. You’re going out for two weeks, so you won’t be here then. I don’t… know why I’m crying about it, it’s fine? I just… don’t know.”

I felt even worse after speaking about it - pin-pointing every single flaw and stutter in my lisp-ridden voice, and wanting to absolutely _die_ because I was still fucking crying and this wasn’t middle-school, it wasn’t a big deal if the person you liked didn’t show up to your birthday party. It wasn’t the end of the world, but it felt like it was, even if I _knew_ Eridan had no choice in this.

“Sollux, I didn’t… I can stay, okay?”

I wanted to accept the offer - enthusiastically accept and pull them close and kiss them - but I felt like it was pity, and didn’t want any of it. Eridan sounded genuine - so fucking genuine, but… regardless, some time to think would be good, wouldn’t it?

“No, it’s fine.”

“You’re… cryin’?”

“I’m just stressed, okay? It’s cool, we can call, and stuff.”

Eridan’s face was skeptical, eyes glancing me up and down multiple times, and hands reaching for mine. I eagerly gave in - almost too eagerly - cradling the familiar cold between my oversized, warm hands, and instantly felt calm. It was instant relief, and my breathing quickly calmed down, and I inhaled, before exhaling.

“I’m going to be okay.”

They only smiled, reaching up to caress my cheek, and then… my eyelid, and it would have definitely been a little strange, if the little satisfied smile on their face didn’t make it all worth it. It wasn’t even my eyelid, really. They were tracing the edges of my features thoroughly, trying to remember them, it seemed. The tracing of my eye was okay, if not a little uncomfortable. My nose felt better, almost comforting - and then they inched closer, thumb delicately flowing against my nostril, before delving back to my cheekbone, and if I was a cat, I was sure I’d be _purring_. Eridan’s eyes were heavy-lidded, relaxed as they continued this, stroking the skin gently - treating it as if it was the finest silk, slowly lowering their thumb while caressing me until it was against my jaw, and they were tracing the length of it.

Their hand stopped directly at my chin, almost cupping it, and directed it down, towards theirs. 

I didn’t even have a chance to pucker my lips before I felt sticky ice press against my forehead, brushing my hair away in the process, and then it pulled away just as fast, and I blinked… staring up at Eridan, absolutely dazed.

“Wha…”

I started, feeling as though someone had wiped my memory, and Eridan only gave a dazzling smile, and for a second, I was sure we were back in the Biology classroom, and it was my first day. Except… they didn’t want to kill me.

“I’m goin’ to call tw-wice a day, an’ make sure you’re aliv-ve.”

Even if I wanted to object - could I? Was it physically, logically possible? Eridan was able to take control of the entire situation so easily - make it their own, for at least… now, I believed every word they spoke of their abilities.

“Yeah… sure, fuck.”

“Sollux, darlin’, try to steady your bre-” Eridan paused, if not for a second, head quickly turning upwards, and then looking out the window furiously. Their brows were furrowed now, before somewhat relaxing, and they only gave an annoyed - but obviously annoyed chuckle. “...this is just crossin’ the line.”

It was enough to jolt me out of my… state of mind, and I looked out the window, noticing the truck now parked beside us, and the people standing at the shallow front porch. It wasn’t a surprise, but the… setting was weird, and their expressions weren’t familiar. Nepeta’s face was set in stone, brows narrowed, and eyes furious… but still, her entire expression was composed. Equius stood beside her, staring confused at us - as if he was wondering what exactly he was even looking at - bless his heart.

“They came to… warn my uncle?”

Eridan nodded sharply, glaring back at Nepeta, before I quickly sat up, somehow managing to surprise even them with my sudden movement.

“Alright, I’ll handle this.”

I reached for my seat-belt, unbuckling it hastily, and Eridan gave me a black glare - eyes anxious. I looked back at them, hesitantly looking down at their jutting bottom lip, and then just… blinking, and shaking my head. I felt just as horrified as they looked, but still… Eridan agreed with me.

“That’d be… preferable. Be careful, though. The child has no idea.”

I nodded, before scoffing at them, and rolling my eyes.

“You and Equius are the same exact fucking ag-”

Eridan interrupted me then, their anger abruptly fading, and instead it was replaced with a mischievous grin.

“I w-was born in February. Therefore, I’m older.”

They inched closer to me, seemingly not even caring about the outside distraction - instead wrapping their arms around my neck, and gently nudging me further down. I only laughed at it, breath heavy, but didn’t complain at all.

“Oh really?”

Eridan’s cool breath pressed against my skin with every passing second, and for a moment… we just stood there. It was hard to not get swept into it - even harder to just sit, and stare, but after twenty seconds (I’d counted them to try and calm my heartbeat) Eridan turned their head, pressing a kiss to my cheek, and I smiled at it - nuzzling against them.

When they pulled away, they had an expression that’d likely be beet red if they had blood flowing through their veins - and I cursed the Gods above that didn’t give me a camera to photograph, and memorize it forever. This time, I managed to keep my composure, and only smiled.

“So, when in February?”

It was their turn to scoff, leaning against their seat and combing their bangs back with a shaky hand, before grinning, and laughing to themselves.

“The elev-venth, uh, go on an’ get them inside, so I can get some food in me.”

I rested my hand on the door handle, motioning to open it, before turning to them, grin still plastered on my face.

“Blood?”

“It’ll be yours if you don’t leav-ve the car in the next three minutes.”

“So, I’ll stick around?”

“Actually, after you avoid death for the… fourth time, an’ handle your cousin - you hav-ve to introduce me to Silias. So, no, you don’t stick around.”

Fucking _bummer_.

Eridan’s face was playful, but the lilac colored bruises were deeper now, and their eyes darker, so I decided to take the hint. It was still upsetting, very… upsetting actually, but it was fine. I’d be fine. I turned to open the door of the car and step out, and Nepeta’s face was no longer composed, no, it was visibly furious. I felt myself smirk at it, and considered slapping myself - before turning to the car again, and leaning down to look inside the window.

They smiled at that, far more friendly, and exhaled.

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Soon.”

I agreed, standing straight and turning to take a step towards the porch - and they’d already driven off.

It made me a little upset, admittedly - but it was fine. I exhaled myself, and walked towards the porch, all but ignoring both Nepeta and Equius’s stares, and instead opening the door - stepping inside, kicking off my shoes, and heading towards the kitchen. Admittedly, all of that mutual pining had rendered me pretty hungry, and considering my aunt outright refused to buy ramen or microwaveable meals - I’d somehow ‘abused my privileges’ in only two months - I was left with no choice but to shrug off the jacket, rest it on the chair, and take out some bread, mayo, butter, and random slices of cheese. Grilled cheese wasn’t my favorite meal - I’d much rather some spicy ramen with hot sauce and lime, but fatty toast with cheese stuffed in between was also cool.

I absently chewed on a slice of some cheap processed cheese product - the ridiculously yellow stuff - as I slathered each slice of bread with mayo, and butter. I scooped a bit of the butter with the knife, not bothering to even wash off the previous mayo, onto a pan that was already on the stove, and turned on the burner. I turned back to the sad sandwiches, and gave them a longing stare, before sighing in a disappointed tone, and putting two slices of cheese product on each sandwich. They were then formed, but still… reeked of sadness, so I grabbed a spatula to swirl the butter along the pan, and then set the sandwiches in it. They both fit, and within five minutes, I had two… sort of okay grilled cheese sandwiches plated, and ready for human consumption.

_Geez, how long had I been hanging out with… not humans?_

I cringed at my mental narrative, before reaching for a sandwich, and taking a big bite… chewing, and swallowing. It tasted… fine. Just bread, with cheese… what was the big deal about these? I thought about it as I finished my meal, and then cleaned up after myself, before heading for my bedroom, and not being surprised at all by the two faces seated in the living room. 

“‘Thup.”

I managed as… calm and cool as I possibly could, with a cup of milk pressed to my lips. I swallowed quickly, and set it at the coffee table. 

“Soccer got cancelled, or something?”

“No, actually, Equius made some fish fry… Dad’s favorite. We brought some, and wanted to catch the game.”

It was pretty obvious Nepeta was judging me, the intense scrutiny in her eyes was as obvious as the shitty green wallpaper along the living room, but I acted indifferent to it, and she took notice of that.

“Snuck some beer in the fridge, too.”

Equius added, rather quietly.

“Oh, shit. I’ll put that away, I guess? He’s working late tonight, I thought you knew that..?”

I noticed a subtle gleam in Nepeta’s eye that made me uncomfortable, and she quickly stood up.

“The station?”

_No fucking shit_. I bit my lip, looking around anxiously, before leaning forward to grab the bag they’d set on the table, and gave another… casual, indifferent shrug.

“No, they’re tracking down some… bear thing that’s killing people. He talked about taking out the dogs to look for it, today actually,” I paused to seem more natural about it, before looking at the bag in my hands, and raising a brow. “...this goes in the fridge, right?”

“Er, yeah.”

Nepeta wasn’t stupid, and I wasn’t either. She’d noticed my sudden change of tone and expression, and raised a brow, before only making a thoughtful expression. She stood up, and I took a step back.

“Equius,” she spoke calmly, almost gently. “I… think I’m in the mood for a game today. Do you mind setting up the net in our usual spot while I find my cleats?”

He didn’t object at all, instead eagerly standing up, grabbing the bag she’d set beside her, slinging it over his shoulder, and giving her a crooked grin.

“The clearing, right?”

Nepeta turned to him, and gave a genuine, open mouthed smile.

“Yeah!”

“Cool.”

Equius walked back out, and I figured it was the clearing I’d seen Eridan stare at, but never took me to. I shrugged it all off, and walked over to the fridge, setting the greasy bag on the top shelf, trying to really ignore the footsteps following me. They only got closer though, and I huffed, before closing the fridge, and spinning around to confront her.

“Your dad isn’t going to be home for a while.”

Her arms were crossed, her head cocked to the side, and she nodded.

“Go enjoy the weather, before it rains today.”

She nodded again, and I exhaled, entirely annoyed, before leaning against the counter, and crossing my own arms. I’d had a pretty shitty day - I didn’t want any more stupid fucking drama, and I always managed to just get that. I wasn’t exactly ready to yell at my cousin - merely tell her to fuck off, but somehow, she managed to push my limits by just existing.

Nepeta sighed, and finally spoke.

“Sollux,”

Her voice was quiet, insecure even - she very obviously hesitated, and I cracked a grin at it, sarcastically rolling my eyes, before taking a step forward, to walk away.

“Sollux!”

I paused at her sudden change of tone, and slowly turned around, staring down at her. It was times like this - I was grateful for my height.

“What?”

“You’re… my older cousin.”

She sounded defeated, almost… _sad_ , seemingly realizing I’d given up on the small talk, and wanted this fast, and direct. I was glad she seemed to realize that was the case, for her own sake. 

“Yes.”

“You’re… spending… a whole lot of time with the Maryams’. Well, one of them, at least. You’re spending a lot of time with one of them.”

She spoke each word carefully - slowly, as if she were talking to a toddler or child that didn’t understand. I felt way too offended at it, but I couldn’t let it show, and let her see I even noticed, could I? Cool… and casual.

“Yes.”

I replied sharply, voice totally sure of myself, and this choice. Nepeta visibly cringed, and then shook her head, brows furrowing as she sighed.

“You know I’m not going to tell you how _I_ feel about it, because you won’t even care.”

Truthfully, I thought about her words, and her possible opinions. I debated each and every one of them, and for once, I was sure she actually did have a brain in there. I actively did not give a single fuck about her feelings towards my life choices.

“That’s true.”

“But, you’re my family, and it’s my place to… tell you if you’re making the right choice. And… you’re not. Not here. Not… with them. Maybe you don’t think it’s my place, bu-”

I interrupted her suddenly, exhaling, and lips twitching as I tried to keep a poised smile, and keep my composure. It was _way_ too hard.

“No, you’re right. I don’t think it’s your business, at all.”

Pretty satisfied with her stunned expression, I turned to walk off. I made it to the living room before Nepeta caught up, and instead stood in front of me, refusing to let me pass ahead of her.

“They have a bad reputation - the family. It’s not even mine to talk about, but, they-”

“I _know_ . They have a horrible, fucking shitty reputation at a reservation they’ve _never set foot at_. Don’t you think I fucking know that?”

My voice came out harder - hell, harsher than intended - but it seemed to at least take Nepeta by surprise, and give me more than enough seconds to reach the stairs, before she once again caught up to me, and stopped me in my tracks. I considered, for more than a few seconds, throwing her off of them and making a run for it… but I actually liked Forks.

“Okay, fine, maybe you know them and their drama. Fine. Does Dad even know about your little… friend?”

For a second, it felt like Nepeta had found the chink in my armor - I even managed to make a defeated, stunned face, before shaking my head subtly, and blinking at her. It was hypocritical of her, to even bring _that_ up.

“Does he know about Feferi?”

“What?”

She blinked, visibly surprised, and it was my turn to raise a brow, and give her a concerned look.

“Feferi, your fucking _girlfriend_. The one you haven’t told anyone in this damn family about, besides me and fucking Karkat, and let’s face it, he’s too far up Terezi’s ass to even notice you’re fucking dating the gi-”

Nepeta cut me off quickly, voice almost shaky, but still sharp.

“This isn’t about her.”

“But it’s about Eridan? Whoever I’m fucking getting _along_ with?”

“Sollux, you know it’s fucking different. Their whole fucking family is dangerous-”

Her voice was pleading, almost begging me to see it from her point of view, but I couldn’t. I scoffed at her, looking around as I suppressed my laughter, almost _wanting_ someone to hear the bullshit I was hearing.

“And you’re fucking _lesbian_ in a family of fucking _Christians_ , Nepeta. Fuck, who the _hell_ do you think you’re fooling with the whole ‘nobody cute in my hometown,’ shit? You don’t think he fucking expects you to fucking _marry_ Equius one day? Have a _whole fucking quiver_ of kids with the guy?”

“Sollux, _shut_ the _fuck_ up.”

I blinked at her, entirely embarrassed for the fact that she was crying instead of any other reaction, and instead shook my head, and gave a dry laugh. The realization of it was what… stuck me the most, admittedly. How fucking shitty others saw them, without them even doing anything wrong. It made me feel sick, and seeing Nepeta’s face begging for sympathy didn’t help, at all. I didn’t comfort her, instead staring blankly, and giving a thoroughly repulsed expression.

“You’re tho damn fucking full of yourself you think he’ll react worse to Eridan than all of this thit.”

She stared, shaking slightly, before her brows furrowed at my words, and her face curled further.

“That’s not what I-”

“No, that’s _exactly_ what you fucking meant. You haven’t even _met_ the fucking person and you still think you’re above them, because of a little fucking _myth_.”

I didn’t bother yelling like I was doing before, instead spitting out the words accusingly, and judging by the look on her face - they stuck. She reached for her face, wiping at her eyes, and I considered walking past her and straight to my room, but I was far too angry to just let this die down. I hadn’t noticed she’d gained back most of her composure until she spoke again, and my eyes snapped back down to her.

“What if it isn’t a fucking myth? If they _kill_ you?”

She had the audacity to be concerned, and I only rolled my eyes.

“If it wasn’t a fucking myth I’d fucking die being honest with myself.”

“Do you really think I can just let the-”

“It _isn’t_ your fucking business. _None_ of this is. You’re so shoved deep into the fucking closet you’re reaching into mine and thinking I need your help, but I fucking don’t. _Get that through your fucking thick, moronic head_ . I _don’t_ need you to save me, I _don’t_ need to _date your damn beard to get over someone I actually like_ , I _don’t-_ ”

I spat out the words so fast I didn’t notice Nepeta shaking her head, as if she didn’t believe me. She cut me off, and I stood with my eyes wide, glaring at her.

“How do you _know_? You haven’t even trie-”

“How... do I know? _How do I know_ ? In the two fucking months I’ve been in this damn house, _not a single one of you_ have made me happy. I _don’t fucking care enough_ to stay here. You’re _fucking closeted and up everyone else’s ass_ , your brother is _so far_ up his girlfriend’s fucking ass he doesn’t realize she’s _fucking everyone but him_ , and your parents _are never_ around. Your mom is always writing her books _that never fucking sell_ , and your dad is such a fucking strict bible-nut you and Karkat both have _promise rings for your fucking virginity_ , and you’re _scared_ to introduce them to your girlfriend. You think I honestly _want to be here_ ? You think this is my _top choice_ for a fucking house? You don’t think I can get a job and support my own damn self until my own parents ask me to move back in?”

Nepeta stood there, taking it all in, definitely fucking stunned, before… only blinking.

“No, I-”

“It’s _fucking Eridan, you fucking moron_ . They’re why I’m still in this fucking town, and still living with this fucking bullthit excuthe of a family. Tho, for your own damn sake, next time you fucking think about how fucking _horrible and utterly dangerouth_ they are, try to remember the fact that _they’re the only fucking thing keeping your precious little cousin_ in this shit fucking town.”

“Sollux, I-”

I shoved past her, ignoring her apologetic face, and instead walked up the rest of the stairs.

“I have shit to code.”

I didn’t look back as I went to my room, but when I reached the door, I paused, and heard the front door open. It was Equius, mentioning that the field was ready to play, and after a few seconds, Nepeta seemed to get over herself and join him, just as chipper as she usually was.

Honestly, I didn’t regret any of what I said. I sat on my bed, unbuttoning my shirt and pulling it off, tossing it to the floor, where I’d likely never look at it again. That, or… I’d eventually wash it. Eventually. I’d mentioned the coding as a means of getting her to leave me alone - but now that I thought about it, I had more than a few hours to spare before my uncle got home, and Eridan themselves would likely be gone for at least a few hours.

  
  


Pulling my desk chair aside, I finally booted up the hunk of machine I’d let rest for what felt like weeks now, to really see what… modifications it needed. I’d be getting a plethora of birthday money soon, and it’d be nice to know what I could use it for, but also keep decently realistic expectations. I fiddled with the screwdriver I kept in my drawer for moments like this - obviously personal moments with the devices I held the most dear - and then poked at the shell of it, before deciding I wasn’t ready to be electrocuted.

I reached over to turn it off, before unplugging the entire device and yanking out the entire heavy box that contained the computer’s brain… membrane… internal organs, all of it. It was moments like this I felt like a shitty, bullshit version of a surgeon - instead of doing a biopsy on a living creature, try to see what was wrong with it - I was operating on an almost ancient device, trying to see how I could upgrade it, and make it better.

Within seconds of pulling apart the shell I audibly ‘tsked, and examined the graphics card with pure disdain, before frowning. It was absolutely outdated, and the one I wanted would cost more than - no, quite literally around five hundred dollars. Even if I wanted it, or worked for it, I would _never_ be able to afford it, and I wasn’t sure I’d be getting anything from Nepeta, or Equius. Still, even with that and the… colorful string of shit I’d told them, I didn’t feel bad. Why would I? I was minding my own business, and they were obsessed with it. Obsessed with _me_ , and my… relatively undead friend. 

Were they a friend?

They were more of a partner at this point, with all of the seemingly mutual pining and… nuzzling… and almost kisses. Still, even friends wasn’t strong enough for me. I’d positively rather die than let anyone hear this… or even see me thinking it, but I wasn’t even sure we were considered partners.

I felt connected to them… more than usual, or humanly possible.

It made my chest ache, and made my throat tighten when I thought about it - how much I _cared_ for them, and how _much_ they wanted to kill me - but I was sure about it. So sure… I felt as though I was in one of those teenage romantic comedies Karkat loved to watch. Was I even in one? 

Was this all a sick, sick joke on my little brain? Fuck, maybe I was even schizophrenic, and Eridan was a big, big trick my imagination was playing on me. Maybe my family was right, and I was… wrong. Wrong about them, and wrong about all of this.

  
  


I raised my shaking hand to brush through my hair, and exhaled. I needed a smoke more than ever, and a long walk. I managed to write down a reminder that I needed a new graphics card - and processor, for safe measure - on a sticky note with a shitty pen, before closing the shell and setting it where it usually went, and standing. I gave a stretch, and then an exhale, before reaching back and stretching for a long, good while. Once my joints audibly popped I sighed loudly, and stood straight, looking around my room, and just… swallowing.

  
  


No.

  
  


I was right about this, and this was good for me. I’d never once fit in before, even with the… relatively pretty girlfriend and the half-friends and the gaming sessions, and for once, I felt like I belonged somewhere. And… if it was in _this_ , in a family of _vampires_ \- well, I didn’t see the problem with any of that. They were good people… good souls, all of them… and I wasn’t even sure why those on the reservations disliked them so much. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, and with a collected breath, I pulled on a dirty t-shirt from the pile on my floor, and grabbed my phone, and checked my pocket to make sure my pack of cigarettes - and lighter - were still there.

After locating them I walked downstairs, grabbing my jacket, putting it on and finishing the cup of milk I’d forgotten on the coffee table. I set it down right where it was - I’d clean it later - and gave the house a one-over one last time before slipping on my shoes, taking a step outside, and locking the door behind me. I pulled out a cigarette, rested it on my lip and lit it before taking a drag, and pulling out my phone with my free hand. I dialed a number shakily, and then brought it to my ear, exhaling loudly as I walked off the porch, and instead walked into the forest that surrounded the house - in the opposite direction where Equius and Nepeta would be.

  
  


I waited for a few seconds - though they felt like minutes - as the line rang over, and over, and then hung up. Giving a low mumble I pulled the phone up again, re-dialing the number, calling again, and taking a more… irritated puff of chemicals. The phone rang again, this time even slower it seemed, and then finally, as if it was a holy grail - as if I’d been blessed by the Gods above, as I was inhaling the smoke once again, a seemingly sleepy Aradia answered the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yikes


	17. The Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAS BEEN SO LONG. WOAH. Have an extra long, sort of uneditted chapter as a massive apology.

As I waited for her to speak, I exhaled and almost felt a sliver of hope creep up my oversized spine - there was only one person I wanted to talk to right now, but of course, if they wanted to talk to me they’d materialize right in front of me - but I instantly shrugged it off. Seconds passed, and I quickly realized she wasn’t going to say the first word, so I’d have to bite the bullet. It was… fair of her, of course. I hadn’t called in weeks, I hadn’t visited, I’d all but disappeared without a trace, and I didn’t even have the excuse of schoolwork for it. I’d have to bring up my ridiculously stupid ‘romance’ troubles (the utter phrase made me sick) and the smart mouth that’d gotten me in trouble consistently for as long as Aradia had known me.

I shifted my weight between my feet as I stood still, anxiously fidgeting with the lit cigarette in hand, before only inhaling, and trying to… well, man the fuck up about this. It was only Aradia Megido, and if she  _ really  _ loved me, she’d understand my absence without warning.

“He-”

“Do you  _ only _ ever call me when your life starts to suck?”

“No, I-”

“ _ Or _ ... do you want to remind me your birthday is coming up?”

Of course, like everything else in my poor, miserable life, that was a mere false reality. Aradia sounded almost genuinely pissed, and I felt  _ bad _ . I exhaled through tightened lips, finishing the cigarette and letting her mumble to herself before extinguishing the butt against a tree I’d been standing beside, and then flicking it onto the mess of too-green grass and dirt below my boots.

“Maybe I just miss you, Aradia.”

“I miss frolicking at Comet Lodge.”

“That was a one - no, two time thing.”

It was Aradia’s turn to sigh audibly, and I could imagine her sitting up, brushing her unruly hair to the side with her fingers, before grabbing the phone properly and pursing her lips. Of course, I’d seen that exact situation pan out more than twice, but for some reason, I couldn’t remember the details of her I used to precisely focus on.

“And you’re going to be eighteen soon - finally - plus your parents are about done with the whole house thing. When you come back home we can always go for a third? It’s... been a while.”

My luck was absolutely horrible, wasn’t it? What God had I pissed above to deserve  _ this _ ? Was I… really,  _ really  _ that attractive? I wore hiking boots with a black parka my crush bought me, for fuck’s sake! I had a bi-colored tinted pair of glasses I’d religiously colored in with sharpies every night before bed - why was everyone I knew or met treating me as if I was eye-candy, or… Beyonce, or some shit. I could understand the whole deal with Beyonce - or… Eridan, too! ...But I wasn’t any of that, and quite frankly, I smelled bad.

I started walking forward, hoping to somehow distract myself, before swallowing.

“I… don’t think I’m going back to Seattle. Forks... is… growing on me.”

I added a little chuckle - for good measure - as I awkwardly cringed, and hoped Aradia would have enough common sense to realize what I’d meant by that.

“...What?”

Oh, fuck. She sounded fucking  _ heartbroken _ , and I really wasn’t ready to handle all of this on top of my massive piling list of shit I’d already dealt with today. I had to play baseball later, I couldn’t waste my mental capacity on letting my ex-turned-best-friend down easy!

“I’m… uh, starting to like Forks. I’m applying for colleges around here, and up in like… I’m waiting for word back from Dartmouth - they have the whole... computer science program..?”

“ _ Fucking Dartmouth _ ? That’s… fuck, six days away by car…”

“Yeah, it’s pretty far, but the… uh… school’s guidance counselor thinks I have a good chance of scoring a… sort of... full ride, considering I… hacked into the U.K.’s embassy that one day.”

“You… did do that.”

“And, I sort of… built the app the entire school is using to text now, instead of like… MySpace.”

I silently shrugged to myself, now sort of walking around in a little circle as I spoke. I wasn’t really lying about any of this… I’d already applied to multiple universities, but of course, it wasn’t by my accord, but by Eridan’s. Even if I’d wanted to refuse - I didn’t, a full-ride to Dartmouth to study computer science was the  _ dream _ \- their parents had already written letters of recommendation for me, seeing as they were alumni. 

However, even before that, I wasn’t even sure I’d have gone back to Seattle willingly, unless my brother requested for me… and for now, he hadn’t. Forks just… had a charm the city didn’t. I couldn’t find the word to describe it, but I was sure it started with an E.

“The Sollux from like… three months ago wasn’t interested in college at all - let alone university,”

Aradia sounded solemn, definitely let down, and I found myself unconsciously frowning too.

“I guess… shit changes, huh?”

She laughed for a few seconds until the light noise broke into an almost miserable exhale turned to sigh, and she paused, before asking the question I was dreading.

“Did that… er, person you liked - did they have anything to do with… that?”

How could I lie to her about  _ this _ ? It was what I called about, regardless, and she was… my best-friend, regardless of… the seemingly unrequited love situation. I didn’t really care about it that much, I just couldn’t stand her being hurt over it. Still, I gave an awkward chuckle, before shifting it to a relieved sigh, and instinctively nodding as I leaned against a tree.

“Uh… fuck, yeah.”

Aradia instantly lightened up at that, and I could almost picture the smile breaking into her face, and her sitting up-right and leaning forward to make sure she didn’t miss any single detail.

“Well, are you… going to tell me about them?”

Where… would I even start with all of this? There was so much to say, but so little all at once. It’d only been two months… barely, yet it felt like it’d been longer. Had it been? Had it been decades… had I’d known Eridan for centuries, and only know time was starting to pass? A silly word passed my mind -  _ soulmates  _ \- and I found myself regretting all the Captor Approved eye rolls I’d given young adult novels for using that word. They definitely - the concept was certainly plausible. 

“God, they’re… fucking… something.”

I found myself only sighing, as if that said everything I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t process it into words… it was harder than most essays I’d churned out at eleven-fifty-nine, and all I had to do was simply be honest. 

Aradia only exhaled, and then laughed - a light, musing sound. It was mocking, and I instinctively bit down on my pierced tongue, suckling on the acrylic jewelry. 

“So… you  _ like _ them, huh?”

The word like wasn’t even close to enough, but for now, it seemed… to be enough. It was decent. I obviously liked them. I was sure I  _ liked  _ them. Was it… more than like? Positively. Unequivocally. 

“Yeah, I… think so.”

For now that would be okay. 

“Can I at least get their name?”

Would I be able to even say it? It was like second nature saying it when they were around - calling it out at night when I couldn’t sleep - but was I honestly able to say it… with as little meaning as humanly possible? Eridan.  _ Eridan _ . Every letter carried meaning I’d never known before, meaning that made my throat ache, and my chest feel heavy. 

“Uh… yeah, yeah. Fuck, it’s Eridan. Eridan Maryam.”

Speaking it was like speaking prayer. I was talking to some sort of God, possibly the one my family worshipped - but that couldn’t be it. This God… the God I’d renounced since I was twelve, the God I’d constantly and consistently shunned - could not have blessed me with something like Eridan. Things like this didn’t happen, and the only suitable explanation was that Eridan was a God themselves. It felt… right. 

“Sounds… old-school, honestly. Even with… your weird ass name.”

“I think it’s nice.”

I answered back quickly - almost snapped back, and it was definitely defensive, even if Aradia’s statement was said in the most innocent tone possible. I cringed at it, and my own behavior, before swallowing, and giving a quick laugh. 

“Definitely better than Sollux.”

She seemed to ease up as well at this, and knowing Aradia, she wasn’t the type to… pull a string and unravel a whole sweater. It was just a little blip during our conversation, and she’d forget about it later, and never mention it again. Hopefully. 

“Well, anything is.”

  
  


It was my turn to actually laugh now, much more relaxed than before, and I found myself talking to her for a bit longer as I paced around the forest - albeit anxiously, but it was exercise, and that ought’d count for something. By the time I reached the starting point of the forest, right next to the broken fence that surrounded the yard of my uncle’s house, Aradia was going on and on endlessly over her new job, and I was listening to her ramblings. It reminded me of how shit used to be, and it was almost relaxing. 

She had started mentioning that her coworker had quit - something about the cemetery being haunted - when my uncle suddenly pulled up into the driveway. I was thankful for the timing of it, in some sick… pathetic way. I enjoyed talking with Aradia - she was possibly my only friend at this point - but the sooner my uncle got here, the sooner Eridan would arrive, and I… wanted to be with Eridan. 

“So, do you think I should try getting his job?”

My uncle slammed the door behind him and made his way up the steps of the porch, and I could hear the keys clatter as he pulled them out, fumbling to find the right one. He opened the door, stepping in, before closing it behind him, and I inhaled… before realizing I’d been silent for at least two minutes. 

“Shit- uh, yeah, you… do that. I’m going to go, my aunt… needs me for something. 

“Oh… alright, well. Don’t be a stranger, Sollux.”

I could almost hear her frown, and I tried my best to shrug it off. 

“Yeah.”

I closed my phone, all but absolutely loathing that God awful “clack” sound, and shoved it into my pocket, before walking up the porch… and standing outside the door. It’d already begun drizzling, which meant Eridan was going to be here… soon. Pretty soon. I took an anxious breath, and then stepped in. 

  
  


I wasn’t immediately noticed, which was some sort of blessing. I almost considered sneaking upstairs until Eridan drove around, but it’d only prolong the inevitable, and… for some reason they wanted to meet my uncle. It wasn’t exactly necessary, he wasn’t even my  _ father _ , but it was fine. Cool, whatever. 

After a short minute of self-loathing and pure procrastination, I finally walked into the kitchen, and not so surprisingly, he was seated at the dining table, can of beer in hand. I mentally considered the possible repercussions of asking for one, before simply… hovering. I… wasn’t good with any of this. 

“Uh… hey, mijo. ¿Estás bien?”

Luckily, my uncle… was all Karkat. He wasn’t one to keep quiet about anything, especially not one’s hovering. It made everything way easier, at least knowing now I was…  _ forced _ to talk. 

“Oh, shi- yeah, yeah. You mind sharing?”

I took a seat as I nudged my head toward the can seated in front of him, and for a moment he almost considered it, before sternly frowning. He reached for the can I was already eyeing, taking a sip from it, as if to add salt to the wound. Then, he  _ chuckled _ , as if my desperation was pure comedy gold. 

“On your birthday you’ll get a sip.”

“Ten more days then? I’m going to hold you to that.”

He gave another thoughtful sip, as if he were considering it once again, before swallowing… and pursing his lips. 

“Ten more days.”

“Alright.”

Then… it was awkward silence. How exactly was this conversation supposed to even go? ‘ _ Uh, my partner… friend, would like to meet you, and then I’ll be going on a date with them after. _ ’ It sounded absolutely ridiculous, and fucking… stupid. Did they even  _ have _ to meet him? 

“So, what did you do today?”

That answered that. I inhaled, again, before shrugging as casually as I could manage, and then… again. Why was this so stressful?

“I, uh, just hung out at the house for a bit. Equius Zahhak brought some of his dad’s… fish fry? Whatever that is.”

My uncle’s eyes practically lit up at that, and I found myself giving him a confused look, before shrugging it off. I’d have to try it sometime. 

“Huh, bet Nepeta got the ol’ man to make more. It  _ is _ my favorite,”

“She put it in the freezer… I think. I also went to the Maryam’s house, earlier. They were… really nice.”

He continued with his beer for a split second, before practically gagging on it, and setting it down right as he caught his breath. I only blinked, a little… fucking confused by the whole reaction, and just stared until he wiped his mouth, and sat straight up again. 

“The Doctor’s place?”

He was almost astonished by it, and the thought of that was… hilarious, actually. They weren’t…  _ that _ cool, really. Maybe. 

“What the  _ hell _ were you doing there? Sollux Captor, te lo juro, si estabas con tus tonterías, avergonzado a nuestra famil-”

I blinked, caught off guard by his sudden rant, before only laughing - I was… a little scared, but he was totally taking this way too personally. 

“Uh, chill out. I have a date with the younger one, uh- Eridan? Yeah, anyways, we’re just going on a date tonight. They wanted me to meet their family.”

Surprisingly, the knowledge that I was possibly  _ dating _ a Maryam did not help my uncle at all. In fact, his eyes only widened, and he looked as though he had burst an aneurysm at that very moment. 

“You’re  _ dating  _ Eridan Maryam?!”

Maybe? Was I? Fucking hell, man, I didn’t even know the damn answer to the question myself. Give me a fucking break!

I shrugged, and crossed my arms, leaning back against the chair. 

“Maybe? We’re going out tonight- besideth, I thought you liked their family!”

“They’re  _ too  _ old for you!”

“They’re literally a year younger than me.”

He blinked, and then instead of looking furious, he was just confused.

“...Which one is Erica?”

“Eridan. The short one, with the really red hair.” 

The tiny, lithe one who looked like a practical God - the one with a face that looked like it was sculpted by Michelangelo - the one who could pass for a literal angel sent from above…

“Oh, well… fuck,” he paused, almost struggling over his own words. “That’s… better, I guess. I don’t… no me gusta cómo luce la… la qué tiene el pelo crespo, ella está... muy alta.”

I blinked, not really understanding what any of this had to do with the discussion. His  _ own _ wife was taller than him, but  _ that's besides the point _ . 

“Eridan, weird fucking name, she’s your girlfriend?”

I cringed internally, but my uncle was really… a lost cause in understanding any of Eridan’s androgynous traits. 

“Uh… they’re really just… a partner for now. We’re not big on labels.”

“Like most kids are, nowadays…”

He mused thoughtfully, but picked up his can once again, staring ahead, so I could see the worst was over. I tried to ignore the blotchy red patches along my neck, and exhaled audibly. 

“Anyways, it’s kind of the early stage of things. Just- don’t… embarrass me with any of that. They’re… important.”

My uncle blinked, before pursing his lips once again, and tipping his head to the side. 

“When are they coming over?”

“Uh… few minutes?”

“Where are they taking you?”

Fuck. This’d be fun to explain. I groaned audibly, before tipping the chair back some on my heels, and chuckling. 

“You done with the whole inquisition? Their family plays baseball, they wanted me to go with them.”

His face puckered for a split-second, before it broke into a smile, and he only chuckled as he took another sip. 

“You? Baseball? I’d love to see that shit.”

I found myself laughing as well, bringing a hand to my forehead to brush my hair back, before sitting straight once again, and leaning forward. 

“Well, I’ll… be watching most of the time.”

“You must really like them.”

He spoke in a tone that was simple observation - the same tone in which he’d say ‘ _ the sky is grey _ ’ or ‘ _ the floor is wet _ ’ - and I only groaned, before practically slamming my head onto the dining table. 

“Tell me about it.”

_ That _ got a laugh out of him, and I was starting to wonder if my misery was funny. Was this comedy gold? I was suffering, and it was somehow  _ funny _ .

  
  


As if on cue, I heard the roar of an engine outside of the house, and instinctively jumped up, slamming my head into the wall, before groaning, and bringing a hand to it. 

“Fuck.”

The doorbell rang, and I rushed to stand up and answer it - until I heard the door open, and footsteps get louder. I hadn’t realized how hard it was pouring outside, and realized they weren’t exactly kidding about the thunderstorm. 

My uncle stood at the door, holding it open as I walked up to him. Eridan… stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a model in a stereotypical advertisement for raincoats. Seriously - it wasn’t fucking  _ legal _ to look so damn good with your hair wet, and stuck to your face. 

“Come on in, Eridan.”

I exhaled loudly in relief when he actually got their name right - this would hopefully go… decently, and I’d leave it with my sanity intact. Possibly. 

“Thank you, Chief V-Vantas.”

Eridan spoke in a respectful tone, before giving a signature smile,  _ with the dimples _ , and I swore I could see my uncle half-stumble back. 

“Er, call me Silias. Here, I’ll take your jacket.”

They only nodded, and shimmied out of it pretty quickly, before handing it over as if they were disgusted by the thing. It was soaked, so maybe they had a right to be, honestly. 

“Thank you, sir.”

“Have a seat there, Eridan.”

“A’ course, sir.”

They walked to the only single chair quickly, but still - gracefully - and took a fluid motion of a seat, leaving me to…  _ of course _ , sit next to my uncle. They took notice of the miserable look plastered on my face, and shot me a wink from behind my uncle. 

“So, I hear you’re taking my nephew to play… watch, baseball.”

“W-Well, yes, sir. That is the plan.”

They didn’t look quite as surprised as I’d expected, considering I’d told my uncle the truth. Of course, they probably  _ were _ listening, but that possibility alone made me incredibly uncomfortable. So, I stuck with the very… slight chance that they trusted me to say the truth when it really didn’t matter. 

I leaned back against the couch cushion, watching this all go down, frowning as if I’d been resigned to a lifelong torture. Wasn’t this the equivalent of that? Besides, only in  _ Washington  _ would the fact that it was raining whole fucking buckets outside have no bearing on the playing of outdoor sports. 

“More power to you, I guess. It’s almost impossible here to make Sollux do  _ anything _ physical, hell, when he was younger Nepeta had to drag him to play soccer with them outside. Actually, do you want to see ph-“

“Okay,” I stood up, and walked right to Eridan, who had an amused - and cheeky, the utter  _ bastard _ \- smile plastered on their face, grabbing them gently by their shoulders, and pulling them up with me. “No baby photos. No toddler or tween photos of me with helmet retainers in a soccer team uniform. None of that. Let’th go, Eridan.”

They both laughed at my sudden outburst, but followed as I walked to the entrance and pulled on my jacket, before crouching over to pull on my boots. 

“Not too late, Sollux.”

“W-”

“I’ll hav-ve him home early, don’t w-worry, Silias.”

I groaned as I stood up, and zipped up my parka. Eridan pulled on their own soaked raincoat, and ignored my annoyance, along with my uncle. 

“You take care of him, alright? His mother will kill me otherwise.”

“He’ll be safe w-with me, I promise, sir.”

Sili- my uncle, couldn’t doubt Eridan’s sincerity from that statement alone. It rang through every world, and I believed it wholeheartedly myself. 

I opened the front door, taking a step out before pulling my hoodie over my head. They both laughed from behind me, before pausing. 

I… stopped dead in my tracks, and just stared. Forget the rain smacking me across the face, I was  _ physically _ smacked by the mere presence of the monster jeep in the driveway. It’s tires were higher than Eridan’s  _ waist _ , and it had metal guarding the headlights and tail-lights. There were four spotlights attached to the crash bar, and the hard-top was a  _ shiny _ red. I wasn’t a real car guy, but…  _ holy shit _ . 

My uncle let out a low whistle from behind us, before turning to Eridan, and looking them up and down. Then, he raised the brow, and I  _ wanted to cry _ . 

“ _ You _ ’ _ re _ going to drive  _ that _ ?”

Eridan only blinked, as if they’d… forgotten their exact height, before smiling.

“I’ll manage, sir.”

I physically wanted to slam my head against the hard-top of the jeep, and give myself a concussion. 

“Well, wear your seatbelts, kids.”

Eridan followed me to the passenger side, staring quizzically at me as I considered the distance to the seat, and prepared to jump up to it. They groaned, before rolling their eyes, and lifting me up and over with a single hand. 

I pulled my seatbelt on, and looked back at the front door, raising a single brow, before noticing it’d already been closed, and sighing in relief. 

  
  


I  _ really  _ hoped my uncle didn’t see that.

  
  


Then, Eridan walked to the driver’s seat almost  _ effortlessly _ , as if they were  _ floating _ through the rain. As if to add more insult to the wound, they simply opened the door, glanced at the seat, before taking a leap upwards, and then… they were seated in it. 

I blinked in confusion, leaning back against the seat, and then reaching for the… other seatbelt - only to find too many handles, and too many straps. I sat up, looking down in confusion as I tried to fix them - pull them on the right way, but there were too many, and too many possible places for them to go. 

“What’th all thith?”

“Off-roadin’ harness,”

Eridan spoke in a ‘duh!’ tone as they reached for the rearview mirror, and fixed it down to where it was showing them only their own face. Then, they looked over at my… struggle, and chuckled. 

I swallowed as they reached over for me. 

“Uh-oh.”

They fixed the belt with little difficulty, and I was  _ so fucking thankful _ my uncle had decided to fuck off, because that meant he couldn’t see how Eridan’s left hand lingered along the button of my jeans, and somehow managed to find the single bit of exposed skin throughout all the layers of fabric. I held my breath, and just leaned back, trying to focus on drifting my blood supply  _ somewhere else _ , and maybe… not hyperventilating. 

Their right hand caressed my cheek in an almost comforting manner, and their left hand moved right back to my thigh, which was… an innocent enough position for it. 

“You’re  _ so _ easy.”

Eridan pulled away entirely, a simile definitely on their lips as they turned the key, and the engine roared to life. 

I tried catching my breath as they pulled out of the driveway, and by the time we were at the first streetlight, I was finally ready, and mentally ready to speak. 

“This is… a big jeep you have,”

“It’s Rufioh’s. I didn’t think you’d w-want to run the entire w-way, so I borrow-wed it.”

“Where the hell do you even keep this thing?”

“Garage. W-We built one in the back, considerin’ w-we’d definitely put it to use.”

“Huh.”

I nodded dumbly, not really understanding any of that at all, but it was fine. Totally okay. This was in fact, perfectly normal, and I was okay. 

I grinned to myself, before leaning forward, and looking down at them. 

“So, what about your seatbelt, Eridan?”

They shot me a disbelieving look, and I laughed at it for a split-second, before something sunk in. 

“Wait, run the  _ whole _ way? Ath in… we’re thtill going to run… thome of the way?”

My voice raised the further I went into the sentence… either out of disbelief, or fear. 

“W-Well, you w-won’t be runnin’, if that helps.”

“I’m… going to be sick.”

No, seriously. I felt my head start spinning, and my throat felt tight, and I certainly should have brought a bag with me. 

“You’ll be fine. Remember to breathe. An’... keep your eyes closed.”

I swallowed, before leaning back against the seat, and groaning out loud. What…  _ what _ exactly had I done to deserve  _ this _ ?

Eridan reached for my hand, gently grabbing it from where it sat, tightly clenched, and brought it to their lips, pressing a kiss to it. 

“You smell  _ so _ good in the rain.”

They spoke as if it was an explanation for their sudden action, and I furrowed my brows. 

“In… what way?”

My voice bordered on cautious, and almost annoyed. 

“Both w-ways. All the w-ways.”

They shrugged as they spoke, and then exhaled. 

  
  


By some strange miracle - I wasn’t really sure  _ how _ \- Eridan found their way through the thick downpour, and somehow,  _ somehow _ , found a road that was less of a main road, and more of the side of a mountain path. For a long while, conversation was actually impossible - I was bouncing up and down the seat in jackhammer-like motions, and Eridan thought that was the single funniest damn thing - but it was actually pretty enjoyable, even with all the discomfort. 

And then, after what only felt like ten minutes, we reached the end of the road. What once was easily noticed streetlights was now a field of green, and then  _ more _ green. There was a wall of green trees surrounding the jeep on every single corner, and the rain was a mere drizzle by now. It slowed second by second, the sky brighter through the overcast of clouds. 

“Hm… sorry Sol’, but w-we’ll hav-ve to go on foot from here.”

“Actually, I think I’ll wait for you here.”

Eridan only grinned, already at my side of the car, unbuckling me in a blur. 

“No, theriouthly. It’th fine, I’ll get thethe, you go ahead.”

My protests were futile against Eridan, as they finished pulling off the harness. They mused for a quick few seconds, before lifting themselves onto the passenger seat, and then… onto  _ me _ . 

I gulped anxiously, keeping my hands at my sides, away from  _ them _ , and leaning as far back into the seat as I physically could. 

“It seems I’m goin’ to hav-ve to tamper w-with your memory.”

I turned my head to the window, looking out in a pathetic attempt to separate myself from the entire…  _ current _ situation. It was barely misting out - Kanaya was going to be right. 

“T-Tamper with?”

My voice definitely raised in octaves with the stutter, and I was sure I was…  _ definitely _ visually nervous. 

“Somethin’ like that.”

They only watched me intently, seriously - as you would an experiment, a science project - they weren’t even leaning forward, instead just sitting casually on my lap, as if it were a normal seat. Now that I thought of it, they really didn’t weigh much at all. 

Somewhere deep, deep in their voice, was a single ounce of hidden humor. 

They placed their hands on either side of my shoulders, and then leaned forward, forcing me into the seat, but they were so much closer now - their face only mere inches from mine - and I had no way of escaping.  _ Did I even want to _ ?

“Now-w,” Eridan exhaled, and even their  _ scent _ made my head spin… “W-What exactly are you w-worried about?”

“Uh…” I gulped. “Hitting a tree? Dying. Getting sick, too.”

They fought back a smile, butterscotch eyes shimmering in the dark, before lowering their head, and pressing their cool lips against the hollow of my throat. 

“In that exact order?”

“Yes… trees. Motion sickness. Running in the rain.”

My voice came out rushed, almost a whisper, and Eridan chuckled, before lifting their head upwards. Their nose drew a line up the skin of my throat and to the point of my chin, before they inhaled sharply, and pressed an almost-invisible kiss to the skin. 

“An’... now-w?”

Motion sickness. 

Trees. 

Dying. 

Sickness. 

Trees?

Motion. 

Death?

Motion?

Trees… 

I blinked a few times in confusion, before looking up to Eridan, and furrowing my brows. 

Eridan. 

I settled on that as the specific answer, and gave them a small grin, before staring dumbly at them. 

“...What?”

They seemed satisfied by this, and I could be satisfied by this entire… situation too. They lifted their head up, and pressed a single kiss to each of my eyelids, before exhaling. 

“Sollux, I’ll keep you safe.”

“I trust you.”

Eridan smiled at that, before leaning back now, entirely satisfied with my response, and then they reached for my hands, and intertwined our fingers, before just… clinging to them. 

“There’s nothin’ to be afraid of, you see?”

“No,”

I sighed, far too happy to give up any internal dilemma I’d been facing ten seconds prior, and this was… good. This was nice, right? Holding hands with them,  _ enjoying _ their company and the sort of… really weird high they’d just given me, right?

Then Eridan let go of my hands, and instead reached for my head, pressing their cool lips against mine. 

I… really, should have known better by this point. There was no excuse for my behavior, and I was entirely guilty. Fine, cool, even. And… yet, I couldn’t stop myself from acting the same way I had the first time. Instead of keeping  _ safely motionless _ , my hands found their way to their waist, and I was totally fucking  _ welded onto _ their alabaster figure. I lowered a hand to grip at their lower thigh as I moved to suckle on their lower lip, very much so  _ sucking face _ , before Eridan staggered back, breaking my grip effortlessly. 

“Fuckin’  _ hell _ , Sollux!” their voice cut off into a high, incessant whine, before they quickly inhaled, flaring their nostrils, and diverting their suddenly dilated pupils to anything  _ but _ me. “You’re goin’ to be the death a’ me, I sw-wear it.”

I only blinked, definitely… confused. And maybe facing some serious whiplash. All of the above? I swallowed, and leaned back against my seat, trying to catch my breath. 

“You’re indestructible, you’ll be fine.”

Eridan only hopped off of me, and off of the entire jeep in a single fluid motion, before crossing their arms, and glaring up at me. 

“That w-was quite certainly plausible before  _ you _ ,” they spat the words accusingly, and I almost felt  _ offended _ . “How-wev-ver, that  _ clearly _ isn’t the case. Let’s get out a’ here before I do somethin’ really stupid. 

They reached a hand out to me, and I gladly took it, getting out of the jeep in a… less than graceful motion… happily choosing to ignore the  _ very obvious _ growl that escaped their lips as they spoke.  _ Hard-drive _ ?  _ Check _ . 

  
  


My feet didn’t reach the floor. Instead, almost instantaneously after the moment I hopped off of the jeep, I was thrown against Eridan’s back, and my only natural instinct was to wrap my  _ way too long _ legs around their  _ way too short _ waist, and hope for the best. 

“Thith ith… fucking ridiculouth.”

“Close your eyes, an’ stop w-whinin’.”

Eridan’s warning was genuine, but light-hearted. I blinked at it, feeling like a damn gorilla clinging to a gazelle, but I still hid my head into their shoulder blade, under my own arm. If I didn’t have scoliosis before, I definitely did now. 

They exhaled, I squeezed my eyes shut, and then… we were just drifting… or something like that. It was actually ridiculous, we - Eridan could have just been walking casually on the sidewalk, and I wouldn’t have been able to notice the difference. The movement was so smooth - far too smooth, and it really felt as though we were flying. Were we? I almost opened my eyes to check, but I wasn’t sure Eridan would be really happy to… deal with the flurry of vomit that’d surely proceed after. I kept myself sated by just counting their breaths as they came and went, the motions and sounds so even, so perfect. It was definitely ironic, considering how… dead they were. Dead as hell. 

I wasn’t sure we’d even stopped until they reached back, and tapped me. 

“Sol’, lov-ve, it’s ov-ver.”

I hesitantly opened my eyes, and surely enough, we were entirely still, and my range of view was way lower than usual. How  _ did  _ Eridan live like  _ this _ ?

I stiffly unlocked my hold on them, and somehow forgot to catch my balance half-way through the motion, instead slipping down onto the ground, and landing right on my ass. 

“Shit!”

I huffed as I hit the wet ground, and then looked up. 

Eridan stared for a few seconds, lips pursed tightly, eyes incredulous… and I almost cringed, bracing myself for the explosion of weird, mixed signals that would follow. Instead, my expression must have pushed them over the edge, because they broke into a roar of laughter, and I actually  _ jumped _ at the sound. How the  _ fuck  _ did  _ that  _ come out of  _ that _ ?

I picked myself up, ignoring them as I brushed off the mud and mess of brambles off the back of my jacket… and my  _ ass _ . That only made Eridan laugh  _ harder _ , and I was almost genuinely concerned. Almost. My annoyance reigned supreme, and I turned away from them, content on walking off into the forest. 

Instead, their hands found mine, and they quickly intertwined our fingers, pulling me back to them. 

“W-Where are you goin’, Sollux?”

“To watch a batheball game.”

They hummed thoughtfully, pressing up against my back as they held me close by my hand, before sighing. 

“You’re going the w-wrong w-way.”

They ran their nails along my hand, almost  _ examining _ my skin, and I suppressed a shiver. 

Instead, I pulled away from them and quickly turned around, now content on going the correct way. 

Eridan was back on me within less than a second, and I didn’t know whether to be more annoyed with them, or the fact that I  _ counted _ . 

“Don’t be mad, Sollux. Really, I couldn’t help myself… you should’v-ve seen your face,”

They chuckled before they could stop themselves, and I only groaned, before reaching over for them, and pulling them to the front of me - to actually… properly face me. 

“You  _ have _ to stop treating me like… I’m going to…  _ break _ if you touch me.”

Eridan stared down at their own feet, or maybe the ground - before looking back up at me, still clinging to my hands. 

“Sol’, I’m not… mad at  _ you _ , for being… as breakable as you are.”

I raised a brow, and then sighed. 

“‘Sollux, you’ll be the death a’ me?,’”

I quoted their exact words with a bitter expression, and Eridan’s brows furrowed.

“Simple statement… fact. Statement a’ fact.”

“You were mad.”

“Not at  _ you _ . Can’t you see that?”

Eridan’s voice was serious now, all traces of teasing suddenly gone, and I was… taken aback by it. 

“Thee  _ what _ ?”

My voice was sterner now, too. It was definitely a result of the confusion from their sudden moodswing.

“I’m nev-ver angry w-with  _ you _ . How-w… could I ev-ven be,” they ran their hands along my arms, thoughtfully. “...brav-ve, trustin’... snarky, w-warm an’ breakable... as you are.”

“I’m not breakable.”

I sounded more childish now, as if I was offended by the simple statement of a fact, and… really, I was. How could someone that was less than five feet tall call  _ me _ breakable?

“You are.”

Eridan’s tone swiftly ended that discussion. 

“So, what are you… mad at...about?”

“Myself. Alw-ways me. Really, it’s… hard not to be. How-w could I allow-w myself to ev-ver put  _ you _ in harm’s w-way…? An’ yet… here I am, doin’ it ov-ver an’ ov-ver again, for my ow-wn selfish gain. Really, I… should hate myself for it, I… certainly do sometimes. I should be better… stronger, able to-”

I pulled away from their hands, instead reaching for their chin, and turning their head up to face me. 

“Thtop. Theriouthly.”

Eridan only stared, eyes wide, before resting their own hand against mine, and pulling it to their cheek, so they could turn their face to it. They pressed a gentle kiss into the skin, inhaling… and then exhaling. 

“I lov-ve you. It’s a horrid excuse for this, but it’s true.”

Then, they pulled away, a bit more composed than before, and reached for my hand. I gave it, and held onto them as if my life depended on it. 

With… their whole family waiting for us, didn’t it?

“Now-w, please try to behav-ve yourself.”

Their voice was as quiet as ever, before they bent me down to where I was their own height, and softly brushed their lips against mine. I stayed… begrudgingly still, and then it was over, and Eridan was holding onto my hand, tight as ever. 

I exhaled annoyingly, before looking ahead. 

“You promised Chief Vantas you’d have me home in time, remember? Might be best to get a move on.”

“Yes, sir.”

I tried to ignore the backflips that made my stomach devolve into, and instead focus on the main… thing that clouded my brain. 

_ Eridan Maryam said they loved me.  _

They might have not realized they’d even said it, but I sure did, and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. 

_ When could I say it back _ ?

  
  


They smiled wistfully, holding onto my hand tightly, before leading me forward a few feet through tall, wet ferns and draping moss, and then around a massive hemlock tree, before we were finally there. It really, an enormous clearing, and it was only logical it’d be used as a field. It was twice the size of any baseball stadium, and the view was… actually fucking amazing. 

“Woah…”

“Nice, right?”

I could see the others now; Dolorosa, Rufioh and Porrim were the closest to us now - sitting on what seemed to be uncomfortable piles of rock. They were a few couple of hundred yards away from us, and then much further out, Kanaya and Gamzee were playing fetch with…  _ something _ , but I couldn’t see any ball in sight. Furthest away, Psiion seemed to be marking bases, but they couldn’t be  _ that _ far apart, could they?

When we finally came into view, the three sitting on the rocks rose, with Dolorosa starting towards us - Rufioh following, after a long, long look at Porrim’s back. She’d stood up, stared at us for a split second, before gracefully turning away, and walking off in the opposite direction. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d done now, but maybe… my uncle’s prior assessment of her wasn’t far off. 

“Was that you we heard, Eridan?”

Dolorosa mused curiously. I looked at them in confusion, before Rufioh clarified. 

“It sounded like a bear choking.”

“Oh, yeah, that was Eridan.”

Eridan’s eyes widened towards me as Rufioh chuckled, before they turned to their mother, and huffed. 

“Sollux w-was bein’ unintentionally funny.”

They spoke as if that somehow settled the score, but Dolorosa only gave them a knowing nod, and then they all turned to the side. I followed - not wanting to be left out. Kanaya had left her position and was running - dancing - flying towards us, before coming to a complete stop at our feet. I blinked incredulously, but she ignored it, instead smiling… sort of creepily. Also comfortingly. All at once. 

“It’s time!”

Right as she announced it, a crack of thunder shook the forest below us, and crashed westward towards town. I found myself clinging to Eridan, even despite my obvious fearlessness. They absentmindedly papped my arm that was now wrapped around their arm, before Rufioh looked at us both, and then me. 

“Eerie, isn’t it?”

He spoke with a smirk and familiarity, and I swallowed, before smiling at him. 

“A little… yeah.”

Kanaya rolled her eyes before grabbing Rufioh’s hand, pulling him back with a silent ‘let’s go,’ and then they were both running - flying off, with him nearly as graceful as her - though, he could never exactly be compared to a dove… or a gazelle. 

“You ready?”

Eridan mumbled, still rubbing at my arm, trying to hide their own excitement by comforting me. I pulled away, trying to stand tall and seem appropriately enthusiastic - but all I could muster was a weak “Go team!”, to which Eridan snickered at. 

Then, they were holding my hand tightly and gave it a single last squeeze, before pulling away entirely, and running off after their siblings. Their run was more aggressive, more like a cheetah than the other too, and they quickly caught up with the other two, which somehow managed to knock the wind out of me. Vampires were fucking weird. 

  
  


“Shall we go down?”

Dolorosa asked in her soft, melodic voice, and I realized I’d been staring openmouthed after them - I quickly reassessed myself, before giving her a smile. Dolorosa still kept a few feet between us, though I got the impression it was mainly to not scare me, and she matched her stride to mine, without ever seeming impatient. Amazing as Eridan was, her presence was the most calming to be around, hands down. 

“You don’t play with them?”

I found myself questioning it as we walked, and she simply shook her head. 

“No, I prefer to referee… keeps them honest.”

“So, they like to cheat?”

“Oh, do they? You should hear the arguments they get into over it… actually, it’d be best if you didn’t! You’d think they were raised by a pack of wolves.”

I laughed with her, a little surprised at her blunt honesty. 

“You… sound like my aunt, honestly.”

She seemed to light up at that, and gave a warm smile. 

“My husband and I think of them as our kids, in a way… aren’t they really, though? He’s far too easy on them though, especially with letting them get away with… for example, cheating during these outings. He never really got over his fatherly instincts, did Eridan tell you he lost a child?”

“I…” I blinked, trying to remember what lifetime she was remembering. “...no, they didn’t.”

“His first, and only son. He was only a few years old, the poor tiny thing… apparently he looked a lot like you! How funny is that? ...It broke his heart, the fragile little human. That’s why he jumped off the cliff, you know.”

She spoke in a matter-of-fact tone, and it almost took away from the horror in my face. 

“Eridan just… Eridan didn’t say he j-jumped-”

I stammered awkwardly, and she sighed wistfully, before nodding. 

“Always saving face,” She gave a smile. “Eridan was the first of my children. I’ve always thought of them in that way, even though we met in less than ideal circumstances. Regardless, as difficult as they may be, I’m glad they’ve found you, dear.”

The endearment sounded far too natural, and I almost wanted to believe it. Could their own… mother… like me?

“You don’t mind that I’m… all… wrong for them? Human, I mean?”

She seemed to think about it for a few moments - a crease quickly appeared on her forehead before disappearing, and she smiled warmly once again. 

“No. You’re what they want, and it’ll work out… somehow.”

Another peal of thunder began, and Dolorosa stopped, then. We’d already reached the edge of the field, and everyone else had formed teams. Eridan was far out in the left field, Psiion stood between the first and second bases, and Kanaya held the ball, positioned on a spot that seemed to be the pitcher’s mound. 

Rufioh was swinging an aluminum bat, tossing it between each hand as if it were a simple stick, and I waited for him to reach home plate before realizing he was already there. It was just… obviously, placed farther than humanely possible. Gamzee stood several feet behind him, catching for the other team. Of course, as if to add insult to injury, none of them had gloves on. 

I stood behind Dolorosa, almost a little terrified for myself, and she took a step forward, before speaking clearly. 

  
  


“All right,” 

It wasn’t yelling, but simply… speaking. As if she were talking to someone else, though I knew even Eridan could hear it, as far away as they were. 

“Batter up.”

  
  


Kanaya stood straight, entirely motionless.  _ Too _ motionless. I quickly realized her style of game was stealth, rather than intimidating windup, and swallowed audibly. She held the ball out in her hands, and then, like the strike of… a fucking cobra, or something, her right hand flicked out and the ball smacked into Gamzee’s hand. 

“That’s a strike, right?”

“If they don’t hit it, it’s a strike.”

“Cool.”

Gamzee hurled the ball back into Kanaya’s grasp with an instantaneous sweep of his arm, the type of movement that would  _ dislocate  _ it, and she caught it quickly, with no effort whatsoever. She allowed herself to crack a single grin, before it faltered - I realized baseball was serious stuff for them - and then her hand spun out again, and I was briefly deafened. 

This time Rufioh’s bat made it out in time to smash into the ball, and the single impact of it was shattering - thunderous, even. The condition of it taking place during a thunderstorm made sense, even if my eardrums rang desperately because of the sound, and my brows furrowed. 

The ball shot up like a damn asteroid above the field, and then deep, deep into the forest. 

“That… has to be a home run, right?”

Dolorosa only looked ahead, mumurring a single “wait,” with her hand raised. Rufioh was a blur around the bases, Psiion shadowing him, and it was only then that I noticed Eridan was missing. 

I blinked, looking around desperately for them, almost  _ worried they’d gotten hurt _ , before Dolorosa’s clear voice broke my thought process. 

“Out!”

I looked ahead in utter disbelief as Eridan practically bolted out of the fringe of the trees, ball in hand, and surprisingly… intact. Their wide grin was visible, even to me - cocky as ever. 

“Rufioh hits the hardest, but… Eridan runs the fastest.”

The inning continued before my eyes, and for once, I was actually interested in the sport, but I just  _ couldn _ ’ _ t _ keep up. It was physically impossible to keep up with speed at which the ball flew, speed at which they all  _ ran _ , and the rate at which their bodies flew against the field. It was almost small, the field - or at least, they made it seem like it was. 

I learned the other reason they needed thunderstorms when Gamzee, trying to avoid Eridan’s endless, infallible fielding, hit a ground ball towards Psiion. Psiion ran into the ball, and then promptly raced Gamzee to first base. They collided, and I… definitely had to bring earmuffs the next time I was around. The sound was like literal crashing boulders, and even with all the damage they’d just done, they were both… virtually unscathed. 

“Safe.”

Dolorosa called in a calm voice, and I only gave her a wide-eyed look, to which she smiled. 

Rufioh’s team was up by one point, considering Porrim had managed to flit around the bases after tagging up one of his long flies - when Eridan caught the third out. They practically sprinted to my side like an eager puppy, eyes literally shining with excitement, and I resisted the urge to pet their hair. 

“So, w-what do you think?”

Well, for starters, I  _ definitely _ have a thing for baseball. 

“I’ll never be able to sit through another dull Major League Baseball game, that’s for sure.”

They crossed their arms, and then hummed thoughtfully. 

“You clearly did so much of that before.”

Eridan teased with a dimpled smile, and I caught my breath, before laughing. 

“Alright, I am a… little disappointed.”

“W-Why?”

The smile faltered at that, and they looked almost concerned. 

“It’d be pretty fucking great if there was… something you  _ didn _ ’ _ t _ do better than everyone else on the planet.”

Then they were thinking, or at least they seemed to be, before the smile returned. 

“W-When I think a’ one, I’ll let you know-w.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m up.”

“You’re up.”

Eridan smiled at me with all teeth now, and I found myself returning it, even as they ran off, heading for the plate. 

  
  


Even with the fact that I wanted nothing more than to poke fun at them and say they were way too fucking short to play the sport properly, they still… played intelligently. They kept the ball low, away from Porrim’s always-ready hand in the outfield, gaining two bases like lightening before Rufioh could even get the ball back in play. Psiion knocked one so far out of the field - it physically felt like my ears were  _ bleeding  _ \- that he and Eridan both made it in, and received dainty high fives from an overly enthusiastic Kanaya. 

The score constantly changed as they played, and they razzed each other like any street ballplayers with the turns they took on the lead. Occasionally Dolorosa would have to call them to order when an argument or two broke out, though Eridan surprisingly - as loud and obnoxious as they sometimes were - was on pretty good behavior, only getting overly defensive when someone accused Psiion of cheating. The thunder rumbled on, but we stayed dry - as Kanaya had predicted. 

By the end of the game, my knees were practically buckled over in exhaustion, and somehow, everyone still looked pretty eager to continue, which was actually just fucking insulting. 

Genuinely. 

Still, the thunder was finally residing, and the rest of them had made a collective decision to get a head-start on hunting  _ before _ their trip, whilst… Eridan would simply drive me home, because they didn’t deem me capable of making it home myself. For once, given my state of exhaustion - seriously, baseball for  _ three fucking hours _ ?! - I totally accepted that, and resigned myself to being hauled to the jeep by a vampire half my size, wearing the same baseball jersey as their damn father - but totally altered to fit their size. I was definitely  _ not _ going to let them live that down, when I was… more awake, and more willing to come up with a decent insult that just didn’t state how adorable I really found them, even as they slung me over their shoulder effortlessly. 

  
  


_ Seriously, is this why short people love dating taller people _ ?  _ I totally understand why so many people like me, it’s not even about the looks - who DOESN’T want to be held like they weigh nothing _ ?  _ Shit’s fucking top-notch, superior fucking species shit right here, right damn here, oh my GOD _ .  _ Jesus Fuckin’ Christ, can I really switch heights with this kid, right now _ ?  _ I think that’s really fair, given the situation, given the whole… fact that they ARE superior, they deserve to be taller and I deserve to be small and weightless, held by everyone and everything, it literally doesn’t get better than this, does it _ ? 

  
  


I woke up the moment we started driving along the mountain-side road, smacking my face right onto the solid window of Eridan - Rufioh’s jeep, and then groaning loudly, and then sitting up, and leaning forward. The harness kept me decently in place, and Eridan hummed incessantly as they drove, though the closer I listened to it, they  _ were definitely singing along to the radio _ , and holy shit, if that wasn’t literally the  _ best  _ thing to wake up to.

“You are thuch a fucking edgelord.”

_ Of course, I was the edgelord too, for recognizing the band - we’d overlook that, for now _ . 

I raised a hand to my forehead as I spoke, rubbing along the definite bruise from the window, and Eridan only chuckled, before exhaling. 

“You talk in your sleep. A lot. It’s kind a’ nice to finally know-w w-what exactly you’re thinkin’, ev-ven if… you really w-want to be carried around a lot. I can do that, if you can handle the social repercussions.”

I groaned at that, laughing dryly even though the simple motion made my head throb further, before leaning back into the seat, and sighing loudly. 

“Shit, go for it, honestly. Carry me around everywhere, wherever you’d like, ED. I’ll be your little human boy-toy for… as long as you want.”

“Until you’re not.”

_ Wasn’t that obvious, though _ ?  _ Eventually, they’d turn me, and we’d be as happy as Rufioh and Porrim were, or maybe we’d be the next Dolorosa and Psiion - they’d definitely be the hot doctor, though _ .  _ I just was pretty… squeamish around that sort of thing, obviously _ . 

“Yeah, until you decide to turn me.”

Eridan’s shoulders visibly tensed at that, but for now, with the deafening throbbing of my freshly bruised head and the echo of guitar and bass behind us, it was easy to overlook it. Right now, everything was perfect, and I could work with that. 

They simply inhaled, before resting their hand between our seats, and I took it quickly. 

They squeezed my hand once, and then exhaled. 

“Until then.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘seventeen tracks and i’ve had it with this game..’ 
> 
> and if it helps, it won’t end how you probably think it will. good luck guessing what happens! ...or don’t. make me do all the hard work, whatever.


	18. Impatience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was only gone for 2 months... nothing much i swear

I was ninety-nine percent sure I was dreaming.

  
  


No… make it around… eighty-five. The reasons were there, certainly. I’d be blind to miss the sudden shaft of sunlight running across my face, and then lowering onto my arms like a spotlight with the strings cut. The amount of sunlight was certainly none of the kind I’d ever seen in Seattle… let alone Forks. It looked close to that of Jacksonville’s, and reminded me of the unintentional tan I’d gotten whilst I waited outside of the hospital for Mituna’s physical exam results.

  
  


Yet, even with the Florida sun gleaming through the canopy of branches, it was cold. Well… I couldn’t feel it. That… clarified that this was a dream. The snow fell and stuck to my hair, my boots, and the inches of it already on the ground, and I… didn’t feel it. I didn’t even feel the heat from the rays of sunlight, which was… fine.

I looked down to my hands, and simply frowned at the lack of change in them. They were still their lively shade of chestnut, with the splotchy flush of red taking up my knuckles, and the tips of my fingers. It was fine, wasn’t it? At least the me in my possible dream was alive, and well. There was nothing wrong with that, and I swallowed back any ounce of bitterness that climbed up my throat.

  
  


I found myself turning my head upwards, and only sighed in relief. It was quite honestly the best possible sight to be met with, and I half considered falling to my knees, before sort of standing up, and rushing towards it - them. A view like that demanded any…  _ every _ quantity of worship, and there was no simple humane way I’d give it any less. I was sure it was illegal, ignoring that view. The law against it was certainly… in a law book… somewhere. On the practice sheet for the bar exam, possibly.

Eridan stood there, in the far middle of the clearing, hand extended towards me, and a relaxed, serene smile on their face - but motionless. Impossibly motionless, and even though I felt as though that degree of motionlessness warranted concern, I couldn’t find myself questioning it, or being shocked. The sun almost reflected off of their marbled skin, half-blinding me when the rays managed to hit my eye, and even then… why exactly would I take my eyes off of them? They looked as though they were a statue in Pavlovsk Park, and I found myself comforted by that.

  
  


I couldn’t move, even if my body felt it was the proper thing to do. I wanted nothing, absolutely nothing than to move to them - be near them,  _ hold  _ them… and yet… every single increment of movement I tried to make was met with static. Pure static. It was as though I’d lifted a limb, and someone holding the remote to the invisible shock collar slung around my neck pressed a single button, and yet… why was I being punished? I was simply reaching for the sight in front of me - the person I was meant to be with, I was sure - and I was shocked. My brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the different meanings behind this all, so busy being utterly entranced with the person - thing - mystical being in front of me. 

Eridan never moved, and the static grew stronger, now extending from the tips of my fingers to my wrists, and then my elbows as I gritted my teeth together, and strained against it. Nothing… worked. No, I was moving back now, further away from them - and their serene smile faltered - glitched in between the cracks -  _ broke _ , and they didn’t even look… upset. I could handle being upset - I could handle it and still walk through fire if I had to, but Eridan only looked disappointed now, and the static had reached my shoulder blades, part of it transferring to my neck - the other to my chest, and I tried to inhale - tried to calm my nerves, but I couldn’t  _ breathe _ . 

The static was more of a fire now, buzzing sharply at my throat and lungs with nonstop incessity - it was as though I’d swallowed a cloud of smoke, walked through a fire with no mask - and through it all, the straining of my jaw, the flexing of my throat, the dry, sharp ache never stopped, and I was on my knees now. I hunched over, grasping and scratching at my throat in a vain attempt to stop the burn, lungs and chest heaving in utter panic at the lack of oxygen, and in the split-second I looked up…

Eridan wasn’t there anymore. 

Instead, I felt a sharp thud against my chest, the cracking of what seemed to be a rib and possibly my spine - and then I fell back, and there was no movement in the last second. I looked upwards, eyes now blurry - the pain thrashing through every fiber of my being, and Eridan’s face was hollow. Perfectly put-together, but lips still, brows furrowed, nostrils flared. They were here to save me, were they not? 

  
  


I felt a small, familiar hand tangle through my hair and welcomed it happily. Eridan gave no expression, staring at me blankly, before dipping down, and for a second, I felt peace, and then fire. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


The ride home from there was easily forgettable, for the most part. If I tried hard enough… managed to clear my head from the confusing dream that’d clouded it, I could focus mainly on the scrunched brows framing Eridan’s face, and the vast difference in color compared to the fire-like hair on their head. They seemed perplexed, almost contemplating something, and I pursed my lips into a thin line as I leaned forward to look at them, before swallowing, and running my thumb over their hand.

Had I said the wrong thing? It seemed like the logical thing to do… made the most sense, at least in my own human head. They’d given me a small, miniscule glimpse at a reality too  _ perfect _ to be real, so how could they complain when I simply wanted to share it with them? It was selfish of them, and as I gnawed at the piercing in my lip, I furrowed my own brows, before pulling my hand away from theirs, and shoving it into the pocket of my jacket.

Eridan reacted instantaneously, golden eyes flashing to mine, before their lips broke into a confused frown.

“W-Wha..?”

“Or not.”

It was almost laughable to witness how their brain short-circuited for once, before they finally understood what I was getting off, and giving me a wide eyed look of exasperation that mirrored Karkat’s.

“Sollux Captor, you couldn’t possibly be serious about this-”

“What if I am?” My voice cut through their mocking tone like scissors through paper, and I tried to ignore the little edge of emotion that clung to my words for my own ounce of sanity. “...Is it too fucking much to want an eternity with the person I fucking love?”

Eridan blinked slowly, before pulling over to a patch of dirt on the edge of the mountainside road, before glaring at me, and only subtly shaking their head.

“You hav-ve no idea w-what you’re ev-ven askin’ for, Sollux.”

I didn’t think about my response, instead letting my emotions do all of the work as of now. I’d regret it eventually, like all things. I ran a shaky hand through my hair, before only laughing miserably, and then exhaling.

“I’m asking for you. I don’t fucking care about the blood part, I don’t fucking care about being… dead, or whatever the fuck type of excuthe you’ll find, I want  _ you _ . I want the person I love to be able to fucking hold me without wanting to kill me-”

“An’ if you’d been logical an’ decided to date Feferi, you’d hav-ve that.”

It was my turn to blink now, so I did. I blinked slowly, leaning back into my seat as if I couldn’t exactly believe what I was hearing, as if I was trying to comprehend and calculate how exactly Eridan had the audacity, before sitting back up, and staring at Eridan’s perfect face, and the angelic scrunch of their nose.

“What the  _ fuck _ does Feferi have to do with thith?”

“Feferi has ev-verythin’ to do w-with this because she w-would hav-ve been a hell a’ lot healthier for you to be w-with, you w-wouldn’t hav-ve to ask her to fuckin’ kill you just so she could hold your hand-”

“I’m going to die regardless! Don’t you fucking get it? I’m dying every second of every fucking day, it wouldn’t change a thing-”

Eridan glared at me, the words escaping their lips faster than I could count, yet sharper than any blade I could press to my skin.

“Not like fuckin’ this. You’re goin’ to die properly, after a long fuckin’ happy life, an’ not just because you’re caught up in the first of your many teen romances. You aren’t goin’ to turn into a fuckin’ monster for me.”

I leaned back into the seat like a stubborn child, swallowing any words that threatened to escape my throat, before pressing my lips together again, and glaring out the window.

  
  


We sat in silence for what felt like minutes - no, hours - before Eridan finally exhaled, and started the engine again. And I almost sighed in relief, but Eridan pulled out of the patch of dirt quietly, and continued on wordlessly, as if I wasn’t sitting beside them. It was almost… it felt like a sort of strange punishment, something they’d decided I was deserving of for simply wanting to be with them. It was… exhausting, in every sense of the word. I was suddenly very exhausted, and in the corner of my mind, I knew it had everything to do with Eridan.

  
  


I wracked my mind solemnly for any plausible way to salvage the evening, but by the time Eridan had pulled into the front of my house, I still hadn’t come up with anything. Were they always this cold? Literally… and apparently, metaphorically as well. I suppressed an instinctual shudder as I sat up, reaching to struggle with the harness for a split-second, ignoring the panic rising through my chest, and the staticy feeling racing through my head, and making my vision blur. 

Eridan reached over, small fingers solving the harness and snapping it off just as I’d gotten the hang of it, and that was all I needed for the dam to burst open.

I shoved their lithe hands away, or - tried to, as their overall stiffness was hard to push aside without the aid of inhuman strength - and instead failed spectacularly, yanking it off of myself the second they loosened it, and threw it to the side before leaning back onto the seat, and inhaling sharply. They made no motions to speak, and it was the only signal of lack of interest I needed.

  
  


“So, tho what? What wath the point of you even showing me that - bringing me in, what wath the fucking point, Eridan?”

Eridan didn’t even blink, eyes sharply focused ahead, mouth pressed into a thin line, and I found myself continuing.

“...becauthe,  _ fuck _ , I jutht - I don’t fucking get it. Are you mocking me? Is thith like thome thtupid fucking joke over how fucking pathetic I am?”

“I…” Eridan started, effectively speechless for the time being, before simply exhaling. “I should hav-ve nev-ver brought you here. I’m so sorry.”

I felt my eyes rolling from behind my glasses, biting back against my tongue for a single second before leaning forward, and blinking at them.

“ _ Thorry _ ? Fucking hell, you’re fucking thorry now? What don’t you underthtand-”

“You’re talkin’ about killin’ yourself ov-ver me!”

Their voice was finally showing some semblance of emotion, as if the conversation was finally beginning to affect them how it’d affected me. Still, I wasn’t ready to back down from my stance on things.

“I’ll die regardless! I’d rather die than be with Feferi, Tavros, fuck, even fucking Equius - I’d rather die than be with anyone that isn’t you-”

“You’re bein’ melodramatic.”

“Well, then don’t start being ridiculous.”

  
  


Eridan glared out the windshield, their expression black, before they killed the engine, and exhaled sharply. I looked over, noticing their hands clenched around the steering wheel, and felt an ounce of pity.

  
  


“You don’t get to take my choice on things.”

Still, it wasn’t enough to make me apologize for simply standing my ground on what I chose for my own future.

“W-Well, you’d better start lookin’ for someone other than me or my family to help you w-with that.”

  
  


They cracked the smallest hint of a smile, and I bit my lip for a single second, before gently thumping my head against the seat, and exhaling.

“Will you stay tonight?”

Eridan gave me a single judging glance - one that definitely asked if I was being serious - before deeming that I absolutely was, and pursing their lips.

“I should go.”

The absolute last thing I wanted was for them to wallow in recluse and remorse, and in turn avoid me, or give me much more complicated sentences to decipher.

“You’re going to be gone for my birthday, it’s the least you can do.”

“You can’t possibly hav-ve it tw-wo w-ways, either you w-want me to acknow-wledge your birthday, or you don’t, Sollux.”

Their voice was stern, sharper than I was used to, but less serious than before. I exhaled in relief, and reached for their hand, giving it a squeeze, before reaching to unbuckle the seatbelt.

“Okay, I’ve decided to spend as much time as possible with you before you leave…” I paused for a second, wondering if the previous argument was truly pointless, or not. “...I’ll see you upstairs.”

I hopped out of the jeep, ignoring Eridan’s adorably furious pout, before slamming the door behind me, and walking towards the porch without as much as a second glance back.

* * *

It seemed as though my uncle had stayed up - as soon as I reached the front door I could hear the announcer rambling over the crowd - I wrinkled my nose at the scent of liquor, before kicking my muddied boots aside, and resting my coat on the hanger standing idle by the door.

“Sollux?” My uncle - Silias, called out once, and I answered with a simple huff in acknowledgement, before making my way to the living room. My ears stung just a bit, and I made a turn to the kitchen to search for some tylenol as he turned over to look at me. “...So, how’d the game go?”

I found the bottle, opening with a shaky hand before taking two dry, and setting it back in the cabinet.

“Cool, Eridan’s pretty fast-” I stifled a laugh at my horrid attempt towards small talk, before recollecting myself with a grin. “...It was fun. Their family was really… welcoming.”

“That’s...good,” He paused for a second, and I could almost see our incredibly slight similarities - the way his lips pursed anxiously and the twitching of his wide jaw mirrored mine, along with the furrowed brows as he struggled with his words. His eyes were all Karkat - soft along the corners, an almost innocent chocolate brown, but it was relatively common that I’d take something from my mother… and her brother, it seemed. Silias exhaled as he finally seemed to find a proper question, and raised his brow. “...Where’d they take you?”

Oh.

I quirked my head instinctively, not really knowing the answer… before settling on something vague enough.

“I fell asleep while we were driving, it looked like a field.”

And… various other unknowns.

“Oh, nice.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, before feigning a yawn, and swallowing. “...Well, it’s late. I’m calling it a night.”

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

I considered going up the stairs silently, before giving a single nod, and wave in return. He stared on for a few seconds, in a concerned manner that made me feel as though I’d come home full of bruises - but he turned back to the screen soon enough, and I went up the stairs quickly, trying not to think of it.

  
  


Deciding Eridan hopefully wasn’t in my room yet, I took a quick stop to the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and pressing my head to it for a long second, exhaling. I inhaled once more, as if I were trying to clear a clogged section of my lungs, or practicing the seemingly alien motion of breathing, and exhaling. 

Once I’d gathered myself enough to function, I dug through the tiny closet where my aunt kept fresh pajamas for us, and slipped on a tank top and cotton pants that seemed to fit, though I’d eventually need to get a job, and buy stuff that was actually my length. Eventually. I ran a hand through my hair, toying mindlessly with the curls, before stifling a laugh, and staring at my reflection.

I wasn’t… unattractive. Whatsoever. Though, having an incredibly attractive partner gave you confidence, didn’t it? Possibly. Eridan was… gorgeous, clearly. They were some perfect renaissance painting I’d resurrected via an odd ritual, while I was soft against the edges, and sure… I had a decent nose, a strong jaw… I wasn’t hard to look at, even with all the measures I’d taken to make myself look impossibly edgy, but my eyes were unresolved, and tired. Or… was I tired? My feet burned, sure… my calves would definitely be swollen tomorrow, but while my cousins and even my brother had the soft, chocolate eyes that cared too much for their own good, I had tired eyes. Exhausted.

  
  


I exhaled once again, and washed my face quickly, before brushing my teeth, swishing mouthwash around for at least ten seconds, and then spitting it out. I pat absentmindedly at my face with a towel, and stared one last time at my reflection, before pursing my lips, and shrugging.

I walked groggily to my room, suddenly hyper aware of the ache in my feet, and as I opened the door I quickly noticed Eridan standing in front of my closet, toying idly with the hem of one of my jackets. Their head snapped up towards mine the second I took a step inside, and they gave a hint of a smile, before looking back at the sweater, and speaking.

“Hi.”

They spoke quietly, and their voice sounded sad. They were definitely wallowing, and I was almost certain our previous conversation was the reasoning behind it. I went to the bed, taking a seat, before reaching to pull the quilt around me, and Eridan was suddenly at my side, threatening to snuggle - or press into, practically mold to - my warm, fleshy figure. I shuddered at their coolness, but still poked an arm out to wrap it around them, and swallow.

“Hi,” I started, lisp threatening to come out, before just… trying to not think about it. “...where are you all… going, again?”

“W-Where did the enthusiasm come from?”

Eridan wondered aloud, and I anxiously looked down, to the side, before responding.

“It’s… logical, being curious of where you’d be going.”

“Sure, but I don’t… is it really your concern, Sollux?”

“It should be.”

They frowned, but pursed their lips in a way that signalled they had no argument against that, and they furrowed their brows together, skin creasing in a gentle, angelic way as they figured out how to word it.

“Familial troubles. It’s… really nothi-”

“You guys have  _ more _ family-?”

I wondered aloud, unknowingly cutting Eridan off, and they sarcastically rolled their eyes towards me, before frowning once more.

“Not exactly. The Denali part w-wasn’t a lie, w-we only… consider them family because w-we share the same diet. W-We’re similar, an’... there for eachother w-when w-we need to be.”

“So, they need your help… now?”

“Yes. W-Well. If it comes dow-wn to somethin’ far more drastic, I personally w-won’t interv-vene, but… for now-w, yes, Kurloz, Meulin, an’ Cronus need our… assistance.”

They spoke begrudgingly, with all the angst of a teen forced into a family reunion, and I definitely shared their annoyance… well, my own version of it.

“Why?”

I found myself questioning the obvious, and Eridan raised their brow again, before exhaling, and then shrugging.

“They… no, their sister managed to piss off… our… uh, police-”

“Vampires have police?”

“No! Sort… a’. It’s just the V-Volturi-”

“Volturi?”

“Marquise, Condensce, an’... w-well, the last one doesn’t really… hav-ve a name, he’s just fuckin’ creepy. Grand Highblood.”

“Grand… Highblood?”

“It’s fuckin’ ridiculous, he forgot his human name, the man spent his entire life drunk before Condensce found him- anyw-ways, he only got the name because he… apparently… has a room w-where he paints the w-walls w-with blood.”

I blinked once, and then twice, not even trying to hide my surprise, before raising a brow.

“What the fuck?”

“Exactly. Anyw-ways, Dolorosa w-was… close w-with them, centuries ago. She described them as sadistic, refined - no respect for human life, obv-viously - but… respect for the arts. An’ the law-w. Abov-ve all, the law-w.”

“Vampires have laws?”

“Not many. Don’t make… spectacles a’ yourself, really. Just… keep it secret, unless you w-want to die, a’ course.”

I paused, pressing my lips together, before looking down at Eridan, and raising a brow. I wasn’t sure what exactly to say, actually. It made no sense to me - leaving for what seemed to be a suicide mission, even if they did - even if their attention  _ was _ to not intervene with… authorities. I almost felt betrayed, which was ridiculous, in a sense. I knitted my brows together, anxiously overwhelming myself with the endless list of possibilities - all the forms of ways Eridan could possibly manage to hurt themselves, even if they were… essentially, bulletproof.

Eridan took notice of my expression, glancing up at me curiously, before giving a small, reassuring smile, and swallowing.

“Don’t ov-verthink it, okay? It’ll be nothin’, an’ I’ll be back before you know-w it.”

“I… guess.”

“I w-will.”

Eridan’s eyes were sincere as they spoke, even with the subtle worried look in them, and it helped… somewhat. It helped more than it should’ve, and I took a deep breath, before exhaling, and feeling myself relax… a little bit more. It helped. Sort of.

  
  


“It’s late.”

They noted with a solemn voice, as I subconsciously pulled them closer, and pressed a gentle kiss to the temples of their forehead, in between the perfectly waved mess of copper.

“Thanks again,”

I whispered quietly, against their skin, and Eridan gave a subtle nod in response, pursing their lips together. It was silent now, for the most part. I listened intently for a few seconds, fighting against the compelling feeling that was dozing off into dreamless sleep, until Eridan finally began humming along to a tune. I’d recognized the lullaby they’d played for me then, and listening to them hum along to the pace of my breath was the most relaxing thing I could think of… at the moment.

Nudging my head upwards, I glared at them, frowning for a second.

“What are you thinking of?”

Eridan hesitated for a split second, breath hitching, before they finally shrugged off whatever it was that was holding them back from responding, and they spoke. “...Right an’ w-wrong, actually.”

I shuddered instinctively at their tone as they spoke, trying to not dwell on the implications. It was far too easy to let myself fall into Eridan’s own personal stream of self loathing, and I’d dealt with enough of my own for a lifetime. I thought for a second… or two, until my head finally began to ache, and I groaned in annoyance.

“W-What?”

Eridan questioned in a curious - gentle tone, far different from the sarcastic one they’d just used to describe their possible murders, and it only made my head spin further. I exhaled once more, before looking at them, and setting my jaw straight.

“You won’t… get me anything for my birthday. I don’t want you too, but I- Kiss me.”

They raised a single, perfectly groomed eyebrow in confusion, before breaking into a teasing smile, and giving me a judging glance.

“I w-was… debatin’ on a car, but a kiss certainly seems far more cost effectiv-ve..?”

“I don’t need a car. Well, my uncle wouldn’t let me drive, but… only if you… want to. The kissing, I mean. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

Eridan gave a small laugh in response, before sighing, and turning up to me with a smile. “...Sollux, heav-ven forbid I should do anythin’ I don’t w-want to do.” They spoke in a strangely desperate tone, something… unlike Eridan, who was generally composed, and obsessed with their virt- protecting me. They put their hand under my chin, pulling my face down close to theirs.

The kiss began like our few other ones. Eridan was incredibly gentle, treating me as though I was made of paper, and of course, it was my heart that began to overreact. It was hard to control it once it started - ridiculously pathetic human circulatory system, worth absolutely nothing - but following Eridan’s gentle motions helped pace me slower than I’d normally take it, so I wouldn’t risk crossing the boundaries they’d silently set.

  
  


However, something was off this time, and it was easy to notice the change when it was suddenly presented to me - or, well, seated on my lap. 

  
  


Eridan’s lips grew more urgent almost instantaneously, as they moved from cuddling to my side to suddenly straddling my lap, almost mirroring the scene in the Jeep that’d gotten me in trouble prior, except this time, I definitely wasn’t in control, nor to blame. The hand that was gently pressed against my jaw in a guiding motion suddenly held onto my cheek for dear life, guiding me straight to their mouth as they went from gently kissing to suckling on my lip, as if they wanted to drain the life from me. I was… definitely confused by the change in events, but offered an opening in my mouth with no qualms or preparations as I raised my own hand to cup their cheek, and hesitantly raised the other to rest on the small of their back, pressing them closer to me.

I focused on breathing through my nose, not even daring to try and pull away and end this prematurely as I pressed my tongue against their bottom lip, and Eridan hungrily agreed, raising their hands to run them through my hair, or rather hold onto it for dear life as I took reigns of the situation and pressed their jaw closer to mine, while gently prodding under their shirt.

I was… very clearly crossing all the lines now, and Eridan made no attempts to stop me or control the situation - instead only offering a low groan as I moved things further.

Their body was cold beneath the thick quilt, and it offered an… admittedly nice dual sensations as I pressed my hands and lips further, leaving no areas that were offered to me untouched as Eridan repeated the motions, and for a second… I considered the possibility of doing this for hours - just hungrily touching each other, kissing as if we’d been starved for centuries, but… regrettably, I was human.

  
  


When Eridan pulled away, it was abrupt, and I stared breathlessly at them for a few seconds, forgetting to breath, before coughing once, and falling back against the headboard. I gasped aimlessly for what felt like hours, struggling to breathe properly  _ and _ control myself, and I was absolutely certain I heard Eridan struggle as well, even though they didn’t necessarily need it to my extent.

“Sorry,” they started, and they were absolutely… definitely, breathless too. “That w-was… out a’ line.”

“I don’t mind-”

I started quickly, out of breath, but Eridan quickly cut me off.

“Go to sleep, Sollux.”

“No, we should kiss again-”

“You really are suicidal, aren’t you?”

“Maybe, but do you like my blood, or my body more?”

“Both… tie.” Eridan pouted, before rolling their eyes, and glancing down at me seriously. “Now-w, stop pushin’ your luck an’ go to sleep.”

“Fine.”

I agreed easily, already exhausted, and now my lips stung. I didn’t bother moving, instead pulling them down closer from their position, and snuggling into the crook of their neck, as if they were an oversized teddy bear.

I thought about it for a few seconds, and… weren’t there a whole line of stories of murderous teddy bears? Possibly.

  
  


Above all, I really was so exhausted. It had been a long day in so many ways, yet I felt no sense of relief at its end. Almost as if something worse was coming tomorrow. It was a silly premonition… what could possibly even have been bad about today? What could be worse than this? It was definitely silly anxiety messing with my head, as it always did.

No doubt about it.

I was halfway asleep, maybe more, when I’d realized what the kiss had reminded me of. There was no date, nor explanation for how I felt. It was only anxiety, wasn’t it? It felt as though Eridan was conveying a message to me, as I did in the woods with a guitar and pick, but they weren’t admitting their love. They were saying goodbye in the only way they knew I’d understand, and for a second, my breath hitched. I considered sitting up and questioning them, but what good would it do?

If… this was their way of saying it, if they’d agreed to leave me behind for self-exiled suicide, what good was I in all sincerity to them?

I sneakily pulled them closer from where I held them, further down against my chest as I kept my eyes pressed closed, and tried to not think about it, or the possibilities my brain had suddenly created. I inhaled once, taking in all I could of their scent, trying to burn the smell into my brain, in case they did leave. In case this was all I had left to hold on to.

I exhaled soon after, and focused on my breathing - one, two, one, two - until I finally fell into sleep. I shuddered into unconsciousness, as if I was already having a nightmare.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, in all honesty I have every intention to complete this fic. Sticking to the schedule I set has been ass because of issues, but every comment and kudos really does mean the world. seriously. thank you :)


	19. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actual long shot, but if you’re enjoying this fic here’s a little playlist i made based off of erisol.. in it? whatever: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6TzIgtH4SMfNxVz2qfeVxL?si=rcrnOJxLS4ia4hhv4xTbMQ

I felt absolutely horrendous in the morning. I hadn’t slept well, even with the cool weight of Eridan holding me steady, and my legs burned, and ached terribly. Admittedly, I’d worked out further than I’d intended to, even with Eridan carrying me most of the way, and my body wasn’t thankful for it whatsoever. 

Above all, the smooth and remote look on Eridan’s face as they kissed my forehead gently before mummurring a ‘good bye,’ and ducked out my window gave me little to look forward to. It was impossibly easy to see they’d been thinking of right and wrong again as I slept, and I grew afraid of the time I’d spent unconscious. Could… what, eight… ten hours be more than enough to go over every miniscule decision? 

Of course it was, and I was absolutely ridiculous for thinking otherwise. I exhaled loudly as the anxiety grew in my head, until it felt as though my brain would implode and ooze out of my skull, and deep, deep back into my pores.

I felt confused the entire morning, internally debating with myself, and for once… quietly thankful I’d been able to sleep at least a bit. It was more than I deserved, a clear break from my own head, and I silently wondered how exactly Eridan coped with their eternal lack of slumber, and constant stream of thoughts. I shuddered once as I pulled on a pair of jeans, flopping my wet hair into place as I brushed my teeth with my extra hand - maybe for at least a moment, immortality could be delayed.

I silently responded to the light strings of ‘good mornings’ as I left my room with a wave, taking my medicine before grabbing a single slice of toast with peanut butter, and gnawing absently as I got in the truck, and made my way to school - or well, was driven.

  
  


Eridan was waiting for me at school, as per usual. I wasn’t really surprised by it, though the look on their face easily unsettled me… it was gloomy, but not in their normal fashion. Not the fashionable ennui I was first attracted to, simply wrong. It was as though some grabbed an image of them, and moved the frown a slight centimeter out of place. It was miniscule, but made it more severe, and it managed to feel even deeper than it probably should’ve. There was a look on their eyes I wasn’t exactly sure of as I walked towards them, and they gave me a slight nod of their head in acknowledgement. I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to bring up last night, or if ignoring it was the better option.

They finally broke the distance, giving me a small, gentle nudge of the shoulder to my side as they opened the door for me, and unknowingly - knowingly? - slammed it behind us. I suppressed a curse, though I was positive they heard.

“How-w are you?”

“Amazing.”

I replied sarcastically as I walked ahead, silently rolling my eyes to myself. Eridan raised a single brow at it, before pursing their lips… and then opening them to speak… and then they simply sighed, and made the same face that had struck me as odd. I considered questioning it, silently wondering if it was even allowed, before deciding on not even bothering, and walking wordlessly with them. 

I shortened my stride to match theirs, which they gave a single hum to, and then nothing. 

Not even a breath.

  
  


I considered quietly my options here as we both walked to our classes, and for a single moment, I was able to clear my head from Eridan’s brooding, and breathe. The breathing then ended, and I spent the entire class period wondering what exactly to do - what exactly to  _ ask _ . I wasn’t quite sure I could even get away with asking Eridan, in their current state. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, needed to know the answer to, but how could Eridan possibly know them?

Scribbling aimlessly on the paper, I decided on my only plausible option.

  
  


Kanaya Maryam.

  
  


It was a long shot, but she’d expressed obvious interest in being my… friend, and above all, she could see… semi-perfect visions of the future. I bit my lip anxiously as I practically wrote out my questions, knowing fully well I’d have to get her alone, and practically miles away from Eridan.

How was Eridan doing today?.. What had they said, after they came home? Above all, most importantly, what could she see now? Of course, Eridan could see the choices… influence them, use their gifts as a way to read others minds, but Kanaya could actually see the future, and what course we were on now. I chuckled at the possibility of her seeing me consider and plan this all out, and then cringed at the internal reminder that Eridan was likely a classroom away from her, and able to read it. 

I scratched out the questions with my pencil, and exhaled loudly, before tossing it into the trash on my way out of the class.

  
  


The morning passed impossibly slow, my anxiety only serving to grow further the more time I was given to develop questions in my head, and possible answers for them. I wasn’t able whatsoever to pay attention in class, getting my name called on twice by Mrs. Peixes before I finally responded, to which she simply decided to move on and ask someone else for the answer. Even with the slight possibility of Eridan knowing this, I was impatient to see Kanaya, and get her opinions on things. I mused quietly over the possibility of driving to Eridan’s house to ask their father myself, considering the two were the closest of them all, but I wouldn’t have my anxieties settled with simple fatherly comforting - though it did sound very nice at the moment. 

Kanaya usually beat us to lunch - she didn’t have to keep up with a gargantuan like me, and Eridan was one for smalltalk in the hallways. It was probably to keep up with appearances - knowing them, most likely. This time, the walk was entirely silent, save for a few comments on class events from my part, and an amused hum from Eridan. Not even two, three - one. One single hum, followed by my groan as I walked faster, leaving them behind and getting my lunch, before sitting at our shared table.

I actually… wasn’t sure if people left it alone out of respect, or fear of getting on the bad side of the weird kids… I thought about it as I took a bite of a mozzarella stick, and chewed quickly. I swallowed soon after, and decided it was probably just the whole… weird thing schtick. I wasn’t sure I’d want to get on my bad side as well, though it was mostly based on my height.

Eridan took their seat beside me, and I ate quickly, ready for Kanaya to eventually show up, until I noticed two other students from her fourth hour French class, and raised a brow towards the redhead sitting at my side, focused intently on turning the granola bar in their hands into ash.

“Where’s Kanaya?”

“Huh?”

Eridan poked their head upwards once, avoiding me entirely, before looking down once again to the granola bar, and answering quietly.

“She’s left w-with Gamzee already.”

I blinked once, before looking forward, and sighing quietly.

“...Where to?”

“Denali. Really… now-where in particular.”

I looked at the empty table one last time, before looking forward at my lunch, not really hungry anymore. I felt a sort of quiet desperation grow on - the one that made you feel stupidly overly emotional - at the realization that Eridan was going to leave as well, and though I already knew the answer, I felt the need to ask again.

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow-w.”

They spoke with the same amount of interest as you would use to state the time, and I felt a lump in my throat grow, and I struggled to swallow it down. My chest felt ridiculously heavy, and my face felt hot… though, wasn’t that usual for me now? I bit my lip anxiously, careful to not draw blood, before slumping my shoulders, and bowing my head forward. I was suddenly incredibly tired, and felt a strange… almost ridiculous twang of guilt.

First, it was Porrim’s blatant annoyance with me, and then Rufioh deciding to follow her wherever she went. Next, it was Kanaya leaving, and Gamzee going with her. Now, Eridan would leave too, and even if it was only for two weeks, it felt as though it was somehow my fault. As if I were the plague making them all stay away from Forks… as if I’d done… no, been something wrong, and they all had to leave. 

“Are you feelin’ alright?”

The question was spoken out of necessity, and not with any of the care Eridan usually put into their words. They were forced to ask it, as though I wouldn’t cry, and I felt my face heat up further, before I simply swallowed.

“Who fucking cares?”

I muttered in disgust as I stood up, grabbing my bag and leaving my tray, walking back to class early. I fought the urge to look back, but when I made my way to the door and heard no footsteps behind me, I was sure I felt my chest contract for a single second.

  
  


The silence was ridiculous, at this point, and I strongly considered not breaking it, just to see how long it’d last. Eridan would be gone for a while though, and that option wasn’t in my best interest, so as they quietly walked me to the truck, I turned to face them, and stopped right in my tracks.

“You’ll come over tonight, right?”

I was sure I heard Karkat honk out at me, but I paid it no mind, relishing in the surprised look on Eridan’s face, before they simply shrugged.

“W-Would you like me to?”

“I always want you to.”

I… definitely spoke with more intensity than what was needed, but it helped to see Eridan’s brows furrow down in a familiar expression, before their face blanked out once again. I expected they would laugh… smile, or somehow react to my words beside that, but nothing came.

“Alright then.”

They spoke silently, almost indifferently, before reaching for my hand, and giving it a single squeeze. They lingered for a second before walking off, turning gracefully and heading towards their car, and I stood there, frozen for a second… or two, before Karkat finally honked again, and snapped me out of my trance. 

* * *

  
  


I was able to subside the anxiety for the entire car ride home, thankful for the fact that Karkat had work today, and I’d be home alone… for the most part. The streams of trees and green on the highway home did nothing to comfort me, even with the Nirvana playing on the crackly radio, and once I made it past the front door and set my bag down on the floor, the panic  _ really _ set in. 

I barely made it to my bedroom by the time I’d begun hyperventilating, shucking off the heavy coat with an exasperated huff, before sitting down - no, falling onto my bed, and laying there… struggling to breath, and trying to pick apart, and disassemble the entire day into pieces that actually made sense.

  
  


‘They just needed time,’ I told myself as I struggled to catch my own breath. ‘...they would get over this, and this was normal with every relationship.’ I’d managed to convince myself I’d certainly played a part in their disappearance, because why wouldn’t I? I’d managed to fuck everything else up, it was only common sense that eventually, Eridan would be affected.

‘Their entire family is moving away, of course they’d be sad!” It was utter bullshit, and I knew it. Kanaya and Gamzee would come back, eventually, but who was to say Porrim… or Rufioh and Eridan were better friends… closer, even? I wiped aimlessly at my eyes as I exhaled. If it helped… if it made any difference at all, I’d never step foot on the modernhause in between the miles of forest off the main road again. None of their family would hear from me again, and it’d be as though I never existed. Anything to preserve their family, and not ruin something else for them.

Of course… I’d still run into Dolorosa in the emergency room, from time to time. However, she was more than likely diplomatic enough to not let it affect her life whatsoever.

  
  


After all… what I had said - what had happened last night was nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I was tired, and said shit I didn’t mean… it was the story of my life. I wasn’t hurt, and I just… did that. I jumped the gun when I got too comfortable. I had an entire list of diagnoses explaining why I’d done that, and Eridan was surely aware by this point.

So, I offered my life with no respect for mortality at the chance of an eternity with them. Eridan had handled the worse shit I’d said better, and I’d just let them know… again that I was tired. It was a stupid suggestion, and I regretted it entirely now. Maybe, Maybe if they’d just… take me away, it would be better. There would be no questions, and we could pretend we were in college - like the Dartmouth plan we’d drawn out, that had my turning nowhere in the fine print. I grew slightly less anxious as I thought about all the uninterrupted alone time, and sighed to myself. If they’d simply make it through senior year with me, it would be so easy. We’d be free, and I wouldn’t have to wait for my parent’s approval in a situation they didn’t have a single clue about.

After all, what was a single year to an immortal? I did the mental math before deciding that it was likely nothing too grand, and I was sure Eridan could do it.

I laid on the bed for a few more moments, until I’d finally given myself enough composure to sit up, and attempt to change. I instantly felt more comfortable the second I put on a pair of sweats instead of the jeans I’d grown out of by now, and decided against changing out of the t-shirt I was wearing… for comfort. Once I was comfortable, and had a clearer head… it was easy to pretend as though nothing was truly wrong, and I was entirely fine. I laid back comfortably, ignoring the sounds of my aunt’s music coming from her office as I thought of various exotic locales Eridan and I could easily escape to, and pleasantly enjoy however long we had together. 

The afternoon dragged on, and as I fell into a light state of unconsciousness, I repeatedly told myself this would all be perfectly okay, and it would work out. Even past the apparent issues, I wanted nothing more than to see Eridan again, silently praying they’d gotten past the worst of this… and it’d be as though nothing had actually gone wrong. As though I’d said nothing to upset them, and we were as perfectly… distantly, happy as ever. ‘It’s nothing,’ I told myself over and over again as I skimmed in and out of consciousness. It’s absolutely nothing, and everything would very obviously go back to normal.

  
  


I woke up after what felt like minutes to the sound of the front door distantly opening, and then closing. I blinked curiously, trying to adjust my eyes to the bedroom light… before reaching over for the glasses I’d somehow tossed aside in my sleep, and slipping them back on. I considered staying in bed for another minute… or two, possibly an hour, before finally deciding that probably wasn’t the best choice… and regrettably standing up slowly. My head ached for a split second at the sudden rush of movement, and then I was up, and heading towards the window to try and guess the time.

It was darker out now, with my uncle’s car parked in the driveway, and to my surprise - the silver Volvo was parked beside it, with nobody inside of it. Had they been here for a while, or just arrived? The sense of relief I felt at the sight of their car was an overwhelming, desperate thing, and for a second, it almost felt as though I’d imagined all that had happened today. It was simply not real, because they were here now, visiting… and that was worth more than I ever dared to deserve. 

  
  


I hurried down the stairs, forgetting shoes were even a thing - though careful not to slip - calling out before I was all the way down. From the distance, I heard the sound of the  _ ESPN Sports Network  _ theme music, and almost wondered if my uncle had subjected Eridan to a game of football while they waited. It definitely wasn’t past what else he considered proper bonding activities.

“Tio? Eridan?”

“In here,”

Silias called out in response as I walked past the coathanger that held my parka, and made my way down the other… small set of steps. I passed the bathroom, and the door to the garage, making my way to the living room and turning around the corner to Eridan on the armchair, and my uncle on the couch. Both were staring intently at the screen, and for a long second, I considered whether or not Eridan was actually a fan of sports from how interested they seemed to be. The level of interest was normal for my uncle… not so much for Eridan. 

I swallowed, reaching to bite the inside of my mouth anxiously as I figured out what to say, before settling on a small greeting.

“Hi,”

“Hey, Sollux,” my uncle started, eyes never moving from his intense focus on the TV screen. “...we just had some cold pizza. It’s still on the table, you should probably heat it up though.”

I blinked, before responding quickly.

“Okay.”

I waited in the doorway for a moment after I spoke, practically raising an expectant brow at the red waves seated ahead of me, until Eridan finally turned to me, and gave me a polite smile.

“I’ll be right behind you.”

It was almost said as less of a promise, and more reassurance. They turned to the TV once again, eyes once again focused on the fucking ridiculous football, and I stared for another minute… absolutely shocked. It wasn’t fair to feel panic for that, was it? It couldn’t be… they’d enjoyed baseball, after all… maybe they were simply a sports person. 

Neither one seemed to notice my turning to the kitchen, and I could feel something along the lines of anxiety… panic, build up in my chest.

The pizza held no interest to me, and I wasn’t quite sure any other edible substance did. My chest felt as tight as it had this morning, and I wasn’t even sure  _ why _ . I took a seat on a dining chair, running a shaky hand through my hair as I tried to pace my breathing, and as if to add more ice to the injury, the sounds of bonding… bantering over the game were as loud as ever. Had someone scored a touchdown? I wasn’t sure I even cared, right now.

  
  


Something was very wrong, maybe more than I had realized, and I wasn’t even sure I had some sort of way to fix it. I exhaled silently, trying to get control of… trying to reason with myself, and make myself believe this all wasn’t even real, and all part of my head. ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ I flinched at my own question, deciding it was likely the worst I could ask myself at this very moment. I was struggling to breathe right, and I was hyper aware of the fact that Eridan likely heard… knew this, and wasn’t bothered whatsoever by it.

‘Okay,’ I thought again, leaning back onto the chair with an exasperated sigh, and swallowing. ‘...what is the worst I can live through?’ I didn’t like that question either, both striking me as odd, but it was easier to answer than the previous one. 

It was easy enough to think through the possibilities I’d considered today.

  
  


First was staying entirely away from Eridan’s family. Of course… with Kanaya’s enthusiasm around everything that involved me, they couldn’t expect for that to be the case, but… if Eridan put their foot down, that would certainly lessen the time I’d have to poke and question her. Anyways, realistically… if it kept them around me, I could live with that. I absolutely could.

Or… going away. Maybe they wouldn’t want to wait until the end of senior year, with what prying eyes, and any ounce of curiosity. Maybe, just… maybe, it would have to be right now. I was now pacing, having walked past the kitchen… and living room entirely, without being looked at once. As I made my way past the hall that led to the stairs, I glanced hesitantly at the walls adorned with family photos, and the albums placed neatly in my aunt’s china cabinet. I looked once at the photo of my brother, at his eighth grade graduation, and then the one of us on my uncle’s fishing boat, with Nepeta holding up the bass she’d just caught proudly.

For a second, going away… abandoning all of this seemed impossibly hard. I considered why I even wanted to leave it as I made my way upstairs… I thought of my mother, and my father - somehow, living far away from them… even longer than I’d already been gone… seemed impossible. It didn’t make the idea of a permanent separation easier at all, and I thought once about my brother, before biting back, and swallowing. He’d be so hurt…

  
  


I wiped at my eye, trying to not overthink the family memorabilia further than I already had. We’d visit, wouldn’t we? It’d be wrong to take me away with offering at least… biyearly visits. After all, Eridan knew I cared for my family… most of them.

Somehow, even as I tried to reassure myself, I wasn’t certain about the answer to that. I’d known the path I’d chosen was going to be hard… this was obvious. Anything supernatural related was incredibly complicated, was it not? And… after all, I was thinking about the worst case scenario - the very, very worse I could live through.

Somehow, in my thoughtful tangent, I ended up in Karkat’s bedroom, entranced by the bright red lava lamp seated at his desk. I toyed with the idea of taking it for myself - it was definitely relaxing, before my eyes fell onto a thick, metal journal on his desk, and the burgundy camera seated over. I picked the camera up by the wrist strap, holding it to the side as I opened the journal… expecting some juicy drama to clear my head, and give me possible blackmail material.

Instead, I was met with photographs, four on each page, that seemed to be documenting his highschool years. The first page was obviously freshmen, with what his thick, straightened bangs, acne, and eyeliner… sophomore started by the fifth page, and by the fourteenth, I was greeted by a photo of my cousin in his signature striped hoodie, blowing through a thick, swirled glass bong. I shut it at once, a bit… concerned with the level of information I’d just processed, before deciding to forget it, and instead looked down at the camera I was still holding, and turning it over.

  
  


I toyed with the wrist-strap on the camera now, wondering what I could use it for, before deciding… I’d borrow it, and make my own scrapbook. Sort of. I wondered what the first photo on my roll could be, and whether or not it’d be identical to the quality of the original - judging by the quality of Karkat’s photos, it was… decent, but more than enough.

Eridan wouldn’t care, either. They’d be happy I had some sort of memory to hold onto, like their entire family wished they’d had. I’d be the one who’d prepared, the one with the memories… the photographs, the scrapbooks. I thought back once to the sound of their carefree laughter the night before, and how now I wanted nothing more than for them to laugh again. The change was abrupt… dizzying, and I almost considered sitting down to process it.

  
  


However, the idea of documenting… preserving my life here didn’t seem too bad. Maybe… I didn’t have much left in Forks, and Eridan was dropping clues. It’d been a simple idea at first, but now it was a full compulsion, and I made my way up the stairs to my room quickly, taking a single shot of my bedroom… and then another.

In the time I’d been here, my room had relatively remained the same. Messier...definitely, but the walls still had the array of posters on them, covering the tacky wood, and my quilt, and bedsheets were somehow actually in order. I hesitated, before giving the room another look over, and then looking down at the camera. There wasn’t much else I could do tonight… besides panic - it was far too dark outside to take any sort of photo - and the feeling was stronger now.

  
  


I would record everything about Forks before I had to leave it. Change was coming, and I could certainly feel it. It wasn’t relatively pleasant, not when everything was finally coming together here - but I’d take it thankfully for them. I’d take a dozen hits, all for the chance to be with them, and as I left my room, I thought anxiously of the glare in their eyes - the blatant distance I’d struggled to forget. 

I took my time coming downstairs, ignoring the anxiety bubbling in my gut as I considered Eridan’s possible reactions. Above all, they’d get over this. They were likely playing the waiting game… wondering how to word it so it wouldn’t hurt. Possibly… most likely, they were worried that I would be upset when they asked me to leave. I would keep my cool, as hard as it seemed now, and I would let them work through it without sticking my nose into it, and meddling. And I would be prepared, with my scrapbook, when they asked.

I had the camera ready as I leaned around the corner, trying my best to be sneaking with my height. I was sure there was no chance that I had caught Eridan by surprise, but they didn't look up. I trembled silently as the anxiety grew in my gut… it wasn’t simply bubbling now, but boiling; I ignored that and took the picture.

  
  


They both looked at me then, with different reactions. Silias frowned. Eridan’s face feigned shock for a second, before it shifted to empty, expressionless. Their typical reaction to most everything now.

“What are you doing, Sollux?”

My uncle disliked photos, so I wasn’t really shocked by his reaction.

“Oh, come on. I just wanted some photos.”

I responded casually, heading to the front of the sofa, and taking a quick shot that showed all of my uncle’s distaste towards his current predicament. He mumbled something intelligible, before standing up, and reaching over for the camera.

“Let me take one of you kids.”

Silias suggested quickly, and I handed the camera over easily. I’d been hoping he’d find a way to take the camera’s focus from himself. Eridan stood quickly, not objecting to it, but taking their place beside me, and wrapping a single arm around my waist. The position felt formal… cold to me. I ignored the anxiety to wrap an arm around their shoulder, holding them closer than I probably should’ve… and fought the urge to look down at them. I wanted to look at their face - I always did, but I was scared to.

“Smile, Sollux.” my uncle reminded me quickly, before snapping the photo, and then another. “...There, enough photos for tonight.” He murmured as he handed me the camera, and took his seat once again. “You don’t have to use the whole roll tonight.”

I considered fighting against it - I wanted more memories, more images, anything to remember this - but once Eridan took their seat on the armchair I knew there was no true point, and I took my own seat on the couch. I was suddenly frightened now, arms full of goosebumps… anxious enough to where I was sure I was going to vomit, right here, in the living room. My hands were shaking, but I pressed them to my side to hide them the best I could. It was easy to notice, if you weren’t focused on a show.

  
  


I was barely able to make out anything that had happened, head far too preoccupied with everything… but once the game was over, Eridan casually stood up, not so much as passing me a single glance, and turned to smile at my uncle.

“I’d better get home now-w.”

“See ya,”

He responded cooly, still entranced in the commercials, and Eridan walked past me, straight to the front door. I didn’t bother considering my choices here. I stood up, legs still somewhat sore and stiff from yesterday, and followed them out. Eridan didn’t even bother looking back, going straight to their car, and for once, I was thankful for my long legs. I stopped them right beside their door, standing in the way of it, and crossing my arms to try and act as though I wasn’t internally losing it.

“Are you going to stay?”

I had no hope in my voice, sounding as stern… pissed, as ever. I expected their reaction, but it didn’t ease the cut.

“No, not tonight.”

Still, that wasn’t enough to get me to back down, and when they reached for the door handle I moved to block it, raising a brow down at them.

“Why… not?”

“I hav-ve to pack, Sollux.”

They moved me out of the way, getting into the car, and driving off. I didn’t bother prying, or fighting for a further explanation. Instead, I stood there, hunched over… tensed, unmoving. I waited, not really knowing what exactly I was even waiting for, not even caring about the fact that it was raining - what did it matter, after all - until the door opened behind me.

  
  


"Sollux, what are you doing?" 

  
  


Silias asked from the door, definitely surprised to see me standing there alone and dripping.

"Nothing." 

I responded cooly, before turning and making my way back to the house. I tried to keep the damn shut the best I could… convincing myself it was for the better, and they’d explain it all later… when they asked me to leave with them. All signs pointed towards the inevitable - our departure, away from Forks, away from it all - and it only worked to make my chest heave, and my throat tighten. By the time I’d dried off my hair and laid to bed, not even hungry anymore, only… exhausted, I’d have sworn it was the truth. A possibility. No - it was going to happen, and we’d be so… fucking happy.

It was a long night, with little in the way of rest.

* * *

I got up the very second there was light poking through the multicolored curtains, reaching over for the camera I’d left resting on the nightstand… and exhaling. I’d gone over hundreds of mental arguments based on what exactly I was doing… or considering. I wasn’t sure myself anymore… except… wasn’t I? I wanted Eridan… always. It was another compulsion, a borderline obsession. They’d given me an experience farther than the current realms of reality, farther than even the games I’d spent years hunched over had given me. With the games, you’d shut them off… and there was silence.

With Eridan, there was no silence… but no fear towards it. I’d found - They’d given me a world where I finally felt I belonged, and I’d fight for it. I… knew they wanted me to.

  
  


I dressed for school quickly, silently wondering if they’d even show up today, or if they were leaving this morning. I thought back to my half-memorized version of the map… concluding that Denali was definitely far from Forks… farther than Seattle. I wasn’t going to be hurt if they left early today… they’d be back in two weeks time, I’d be a legal adult, and they’d take me to the ends of the Earth with them.

After a bowl of cereal, I’d decided that the sky was certainly light enough for pictures, and went outside, taking a quick shot of the truck, and the forest behind it. Then, another of the house entirely now, almost feeling nostalgic towards the older style of it. I’d… definitely miss it. I turned and took a few of the forest, hyper-focusing on the trail me and Eridan had walked through on what felt like  _ years _ ago, before exhaling, and shoving the camera into the pocket of my hoodie.

The woods… the timelessness… the alien, alien green - somehow, it didn’t seem so sinister or horrifying anymore. Why would I be scared of it, when all it reminded me of was Eridan, and their very presence brought me all the comfort I needed? I’d miss it… for sure. All of it.

  
  


The drive to school was quiet, Karkat more exhausted than I was, but I suppressed idle chuckles at his banter with Nepeta, who’d sworn he  _ was _ going to crash into that pole, and she’d managed to stop him in time. I’d miss them… too. My harboring, erratic cousins who really meant well - I wasn’t on great terms with Nepeta still, and I felt a thickness grow in my throat at the thought of disappearing without making things right, but… it was only the worst case scenario, wasn’t it?

I tried to ignore the presence of Eridan and their perpetual angst, sharp, feline features mirroring the exact same expression they’d worn at my house last night, for the sake of my own sanity. I wondered quietly if they’d planned on leaving like this, with our rela- bond, frayed as it was. It didn’t make sense… but of course, maybe they just needed… time.

  
  


The thought process sounded bitter in my head, and made me instinctively recoil. I’d heard that sentence before, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear it from them. 

  
  


Once lunch came, it dragged along the perpetual silence and angst with it. I wasn’t ready for biology… none of it, and considered skipping, as if only to just  _ breathe _ for a second, and not think about this all. I felt my head spin, as my thoughts continually raced… my skull pounded, chock full of all the possible ‘what-ifs?’, and to distract myself, I reached over to Feferi, ignoring Eridan’s lonesome presence at the table we usually sat at.

“Hey, FF?”

She looked up at my voice with a polite smile, before turning her head to the side just a nudge, and raising a brow.

“Hey, what’s up, Sollux?”

“Could… you do me a favor?” I paused to reach into my bag, ignoring Karkat’s confused glance at the camera in my hand, before handing it over to her, and giving her my most ‘natural’ pleading eyes. “...I borrowed this from Karkat. I kind of wanted to… I don’t know, start a scrapbook? I saw one in this movie I watched, and it’d be cool… even if I’m two years late.”

Karkat rolled his eyes at my words, before turning back to Terezi, and Feferi’s eyes lit up at my words as she smiled widely, and nodded. She turned the camera on, before bringing it close to her face, and fucking with the lens.

“Sollux, of course! That is such a cool idea actually - I had my own scrapbook… for middle school! I don’t touch it now, but my mom likes it…”

She drifted off to her rambling as she fucked around with the camera, trying to fix the settings, before finally getting them to a standard she deemed adequate, and bringing it up. At once, Dave ducked under the table.

“Uh… no. I take them, I’m not in them-”

He was presumably yanked upwards by Vriska, who shot Feferi a knowing glance, and smiled menacingly towards him.

“Don’t be a fucking pussy. Sollux, you’ll photoshop this if my nose looks big, right?”

Feferi responded for me, snapping the first experimental shot.

“Of course! Now all of you, smile.”

A predictable picture war ensued. It was comforting, watching them hand the camera around the table, Dave sticking out his tongue… Terezi bringing Karkat close for a kiss, and Feferi managing to catch Tavros in the back, fake gagging. They giggled and flirted with each other, and even complained about being on film. It seemed strangely childish, but I played along. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for normal human behavior today.

“Oh… Sollux, we wasted all your film!”

Feferi spoke in an apologetic tone, and I took the camera, half-frowning, before exhaling, and giving her a reassuring smile.

“It’s cool… I got everything else I needed, regardless.”

  
  


Biology was tolerable, after the distraction at lunch. Twice, Eridan responded for me, and twice, I scooted my seat further from them.

  
  


After school Eridan walked me to the truck silently, making sure I’d reached it before giving me a single lookover and then continuing towards their own car. I tried to let it pass unnoticed, taking the seat beside Karkat - Nepeta’d gone home early for a soccer game - but… even if I had managed to somewhat forget that, Karkat hadn’t. He turned to me as he started the car, raising a brow before focusing on backing out of the parking space, and then speaking once we started driving.

“Thanks for asking for the camera, fucking kleptomanic bitch. We’re going to Thriftway to take out my last few pictures on that, and the rest of yours. Anyways, are you and your… boyfriend… like… doing okay? They haven’t even talked to you, it’s like March all over again.”

He gave a shudder as he spoke, as if that was a horrible memory. Maybe, to others… it was. I’d take it now though, all of March’s horridness, for the chance to speak to Eridan all over again. I sighed, and shrugged.

“They’re… busy, I gueth.”

Karkat made a face at my lisp, making an ‘o’ with his lips, before setting them into a straight line, and turning to focus on the road.

“Sheesh, it’s like that? Fucking hell, dude. Did you do something? Not saying you’re fucking weird, or all nasty - just, guy to guy - we’re fucking idiots and rush shit sometimes, without even realizin-”

“No, no, fuck… it’s none of that.” I ran a hand through my hair as I spoke, finally managing to genuinely laugh for the first time in what felt like decades. Karkat had a definite way with words. “...they’re just actually busy. Focused on shit, visiting family… I guess.”

“Oh,” Karkat nodded understandably, and it felt as though I was talking to a fucking therapist. “...Yeah, yeah no fuck, I get that. Shit’s hard, sometimes… especially with a weird, adopted family. Anyways, it’s none of my fucking business but I was wondering. Here’s my card, the pin is sixty-twelve.”

It took him handing me the card for me to realize we were in the parking lot, and I took it with a small nod, memorizing the numbers before going inside the shop with the camera in hand. Once I’d gotten the pictures, Karkat separated his and gave me the envelope with mine, shoving his into the glove compartment. He dropped me off home soon after before heading to work, and I wasted no time in going straight to my room, shoving my backpack aside, and sitting on my bed with the envelope.

  
  


It felt as though it was Christmas and I was receiving a present. I opened the envelope with anxious curiosity, pulling out the first photo - half expecting it to be a blank - before taking a single look at it, and inhaling sharply.

Eridan looked just as beautiful as they had in real life, though… photos still managed to mute some of it down. They were gorgeous here, far more beautiful than any celebrity I’d seen in magazines, any statue I’d seen in museums, but in real life - they were  _ ethereal _ . Eridan looked at me now, golden warm eyes that I’d been starved of for far too long staring right through me, and it was as though this single photograph knocked the wind out of me. I stared at it for a few more seconds, before exhaling sharply, and raising it to my mouth, and pressing a gentle - almost nonexistent kiss to it. This’d… have to do for now.

I skimmed through the rest of the stack quickly, not actually caring much about the ones that my friends had taken - before settling on three, and spreading them out on the bed.

The first picture was of Eridan and Silias, focused on  _ ESPN _ . Their expression differed greatly from their normal one, eyes severe - brows heavy. They looked tired, utterly exhausted, and it only served to make them even more beautiful.

The last two and the one I was holding prior were of me and Eridan, standing awkwardly side by side. They still had the same expression, but that wasn’t what managed to shock me now. It was the drastic difference between them. They were beautiful, chiseled jaw and sharp cheekbones jutting out of the corners of their alabaster face as they looked towards me with what seemed to be pleading eyes. I sucked a breath as I looked up at myself, and effectively cringed. They looked like a god. I looked painfully average, and like… a hunky piece of flesh they’d taken pity on.

  
  


I flipped it over, trying to not think much of it as I reached to my desk and grabbed a sharpie. I wrote the dates on the back of all of the photos, and the events that were taking place. The people involved. The names, and place. It felt as though it was homework, but still far more entertaining. Once I’d finished and let them dry, I set the photos back into the envelope, and into the drawer of my nightstand. I’d buy a scrapbook soon, and actually get to work on it. For now… I had them. I had the memories, and that was all I needed.

* * *

I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until I woke up to the light rhythmic knocking I was used to - too light to come from the door, definitely from the window - and I sat up curiously, a little - no… very surprised when I slipped on my glasses and my eyes focused on the figure standing ahead of mine, a gentle smile plastered onto their perfect face.

“Sollux, do you mind taking a w-walk w-with me?”

It was wrong.

All of it.

It was late out - for starters. Obviously late, and Eridan’d been so reposed just three… four hours ago, and now they were here, a grin plastered on their face as if nothing had happened at all. Still, I sat up curiously, squinting my eyes towards them, before exhaling, and looking down for a second. I feigned thinking about it, as if my decision wasn’t already made.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Let me go downstairs.”

They were now at my side, taking a gentle hold of my hand as they flashed my favorite dimpled smile, and I felt my heart race.  _ It was certainly happening… now _ .  _ We were leaving, and they’d realized I’d discovered the plan _ \- Eridan spoke now, halting my train of thought.

“I’ll beat you dow-wnstairs.”

  
  


True to their word, they did. I suspected they’d been down at the porch for a few minutes as I slipped on my shoes and reminded myself of my previously learned breathing exercises. By the time I was outside and facing them, their face was entirely emotionless again, and I inhaled sharply at the change.

No, no! This was wrong… they’d just… they took my hand, leading me through the woods we’d already walked through together, and my mind flashed back to that day. My fingers strumming the chords I’d practiced for days, them glancing over me and my actions inquisitively… how close we were even through the distance, and we’d barely taken a few steps into the trees before I pulled away entirely from them, and stopped. I glanced at them once more, their expression still entirely unreadable, and I exhaled sharply.

I felt the goosebumps rise through my skin as I moved to lean against the tree, and took a sharp breath.

“Okay, let’t-let’s talk.”

Eridan took a deep breath, seemingly composed… before exhaling, and looking up to me.

“I hav-ven’t been entirely honest w-with you, Sollux.”

I didn’t need the sentence to be continued. I knew where it’d go.

“W-We aren't goin' to Denali. W-We’re leav-vin’.”

I took a deep breath, trying to gather myself, before swallowing. My throat was dry, now. This was fine. I’d prepared for this. I was soon to be of age, regardless, though the question remained.

“What… why now?”

“Sollux, it’s time. My mother… she’s supposed to be thirty-fiv-ve, but she’s barely passin’ for thirty, w-we’d hav-ve to start ov-ver soon regardless.”

Their answer made sense, but it still managed to confuse me. The point of leaving was to let their family live in peace… so why did  _ we _ have to leave if they all did? I furrowed my brows, contemplating it, before my chest tightened, and I stifled a dry chuckle.

“When you thay ‘we’ you mean-”

“My family an’ myself.”

Each word felt sharper than the last, and I was sure my knees had effectively buckled forward. I pursed my lips, shaking my head subtly in disbelief, before mummurring a curse, and speaking once more.

“Okay… fine. I’ll go with yo-”

“No.” Their voice cut me off instantaneously, as if there was no discussion left to be had. As if it wasn’t my own damn choice - “...w-where w-we are goin’, it… isn’t right for you.”

“I’m…  _ I’m going _ , Eridan. You don’t get to-”

“I get to end this w-whenev-ver I see fit. I don’t-”

I was tired of being cut off. I felt as though I was a child when I raised my voice, but now… I saw fit. It was necessary to fight for what I wanted.

“No! Fuck, just… fucking  _ hell _ , no. I… you don’t get to just leave whenever you want. It’s not fair, you  _ know _ I fucking love you-” the words seemed foreign in my mouth… but comfortable all at once. I paused, going over my words for a second, before continuing to speak in a strained whisper. “...you  _ know _ I need you.”

Eridan looked up at my once, eyes seemingly full of disdain and pity, before they shook their head gently, mirroring my expression, and then spoke the two words I’d never actually thought I’d hear from them. A  _ fucking smirk _ graced their lips, and they spoke gently, as if they were asking for bubblegum.

“ _ I don’t _ .”

I stared at them incomprehensibly, ignoring the water and heat gathering in my face as I went over my words again. Had I… said something wrong? No, I’d had to have misheard - as if I was looking for confirmation, I repeated the words again… this time slower. Easier for me to understand.

“You… don’t… want me?”

There was no apology in their expression, only disdain. My emotion had disgusted them. Eridan practically sneered towards me as they spoke, angelic face full of malice, and I was sure I was choking on the very air I needed to breathe.

“No.”

The answer was definite, and I stared ahead, away from them for what felt like an eternity. Was it so impossibly easy to already feel  _ numb _ within seconds? It felt as though someone had cut the cord to my life support, and I was gasping for air. It felt as though I’d been injected with morphine, and I was paralyzed. The venom in their eyes was a snake, biting me down before proceeding to strangle me as I took it all with no response.

“That changes things.”

I was surprised at how calm and stable my voice was. I felt as though I was dying inside, and yet… I sounded composed.

“Yes…” Eridan continued, making a mockery of this, smile light on their face as they pondered on what to say next, before pursing their lips, and looking towards me once again. I didn’t meet the glance. “...I’m just sorry I let this go on for so long.”

“Wait,”

I started to protest weakly, blinking against the sudden blurriness of my vision, but Eridan wasn’t bothered by it.

“If it isn’t too much to ask… try an’ not get yourself killed. For your family’s sake.”

“Wait!” My voice was louder now, sharper, but still uneasy. Eridan stared up at me, and for a second, I was sure I noticed their brows twitch. “I’m… I’m going with you.”

What was I even saying now? It felt as though my head was spinning, and the trees were beginning to loop around me. Was I actually being strangled? Was I dying..? Were they killing me - putting me out of my misery, like an animal they felt sorry for?

“No, you w-won’t.” Their voice was serene… impossibly serene, calm - it felt like an utter mockery of the devastation I’d felt within minutes. “An’... let me make you one final promise.”

“Anything,” I distantly heard myself breathe out in response.

“I promise that this w-will be the last time you'll see me. I w-won't come back. I w-won't put you through anythin’ like this again. You can go on w-with your life w-without any more interference from me. It w-will be as if I'd nev-ver existed.”

“No,” Once again, I felt as if I’d been separated from my body. I could only hear my words, but not feel my lips move, and my tongue form them.

“Goodbye.”

I blinked once, and within that second, there was a light, unnatural breeze. I felt something light on my feet, and something cool press against my nose… and then, when I opened my eyes, they were gone. With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed them into the forest. The evidence of their path had disappeared instantly… there were no footprints, no leaves moved out of place, it was as if nothing had ever happened. As if nobody had passed by. I ignored it all, and walked forward without thinking. I couldn’t possibly even consider doing anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking… if I stopped for a second, even as my chest began to heave, as my head began to spin - 

It was over.

Love, life, meaning…

Over.

I walked and walked, pushing past the burning of my legs to desperately find them. Time made no sense as I pushed slowly through the thick undergrowth. Hours passed as I paced through the forest, but it felt as though it’d been seconds. Maybe it felt like time had frozen because the forest looked the same no matter how far I went. I started to worry that I was traveling in a circle, a very small circle at that, but I kept going. I stumbled often, and, as it grew darker and darker, I fell often, too.

Finally, I tripped over something… it was black now, I had no idea what caught my foot… and I stayed down. I sat there, on my damp pajama pants, and looked around desperately, ignoring the dryness of my eyes, the dryness of my throat, the need to  _ breathe _ -

I couldn't remember how long it had been since nightfall. Was it always so dark here at night? Surely, as a rule, some little bit of moonlight would filter down through the clouds, through the chinks in the canopy of trees, and find the ground.

Not tonight. Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight… a lunar eclipse, a new moon.

A new moon. I chuckled sarcastically. Weren’t those supposed to bring change, growth? Eridan had chosen their scene well, then.

  
  


Sitting in the moonlight eased the burn. I knew the wound would grow tomorrow, the skin would be tender and bruised - but it was fine for tonight, it seemed. I sat by myself, contemplating what’d just happen, and felt uncharacteristically calm.

They didn’t need me. That was… fine. I’d lived my life perfectly capable before them.

They didn’t want me. That was also fine, though it hurt far more than I expected. The bruises were starting to form, then. I wanted them. I always did, and a part of me agreed silently - I always  _ would _ \- but life wasn’t always generous. I’d received far too much with these past months, more than I ever dreamed to possibly deserve.

  
  


When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

I stood up then, no longer wanting to even think about it. I was sure I’d remember my way home - the forest was easy to navigate now, with a clear head, and the subtle beams of glowing moonlight gleaming down towards me. And so, I found my way home relatively easily. It took at least an hour, and I’d almost fallen down a few times - nothing compared to what’d happened prior, I’d take a thousand almost falls and entire falls just to erase that, to pretend it never happened - but the porch light was still on by the time I’d escaped the shroud of green, so it wasn’t that late. My uncle’s cruiser was gone, too, but Karkat’s car was in its place. He’d be working late then…

I entered the house, kicking my shoes off numbly, ignoring how uncomfortably wet I now felt. Above all, I was tired.

Within seconds, frantic footsteps came from down the stairs, and I felt my heart jump to my throat - but when I looked up, it settled deep back into my chest, and Karkat raised a concerned brow at me.

“Where… the fuck were you?”

I couldn’t understand his words, or his expression. I shifted my head to the side, and blinked once.

“What?”

“Eridan fucking came over? Looking for you? And then they said they left something in your room and needed it, so I let them in, which was fucking weird… I didn’t even know you’d had them over-”

My head muted then. I felt my heart sink further down at the sudden realization of the meaning behind the words I’d been so confused by before.

No.

_ ‘I promise that this w-will be the last time you'll see me.’ _

No!

_ ‘It w-will be as though I nev-ver existed.’ _

No…

I ignored the rest of Karkat’s words, pushing past him frantically until he finally let me pass by him, and rushing over to my room. My face instinctively fell towards the nightstand, and when I opened it… the envelope was exactly how I’d left it. Curious, I opened it once, peaking through, before letting all the pictures fall down to the drawer, and closing it shut.

They were gone.

The photos were gone.

I looked up now, shaking, and my eyes closed at once. I breathed sharply. I felt my knees unbuckle, and soon felt the wooden floor beneath them, and I felt myself shudder.

I was drowning now, it felt. The waves were easy to lose to… impossibly easy. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

  
  


I did not resurface.

  
  


* * *

**JUNE**

* * *

**JULY**

* * *

**AUGUST**

* * *

**SEPTEMBER**

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, this one HURT


	20. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These violent delights have violent ends
> 
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
> 
> Which, as they kiss, consume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sex money feelings die

* * *

  
Time passes, even when logically it shouldn’t. You could feel frozen… in every utter sense of the word, unable to move… think… eat or breathe, and time will simply refuse to wait for you to even so much as catch your breath. It’s an insult, a branding on scarred skin. What really is the matter of it all… of it will still pass by? It’s impossibly easy, getting lost in the length of time. It’s even easier to be forgotten, and passed to the side. Grown tired of. Ignored, and replaced. It’s a never ending cycle, almost. Funny, even. Those you trust the most set you aside when it becomes rough, and you’re of no use to them anymore. It’s all terribly, terribly hilarious.

Every second of the clock passes by automatically, the ‘tick’ a simple echo behind my shrouded skull, another empty, meaningless reminder of how _much time_ had passed by. It was embarrassing… all of this. Stupidly fucking embarrassing, the physical embodiment of gargling acid, and letting it pool and spill from your lips — dribbling down your chin, and burning everything down it’s path. My behavior these past few months were simply inexcusable, even with… all things considered. I didn’t blame my aunt and uncle for growing concerned, or my cousins — well, Nepeta, for steering clear of me entirely. She had no reason to be concerned now, and I wasn’t in any… immediate danger.

I stared blankly ahead at the fogged glass as Karkat drove, holding my bag close to my chest, and leaning forward to get a better clear of the street. I didn’t notice his head turning from the street down to me until he spoke, and I jumped backwards against the seat in surprise.

“They’re going to send you home, you do know that, right?”

His voice was gentler than before now, but it still caught me suddenly. I wasn’t aware we’d even been talking… having a conversation of some sort until he finally stated those words. I exhaled for a moment, before turning up, and raising a brow.

“I am home.”

“They want to send you to your parents, to Seattle.”

Karkat clarified, before turning his head to the street as I furrowed my brows, and tried to figure out how to respond to that. I slowly understood what he was talking about, and frowned subtly.

“I… what did I even _do?_ I mean, I got a job - I started helping with the bills, I-” It was confusing to me… why would they want me out? My behavior had been perfect, better than it’d been before. After that first week — which we all agreed to simply ignore — I’d never missed a single day of school, had done and turned in all my work on time, I’d even picked up a job with Karkat at the little shop he’d been working for during the summer. I never even dared to break curfew, only using the truck I’d suddenly gotten for my birthday for drives to work — hell, I still went to school in the mornings with Karkat — I never _went_ anywhere that involved breaking curfew. 

Karkat looked at my expression once before scowling, and sighing.

“That’s the issue! You never fucking do anything. Ever. Like… fuck, man. I get it — the depression thing — it happens, but it’s been… four months now. They’re _not_ coming back.” I winced subtly at his words, and silently hoped Karkat didn’t see it. “...At the very least, be a teenager while you fucking wait. Go out, have fun, get in trouble… you’re eighteen Sollux, why the fuck are you suddenly moping around at home?”

“You guys… want me to get into trouble?”

I furrowed my brows, confused at his words. Of course… the moping part stung more than a bit. I hadn’t wanted them involved, or worried. I’d tried my best to seem collected, reserved… I wanted to come off as though I was handling it, because… wasn’t I? Of course I was, I’d been… doing better than when I first came to stay with them all. I was handling perfectly fine — except I wasn’t, and everyone but me could obviously see that.

“Trouble would be way fucking better than this… moping-”

“I am not fucking moping.”

Karkat blinked at me incredulously, before pursing his lips, and then continuing his sentence.

“...No, you’re right. Moping _would_ be a fucking improvement from now. At least then you’d be doing something, expressing shit in a normal… proper fucking human way. You’re just… lifeless now. That’s not even the right word for it, but at least it’ll clear shit up a little for you.”

I… didn’t know how to even respond. My brain felt heavy… foggy, and incredibly tired. This conversation did nothing but make me feel worse over it all, and really, I was already feeling absolutely terrible. Dead, even — maybe Karkat’s terminology was the proper choice, even if he wasn’t totally sure of it.

“I’m… sorry.”

The apology felt foreign coming off of my lips. I wasn’t totally sure what I was actually apologizing for, or if it was the right thing to do. It felt flat, pointless. However, I was also apologizing for the fact that my family was clearly being affected. That was… horrible. It wasn’t my intention whatsoever, and it only worked to make me feel absolutely, much more worse than I’d started. Just because I’d resigned myself to self-exiled misery didn’t mean everyone else had to deal… or rather put up with it… as well.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

Karkat only frowned in response, furrowing his brows as he drove through the rain. I couldn’t be sure if he was trying to keep us from not crashing, or rather he was more focused on what exactly to say.

“Look, I know it’s fucking… shitty to hear it, but… you’re not the first dude to ever go through this. And… really, you won’t be the fucking last. It’s harder on us… the guys, we’re expected to bottle shit up and walk around all dandy like... ‘Oh look, I’m totally fucking a-okay!’ when we’re not, I… get that. Trust me.”

I stayed entirely quiet, only frowning as a reaction to his words, my grimace limp and… bored. Terribly bored.

“I know that.”

“Of course you do. But- fuck, we handle it. When Terezi and I first started having issues, that was a shitty fucking time for me. I did a bunch of stupid shit… _considered_ a bunch of shit I’m not proud of… but I handled it. I got up every morning, helped out at the church with dad, and stayed on top of my school and got a job. I handled it. You’re not handling it.”

“You… want me to turn to Jesus? Seriously?”

That got a laugh out of Karkat as he gripped the wheel, and then proceeded to shake his head.

“Hell fuck no. He’d turn you away... straight away, but the point is, you fucking distract yourself. You don’t let someone take hold of your life, because you were doing fine before them. You can be fine, and really… even better _without_ them. And… if they come back, or don’t… you’ll be fine either way.”

“That… makes sense.”

It didn’t, whatsoever. The prospect of moving on… distracting myself was ridiculous — weren’t you supposed to simply wallow in the agony until the pain no longer stung? I wasn’t sure myself. I’d never been the type to care for break-ups, I was easily distracted by the new shiny person who caught my eye… but now, even the idea of being distracted was terrifying. I was certain if I took my mind off of them they’d disappear entirely, and I wouldn’t remember a thing of them. Remembering them was absolutely vital… way… too fucking vital. Even if they… weren’t coming back, I’d remember them. I’d remember the dimples and fire-like hair and alabaster skin, reciting it like prayer until it was simply instinct to recall it — and, I sounded like a bonafide stalker. I was a freak, wasn’t I? This wasn’t normal whatsoever, even for me. 

I’d even considered reaching out to my old therapist in Seattle, but with therapy… it only really helped if you told the truth. It was easy to tell the truth about the car accident that left me with a chunk of my brother’s skull in my hand as my dad kept his heart beating. That was… fine, another shitty memory that was “socially accepted”. I couldn’t make up a single scenario in my head where I’d say the total truth about Eridan and _wouldn’t_ end up in a straightjacket, seated in the middle of a padded cell… reciting Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I cringed at the imagery, before leaning back into the seat, and exhaling.

“Look, dude. I don’t want you to leave. Seriously. It’s your senior year, and we deserve some time to fuck around and get some felonies my dad will scrub off our records. I’m trying to convince them to keep you here, but you have to put some fucking effort in too. Just… _try._ Try to be happy without them, or at least… learn to act like you’re fine.”

I wasn’t exactly sure what Karkat was getting at now, but the efforts were appreciated. I blinked once, trying to figure out what I could do now — say now.

“It’s been… months. No contact. No letters, no calls — you can’t keep waiting for the-”

“Are you going out tonight? It’s friday, so…”

That caught Karkat off guard, and I kept my glower to myself, instead trying to look blankly ahead as he parked, and furrowed his brows together.

“Uh… yeah, actually. I am. It’s just a little get-together with some friends, why?”

“I’ll… be there. For sure. I should… try to get out some more, actually. Just let me know when you’re heading out.”

I reached to unbuckle my seatbelt, grabbing my bag, and opening the door.

“Sollux-”

I stepped out of the car, slinging my backpack over my shoulder as I walked ahead of Karkat, entirely ignoring his calls out to me. I wasn’t… actually interested in the idea of hanging out with his friends. They were all boring, absolute idiots who didn’t know the difference between oregano and actual weed, but hopefully this’d get me back in my aunt and uncle’s good graces, and they’d stop treating me like a mental patient.

Well…

I silently shook my head at that last hopeful wish. No, that'll… never happen. Not with my family. However, at the very least, they’d think that I was perfectly fine, and over Eridan… or at least… getting there. Maybe, just maybe, this would be good for me too. While I was strictly anti-distractions, I… some were sometimes good. This… could be good.

  
  


In the haste of the conversation in the car, I didn’t actually realize how early we were to school. Of course, it was always better for Karkat — more time to talk with Terezi, a good parking space, time to figure out his work schedule — it wasn’t so great for me. It gave me time to think… free time to do whatever I’d liked, and I made it a rule to avoid free time like the plague.

Well, I’d also made it a rule to ignore all conversations relating to the plague.

I took a seat at the outdoor picnic area near the front, far away from the specific table I’d shared with Eridan, and quickly reached for my bag, pulling out my Calculus textbook. It was easier to not think about my aunt and uncle’s probable thoughts on me when I was focused on math — which I was admittedly good at. I’d spent ten times the regular amount of time I had on Calculus now, which in turn kept my grade at a high A, and I was positive my teacher thought it correlated to his teaching skills. I didn’t mention the fact that I’d already taken the course online freshman year so as to not burst his bubble.

Really, math was a good distraction. It was similar to coding, but with strictly numbers, and I was honestly great at both. I flipped the pages over to the lesson plan we’d be working on today, and got a headstart on all the questions, as to not go absolutely insane in the school parking lot, at seven in the morning. I kept at it, reaching all over to the final quiz at the end of the lesson before the first bell finally rang, and I looked up to notice the parking lot was entirely full. I stuffed my book back into my bag, fixing my glasses before standing up, and rushing over to English.

  
  


My teacher didn’t comment on my blatant tardiness to her class, and I took my seat in the far back. We were working on some sort of animal farm — an incredibly easy subject matter I didn’t care much for. Really, I wasn’t a fan of communism, but it was a very welcomed change to my current thought process. As well as… well, the absolutely horrible fucking romances that plagued… no, took up most of the curriculum. For once I wasn’t totally droning off, instead focusing on idly scribbling onto my paper answers I was sure made sense. After I was done, I settled into my seat, grateful for the distraction that was my teacher’s lecture. I didn’t remember most of their names. They seemed irrelevant to care for now, at least. Maybe after I graduated.

Time moved easily when I was in school — too easily. The bell rang what felt like five minutes after I took my seat, and I stood up, packing my bag lazily, before moving to walk off to my next class.

“Sollux?”

I recognized Tavros’ voice and rolled my eyes internally, knowing his words before they even left his lips.

“Are you... working tomorrow?”

I sighed, turning to face him — oh how I wished I could just fucking be left alone — and pretended to think for a second before raising a brow at him. In the midst of my annoyance, I could see that I’d definitely grown a bit taller than him. Strange. His expression only worked to further grow my annoyance — he asked me this question every Friday. Every Friday, I gave the same exact answer. I’d never considered taking so much a single sick day… expect for… well, but I was a model employee besides that. He had no reason to look so concerned.

“Tomorrow is Saturday, isn’t it?” I winced at my own tone. Having it just been pointed out by Karkat, I could suddenly hear how emotionless my voice now sounded.

“Yeah, it... is.” He agreed quietly, not bothering to fake a smile, or keep up with appearances towards me. He turned around and walked off to his own class — nobody bothered walking me to class anymore. It was as though I’d disappeared entirely, and for that I was grateful. Less prodding eyes, and less prying fingers. Peace and absolute quiet.

  
  


I walked off to Calculus with a grim expression plastered onto my face. This was the class I shared with Karkat, and after the debacle this morning, I was certain it’d be far more eventful than just him asking for my quiz answers. Of course, Karkat knew my current state of antisocial behavior thoroughly — whilst it’d offended Nepeta he’d taken a sort of liking to it, effectively taking me under his wing — I silently hoped he wouldn’t take offense to my butting into his plans. He’d… wanted me to start going out more, didn’t he though? It made no sense why he’d have an issue with me suddenly joining. Even then, if Karkat disagreed or made some sort of weak excuse, I’d find something else to do. I didn’t want to risk facing my aunt and uncle as I resigned myself to my bedroom at six pm on a Friday night again. Well… no, I was fine with that, but… I liked Forks. More than Seattle.

I weighed my set of options carefully as I stood outside the classroom, waiting for it to fill up some more. Going home and _staying_ home was entirely out of the equation today. Of course… if Karkat refused, I could probably invite a friend to Port Angeles for some… bonding… but the simple thought of driving there made me incredibly uneasy, and the only reliable friend I had was Aradia, who’d likely grown tired of my shit. I wasn’t so much as worried about the car, though… even then, I had to be. It was new, shiny — a glossy black and totally from the future — and driving it _alone_ wasn’t such a great idea. I scoffed quietly at my own thought process… I’d refused the truck in the first place, and now I was worried about it being stolen.

I gnawed at my lip anxiously now, avoiding the piercings for once as I considered simply driving out to La Push, and sitting there, parked, until it was late. That’d work… until Silias would catch wind of it, courtesy of Equius’s dad, and his own lovely daughter. Nepeta and Daniel were the biggest gossips when it came to my whereabouts, and so… sitting idle and lying was absolutely out of the question.

I was… admittedly stuck. It was clear now, and I had no choice but to socialize, and hang out with Karkat. Even if I was all for it earlier I felt uncomfortable about it now, almost resenting the idea as a whole. Could I really… just distract myself? Even then, what would I do? Stand in the corner like a wallflower? I hadn’t hung out properly with a friend group since my own freshman year, and all we’d done then was smoke copious amounts of seemingly weak weed, and blast _Avenged Sevenfold_ in a weak attempt to seem cool… whatever that was.

  
  


Scoffing at the possibility of that actually being ‘in’ nowadays in Forks, I entered the classroom just as the bell rang, and took the empty seat beside Karkat. Judging by the backpack seated neatly in it, he’d obviously reserved it for me, and I wasn’t sure whether I was going to receive hell, or motivating scripture. Instinctively I bowed my head as if to signal I didn’t want to be bothered, but I silently told myself Karkat was simply the Jesus he saw himself as, and cracked a half-smile at it.

“What’s so funny?”

Shit. I instantly suppressed the smile, clearing my throat as I straightened my back and coughed once into a balled fist, trying to act as though I was alright, and casual. I ran a hand through my hair, and turned to face him.

“Nothing, nothing. I just think the eyeliner really suits your eyes. Very…” Fuck, what the fuck was his idol’s name? “...Gilbert Way. It’s great.”

Karkat blinked once, brows furrowing before he exhaled, and simply reached for his notebook, opening it to a clear page as he muttered something under his breath. Finally, he turned back to me.

“It’s Gerard. Fuck you.” He paused for a second, likely considering whether or not to continue this conversation. “...Are you just going to compliment my metal fucking eyeliner, or talk about earlier?”

“Earlier?”

I raised a brow, feigning innocence in my voice, but using it against family was pointless. Karkat rolled his eyes, turning to write the date onto the page.

“Yes, earlier. The whole inviting yourself to a party after receiving a great fucking speech from yours truly? I deserve a fucking thank you, actually.”

Wait. He wasn’t… bothered by me joining? Now I was actually entirely confused, raising a brow and opening my mouth to speak, before simply closing it and frowning.

“You’re… cool with me going?”

“Uh… yeah? They taught you how to smoke in Seattle, right? And… drink?”

“Yeah. Well, I taught myself… they can’t really te-”

“Okay, then I’m cool with you going. The more the merrier, or whatever the fuck.”

I cringed internally at Karkat’s blatant ignorance to my using his invitation as a distraction, and yet at the same time, I could only wish I was that fucking checked out of life. Karkat took my silence as me finishing the conversation and huffed quietly before turning over to his notebook, and starting on his classwork. I figured I’d do the same, taking out my own books to finish on the final quiz of the chapter. I was at least glad I had some eight more hours to mentally prepare myself before tonight… whatever that entailed. 

  
  


Calculus passed even quicker than English, though that was likely due to my preparation from this morning. Doing the classwork beforehand was honestly overpowered — if you understood it class would be an absolute breeze — and I silently wondered why I’d never made it a habit beforehand as I stood, and put my books back into my bag. I found myself stopping Karkat right as we were walking out, and turning to face my cousin.

“Wait.”

He blinked once, entirely unamused, before frowning.

“What?”

“This… get-together. Who’s hosting it?”

I wasn’t absolutely sure why it mattered to me, a party was a party wasn’t it? Still, it was always nicer to ease my anxiety by being absolutely… unequivocally sure. Karkat raised a brow at my question and then settled his face to a monotone expression, somehow not surprised whatsoever by my incessant need to question every single thing.

“Oh. Fuck, it’s at Feferi’s house. Her sister, Meenah, is starting college next week or some shit, the whole Fall semester, so she wanted the house to herself to have a last little fucking party. Feferi isn’t a part of it, but she wanted us to come hang out.”

That made sense. Still, even though we were once way closer — well, not incredibly close, her presence still worked to only make me irritable… more than usual — Feferi and I hadn’t talked in what felt like years. Had it been years? Her and Nepeta were obviously close, and both social butterflies… she’d come around the first few days and weeks, definitely concerned… but stopped caring after the second month of me remaining a recluse came around. I’d figured I’d offended both of them with it, the whole… antisocial tendencies, so I simply stopped checking around with them, and seeing if they wanted me around. The answer was almost always a definite ‘no’. Still, a party… or well, party for the to-be college students, get-together for the highschool seniors at her place didn’t seem too bad, and I couldn’t find any reason why they’d refuse, or promptly not open the door when I’d show up. I silently considered this possibly having a pretty good effect on my social status — my return to society would definitely make some of them feel better about having to previously tiptoe around me — and I could already imagine the array of reactions. Tavros’s awkward attempts at kindness, Vriska’s scowl… Feferi’s wide, wide smile, and fuck, even Dave and Terezi’s concerned encouragement. However… the more that I thought of it all the more _imagining_ it all became fucking creepy, so I quickly shook my head, and realized Karkat was still there, standing in front of me, arms crossed… waiting for a response.

I blinked, and then blinked twice more, before exhaling awkwardly.

“Uh… fuck, cool. Cool. That sounds fucking cool.”

He gave a concerned expression in response, even worse than Dave Strider’s, but I ducked under the doorframe and backed away without a single word, instead turning away, and rushing to my next class.

* * *

The rest of the day passed relatively quickly, as I was more focused on everything that’d likely take place _after_ school. It was easier to think of it than pay attention in class… which for the record, I’d already had most of my work done beforehand in all of my classes. I wasn’t a horrible student. Still, twice my teachers asked me to actually pay attention, and one time I stumbled over my own feet as I walked up to the front of the class to turn in my extra-credit assignments. I knew from experience that once I got Karkat’s friend group to start talking all I’d have to do was sit aside and look as though I was actually paying attention, and that didn’t sound _that_ bad. Doing that for more than two hours though? Well… for my bedroom, I supposed I could try it.

  
  


Of course, only minimal interaction would be required.

  
  


When I opened the door and took a seat in Karkat’s truck he turned to me quickly as he started it and moved to back out of the parking space.

“Listen, I’m going to go out to get some shit before going to Feferi’s, so you have to take your own car… unless you want to go earlier with me.”

The prospect of heading out earlier somehow seemed horrible, so I quickly shook my head in response, and he almost smiled. I somehow felt offended.

“Cool, I’ll leave the address on a sticky in your room.”

“Great.”

My reply was just as emotionless as I didn’t want it to be, and I winced internally. Karkat didn’t seem bothered by it, instead turning to focus on driving instead, and I was left resigned to my own thoughts once again. When I was at school, it was easier to pass the time, and focus on things that didn’t really matter. The petty drama of my peers, whatever Karkat was frustrated and rambling about next… it was easy to take my mind off of things then. When I wasn’t at school I shut myself out to the world, almost as if it were a reflex, but only because it was easier.

The thick, cloudy haze that blurred my days now was always more confusing than the day prior, and I found myself constantly mentally checking out, and functioning as though I was on autopilot… with zero recollection of what I’d done in that time. I was surprised when I found myself in my bedroom, not even remembering the car ride home, or arriving… or even opening the front door for that matter. Of course, at least I was… home now. I was able to sit, and distinctly describe everything I wanted to remember over and over, until my skull was pounding as a result.

The lack of memory wasn’t a big deal, of course. It was concerning… or would’ve been to any other untrained eye, but it didn’t matter now. All I wanted was for the time to pass and for me to forget, and it was giving me that exactly. I had no reason to complain, or nitpick at things until they fit my own mediocre agenda. Losing track of time was the most I’d wanted from life.

I didn’t even bother to register what I was looking for exactly until my eyes fell to my closet, and I squinted at it once, before swallowing in an attempt to ease my dried mouth. I didn’t fight the haze as I walked towards it, and felt absolutely empty… meaningless as I slid the door open, and looked down to the pile of utter garbage at the left side of it, under the pile of clothes I’d bought, and never decided to wear. It was common for me to stick with plain, unassuming outfits now. Colors and designs drew attention to me, and I wanted absolutely none of that. My eyes refused to stray towards the black trash bag that held my present from my last birthday… my eyes absolutely refused to try and focus on the ridiculously expensive hunks of metal I’d found suddenly altering my desktop’s graphics and making it run like a _dream_ , and I didn’t try to remember the mess of blood and torn skin I’d turned my nails to as I clawed out all the pieces sans a screwdriver. The car… I’d been forced to keep. It was brand new, entirely paid off, and under my name… it was a necessity, though I made it a sport to destroy it as much as I could as a final ‘fuck you’. The computer upgrades though? Those sat in the closet, never to be seen again. I’d come around to selling them… eventually. I exhaled and grabbed a hoodie from the hanger, pulling it on and not bothering to change anything else. I pulled the closet door shut, now entirely refusing to give it all a second thought.

As if on cue, I heard a quick and short knocking on my door, and then footsteps walking away. Alright… Karkat was heading out now, and I had… at least another hour or so to kill before I was forced to head out, and intertwine with society. The mere thought made me sick, but… somehow moving back to Seattle was a concept I wanted to stay away from entirely. I pursed my lips as I walked to my bed, and laid silently for what felt like centuries. It felt as though I was rotting, and somehow as though my chest was propelling at dozens of miles a single second, and the idea of breathing was now… ridiculous. It tightened… constricted once and then twice, before releasing, and I was able to count my breath in time with my heartbeat once more. I’d never cared before for the distant sound of the rhythmic thumping, the only signal that I was alive — but it was almost a comfort now, pressing my fingers to the crook of my jaw, and exhaling once more as the sound filled my head. It was easy to see what was so comforting about it now, each ‘thump’ reminding me to breathe… and the faster I breathed, the faster it decided to thump. It was so fragile and yet interesting, but while I usually found comfort in it all before… now my head was full of racing thoughts… things I wanted to say or do, and I… had to do it now.

I sat up, pulling my laptop from under my pillow, and opening it — it ran faster now, after half-hearted sleepless nights spent tinkering it — and I opened pesterchum with clenched teeth. I hadn’t updated it in months, even with dozens of daily crash reports… it seemed useless, despite its popularity. I’d come around to it… eventually. I scrolled through my list of contacts… though it wasn’t really useful, considering the one I wanted was right at the very top, and offline. I opened a new memo with Kanaya’s chumhandle, and tried my absolute best to ignore my long, long… list of late night rambles I’d sent her, which she’d never responded to.

Typing was always the worst part, even with the asinine quirk I’d programmed into my account. In a way, though… the quirk was comforting. It was the gentle reminder that this was coming from me, and was how I truly felt.

* * *

**— twinArmageddon [TA] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 18:00 —**

  
  


**TA: kanaya, you've dii2appeared... liike everythiing el2e.**

**TA: we never talked more, nor gotten along... ii never made the fiir2t move for that two actually happen, far more preoccupiied wiith my own teenage ang2t... and ii'm 2orry about that. you 2aiid we'd be good friiend2, diidn't you? ii can't po22iibly 2ee why, you're bubbly and happy... and ii'm... here.**

**TA: iit'2 harder now, that you've all left. ii've 2aiid thii2 every week 2iince that day, and the memory ii2 2tiill fre2h. there'2 2o much ii wanted two do, 2o much ii wanted two... fuck, learn, and now ii feel a2 though any attempt toward2 that iin thii2 current 2tate ii2 pathetiic love2truck bull2hiit. ii feel horriible, plaguiing your me22age2 wiith thii2 — though, are you even openiing the2e? ii doubt iit.**

**TA: ii'd have gotten the notiifiicatiion, and you've been radiio 2iilent for month2 now. all of you. iit'2 riidiiculou2, ii2n't iit? u2iing our memo2 a2 a diiary... but truthfully, who el2e can ii talk two? ii'm lo2t here.**

**TA: when you left... and they left... you both took everythiing wiith you. liife feel2 empty now, iincrediibly meaniingle22, and yet... ii'm 2tiill here. tho2e that want two liive diie young for 2ome unknown rea2on, and ii'm left two rot alone... iit'2 a 2iick joke, ii2n't iit really?**

**TA: ii've triied moviing on, admiittedly... ii've gotten a job, ii'm payiing biill2 liike a proper adult now... ii'm great at 2chool, and ii could hone2tly go out and fiind 2omeone el2e, but the ab2ence of them ii2 everywhere ii look. iit feel2 a2 though a hole ha2 been punched through my gut, the wave of emptiine22 and actual... paiin that hiit2 anytiime ii try two thiink of 2omethiing that ii2n't them... iit'2 2o... fuckiing pathetiic. ii'm tryiing.**

**TA: 2tiill, iin a way... ii'm glad.**

**TA: the paiin ii2 a remiinder that you all were real, even wiith theiir attempt2 at tryiing two make me forget. all of you were real.**

  
  


**— twinArmageddon [TA] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 18:24 —**

* * *

  
  


I closed the laptop with an exhausted sigh, and shoved it aside. She’d never open it, that much I was sure of. Still… sending them was what felt the worst, aside from typing them. It was as though I was talking to a therapist that only knew to mumble and nod their head, and I couldn’t help but feel offended… even though they all likely didn’t want anything to do with me. They wouldn’t have cut me off with zero contact or notice if that weren’t the exact case, and accepting it was something I absolutely refused to do. I just… still, even throughout all the obvious reasons why they’d have to leave — the age, the secrecy, the prying eyes — I couldn’t comprehend why I was left out of it. It hurt even more to think about, a constant reminder of my worthlessness, how little I meant to Eridan and the rest of them… it hurt to think about it all. I wanted nothing more than to simply be with them, fuck the rest… and they obviously didn’t feel the same.

Bitterly, I stood up now, pressing my lips into a thin line as I tried my hardest to not dwell on the past… were all the ‘I love you’s, the speeches… treating me as though I was made of gold… was it all a sick, utterly horrible joke? It felt as though it was. It felt as though my head was made of jello now, horribly heavy on my shoulders, but I trudged past the sudden wave of exhaustion as I grabbed the car keys and exitted my room, grabbing the note taped to my door as I made my way to my car.

I always felt like this after I’d sent the passages of text to Kanaya… bitter, angry… hurt. It was a never ending set of constant waves… that hadn’t changed since the first day, the day I’d found out the pictures were gone. I wasn’t swimming now, merely floating. I’d drowned then, overwhelmed and full of emotions I could never possibly describe, but now I was… floating. I was comfortable, alright… but every now and then a wave like this would wash over me, and I’d drown once again. So… really, was I getting better? I wasn’t actively trying anymore, that was for sure. It was easier to be drawn away by the current than to fight against it, fight for normalcy… I simply wanted peace, and ease of mind. Being drawn away didn’t give me that, but it was miles easier than fighting, forcing myself further than I wanted to be pushed.

Floating against the current… was alright, for now. It’d have to do.

  
  


I opened the door to my truck and sat in it, slamming the door behind me shut before starting the ignition, and sighing quietly as I backed out of my parking space, and then starting driving away from the house. I’d memorized the sticky note already, and Feferi didn’t really live… that far away. It was a twenty minute drive, give or take, and while it wasn’t horrible, it gave way… way too much free time to think. I fiddled with the radio as I drove, settling on a station that played music loud enough to drown out my thoughts, and turned the volume up ridiculously high until my ears began to ache. It was uncomfortable, but… at the very least, you couldn’t go wrong ever with _Gorillaz._

Surprisingly, I found myself knowing all of the lyrics and silently humming along to the beat, so it did… actually work for clearing my mind, and keeping it all comfortably empty. I stopped at a gas station nearby to buy some cigarettes before finally arriving at Feferi’s at around seven thirty, somewhat pleased to find music already playing from the house, and cars parked along the driveway. I couldn’t find a space so I stuck to the sidewalk, getting out of my car and closing it. It was… not a bad house, surprisingly. Somehow, judging by Feferi’s demeanor I expected her to live in a shack, she was just… Earthy, but the McMansion made total sense, now that I actually thought about it. I stood idle for another second, absolutely hesitating and regretting everything that brought me to this decision… before walking up the long driveway to the front door, and knocking. From the distance, I saw Karkat’s truck parked at the near front, and it was comforting, admittedly. I wouldn’t be turned away just yet.

I waited a few moments awkwardly until the door finally opened, and I was half expecting… well, Feferi poked her head outward before breaking into a polite, almost genuine smile, and reaching out to drag me inside by my jacket.

“Sollux! I didn’t think you’d actually show up!”

Her voice didn’t sound disappointed, instead… actually surprised, and I straightened my back as she closed the door behind us before digging my hands into the pocket of my hoodie. They had… a nice house. Furnished… classily, but almost _too_ classy, as if it were from a magazine cover. It was cold inside though, so I was grateful I’d decided to actually wear a jacket.

“Oh, yeah. Karkat forced me to come with.”

Her grin faltered for a second, almost offended by the joke, before it appeared once again, this time more strained. Great. I gnawed at the inside of my cheek as she led me to where the rest of the group was hanging about, and I was thankful it was pretty close, or well… in her bedroom. 

“You know, I never really understood why you just… drifted away,” Feferi started as we entered the seemingly endless hallway, voice sickly sweet, with undertones of blatant annoyance, and disdain. “...Like, the depression thing. You’d only known Eridan for two months regardless, it was just… weird, really weird-”

“Let’s not bring them up.”

I found myself snapping at her instinctively, voice irritated and sharp, and she took a step back for a split second, before continuing to lead me down the hallway with a hum in response.

The tension surrounding the two of us was suddenly _very_ thick, almost suffocatingly thick, and I felt my head start to pound in time with the vibrations against the walls from the speakers — I quickly opened the door once we reached it, taking a step inside, and exhaling in relief the second I noticed all of our friends seated around and… casually talking, as if they had no idea of the tension. No, they definitely didn’t, and it was… probably something I made up, wasn’t it? Yeah… it was definitely just my anxiety, because once I took a seat on the empty bean-bag beside Karkat and John, the tension was entirely gone, as if I’d imagined it all. I didn’t care enough to look back at Feferi, instead focusing on their conversation as I tried to sit comfortably.

  
  


I squinted my eyes and furrowed my brows as I tried to pay attention, checking in mentally right in time to catch one of Karkat’s impassioned rampages, and John’s blatant denial.

“...I’m just fucking _saying,_ ‘Escaping The Mist’ is literally _nothing_ without Priscilla and Edmund falling in love at the end. It’s literally fucking perfect, she’s the fucking runaway princess and he’s the husky fucking thief that’s captured her and wanted to return her at first — it’s like, fucking _perfect,_ actually, they compliment eachother-”

“No, they do not! Priscilla is whiny and annoying, every time she came on screen all she’d do is talk about something entirely irrelevant or cry because she missed something from her palace — which, if she was that spoiled she shouldn’t have ran away, actually — and Edmund probably only liked her because she was pretty. The entire ‘Escaping The Mist’ series would’ve been better focusing on Edmund, like _how_ he became the anti-hero, how he started stealing from the palace-”

“Holy fucking shit, all Edmund did was try to be brave and hotshit, didn’t she literally save their asses during the waterfall scene? She’s a way better character than him-”

“You’re only saying that because you like how she looks. Let’s face it, he’s way cooler.”

“No, actually, she’s a fucking strong and independant woman, he was _lucky_ she even gave him a second glance in the town when they met-”

Suddenly, I remembered why I’d never agreed to watching a movie with Karkat, let alone a _romance_ movie. The conversation was… somewhat funny though, with Karkat practically blowing multiple blood vessels everytime John said something that went against his own opinion, which John seemed to do… a lot. I blinked lazily after a few moments, pressing my hand to my temple and exhaling as I leaned forward. One thing not so great about my cousin? He gave _everyone_ headaches.

Or, it was the smell coming from outside of the room, vaguely familiar… my suspicions were confirmed by Terezi, who poked her head up from where she was seated, and raised a brow above her glasses.

“Who’s smoking that?”

Feferi groaned in response, comically falling back onto her bed, as if the whole idea of it made her miserable. Or, she didn’t want it happening whatsoever. Either way, she sat up soon after, and spoke bitterly.

“Probably Meenah. Or one of her friends — I told her to not do that in the house-”

“Well, it’s pretty strong, maybe it’s just coming from outside?”

As if all on cue, everyone in the room suddenly started adding to the discussion towards this… odor, before Karkat finally spoke the loudest, and managed to surprise even me.

“Who fucking cares where it’s coming from? Get some for us.”

Of course, the room broke out into small voices of agreement. While the idea of smoking with friends sounded exciting once, it only worked to frustrate me, and I exhaled quietly from where I was seated before noticing everyone was distracted now, working up a plan to figure out… how exactly to get the weed. Amateurs. I took the opportunity to quickly stand up and walk out of the room, waiting in the hallway for a few seconds after to make sure nobody was calling out to me… and then walking off.

  
  


I sort of knew where I was going, for the most part. The hallway was long but narrow, no real room to get lost in it, though I almost wished it had some. It’d be easier to stand in a closet and let the time pass than to simply aimlessly walk away, and of course… nobody dissed the dude holed up in the bathroom to escape the toxic fumes. Still, that ran the risk of them coming across me and forcing me back into the room, and I wanted to avoid that all as much as humanly possible. So, I continued walking. I dug my hand into the pocket of my jeans, fishing out a pack of Malboros — I’d started going through them at an almost disgusting pace, but I couldn’t find it in me to be bothered — and a lighter as I reached the front door, and stepped outside, keeping the door unlocked behind me. Nobody was inside the house, and well — if I was locked out, it was easily an excuse to go back home. 

It was dark out now, and I wondered how much time had passed since I first arrived… it had to be around nine now, but the music blasting had no obvious intention of slowing down, and that only meant my growing headache would get much, much worse. 

  
  


Figures. 

  
  


I opened the pack, pulling out a cigarette and pressing it to my lips as I reached for the lighter to light it, and then shoved the box and lighter back in my pocket in time for me to grab the cigarette, pull it from my lips, and exhale from my nose. As… disgusting as it truly was, it was way too relaxing, and I could practically feel all of my tightened and taut nerves disappear with each exhale, and the sensation only strengthened with each other inhale. It was… disgustingly addictive. That was a great way to describe it, admittedly, but it sounded like poetry I disliked… too prim and proper, so I settled on ‘fucking stupid’ instead.

That was more fitting.

I pressed my lips as I continued, standing as though this was a dramatic movie, leaning against the wall solemnly. It was funny, how much _boredom_ I exhumed. It was almost a fashion statement, with what the height, and the dull and dark colors of my clothes. The cigarette was the cherry on top, and it was simply… laughable how embarrassingly pitiful I looked. This was… fucking embarrassing, wasn’t it? It was overwhelmingly embarrassing, my entire situation. What started as a simple depression over moving evolved into a depression over someone who’d left me, a vampire at that, and now it’d shifted into… this. Edgily smoking on the porch of a mansion, ignoring the party that took place behind me.

Really, what the fuck had happened to me? I couldn’t help but find myself smiling bitterly as I put the cigarette out against the pale siding of the house, and flicking the butt aside, aiming for the definitely painted grass that covered the front yard. They could pick it out, if they truly wanted to. It didn’t bother me either way.

I lit another, repeating my motions as I stood up and moved over to the iron fence that lined the porch, leaning against it, and looking ahead. The street lights were turned on now, and I quietly considered the idea of how easy it’d be to slip away, and drive off into the distance. I wouldn’t go home though, instead far… far away. Out of Forks, probably. I’d drive the truck as far as the gas could get me, before simply slamming it into whatever I could find. Whether I lived or died — that was beyond me — but the simple rush from the mere idea of escaping, running off, wrecking _something_ was overly intoxicating, and I found myself seriously considering it. It… wasn’t a bad plan, but I stored it away into my mental hard-drive in case something else came up where I’d actually need it. An escape plan where I’d get away and also possibly die was a massive win for both parties involved… well, _all_ parties involved, and once again, I found myself laughing at my sheer stupidity.

  
  


This time, I was not able to shake my head subtly.

  
  


“What’s so funny?”

Instead, a small voice spoke from behind me, and I instinctively jumped up, before turning to face it. Somehow, the person there was generally near my height, but Feferi was far shorter than me — no, this girl couldn’t possibly be Feferi. She had sharper, fancier glasses, and her hair pulled back into two thick braids that stopped right at her waist. She looked like Feferi, but… older. She had the same child-like eyes that were now morphed into a judging expression, and a longer nose, with tanner skin. She had thinner lips full of disdain, and I silently considered the possibility of my offending her with my laughter, before taking another drag from the cigarette as I glared down at her.

“Are you going to answer me, or just stand there like a freak?”

I furrowed my brows as if I was considering the two options very carefully, and she exhaled in annoyance before plucking the cigarette from my hands, and pulling it to her lips. She aggressively inhaled and I almost moved to brace her — but exhaled like a seasoned pro, crossing her arms so she was standing like an exhausted housewife.

“This is mine now, you’re in my house.”

Oh. So she was related to Feferi, then.

“You here for my sister? I’ve never seen you before is all, I’d definitely remember you if I had.”

She took another drag as she spoke, entirely fucking violating my cigarette between her overly glossed lips, and her golden jewlery moved loudly with every word she spoke.

“Uh, yeah. I’m one of her friends.”

“Senior?”

“Yeah.”

Now she was making a thoughtful expression, and I gulped in confusion at the implications it held. Still, I ignored the voice in my head yelling at me to let her down easy — instead leaning forward, and giving her a polite smile that bordered on interest. She didn’t react, eyes glazed over as she gave me a one-over every few seconds.

“You’re the one going to college, right?”

I found myself making conversation in a vain attempt to stop my brain from comparing her, but it was futile. Already from here, even between the smoke — her scent was irritably heavy, the type of perfume every girl in Seattle aggressively wore, and nothing like the lilacs I’d grown addicted to — she was different, and not truly my taste. I hadn’t had a taste before, but now it was dangerously specific, and unnerving. She wasn’t… ugly, no, she was actually pretty attractive, but at the same time, it just… wasn’t right. It wasn’t what I wanted… far from it in all actuality. 

“Yeah, I graduated last year, finally got around to applying to shit.”

“What are you majoring in?”

“...Fuck if I know, honestly. My mom insisted on business, so… business it is.”

“I… take it you’re not into business?”

She glared at me with the cigarette pressed between her lips as if I was born backwards, before finally laughing herself, and shaking her head as she walked forward, now standing closer to me.

“Hell fuck no. I fucking hate the shit with a damn passion, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t have gotten my shit paid. It’s… a compromise, or whatever the fuck.”

I smiled bitterly to myself, looking ahead as I pressed my hand to my mouth, and exhaled once more.

“I do know a bit about compromising.”

Meenah flicked her dead cigarette butt onto the fake, obnoxiously green grass with a frown, before turning to me, and giving me a smile with the ability to tear down walls, and overthrow kingdoms. For a moment, I wasn’t thinking about anything revolving around Eridan. They were a distant memory, and as she pulled me towards her bedroom with the same grin only growing stronger, I had all but entirely forgotten about Eridan, and their red hair.

* * *

She paused for a second against her door frame, hand reaching for the knob as she pulled my head from her neck for a single second, curious eyes gazing into mine.

“How old did you say you were?”

“Eighteen.”

“Ah, that’s not… that bad.”

“My birthday was in May.”

Her face shifted for a single second as I spoke with a grin, before she shook her head and moved to open the door with her hand behind her, and quickly ushering me in.

“Fuck, I’m going to hell.”

I pressed my face to her neck once more as I felt my heartbeat slow, and the bile that was resting comfortably against my stomach slowly creep towards my throat. I was grateful now for the scent I’d despised, the tacky and heavy alcohol with floral notes worked amazingly to distract myself, and make my head spin in disgust, but not absolute uneasiness. In between the motions and shuffling between us both, someone started playing the music on the tacky, purple and black stereo seated on her nightstand, and someone made the motions to pull off the clothes and unbutton her jeans, but I felt as though I was dizzy, and out of my head. I felt as though I was watching myself from a distance, examining my body’s behaviors even as I pressed my head to hers to _breathe_ her in, remind myself she was _real_ and _alive_ , willing and wanton — her skin was warm and pliable, soft and gentle where theirs wasn’t… her voice was light like bubblegum, not soft like silk and gentle like honey — it was wrong, all of it, but she wrapped her arms around my neck as I pressed closer to her, pulling me down into an intoxicating kiss as we intertwined… and for a second, everything was golden and perfect, and she was everything I’d ever wanted, pressed under me, open and _wanting_ me.

The heat was the part I found myself most interested in, the rush — the lust, the minutes of absolutely wanting each other, craving each other as though we’d been in love for years, as if we were absolute soulmates — and the way she pressed her lips against mine with each thrust suddenly solidified my point in it.

Then, there was ecstasy. The pressure in your gut boiled over, the string that was drawn tight snapped, and everything was feathers and light, heaven and angels — it was perfect, all of it as your head desperately spun, and your body remained grounded in reality. 

“That… was fucking good. Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

“My friends… are wondering where I am. I should go now. Thanks again.”

“Cool.”

* * *

The clarity… was my least favorite part. The sudden realization that hit both of us around the same time, but instead of panicking she simply fixed the hair I’d pulled out of place and pulled up the jeans I rutted up against… the jeans I desperately moved as if she were the reason to exist — and left the room without a second glance, and I was left rethinking every second, and even worse… _comparing_ every single second. It was the hardest part, and I almost wished the rush of it all would return — the instinctual hunger, the blindness and disdain for anything that wasn’t the heat, the ecstasy, what our bodies craved — It was a sick joke, the way our bodies worked. 

  
  


Still, I could not stay in her bed wishing it’d all come back, and really… I suddenly felt sick, and uncomfortable. I sat up, tossing aside the shitty excuse of rubber into the trash bin as I pulled my jeans up and fixed the button, reaching up to wipe off some of the gloss she’d stained my face with, and stepping over to her mirror to glance at myself one more time, before finally fixing my hair, and trying to ignore the lingering remnants of her scent that stuck to my jacket like glue.

I left her room quickly, half-expecting to make a great escape to my car, but instead Karkat was waiting for me outside, arms crossed, and eyes wide — in astonishment or disgust, I couldn’t tell.

“What… the fuck.”

I only blinked, feigning confusion, before looking behind me, and then shrugging casually. It was meaningless, after all.

“I’m going to go home.”

His expression didn’t falter, instead glaring at me once more, before rolling his eyes, and shaking his head.

“Honestly, whatever. Fucking cool. Goodnight.”

“Yeah.”

I gave up on formality, instead quickly turning away and rushing off to my car without a second glance back at the house, or any of the occupants. My head was full now, full of far too many things — all of them being Eridan. I’d almost wanted to hear them, to see me and ask me to stop — but that was ridiculous. Still, I couldn’t find myself regretting that pathetic fling. Relief was the strongest emotion in my body at that moment, though my head was another story. I got in my car and struggled to not think of mainly Eridan as I started the ignition and drove off, but remember them was all I could possibly do now. Still, I didn’t struggle to forget, despite my constant efforts to prevent that.

I worried that as I struggled to fall asleep — when the sleep deprivation would finally creep up, I’d have nothing to look back to. It was all slipping away. I worried strongly that my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise butterscotch color of their eyes, the feel of their alabaster skin, or the texture of their milk and honey-like voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.

Even between everyone I’d likely come across, or girls like Meenah that’d get me to forget it all for a second.

Remembering Eridan thoroughly was vital. 

There was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live… I had to know that they existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as they existed. Logically, that was why I was desperate to remain in Forks than I ever had been before, why I'd fought with Karkat when he suggested a change. Honestly, it shouldn't matter; no one was ever coming back here.

But if I were to go to Seattle, or anywhere else different and wrong, how could I be sure they were real? In a place where I could never imagine them, the conviction might fade… and that I could not live through.

  
  


Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.

  
  


I checked out mentally just as I pulled the car into the driveway — I hadn’t remembered any of the ride home, and yet… here I was. I stepped out and closed the car behind me, and climbed up the steps of the porch before entering the house. Nobody was awake, it seemed — so I made my way upstairs, and hurried to my room.

It was there that the emotions hit.

It wasn’t correlating to the sex, though… it also was. It was a crippling sensation, the pain creeping up silently until it finally reached the hole in my chest, but it was bearable. It was always uncomfortable and absolutely horrible, but it was bearable. All of it. It felt as though I was stripped bare, as if someone had exposed my most vital organs to the world — I felt empty, confused and disgusted with myself, but still… alive. I was sure I was alive because my lungs gasped for air within each lap of pain, and my heart beat frantically as it struggled to keep up with my lungs, and my brain. I felt numb… dead, even… but I was alive, and that was the most cruel part of it all. I pulled my knees to my chest as I laid on my side, and yet… through it all, I found that I could survive.

  
  


I was alert now, entirely, feeling everything deeply, and thoroughly. I could live through the laps of pain now, though they still stung. Going out, avoiding the world — even Meenah, was it? — hadn’t made the pain go away, no… I was just now strong enough to bear it, and survive it.

  
  


Whatever had happened tonight — whether it was the party, the friends, the sex, or the rush that came from it all — it’d woken me up from my lying in wait state. I wasn’t sure if I was grateful, or thoroughly repulsed.

  
  


For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning.

* * *

  
  



	21. Stitches

* * *

“Sollux, I appreciate you wanting to cover for me, but you should take some time off,” Karkat suggested as he stepped back behind the counter, reaching back to tie on his employee apron.

It’d been a hectic day — rush hour during the weekend, with the pre-holiday sales, but it’d finally slowed down a bit, in time for my assumed lunch break. I stared ahead blankly at the two remaining patrons in the store, and Karkat stood behind the counter, eyes focused off to the side, not really looking at me. I silently wondered how long it’d been since he’d decided eye contact was unnecessary, and chewed absentmindedly on a piece of jerky as I tried to listen to the conversation taking place — the customers were dedicated backpackers, and for the last hour I’d gone back and forth with them both, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of two brands of lightweight packs. 

However, they’d taken a break from the discussion for now, instead focused on trying to one-up each other with their latest tales from the trails. The entire conversation had given Karkat enough time to go out and help his dad with something and come back in time for my break — their current distraction gave us the freedom to switch positions, and… uniforms, apparently. Karkat snapped my name tag off of the apron, handing it to me as I lazily swiveled on the office chair. I took it without a thank-you, instead shoving it into my pocket, and taking a larger bite of the jerky.

“I don’t mind staying, honestly. Shit’ll just be boring either way.” I spoke casually between chews, actively putting effort into trying to force my voice to come out more… alive. It didn’t work, and in turn all the effort had caused my protective layer of numbness to wear down, leaving me exposed, and making my head feel as though it was made of cotton. “...’sides, I need to get my paycheck today.”

The conversation between the two men across the store was growing louder and becoming harder to tune out, which in turn added to the impending headache growing inside my skull. I groaned under my breath in a silent reply.

"I'm telling you," said the thickset man with the orange beard that didn't match his dark brown hair. "I've seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone, but they had nothing on this brute." His hair was matted, and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days. 

“Fresh from the mountains.”

"Not a chance. Black bears don't get that big. The grizzlies you saw were probably cubs." 

The second man was tall and lean, his face tanned and wind-whipped into an impressive leathery crust.

"Seriously, Sollux, as soon as these two give up, I'm closing the fucking place down," 

Karkat murmured silently towards me, and I would’ve felt more offended by his insistence to get me out had I not already grown annoyed with the situation. I gave a single last lack-luster spin on the office chair before standing up.

"Sure thing." 

"On all fours it was taller than you," the bearded man insisted while I gathered my things together. "Big as a house and pitch-black. I'm going to report it to the ranger here. People ought to be warned — this wasn't up on the mountain, mind you — this was only a few miles from the trailhead."

Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. 

"Let me guess — you were on your way in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?"

I zipped up my bag right as the men turned to Karkat, finishing the last of the jerky as I slung my bag over my shoulder, and grabbed the black coffee I’d left to cool on the counter. 

“Hey, uh, Karkat, right?” The bearded man was focusing on Karkat now, who only gave a nod in acknowledgement as I slipped out from behind the counter. "Say, have there been any warnings around here recently—about black bears?"

"No, sir. But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food correctly. Have you seen the new bear-safe canisters? They only weigh two pounds…"

* * *

  
  


The doors slid open to let me out into the rain. It didn’t bother me though, and instead I pulled the coffee to my mouth to take a seat as I unlocked my truck and took a seat inside, setting my bag aside on the passenger seat and exhaling cooly. The rain hammering the outside of the vehicle sounded strangely loud now — overly loud — and as I started the modern vehicle, I found myself missing the deafening drum of Karkat’s engine.

Still, I couldn’t find myself knowing… where exactly to even go. I didn’t want to go to an empty house now, after the events of last night being alone was… harder, and even then it did nothing to aid in stopping the nightmares. Of course, I was the type to have nightmares after a breakup…

Well, the term ‘nightmares’ gave it all far more credit than it deserved. It was the same exact dream, endlessly playing out over the span of four months… one hundred and twenty days. You’d think I’d have ought to get bored of it now, but even though I’d memorized it all, even though I _knew_ how the story of it ended, it only continued with no end. It only ended once I woke myself up with screaming. Silias stopped checking in after the fourth time, he already knew there was no intruder by then, nothing to defend me from… he’d grown used to it. Occasionally, no… well, after that, it was usually… regularly Karkat slipping into my room to press a wet rag to my forehead, and keep me distracted talking about his own life until I finally fell asleep. It was a nightly routine by now, but he never once pried, or asked about the dream. 

  
  


Even if he did — it wasn’t a dream someone else would find scary. There was no massive fear factor, no ‘boo!’ that made you take a step back and terrify your own self, no zombies… or psychopaths, or sobbing ladies hunched over a river waiting to drown you… there was nothing, really.

  
  


Only the endless maze of moss trees, with eerie silence filling my eardrums, drowning out all my senses with each step further into the maze… it was always dark, but still daylight. The light always poked through from the overhang, but it didn’t clear a path, or dance along the ground as though it should. No, the light only helped to show that there was nothing to see. I always took the step forward into the maddening descent with my right leg, and the left followed. It functioned as though it was clockwork now, and once the first step was taken… I began running. I hurried through the maze of gloom without a direction, without a path, without a _reason_ — I always felt more frantic the faster I began to go, the dizzier it all made me feel. The less I could hear, the less I could feel, the less I could breathe… 

Then, there came the point — and I could feel it looming over now, though I’d never been able to wake myself up before it hit prior — where I stopped, took a second to regather myself, and found that I simply _couldn’t_ remember what I was looking for. I’d realized there was nothing to search for, nothing to find, there was no recollection of any of it, as though what I’d been looking for simply never existed. There was… nothing.

There was only the dreary, darkening wood surrounding me, and the crows flying above, and nothing for me. Absolutely nothing for me… simply nothing. Nothing to find, nothing to chase or catch, utter… absence of everything that really mattered — life, love, agony and ecstasy — there was nothing.

  
  


That… was usually when the screaming started.

  
  


Snapping out of the thought process and avoiding the screaming was easier when you were awake. Still, I gripped onto the steering wheel instinctively, releasing my hold after a breath… and then another. I wasn’t sure where I was driving now, just idly wandering through the empty, wet roads as _Foo Fighters_ played from the radio… the music helped, in all honesty. I actively avoided all the paths that I was sure would take me home, though, that only left me with nowhere to go.

It was harder now to live through life without the numbness. I wanted the wall built up again, the lack of sensitivity and feeling, but I couldn’t remember how I’d managed it before, and there was no real helpful article on the situation online. The nightmare was nagging at the corners of my mind now, threatening to constantly creep upwards and penetrate my mind as I tried to focus on anything _but_ it. I didn’t want to think about the forest, the wood, the lack of moonlight and the wandering aimlessly for hours — even as I instinctively shuddered and tried my absolute damndest to push aside the images, my eyes still filled with tears, and I blinked harshly to try and clear my vision.

My head was apart from my body now, but my body had enough sense to drive onto the side of the road and stomp on the brake just as my chest began to tighten, and my stomach began to tighten into knots.

_‘It will be as if I'd never existed.’_

The words ran through my head. They were just words, soundless, like print on a page. Just words, but they ripped the wound right open once again, and for a second — I was positive I’d been disemboweled, and left to suffer in cold blood.

The aching started the last, creeping onto the corners of my chest… growing upwards to my throat as my muscles contracted in an attempt to calm myself, and I took one hand from the steering wheel to press it to my throat, right where my neck and collarbones connected, and pressed onto the skin as I tried to stimulate my airway into working properly again — my other hand ran to my torso, wrapping itself around it in an attempt to keep my seemingly shattered body together as I hunched over, and sobbed miserably.

  
  


I pressed my face onto the steering wheel, careful to not apply too much pressure, and tried to breathe with a lack of functioning lungs. 

  
  


This… wasn’t normal. It was ridiculous, childish naivety to believe this was a reasonable reaction to anything, and between my body’s mangled sobs, I wondered how much longer this would last. Distractions in the form of sex were useless, futile — I was sure they’d made the situation worse, as if God himself had decided to punish me for pulling that shit. Still, maybe… maybe months… possibly years from now, the pain would simply begin to fade. If it’d just decrease to where I could even begin to tolerate it — if it was just bearable — I’d accept it entirely, and take it thankfully. 

I’d be able to think clearly of the situation, and be grateful of the short months Eridan had given me — more than I deserved, in all honesty. Maybe, hopefully… I’d be able to see it in that way. 

However… that was far too optimistic. I’d had the best months of my life selfishly ripped from me, I’d been sliced in half… blinded and torn into pieces and left for dead… without a care. It was more logical to assume this would simply… never get better. I’d never reacted to a breakup to this extent beforehand, so what if the damage… was simply irreversible? The hole would never heal, it’d instead become a dam triggered by even the slightest mention of the color gold, or… alternatively, I’d heal in a sense… but remain reminiscent of the months we shared. I’d grow old, and never move on. It wasn’t fair, either choice I was given. 

I clenched my torso tighter, in a desperate bid to keep myself together. 

...As if they’d never existed! It was a ridiculous promise to make, something only one with a flair for the dramatic that parallel Eridan’s could even attempt to make. They could steal my photographs in a petty manner, leave their gifts under my name without a return address, close all their family emails and change their names so I wouldn’t be able to find their school in California — and it still wouldn’t put things back to the way they were before I’d met them. Not even an inch closer.

The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of it all, it was nonexistent in this equation. It was a silly promise, the one Eridan had made. I’d changed far too much in these six months to even attempt to make it seem as though they weren’t there.

I was changed, my brain altered and wired beyond recognition — and even aside from internally, I’d sacrificed everything that once made me look as though I was _me,_ as a direct result of their actions. As a result of this all. My face was sallow, jaw jutting out sharply now in a manner that’d put theirs to shame — my once healthy complexion was a disgustingly cool pallor, pale except for the dark circles the nightmares and lack of sleep as a whole had left under my eyes. Even my eyes were dark enough against my pale, colorless skin where — if I was beautiful, I could likely pass for a vampire.

I… however, was not beautiful. Compared to Eridan and the rest of the Maryams’, I likely looked as though I was a zombie.

As if they’d never existed? That was absolute insanity. It was a promise they could never keep, even with all the precautions they’d taken — it was a promise that was broken entirely the moment they’d made it. I thought bitterly of the situation as I raised a hand to wipe at my semi-dry eyes now, pinching my temples, and exhaling once.

Then, I thumped my head against the steering wheel in an attempt to clear my head, and distract myself from the sharp pain that remained against my chest.

This entire situation only worked to make me feel less guilty for not holding up my end of the agreement — don’t do anything reckless — but, every treaty was void the moment any party broke a rule pertaining to the agreement. Eridan promised a side to the agreement they’d never be able to uphold, unless they’d possessed the ability to time travel. The treaty was void from the beginning… where was the logic in sticking to an agreement that’d already been battered and pissed on by the other party? Besides, above it all… why wouldn’t I get to be stupid? Eridan’s word wasn’t law, and I had no reason to lock myself away and ignore the world and the chance to _live_ simply because they were once worried I’d hurt myself. Who… really cared if I was stupid? I was an adult now, legally at least… and it was always my choice.

I pinched my temples once more, and chuckled dryly.

There was no reason I, Sollux Captor, did not get to be stupid, and absolutely reckless. Holding that against me was like holding an addict’s rage in a sober stupor against them, it was practically abuse.

Recklessness in Forks — in Seattle, I’d understand the concern — now there was an absolutely hopeless proposition. Still, with the lack of reckless scenarios available, I was positive I’d find at least two to distract myself with.

  
  


The dark humor worked to distract me, and calm myself down. The distractions took my mind off the pain long enough to dry my tears and wipe at my face with the sleeve of my sweater, and taking my mind off the pain managed to restore my ability to breathe properly. I sat up from my hunched position, and instead leaned back against the seat as I raised a hand to my damp forehead, and groaned audibly. Though it was cold in Forks, nearing winter — my skin was damp with sweat. How pathetic. I wiped at my forehead lazily as I concentrated on my self proclaimed hopeless proposition with growing curiosity — to be reckless in Forks took far too much creativity, admittedly maybe more than I had.

Still, I wished I could find some way to manage it. It’d all be easier then, and maybe it’d sever ties. I’d feel better if I wasn’t holding onto lost hope, desperately being the only one clinging to a lost pact. However… how could I ever possibly begin to cheat my side of the deal in this little miserable, alien green, leafy, and… harmless town? Well, no — Forks wasn’t entirely harmless, or well… it used to have an ounce of excitement to it. Now it was exactly what it appeared to be, and what I’d always dreaded. It was dull, and safe.

  
  


I stared out the windshield for a long moment, gnawing on my lip anxiously before I cut the radio, and then the engine. I took a step into the drizzling rain, pulling the hood of my sweater upwards and stood still as the cold water dripped onto my face and fell down my cheeks as though it was freshwater tears… it helped to clear my head, and I kept my head turned upwards for a minute or two before looking across, and raising a brow towards the street sign.

After a minute of staring, I recognized where I was. I'd parked in the middle of the north lane of Russell Avenue. I was standing in front of the Nitram’s house — my truck was blocking their driveway — and across the road lived the Serket’s. I admittedly knew I needed to move my truck, and that I really… should just go home. It was wrong to drive off the way I had, distracted and impaired, a menace on the roads of Forks.

Besides, someone would just notice soon enough, and report me to either my aunt, or uncle. I’d likely get scolded, have my license revoked… and whatever horrors awaited the crime of not paying attention while driving. How _terrifying._

I took a breath to prepare myself for driving home, and in that very moment of standing straight, a sign in the Nitram’s front yard caught my interest. I quirked a brow as I took a step closer, staring at it curiously. It was a single cardboard square leaning against their mailbox with capital letters scrawled onto it.

  
  


Sometimes… shit happens that makes you seriously consider joining a religion and having faith.

  
  


Coincidence? Or was it likely just the result of moving to a town overly populated with hicks? Either way, it was easier to shrug my shoulders and believe that the pair of rusted and dilapidated motorcycles sitting in the front of the Nitram’s front yard, beside the ‘FOR SALE’ sign were meant for me. It was far easier than realizing there were just way too many forms of recklessness in the world, even in little mundane towns, and I’d just opened my eyes to them all.

‘Reckless and stupid’. Those were the two very favorite words my uncle used to apply to motorcycles. His job didn't get a lot of action compared to cops in bigger towns, but he did get called in on traffic accidents. With the long, wet stretches of freeway twisting and turning through the forest, blind corner after blind corner, there was no shortage of that kind of action. However, even with all the huge log-haulers barreling around the turns, mostly people walked away. 

The exceptions to that rule were often on motorcycles, and he'd seen one too many victims, almost always kids, smeared on the highway. He'd made us all promise before I was ten, seated on a boat in the middle of a lake, that I would never accept a ride on a motorcycle… or own one, for that matter.

I’d broken the first half to that promise in the tenth grade, and here I was, absolutely disintegrating the second portion. I’d always been one for stupid recklessness, and breaking promises for that exact matter. Moving to Forks — meeting Eridan changed that, and I swallowed dryly as I pursed my lips, and eyed the two bikes. Why stop at one?

  
  


That’s as far as I thought it through. I walked up the driveway to the Nitram’s front door, ignoring the sloshing in my boots from the rain, and didn’t hesitate once more before ringing the bell. Tavros opened the door within a minute, outfit and expression definitely indicating he’d just woken up, and he did a double take before blinking once, and raising an eyebrow.

“...Sollux?”

“How much for the bike?” 

I spoke casually, jerking my thumb towards the back at my, to the sign. His eyes widened at that.

“Are you… serious?”

“Yeah.”

“They… don’t even work.”

I sighed impatiently, already having figured just as much from the fact that they’d been propped outside, and left to rot. It didn’t concern me.

“That’s fine.”

“Uh…” He hesitated for a second, before shrugging. “...if you want a bike… just take it. My mom forced me to… leave them out there for them to be picked up with the trash.”

I turned to the bikes for a moment, and suddenly realized they’d been resting over a pile of yard clippings, and dead branches. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any bags of garbage, or anything seemingly disgusting.

“Great.”

“You… want me to help you?” Tavros wiped at his eye, taking a step outside and closing the door behind him. “They’re… kind of heavy.”

"Uh… sure. I only need one, though."

"Might as well... take both," He suggested as we began walking down the driveway. "Maybe... you could scavenge some parts."

He followed me out into the downpour and helped me load both of the heavy bikes into the back of my truck. He seemed eager to be rid of them, so I didn't argue.

"What... are you going to do with them, anyway?" he asked. "They haven't worked... in years."

"I kind of guessed that," I said, shrugging casually. The hard part was over now. My spur-of-the-moment whim hadn't come with a plan intact, and now I was doomed to consider the rest of it thoroughly, and go absolutely insane obsessing over the details. Maybe, I’d switch a class for some form of mechanics. Still, Tavros was looking at me expectantly, so I gave the single most standard answer I could form. "...Maybe I'll take them to Strider’s."

He snorted. "Strider... would way charge more to fix them than they'd be worth running."

I couldn't argue with that. Dirk Strider — Dave’s older brother, a hotshot mechanic fresh from Texas — had earned a reputation for his pricing; no one went to him except in an emergency, or they simply were paying for the eye candy. Most people preferred to make the drive up to Port Angeles, if their car was able. I’d been lucky enough to have scored the brand new truck with the included package of emotional trauma… but Karkat had bought his truck… second, no, forth-hand and had no real issues with it aside from the deafening engine and fifty miles per hour limit. Horuss Zahhak had moved away already, but had kept it in great shape for Karkat when he was around…

Inspiration hit like a lightning bolt. I found myself propping a smirk at the terminology — not bad, with what the storm.

“You know what, actually? I know a dude that’s good with mechanical shit.”

“Oh, that’s… good. Have fun with them.”

Tavros smiled and waved out as I pulled out of the driveway, and I found myself smiling as well. Friendly kid. 

  
  


Then, after the momentarily second of positive feelings directed to another living and breathing being, I shook my head, and turned right at the stop sign. The moment of happiness felt strange, out of character. So did the sudden rush of adrenaline through my veins at the possibility of what I was planning actually going off without a hitch — my conscience threatened to argue with me, remind my brain that using a younger kid to build my two-wheeled death machines wasn’t such a great idea — but of course, it all worked out so well, and maybe I’d have a genuine friend that wasn’t blood related as a result.

I drove quickly now, purposefully speeding through whatever lights I passed by, not caring about the wet roads, or the chance I had of getting pulled over. I wanted to be home before there was a chance of anyone else being there, especially my uncle, or Nepeta. It felt as though I was committing some top-secret crime, and logically, I was. I parked on the road and hopped off of the truck, not bothering to lock it. Instead, I closed the door behind myself and walked up the driveway, onto the porch, and opened the door. I rushed through the house to the phone placed onto the kitchen wall, picking it up and dialing a number scrawled on the calendar beside it whilst fiddling with the wire connected to it all.

I bit my lip as I waited, my keys still in hand, and jumped upwards once a voice finally answered. Nepeta sounded groggy, yet still concerned, quickly answering the phone with a sudden “what’s wrong?”. I blinked once before exhaling, and shrugging to myself.

“I can’t just call you without there being an emergency?”

She was quiet for a second before huffing audibly, and then exhaling herself.

“Mom only calls from here if there’s an emergency. What do you want? I’m at a game right now.”

Fuck. I considered my next moves carefully on the imaginary chess table that was my brain, closely predicting her response to anything half-suspicious that I might say. Finally, I settled on simply… being casual.

“Oh. Is Equius with you there? I wanted directions to his place-”

“No, he’s not… why do you want to go there?”

Honesty was quickly out of the cards here. Mentioning any of my plans would likely only work to provoke her, and she’d likely tell her father what I was up to — I shoved my hand with the keys into the pocket of my jacket, and leaned backwards in an attempt to calm myself. It didn’t really work, but it helped my tone of voice, at the very least.

“I wanted to see him, I haven’t really hung out with anyone in months. I... need new friends.”

I feigned an exaggerated sigh after my words, as though I was emotionally exhausted based off of that fact alone, and Nepeta hummed in response, before finally speaking again. Her voice was much happier, and I felt myself instinctively smiling at them.

“That’s… actually a great idea, uh, do you have a pen and paper?”

I kept the phone to my ear as I searched the drawers of the counters, before finally finding some sticky-notes and a pen, and writing down the directions she had given me. They were simple — easy to remember, but I still wanted them written just in case. I told her I’d be back for dinner in case her parents or Karkat asked, but she tried convincing me to stay longer, as she wanted to join us in La Push. I wasn’t having any of it, instead promising I’d only be there for two or three hours — the usual length of her games.

  
  


I exited the house quickly, locking the door behind myself and reminding myself of the deadline I had given myself as I sat in the truck and started the ignition once more. I took a sip of the now ice cold coffee sitting idle in the cupholders, not bothering to cringe anymore at the bitter flavor, as it was almost… somehow comforting. It also just tasted much better when it wasn’t burning my tongue. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel as I stared ahead, before finally setting the car out of park and starting to drive. I’d have to find a way to get Equius alone… his father would definitely see through me, and I wasn’t sure I had the charisma to test it out otherwise. 

Gnawing at the inside of my cheek anxiously, I drove through the now darkening streets quickly, wondering how exactly I’d slip past his dad. As well… as the possibility of Equius not agreeing, and snitching me out instead. I tried to ignore Nepeta’s obvious reaction to this entire situation… this’d all worked out far too well for her liking, and I held back from thumping my head against the steering wheel as I drove. Her pleasure and possible — no, certain — relief only reminded me of the agony I was merely keeping at bay, and I turned the volume on the radio higher up as I drove, trying my best to distract myself from it all.

It wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped, but I kept myself together by reminding myself how _dramatic_ it’d be to show up in the dark while it was raining full of big, fat tears, and that calmed me down a bit more. I hoped Nepeta would keep the phone call to herself, and not tell my uncle — he’d likely be elated at the news, but then pry deeper into it all — and as I pulled into the Zahhak’s driveway I silently pleaded to whatever was above to prevent… all of the above from happening. 

I was absolutely exhausted, and utterly spent. I simply wanted a break, or… seemingly, a rush.

  
  


Equius poked his head through the window, behind the curtain, before I’d even reached to cut the ignition, and I wondered curiously if the lights had tipped him off, or the familiar car. I was certain he’d seen the truck parked in our driveway when he came over to visit Nepeta, and as I stepped out of the car, he was already out the front door.

The Zahhak house was strangely familiar, and somewhat… cozy. The wood panelling covering the outside was painted a dull, faded blue, the white accents separating the door and narrow windows giving it a barn-like appearance.

I closed the truck behind me, locking it shut, and then turning and taking a single step forward. Equius was already beside me, having caught up by the time I was done examining his house, and I was distracted for a single second at the sheer contrast of his bright teeth to his bronze colored skin. His polite and seemingly _happy_ grin stretched across his face, the subtle lines of strong bone-structure poking through, and I quickly noticed how much he’d matured in the few months I’d been gone from the world.

“Sollux! Hello,” He spoke in a monotone voice while he ran a hand through his hair, pulling it out of his face. I hadn’t noticed how much his hair had grown either, the long black satin framing his face like a curtain, and it definitely fell past his waist.

“Hi…”

I spoke awkwardly, finding myself having to sort of _look up_ to him, which caught me by surprise. I hadn’t really met anyone taller than me, and Equius was only… what, fifteen? He’d certainly grown into some of his potential, jaw widening outwards and connecting to his cheekbones, the prominent face shape jutting out as would a male supermodel’s when he spoke. His brown eyes remained gentle, framed by well-groomed eyebrows. He’d definitely passed the point between tween and teenager; the tendons and veins in his arms and hands were far more prominent, and visible against the skin. I found myself smiling at him — to my surprise, I was happy to see him.

“Hi, Equius.”

I finished my sentence with a far happier tone, practically relieved. It was easier to talk to him now it seemed, as he didn’t look as though I was babysitting him. Still, I felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm at his now close-mouthed smile, something that made my stomach half flip. I considered leaving then — a bit confused, but shook my head, and raised my hand to run it through my hair. I looked up and smiled back at him, the knowledge of the situation finally effectively slapping me right in the face, and I wasn’t against it all. I seemed to really enjoy Equius Zahhak’s company. There were worse things in the world to worry about.

“You… grew!”

I spoke in an accusatory tone, half chuckling at the end of it, ignoring the strangeness of once again… having to _look up_ to someone. Even if it was by a single centimeter, it was weird. He laughed in response, his smile widening as though he was waiting for someone to point it out before shrugging, and crossing his arms, standing in an almost ‘proud’ stance.

“Six five,”

He spoke with self satisfaction, and I settled knowing it was only an inch taller than myself. Still, I eyed him curiously through my glasses — even his voice was deeper, though still reminiscent of the husky tone he’d possessed. Just… far more mature.

“Is it ever going to stop? Like… how _old_ are you even?”

“Still sixteen,” He responded bitterly, and I widened my eyes at that, before shaking my head. “Still a beanpole, however.”

“You’ll fill in eventually.”

I reassured him as he led me to the front door, reaching in his pocket while he spoke and taking out a clip — he twisted his hair between his hands before twisting that into a bun shape, and clipping it back onto his scalp. I was half-mesmerized by the simple action, suddenly a little jealous.

He opened the front door and we both ducked under, and I followed as he led me to the living room, calling out for his dad as he entered the cut off section of the house. His father perked up at his greeting, fixing his glasses and setting his book aside before smiling upwards at me, and speaking himself.

“Hello, Sollux — what brings you here?”

“I…” I paused awkwardly, trying to figure out what exactly to say, before shrugging, and shoving both my hands into my pockets as I furrowed my brows, and then shook my head. “...I wanted to hang out with Equius. We haven’t seen each other in months.”

I could see Equius’s smile grow at my words, and compared to his usual polite expression, his current one made me half-worry for the state of his cheekbones. His dad didn’t notice, instead mirroring his own son’s expression as he continued looking towards me.

“Will you stay for dinner?” He was eager as well, and I felt myself half-blush in uncertainty. On one hand, I definitely could… “We can invite the rest of your family as well, there may be a game tonight…” My face definitely warmed up at his words then, and I shook my head awkwardly, suppressing a bout of nervous laughter.

“No, no that’s not necessary, we can always hang out later — besides, I have a project to work on tonight,” I paused for a split second, looking at my feet to try and hide my discomfort. “...for school.”

Daniel simply chuckled in response, before shaking his head at my reaction. “Okay, maybe next time son.”

“Sollux, what did you want to do..?”

Equius’s voice from behind me somewhat surprised me, and I turned to him with a confused expression, before finding myself speechless for once, and only shrugging. I was strangely comfortable here, despite the lack of familiarity. It held no memories to the past, only warm colors and a welcoming demeanor. 

“Whatever, honestly. What were you doing before I showed up?”

Equius’s eyes widened, and he hesitated, before looking down in an almost shameful expression. 

"I was just heading out to work on my car, but we can do something else…"

Huh, maybe destiny _was_ a thing. I shook my head. 

"No, that's perfect!" I interrupted. "I'd love to see your car."

"Okay," he said, not convinced… still definitely embarrassed, and I wondered why. "It's out back, in the garage."

This was all working out far too well — I turned to his dad and waved, mumbling out a ‘bye’ as we exited the house, and closed the door behind us. It was still raining, albeit a little weaker than before.

  
  


A thick stream of trees covered the garage from the rest of the house, and the garage itself was no bigger than a few large work sheds. The closer we got to it, the more I realized that’s exactly what it was, except the walls had been torn down for the most part, and the exterior ones were all welded together. Under the shelter, illuminated by a single work lamp, I could see an almost finished car sitting right in the middle of it all — I looked closely, able to somewhat recognize the symbol on the grille, at least. 

“What type of Volkswagon is that?”

Somehow, the most surprising part of this all to me was the fact that I was somehow talking cars with another guy. It was almost ridiculous… but, stranger things happened every day it seemed.

“This one is an older rabbit model… er, nineteen eighty-six, a classic.”

“Ah.” I nodded in agreement, acting as though I knew what he meant. It was still an attractive car, though. “How’s it going?”

“Almost finished, actually.” He spoke cheerfully, seemingly proud of his project, and I was sure I’d feel the same if I’d managed to fix a car. Then, his face fell into a frown, but he wiped it off almost immediately. He remained quiet for a few seconds, before finally speaking once more. “...However, I take it you aren’t here to discuss merely cars.”

Ah, he was good then. I didn’t bother shrugging or acting as though he was wrong, instead swallowing and looking at the car once more, before turning my face to his again.

“You’d be right… sort of. Do you know anything about motorcycles?”

“Not much, admittedly… my friend Zebruh has a dirt bike we work on together — or well, I work on it and he pays me. It’s how I paid for the parts of the Volkswagon — anyways, why are you asking?”

“Well…” I pursed my lips together as I paused, genuinely considering whether or not he was trustworthy to tell this to. Of course, I could always blow all of my savings onto fixing a pair of bikes I had no idea how to ride, and well… if Equius had already some amount of experience with the concept, he was bound to be able to ride them as well — I didn’t have many more options. I shrugged, and continued to speak. “...a friend gave me a pair, they’re… kind of fucked, but I figured if anyone could get them running, it’d be you.”

I spoke honestly, and his face practically glowed at the subtle compliment.

“However, there is one condition.”

“Of course.”

“You can’t tell Nepeta… or Silias. Any of them. Even your dad, actually.”

He furrowed his brows curiously before shrugging himself, and giving an honest face.

“You have my word.”

I smiled in relief, somehow easily trusting him based off of his expression alone. It was hard to not like Equius, even with his unnerving vocabulary. He was… nice to be around, an easy distraction from the outside world. Why hadn’t we hung out more before this?

“Cool, I’ll pay you-”

He interrupted me then, seemingly offended by my simple suggestion, and he removed his hands from his own pockets to cross his arms instead as he seemed to calculate the cost of everything in his head. 

“No, no, I want to help. Nepeta is family to me, and you’re her family, so that… makes us family, I suppose. It’s not right to charge family.”

I couldn’t argue against his logic, though it did make me feel lucky in a way. Included, almost. That was strange for me nowadays.

“Thankth… but, how about a trade, then?” I was making up words that seemed to somewhat string along as I went, not wanting to depend on Equius financially as well to support my vendetta. It made me feel like a burden, and that was something I wasn’t very… into. “...I only need a bike, and well, lessons too, so… you give me that, and you can keep the other one.”

“Huh, that is rather reasonable. You have a deal then.” 

He smiled once more, holding out his hand politely, and I took it. We shook on the deal, and once he pulled away he narrowed his eyes towards me in a knowing expression. I raised a brow towards him curiously and he caught on, before speaking.

“Think of this… as your birthday gift. My apologies as well, I missed it-”

“Nah, it’s cool.” I interrupted him almost immediately, not wanting the sudden pit of reality to settle in my stomach once more, not when I felt so light and buoyant, and admittedly… happy. “Thanks, though… when is your birthday?”

“December eighth, it’s coming up pretty soon.”

“Well, think of the other bike as your gift from me then.”

His eyes sparkled at my words, and I suddenly felt a little uneasy. I’d have to reign in some of the enthusiasm… for his sake, at least. It’d just been a while since I’d had a decent conversation with someone that was still breathing, is all. 

“So,” Equius clapped his hands together to cut out the sudden awkward silence, before rubbing them together, and looking at me curiously. “When will you bring them over?”

“Uh,” I started, biting at my lip anxiously before exhaling, and shrugging. “...they’re in my truck now.” I admitted sheepishly, but somehow, Equius’s reaction to that was positive, and almost relieved. 

“That’s actually great.”

“But, uh, won’t you dad see us if we bring them around?”

“We’ll be discreet, don’t worry.”

“...Okay.”

  
  


He led the way, and we stuck to the trees before waltzing casually past the windows, Equius occasionally checking to the side to see if anyone was looking out of them — so far, so clear. We imitated a casual stroll before rushing over to the bed of the truck and unloading the bikes one by one. It was easy to wheel them back to the garage now that the coast was clear, though the bikes were decently heavy, and it was half unsettling to see Equius have no problem lifting them whatsoever. Once we were back in the garage with the bikes in tow he gave them a single look before letting out a low whistle, and kneeling over to examine the one I was propping up.

“These surprisingly aren’t that bad, nice find.” He prodded at a part of it with his hand, seemingly wiping some of the gunk off the front of it. “...Yup, this one is an older Harley Sprint, it’ll definitely be worth something once we finish.”

The approval made me feel a little better about my whim, and I looked down at the bike, squinting my eyes at it for a second, before not caring that much about it.

“That one can be yours, then.”

“You’re sure?” Equius seemed surprised by my suggestion but didn’t question it once I nodded in response, instead examining the bikes once more, and then standing up fully once he seemed about done. He was definitely up to the task, that much I could definitely tell, but his expression signalled there was an issue. “These are… going to take some money, however. We’ll have to save u-”

“Nah,” I started, looking down at the bikes myself, and then back at him. “You handle the fixing, and I’ll buy whatever we need.”

“That’s awfully kind…” 

He admitted sheepishly, now fiddling with a loose, long strand of hair, almost considering what I was saying. I shook my head at his nervousness, and spoke once more.

“It’s the least I could do, honestly. You’re doing me a real fucking solid right now, besides, I have a ton of extra college money I could spare.”

That was a lie, however. The college part… at least. I’d never bothered checking in for the responses for the colleges Eridan had submitted applications to — _College, schmollege —_ I thought to myself of the entire situation, but I could definitely spare some of my work savings for something that could… eventually serve as an investment, I supposed. At the very least, Equius’s time seemed worth the money, as well as the prospect of my own, functioning motorcycle without getting my own elbows greasy.

Equius nodded at my words, definitely eager enough to where my nonsensical reasoning was perfectly sound to him. Somehow, I felt totally thankful for his existence at this moment. 

  
  


“Well, let’s get started.”

  
  


Then, he rubbed his hands together once more, a grin plastered on his face before wheeling his bike to the back of the shed, and taking a seat beside it. I followed instinctively, propping mine against the wall as I scooted a chair beside him, eyeing down his steps to take apart what seemed to be the engine curiously.

I contemplated my luck quietly as he rambled endlessly about the different parts to the bike and what exactly was wrong with it, nodding along and making mental notes of it all — only a teenage boy would agree to this, I mused quietly. We were deceiving both our families, taking money from my ‘education’ fund to build two-wheeled death machines, and Equius had no real qualms about the situation. It made total perfect sense to him. He was totally a fucking gift from the gods.

* * *


	22. Ides of October

* * *

In what seemed to be a silent form of what my cousins would call a ‘blessing’, the motorcycles didn’t need to be hidden further than simply placing them in Equius’s amalgamation of a shed. His father couldn’t maneuver the uneven levels of ground with his wheelchair, and chances were he actively trusted his son. 

Equius started pulling the first bike — the blue one that was destined for him — to pieces immediately, and I cringed at just how easily it seemed to fall apart. I sat comfortably on the chair I’d dragged to his side, acting as though I was focused on what he was doing in a learning manner. While he was working, Equius chatted happily, really needing only the swiftest ‘hms’ and shrugs from me to continue. It seemed that mechanical business was his forte, and definitely his happy place. It was a good idea to bring him these, then. He spoke about his progress in his junior year of school, rambling on about the state of his grades, and the teachers he disliked the most. I listened idly, half zoned out as he spoke of his two best friends — aside from my cousin.

“Zebruh and… Galekh?” I interrupted suddenly, furrowing my eyebrows as I tried to figure out how to exactly spell the names. “I… thought my name was bad.”

Equius chuckled at that, obviously amused, but quickly caught and composed himself. He cleared his throat, and then shrugged casually.   
  


“Well, I don’t believe anyone named… Sollux is in any position to judge, are they?” He quipped as he reached for a rag, and brought it to his brows, wiping at the skin. “Zebruh’s father was a zookeeper, and Galekh’s parents were fascinated by the hebrew language… at least they have a backstory for it.”

I found myself laughing as well, shaking my head as I tried to remember where my name had come from — Karkat was named after his parents ran over a car on the way to the delivery room and saw it as a sign, Nepeta was named in order to continue the ‘cat’ theme — my parents knew a bit of latin back when they were in college, so my name had more… thought put into it, if you will.

“Actually, my last name stands for ‘catcher’ in latin, so my parents decided Sollux… ‘sunlight catcher’, get it?” I chuckled bitterly at the irony, and Equius nodded knowingly at my words as he wiped at his neck. “...They still named my brother Mituna, though.” I shrugged, as if that made my own name any better.

“Well,” Equius pursed his lip as he set the towel down onto his lip, and raised his brows curiously. “That’s funny, Mituna is more of a girl name, it means… ‘fish wrapped in leaves’, or something.”

“Huh. Maybe they got confused.”

“Maybe.”

  
  


We sat quietly as I gnawed at the inside of my cheek anxiously, and Equius prodded at the bike. Smalltalk was… great, wasn’t it? I suddenly wished I had somewhere to thump my head, or headphones — I pursed my lips, swallowing to ease my dry throat, and raised a hand to my hair as I considered what exactly to say next.

“So,” I started, making up this new conversation as I went. “Galekh and Zebruh, they’re good friends, huh?”

Equius nodded in agreement, no longer taking his head from the bike. Still, a smile was painting on the corners of his cheeks, and I found myself smiling as well, almost to instinctively match it. Strange.

“They’re pretty good friends, just… they fight dirty if you start on their names — they'll tag team you.”

“Oh, defensive of being named after a zebra, are we?”

He chuckled at that now, and I laughed as well, hunching over to try and get a better vision of what exactly he was doing. His fingers were prodding towards pieces of the engine, now loosening it in an attempt to take it off, and I blinked curiously at the towel he’d rested over his shoulder. I opened a mouth to ask about it, and just then, a voice echoed from the entrance of the shed.

“Equius?”

It was someone shouting, and I ducked my head under in instinct to glare at Equius, who was blushing lightly from the corners of his cheeks.

“Ith that your dad?”

“No,” he shook his head, and I blinked curiously before he finally rolled his eyes, and brought his hand upwards to pinch his temples. “Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear.”

“Equius, are you out here?”

The voice shouted once more, and Equius stood upwards now. He brought the towel on his shoulder to his face, wiping at it idly, before finally slinging it back onto his shoulder, and motioning for me to stand up too. I followed his direction quickly, anxiously wiping at my jeans as he looked up to his friends.

“Yeah!”

I exhaled quietly, suddenly regretting this just a little more — I hadn’t wanted anyone I needed to give an introduction to nearby, I’d seen how great  _ that _ chain of events had turned out with Meenah — I brought my lips together to a thin line, and we both waited the short amount of seconds for his friends to enter the shed, and make their way to us.

  
  


Finally, two dark-skinned boys — taller than me, for sure — strolled their way from the corner of the entrance of the shed, and I felt… even more awkward than before. Was this how every single short person felt? It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. One boy was slender, taller than even Equius, with his curly long black hair pulled into a bun at the nape of his neck. He wore a casual black button up shirt with blue-framed glasses, and kept his expression monotone — almost judging. I felt embarrassed in his presence. His brown eyes were deepset, serious, but the long lashes surrounding them gave him a touch of childish softness that made him more approachable.

The shorter one, though he was taller than me and Equius, had a more dopey expression… that of one of the stoners I’d been friends with back at home. His smile was far more casual than the first one though, and his attire as well. His hair was also styled; pulled into a low ponytail, and he wore a simple white t-shirt with blue, tattered and stained jeans. This one seemed to be the more approachable one of the two, though out of the three, Equius instantly won that competition. 

The first boy — the serious one — glanced at me once, but didn’t return it again. The second boy glanced swiftly between me and Equius before subtly raising his eyebrows, and then relaxing them once more. I cringed internally when the serious boy finally returned his eyes on me after examining Equius, not caring so much for the knowing smile that suddenly overtook his face. I shifted uncomfortably, considering taking this as an opportunity to head home, but Equius finally took incentive and took a step ahead of me.

“Hi, guys,” He greeted them sheepishly, and I exhaled through my nose as I looked ahead.

“Hey, Equius,” the shorter one started, never removing his eyes from mine as I tried my absolute best to ignore it. Finally, I found myself looking towards him awkwardly, and offering him a tight yet polite smile. He was pleased by that, and used it as a chance to finally speak to me. “Hi, there.”

Equius either ignored my struggling, or simply tried to move past it as he stepped between me and the strange boy.

“Zebruh, Galekh, this is my friend — Sollux.” 

He emphasized the word friend, and I felt my stomach somewhat twist in response to that. I swallowed sharply as the boys gave each other loaded looks… was it hot in here? My head felt heavy, and as if it were submerged in water. I felt as though I was a wet cotton swab, and I suddenly wanted to go home. Home sounded like a great option right now.

“Nep’s cousin, right?” The dopey one spoke now, seemingly noticing my discomfort, and offering me a hand. “...They all kind of look the same, then.”

I gave my hand, ignoring his comparison of my cousin and I — we’d gotten that a lot, Nepeta and I looked more like siblings than she and Karkat did — and shook his hand swiftly. I tried to ignore looking at his arm, and how blatantly obvious he was with flexing his bicep. Still, his grasp was firm to someone like me, who had noodle-like arms. “...That’d be me, yeah.”

“I’m Zebruh Codakk,” He announced grandly with a wide smile, and I instinctively shivered at the mouth of pure-white teeth glaring towards me. Did Equius and his friends worship teeth whitener..? I thought curiously, but I was suddenly distracted once again by the other one, who opened his mouth once Zebruh released my hand.

“Hello, Sollux. I’m Galekh — Galekh Xigisi, though… you probably already figured that out.”

Galekh — that’s how you pronounce it, then — raised his hand to wave at me shyly with a genuine smile compared to Zebruh’s, and I instantly felt more at ease towards him. I waved back, and he smiled once more before shoving his hand back into the pockets of his jeans.

“Hey, it’s… nice to meet the two of you.”

I… admittedly felt a little better about the meet and greet I’d been dreading now that the introductions were over, and the boys were glancing at Equius instead… and far, far away from me. I exhaled, and the serious one — Galekh, I reminded myself sharply — raised a brow towards Equius.

“So… what exactly are you two even doing here?”

“Oh, Sollux and I were going to fix these bikes.” Equius explained inaccurately; he’d given me far more credit in the situation than I’d ever deserved, but nobody dared to question it. They didn’t even bother giving me a second glance, as it seemed ‘bikes’ was the magic word for them all. Both boys pushed past us two, making their way to eye our… no, Equius’s project, and pestered him with educated questions about parts of the bike I didn’t dare to recognize. 

I didn’t understand any of them, which managed to confuse even me — didn’t having a Y chromosome come with the ability to suddenly understand any ounce of mechanical shit? Well, admittedly — I’d wasted mine on learning how to take apart computers by memory, and memorizing all of the  _ Half Life 2  _ cheat codes…

  
  


A few thirty minutes to an hour of watching them pry and discuss possible methods of attack for handling the rust on the exterior of the bike, I stood up from my seat, and decided it was probably best I got home — before Nepeta made her way over here. Equius looked up to me, expression apologetic, and I suddenly felt bad.

“Are we boring you?”

“Nah,” and it wasn’t a lie — I’d been enjoying myself, and the little separation from the real world that Equius’s shed and his friends offered. Maybe, when I got home, I’d invest in a motorcycle building guide online to actually take part in the conversation the next time around. “Just got homework at home, is all.”

Equius’s frown relaxed then, his eyebrows shifting as he thought for a few seconds, and then offered me a nervous smile.

"Oh… well, I'll finish taking these apart tonight and figure out exactly what more we'll need to get started rebuilding them. When do you want to work on them again?"

I thought for a second, pretending I wasn’t desperate for any amount of distraction, before shrugging casually.

“Is tomorrow good?”

Sundays were the bane of my existence if there ever was one. There was never enough homework or coding to keep me busy… and either way, it always ended with me having to clutch at my throat halfway through, and remind myself how exactly to breathe. I’d take any offer that promised to rid me of that. However, I didn’t fail to notice Zebruh nudge at Galekh’s shoulder while Equius smiled upwards to me, distracted.

“That’d… be good.”

“If you make a list, we can go shopping for parts beforeha-”

“No, that isn’t exactly fair.” Equius cut me off, frowning now, and I rolled my eyes in time with Zebruh, who was more invested in this conversation than I was. “We can just save up.”

I shook my head stubbornly, mirroring a child, and internally cringed at it. "No fucking way. I'm paying entirely for this party. You just have to supply the labor and expertise my noodle arms and pea-sized brain could never offer.”

Galekh rolled his eyes at Zebruh now.

"That… doesn't seem right," Equius shook his head. “Besides, Nepeta would ki-”

"Equius, if I took these to a mechanic, how much would he charge me?" I pointed out, half-smiling. Arguing with him was infectious, in a strange way.

He smiled sheepishly, looking down as the few loose pieces of hair fell forward to frame his face. "Okay, you're getting a deal."

"Not... to mention the riding lessons," I added, as if to test the waters. Did these boys really think something was going to happen between us two? It seemed like it.

Zebruh grinned widely at Galekh and whispered something I didn't catch. Bingo. I ignored the awkward flush that dusted across Equius’s cheeks immediately, and he lifted his hand swiftly to smack the back of Zebruh’s head.

"That's it, get out," he muttered, embarrassed, and I suppressed my chuckle as Zebruh winced in pain, and Galekh tried his absolute hardest to contain his laughter.

"I… don’t swing that way,” I stated, now laughing myself, before controlling it for a second, and then looking seriously at Equius during that second. “Th-Seriously though, I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, EQ.” I spoke casually between laughs as I walked off to the door, not bothering to cringe at the instinctual nickname I’d already given him.

As soon as I was out of sight, I heard Zebruh and Galekh yell a synchronized, "Wooooo!" and… the sound of a brief scuffle followed, interspersed with an "ouch" and a "hey!"

"If either of you set so much as one toe on my land tomorrow…" I heard Equius threaten. His voice was lost as I walked through the trees.

  
  


I chuckled quietly as I made my way to my car under the brush of trees, and stopped for a split second as the sound  _ finally _ took me by surprise. I was… laughing. I was laughing without force, or anyone beside me — I swallowed dryly, and then chuckled once more, curiously. I felt weightless when I laughed, relaxed and as if there was no problem in my life whatsoever… so I allowed the laughing to continue, as to try and preserve the feeling it gave me.

I beat Nepeta home, but not Karkat and my aunt. You win some, you lose some. I closed the door behind me as I kicked off my shoes, set my jacket onto the coat rack and made my way upstairs, smiling faintly at the fact that I suddenly enjoyed the smell of cooking coming from the kitchen; that was strange too, food had been a bland, tasteless mush for months now. 

  
  


I passed Karkat by the hallway, flashing him a genuine smile, and he stumbled backwards for a second before focusing his eyes towards me, and raising a brow in curiosity. Then, he returned the smile, seemingly relieved.

“Did… you have fun with Equius?”

“Huh?” I raised my brow curiously at his question, not entirely upset, but definitely confused on where he’d gotten the information from — he gave me a quizzical look, as if the answer wasn’t obvious. “Oh, she told you guys?”

“Uh, well, no. You weren’t here when I got home, so I called dad, and dad called her, and… well, she said you had asked for directions there, so I didn’t think that much of it. Besides, why did you even want to go there? You’ve never liked hanging out with Equius be-”

“That’s not really true,” I interrupted him suddenly, without much thought to it whatsoever. Huh. “...I was just more busy than usual, so I never got the chance to hang out with him at all. He’th… kind of cool, honestly.”

Karkat’s surprised expression returned now, and he furrowed his eyebrows towards me as he eyed me curiously, before spreading his lips into a thin, expressionless line.

“...Cool. He kind of gives me the fucking creeps, but… you  _ do _ need some friends.” I exhaled as he stopped speaking, half-expecting him to walk off once he looked off to the side, but then his expression returned to mine, this time almost judgingly. “You didn’t answer my question, though. What were you two doing for… like, four hours?”

I was confused by his question, wondering why exactly he’d care  _ that _ much… before I raised my eyebrows in surprise, and closed my mouth tightly. Oh. Oh,  _ fuck.  _ Did he really see me as that much of a nutcase? I was definitely somewhat offended now, though I’d earned his expectations, admittedly — I furrowed my brows defensively as I blushed lightly, and swallowed.

“No,  _ God no, _ ” I started, breaking into a nervous laugh halfway through my sentence. “...fuck, no, Nepeta would  _ kill  _ me, are you kidding me?”

His face shifted into that of relief, and I considered how hard I’d have to punch to break his nose for even insinuating that. Not out of dramatics, of course — it was just ridiculous, in all honesty. Though, Equius’s friends even had the same expression… I mentally shook my head, as much as I enjoyed hanging out with the kid. He was still… younger, and Nepeta’s friend — forbidden fruit, in a sense. At the very least, with Eridan, they were… only five hundred years my senior, and I didn’t feel like a weird-ass for liking them.

“Oh, well…” he paused for a second, clearly uncomfortable with me understanding what he was getting at, before finally composing himself, and furrowing his brows once more. “Good. Don’t… do _that._ ”

I tried to ignore the obvious discomfort that resulted from my internal mention of Eridan, and nodded my head towards him, before finally turning away, and making my way to my bedroom. 

I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do, but maybe…  _ another _ sort of distraction was the key. Still, my thought of… them… didn’t sting quite as much as it half prior, the hole in my chest only throbbing subtly enough to ignore it with every breath. It was manageable now, just as I hoped. I wasn’t sure whether to be happy about that, or upset — wouldn’t the lack of pain simply help me forget? Admittedly… maybe the pain was necessary, or maybe I was a masochist for needing it as a sort of validation that they were real, that I  _ loved _ them… maybe, it was simply meant to fade once I was given the freedom and liberty to turn away from it. It was exactly what I’d wanted, what I’d begged for in my car earlier… why was it upsetting to note it was happening now? 

  
  


Brains were exhausting… and admittedly strange, especially since now I was set on trying to change what I’d wanted — what were the odds of me being indecisive after all? I chuckled bitterly at that, trying to ignore the irony, and the glare mentioning that would earn from Dave Strider… it was easier to describe it all as ironically pathetic. How I was feeling towards this… was unironically pathetic. Sometimes, you just… had to settle, whether or not you wanted to — besides, things were looking up, in a sense — there was no reason to ever be upset towards it, or hold a grudge towards Equius for giving me the chance to forget… no, I should be thanking him, instead. Living as a zombie, as I had for these past four months wasn’t even healthy, and at the very least, he filled the hole they’d left to the halfway mark… that, I should be thankful for. Which… I was, in a sense. 

Thankful for the lack of churning in my stomach, and the reduced tightening of my throat. It felt as though my senses had somewhat returned, now. I’d been allowing the waves to lap at me before, pull my head under to where surviving was entirely impossible, and now I was… making my way back to the shore, wasn’t I? I was grateful for that, at the very least. The lack of imaginary, dramatic fluid clouding my lungs was a sure-fire improvement from the imaginary mental state of ‘drowning’ I’d placed myself in.

Maybe, if this continued, I’d probably start listening to music with  _ purpose _ now, and not to simply drown out the repetitions of their words I replayed mentally over and over, as if they were lyrics I’d forced myself to remember. Maybe they were, in all honesty. It was funnier, easier to think of my predicament as an album, something I’d write out, and release… eventually. It was easier to distract myself from the looming burden with ridiculous comparisons like this — it…  _ would _ make a great album, though. Wasn’t that what… was in now? Teenage angst and eternal pain you could simply ignore to grow out of, but instead choose to resign yourself to and wallow in miserably? I wasn’t even sure, by this point.

It’d be… productive, at least, and something different from the coding I’d avoided for months, and the homework I’d already finished earlier in the day, before work… I could already hear my old therapist encouraging it,  _ any excuse to get you to do something, _ and I pursed my lips together as I found myself opening my closet door, and ignoring the garbage bag I’d thrown in the corner, and refused to look at. 

Somehow, looking towards it didn’t hurt me quite as much anymore, which was also a welcome surprise, in all honesty. I found my untouched, practically dust-ridden guitar in the near back, surrounded by piles of clothes I’d bought and thrown back there, in an attempt to ‘pretend’ I’d put them away. I… wasn’t going to create a whole album, of course, but before I resorted to coding and locking myself into that eternal headspace — maybe, this’d clear my mind… in  _ some _ sense of the word… phrase? Whatever. I picked it up with less shaky hands than my normal state — strange — and wiped some of the dust off the neck with my hand, before plucking at a chord, and cringing at the sound that the instrument released.

Definitely… out of tune. That was fine, I supposed. Maybe, I felt cooped up because I’d confined myself to the house, and maybe… Equius didn’t help me feel less resigned, maybe  _ nature _ did. Of course, the idea of… returning to the forest terrified me, with every fiber of my being. It’d either trigger more nightmares, or wipe them clean entirely… two impossible outcomes to gamble with. Still, I was sure death was a better option than playing where my family could hear, so I swallowed down any remaining fear, set on at the very least, making it a step towards it. Baby steps, right? After all, this’d only help me grow past this all, and feel better about everything that reminded me of… I exited my room, guitar in hand, careful to lightly step on the stairs, and not make as much noise as I usually did. I slipped my shoes on quietly, setting the guitar down to pull on my jacket and zip it halfway, trying to ignore the obvious chatter from the kitchen. Somehow, it was easier to pretend I wasn’t needed in that moment, and doing… whatever  _ this  _ was… was the most important priority. I opened the door, guitar in hand, and inhaled the outside air shakily — before taking a step out, and closing the door behind me.

  
  


Since they’d left, I’d ignored even glancing towards the forest, trying to avoid a breakdown at any waking moment. I’d forgotten how the trees surrounding it looked, and the color of the trail, though my dreams did an amazing job at reminding me. It was a constant, obsessive smile. Forget, remember, forget, remember — I took another breath as I made my way down the porch, ignoring the tightening in my chest, and the amount of pressure suddenly building in my gut.

It was easier, of course, to simply accept Equius as the answer on this occasion. I wasn’t stupid, I could read the obvious context clues… but, somewhere deep inside of me, I  _ also _ knew I could somehow do this on my own, if I only… tried. Trying was the answer, wasn’t it? Of course, it’d also been the one I’d avoided for… how long was it now?

Every step closer only worked to tighten my airways, and constrict my chest further. The feeling was reminiscent in an almost — no, certainly — painful manner, and as much as I  _ wanted _ to go home, to chalk this up as a… success for today, I only moved closer to it, not stopping. I wouldn’t  _ die _ if I simply walked through a forest, and that idea was ridiculous to even begin to believe it. I’d be perfectly fine, and nothing would truly happen. 

  
  


The imaginary boa wrapped around my ribcage only slithered further into itself, and I was certain I’d forgotten to breathe entirely as I took the first step into the brush of trees, and onto the trail. However… I didn’t die. No, though it felt as though I had, for a second. The second of death turned into a minute, and then twenty as I stalked further into the maze of green, not stopping to catch my breath, or relax. No, why would I? I was certainly fine, for the most part… I ignored the fast repetitions of my lungs as they exhaled and inhaled, and the pain growing in my calves the further I went. I managed not to trip in my frenzy, at the very least. Instead, I clutched to the guitar as if it were a safety net — the stress ball I’d fiddled with all those months ago in the therapist’s office — ignoring the pain of the metal strings digging into my fingers. I’d  _ live _ , and while some part of me was relatively glad for that, for the strength I possessed, another deeper, more prominent part of me possessed the sudden urge to test that, and bring it to its absolute limit. 

I didn’t stop for what felt like hours, ducking over every stray branch, swiftly stepping past every exposed root I’d have tripped over months ago, and with every step, the repetition of their — Eridan’s — words ran through my head, a constant melody I could only hope to escape. Somewhere in my head, I considered the very real possibility that I was a glutton for punishment, and any chance of redigging the hole I’d dug myself into once they’d left. It wasn’t normal, it wasn’t healthy — but, somehow when I was in that space… I could at the very least pretend it’d get better. Once they’d — however, when I finally found a way to climb out of the hole and bury it, that was simply… wrong. It was wrong, all of it.

This forest was wrong, at the very least. The green wasn’t vibrant, not anymore. It was the seasons changing, I supposed. The leaves were a duller green, and I chuckled bitterly as I thought of how I somehow related to them — the chuckle faded into nothing once the reality of how much time had passed. The leaves were alien green, then. The forest was a dizzying maze, something somewhat addictive. It was cold now, bizarre. Dead, it seemed. Time had passed without me, but now the world was cold, miserable.

_ Dead. _

The word rang through my head as I glanced down at the drier grass, and it’s almost yellow color. I’d always loved the color yellow, but now it only worked to make me feel ill. The leaves hanging to the trees were shifting from the green to a mahogany, and while the change definitely brought warmth to everyone else, I… couldn’t feel it. The familiarity of it all — it struck me as odd, how much I missed. This… wasn’t the forest I’d gotten lost in, it wasn’t the forest they… it was different, entirely. The position of it all was the same, the maddening stream of trees, the exposed branches, but the coloring was wrong, as though this was a joke. Was it?

Where was the joy in fall? Where was the evergreen moss, and the occasional brown trunks giving some sort of contrast to the green that clouded your senses — where was the green air surrounding it all? There was no joy in this palette, despite how light and airy it felt.

Bitterly, I shifted my boot towards the dirt, trying to ignore the bubbling of my chest, and the boa slowly loosening its grip on my ribcage. There was no reason to clutch at my throat now, and convince my body to work. No reason to come out here, either. How would I move past it if I wasn’t allowed to relive it, and grow numb to it? The logic made no sense in my shrouded head, despite the obvious… benefits, of it. I didn’t feel sick, nor did I want to walk farther.

It was… gone.

_ Gone. _

Somehow, any semblance that word once had fell flat, and it didn’t… matter much, not anymore. What did anything matter? They’d taken it all, and I… it was logical, to blame them for this as well. It was also ridiculous, but therapeutic to wholeheartedly believe they’d taken the forest and it’s green sanctuary from me. They were impossible, unreal and incredible — I didn’t put it past them, of course. Maybe they did, as they took the pictures, and the jackets, and everything I could ever possibly imagine that ever  _ mattered  _ — the anger rising in my chest was unplanned, uncalled for.

How could I be angry at… nature? Was I expected to take it up with God eventually, write him a pitiful but fucking stupid email saying ‘hey, give me the spring back!’... this was a sick joke, it seemed.

  
  


Still, I didn’t… want to go back. Not now. I wanted to fall to the forest floor, curl into a tight ball, and rot until the green returned. I wanted to remain exactly where they left me, until they returned. I wanted to sit here and take in the scenery, and convince myself they’d absolutely never return. I wanted to burn the forest down, starting from right here, and sit in the middle of it all until it engulfed me as well.

Maybe, that would be a better fate than walking all the way back, and realizing the last piece I had to remember them thoroughly was gone. The wait from fall to winter, and then to spring seemed impossible, unreal. It was… wrong, so much time couldn’t have passed — and yet it did, and the proof was here, under my boots, surrounding my every corner, and rising above me, up to the sky. Up to the clouds, likely. 

Maybe, the fire wasn’t a half-bad idea. I used the hand that wasn’t gripping the guitar tightly to pat at my pocket — and of course, I’d left my lighter at home. Bummer. 

  
  


The walk home seemed impossible now, farther from reality than… I exhaled through my nose, and swallowed sharply. I’d come here for a reason, hadn’t I? Of course I had.

I glanced towards the hand wrapped around the neck of the guitar, ignoring how white my knuckles had become, and how much my fingers stung. My grip on the instrument was iron-tight now, unbreakable, and if I were a vampire, it’d have disintegrated by now. 

However, I wasn’t a vampire. The cotton surrounding my head returned once more, and I took a seat at the trunk of a dull, mahogany leafed tree, forbidding myself from looking up. If I closed my eyes, it was the same as it once was.

I looked down, setting the guitar on my lap, and happily ignored the throbbing in my now empty hand. I’d… deal with that later. For now, it didn’t matter whatsoever. The pain was a… reminder, of a sort. Everything was. I brought my fingers towards it shakily, not bothering to steady myself, and instead exhaled once in a vain attempt to clear my throat. The boa surrounding me was still there, only loosening its grip enough for me to… live, I supposed.

  
  


Tuning the old, forgotten thing was easier than I’d remembered — it hadn’t gone that long without being touched, and it’d only been around twenty minutes by the time I reached the lower E-string. I felt more relaxed by the time I’d finished that, now strumming at it mindlessly, bringing my sore fingers up and down the fretboard, not really… caring much for the sound that came out of it. It was music, and music didn’t help much… with anything nowadays. It was just sound. Mindless, pointless sound.

Still, that didn’t stop me from playing it, as it seemed to… take my mind off of things, in a sort.

  
  


I didn’t feel much better a minute into playing, and the feeling didn’t change within twenty minutes of playing. I felt numb, surrounded by the music, and the cold, distant forest. Instinctively, I positioned my fingers in a certain manner, and played… a familiar tune.

Strange.

B minor, a single D, E minor seven… and then a G. It sounded… familiar. It took my mind off of the world for a split second, and I found myself repeating it once more, this time closer, more… synchronized. I could recognize the song now — it’d been one of the ones Aradia had downloaded onto that old, practically ancient playlist for me — but while I’d forgotten the name, the lyrics were fresh in my mind now.

I played the B minor once more, and opened my mouth, almost instinctively.

“Tie me up with sheets,” I paused for a split second as I drifted the chord into a single D, and continued. “...and hang me from your tree.”

Repeating those two chords in sync was easier than I’d figured, once I’d gotten the handle of it, and gotten immersed into the song. It was easier, with my eyes closed, to pretend I was in the green forest again, with them right beside me.

“I’ll stay out here all night,” I faltered once on the chord, ignoring the stutter growing in my voice. “...it doesn’t even matter,”

The compulsion to complete it, to finish the song — to override those older memories with newer ones — was there now, and I had no reason to stop it.

“As long as I can see into your room… and feel like I’m inside your life, I’ll follow you forever.”

The chorus was the tricky part, I figured. The chords changed then, losing the harmony I’d settled on, and I swiftly ignored how… uncomfortable the sudden change made me feel. I paused on the D five, hesitating for a single second, and then opening my mouth once more.

“Don’t… cut me down just yet,” I paused, swallowing sharply as I shifted it to an A five in time for the other half, fingers shaking with every second that passed. “I’ll make thingth right… again,” The A five turned to a B five in time for the last word of it, but that didn’t do much to resolve the growing tightening in my chest, or the spinning in my head.

  
  


I moved my fingers to repeat the first half of that, absolutely certain I’d already butchered it all. I was… fine with that.

“Don’t clothe your… blindth on… me?”

Why… wasn’t it helping? It’d usually helped, but now it only worked to feed into the looming feeling I’d wanted to avoid, to get away from — the tightening returned, and I shoved the guitar away from me with shaking hands, wanting nothing more than to get away from it. It was rotten, and full of maggots. It was the corpse, and I was cradling it. It was… I had no analogy for it, no comparison that made any semblance of sense. I wanted it gone, suddenly. I wanted no memory of the thing, no memory of the forest, no memory of…

This had to be a joke. All of it. It was a funny… hilarious joke, wasn’t it? Except, I wasn’t laughing. Why wasn’t I laughing? I’d liked that song, too. It was… a fine song, but not today. Quite frankly, no music was good. The silence surrounding me already felt better, even with all the echoing of the thoughts racing through my full head.

  
  


I felt as though I was made of cotton, and dipped into a pond.

I felt as though I was a toaster, and I’d been thrown into a bathtub.

I felt as though I wanted to go home, and take a long, long shower. Bath. Maybe, toss a toaster into the bathtub while I was in it. That wasn’t… a terrible idea, in all honesty.

Though, I’d have… to buy a toaster. Eventually. I’d think about it.

  
  


I stood up shakily, suddenly out of breath though I’d been sitting, and glared down towards the wooden instrument as if it’d killed my entire family. As if it’d ruined my entire life. It was innocent, the guitar — I was sane enough to realize that, though it didn’t mean I  _ had _ to like the damn thing. I felt like a joke, one of those guys I’d mocked years prior. Lovestruck, and singing songs. How… ridiculous was that? Incredibly. My character development had gone backwards, it seemed. A pity.

  
  


I picked up the guitar by the neck, considering how easy it’d be to slam it into the tree, and get rid of any evidence of it. It… didn’t  _ have _ to exist. It… was just an instrument. I’d suddenly projected all my resigned anger towards it, but I still didn’t have the heart to destroy it. Maybe… Karkat would appreciate it, at least. I sure wouldn’t. I didn’t want to look at it, ever again. I wanted to sit behind a screen, and type away lines of zeroes and ones that made no sense until tomorrow. I wanted to get away from this mahogany forest, and sit in Equius’s garage, learning of motorcycle parts until my head felt as though it would implode. 

That was… easiest to settle on, I supposed. The math was easier, now that I had a more direct mindset on it. It was a distraction with no ties remaining, and something that’d benefit me in the long run. Why was I so stubborn over it? It’d be my downfall, apparently.

  
  


So, I settled. I turned on my heels, walking back the exact way I’d come, half peeking down to the forest floor, and following my own frenzied footprints. I considered breaking the guitar against every tree I passed, but that was melodramatic, and ridiculous. Even for me. I didn’t bother looking up, ignoring the different colored trees, numb to it now. What did it matter? It didn’t matter, certainly not to me.

Nothing of them remained here, and they’d taken the alien green I’d grown to love with them. It was unreasonable to be upset — to blame them, but it was easiest. Why couldn’t I just get over things differently? Why couldn’t I simply grow past this all, as one does? Something was wrong with me, somewhere. Apart from all the evident faults in my brain, something was preventing me from simply getting over this all, and the exact thought of that confused me.

It was easiest to blame them for that too. Maybe if I simply blamed them and pushed all of my repressed anger onto them, I’d get over this sooner. I’d settle for what I had in front of me, and go on with my life. I’d stop sitting in a corner, staring out the window as the time passed, counting the seconds down until they returned. Maybe if I forced myself to absolutely despise them, I’d get on with my life, and save everyone the regret.

  
  


I found my way back home easily, though the trail took time to walk. It was dark out by the time I ducked under the branches leading to the entrance, and walked up the steps to the porch. My uncle was home now, at least. I opened the front door once more, not caring enough to take off my jacket, but at least kicked off my shoes once more. I trudged up the stairs, and set the horrible, absolutely  _ hideous _ guitar outside of Karkat’s door, hoping he’d take the hint.

I wasn’t really hungry anymore, but I’d figured I’d sneak downstairs for leftovers later on, if I truly needed it. I’d be fine, otherwise. I made my way to my room and locked the door behind me, half debating whether or not I should sleep, or stay up until my vision burned, and my head hurt. I felt happier, in the house. It reminded me of how I felt when I first got home, and the reminder made me think more of how hanging out with Equius felt. It was lighter, less heavy. It was nice, and something I already missed. I’d drive my car to school tomorrow, for sure. I’d be able to go to his place right after from there, and be… distracted some more. Since when did I like being around him so much?

My head didn’t turn to the computer I’d been missing once as I sat on the bed, and reconsidered everything thoroughly. I was tired now, but less numb. The anger had subsided, for the most part. The anger towards the guitar remained, but it wasn’t my issue anymore. I’d gotten rid of it, in a sense. It was gone now.

There was nothing to be angry about, now that my head was clear. The forest was a stupid idea, something triggered by stupid words that meant stupid, meaningless things — my head still felt like it was submerged in water, but in a more… relaxing way. Clearer, nicer. I recognized the submerged feeling as exhaustion, and sighed once.

Tonight would be horrific, no doubt. The venture into the… forest would trigger worse nightmares, but the faster I dealt with it all, the faster I’d be in… tomorrow. Time travelling. Science.

  
  


Begrudgingly, I laid down and pulled the sheets above my head, getting comfortable as I prepared for the oncoming onslaught. It’d be merciless. It’d be horrific, and I’d never sleep again. I squeezed my eyes shut, and swallowed.

* * *

The next thing I knew, it was morning. I opened my eyes, half expecting them to kick in now, now that I’d been convinced otherwise. Instead, the pale silver light peeking through the curtains met me instead, and I squinted my eyes towards it now. I couldn’t tell which emotion was stronger now, the relief — or the shock, and looming anxiety towards the obvious impending doom. 

Except, there was no doom. The day was lovely out, with no nightmares creeping up my spine, and pulling my down under into the thundering waves. For the first time in more than four months, I'd slept without dreaming. I laid still in my bed for a few minutes, waiting for it to come back. This… had to be a joke, but I heard the doors open downstairs, and then my cousins talking, and it was clear that it simply wasn’t a joke. I felt more rested than I had in months, but I didn’t trust this to last. The numbness and pain would return, soon. The anger would rise up, and bubble. 

It… wouldn’t last. It simply couldn’t. Why… would it?

I pushed the anxiety of it all from my head as I showered, and then got dressed. I ignored it once more as I chewed absentmindedly on the leftover fried chicken from yesterday, counting down the seconds on the clock until it was a decent enough time to leave. The one thing I didn’t care enough to ignore was the fact that I’d be hanging out with Equius today. The thought made me… almost happy, in a way. Hopeful, even. What were the odds of that?

  
  


Maybe today would be better, and I’d actually communicate with people, for a start. Maybe I wouldn’t have to remind myself to smile or nod, or use a nicer, less… sharp voice to others. Maybe today would be better with Equius, too. I’d… learn a thing or two, and actually put some amount of effort into learning of the vehicular rambling he talked about. Maybe I’d get to know his friends too, and know other people my age that I enjoyed the company of.

Nepeta made her way to the kitchen just as I grabbed my bag to leave out, and she glanced at me once, before giving a careful, almost polite smile.

“Did you two have fun yesterday?”

What were words? I stumbled over them for a second before simply nodding. She was clearly trying to hide her scrutiny, but I ignored it for now.

“That’s good… uh, what are you up to today?”

I swallowed, and finally, words made sense once more. I opened my mouth casually, eyeing the cuff of my sweater as though I didn’t put much thought into my answer. “I’m going to hang out with Equius again.”

She nodded now, but I noticed the narrowing of her eyes, mirroring Karkat’s expression from yesterday. I sighed at it, and slowly realized that these two shared one single brain cell they swapped constantly when it came to me.

“That’s good…”

“Do you want to hang out with him today, or something?” My voice came off as bored and somewhat irritated, but I didn’t ignore the flash of panic in her eyes. She shook her head quickly.

“No! No, uh… I wanted you to, actually, I’m hanging out with Feferi after school!”

“Uh… okay.”

I backed away, turning around now, and ignoring the fact that I could clearly hear Nepeta opening her phone, and dialing a number. I opened the door, and closed it behind me once I was outside the house. I wasn’t sure if the impromptu date was an excuse for her to not hang out with him today, or whatnot. Either way, it’d have been fine if she wanted to come with me, though… then the bikes wouldn’t be a possibility. Either way, she seemed excited enough with the idea of me leaving the house to see her friend, so I didn’t dwell on it long enough to move past that conclusion.

  
  


Outside, the rain poured over like God had tipped over a bucket. I thought back to the nursery school story of him washing his car… or something, and sloshed my way over to my car, enjoying the dry and warm shelter it offered. I drove slower than usual, squinting at the windshield as I tried to see my way through it all. I could hardly see a car length in front of the truck, and I quietly damned the vision I’d inherited from my father. The rain too, I supposed. However, I finally made it through the muddy lanes to Equius’s house. Before I'd killed the engine and even taken a step out, the front door opened and Equius came walking out with a huge black umbrella. He held it over my door while I opened the truck, and stepped out of it.

“Nepeta called… said you were on your way.”

Of course, I thought silently. Still, his smile was infectious, and I found myself returning it. A strange feeling of warmth rose in my chest for a second, but it died down once another droplet of icy rain hit my cheek.

“Hey,”

“Good call on getting her to go out with her girlfriend.” He held his hand out for a fistbump, polite grin on his face, and I couldn’t say no. I returned it quickly, ignoring the chuckle that escaped his throat at that.

His dad was out today, at least. Visiting family, or something of the sort. We stood outside, under the little porch as we discussed the plan for today, before settling on going to the dump, and seeing what exactly we could scavenge. Equius pulled out a folded paper from his pocket, smoothing it against the front door, and pointed at a circle area on it.

“We’ll start on this dump, for today. We can see if we happen to get lucky — these bikes will be pretty expensive, they need a lot of help before they’ll be able to run again.” He spoke in a warning tone, but my face remained careless of it all. “...It’ll be more than a hundred dollars, Sollux.” He repeated himself more clearly this time, and I simply shrugged.

“Dude, we’re covered.”

  
  


It was a very... strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself, which was an honest shock. I’d expected to complain all throughout it, in an almost pathetically pessimistic matter. Instead, I… had a good time. Even at the dump, in the sloshing rain and ankle-deep mud that stained my jeans. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, and the release of all the repressed anger in the forest, but I didn't think that was really… enough of an explanation.

I was honestly starting to think it was mainly Equius. It wasn't just that he was always so happy to see me, so pleased with my mere presence, or that he didn't watch me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark me as crazy or unhinged. It was absolutely nothing that related to me at all.

It was simply… Equius himself. Equius was a perpetually calm person, and he carried that level headedness and composure like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Equius relaxed them, warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder Nepeta was so close to him.

  
  


Even when he commented on the truck, it didn’t send me into a spiral, or panic… like it should’ve. It was simply a question, and I was able to answer without a second thought.

“This isn’t meant to be offensive, but… this is an expensive truck. New, actually — where did you get it from?”

I eyed it casually, acting surprised by his statement, before shrugging.

“Parents.”

The lie was easier to say now, after I’d convinced all my peers at school of it. Of course, some with common sense knew the truth, but it was easier to pretend otherwise. Equius only nodded, peeking around at it, and staring at the dashboard curiously.

“Well, I hope the motorcycles match up… in some form to your truck.”

“I’m sure they will.”

  
  


According to Equius, we did get lucky at the dump. He was actually… very excited about several grease-blackened pieces of twisted metal that he found; while I was just impressed that he could tell what they were supposed to be.

From there we went to the Checker Auto Parts down in Hoquiam. In my truck, it was around an hour-long drive south on the winding freeway, but the time passed easily with Equius. He talked casually of his friends and his school, and I found myself asking questions, not even pretending, truly curious to hear what he had to say.

A strange feeling of deja vu crawled upwards through my throat at the situation, but I swallowed it down.

“You know, I’m doing all the talking.” He complained lightheartedly after a seemingly long story of Zebruh, and the trouble he’d caused after asking out a senior’s steady girlfriend. I rolled my eyes at his statement, though he wasn’t wrong whatsoever. I just liked listening to him talk, I supposed. "...Why don't you take a turn? What's going on in Forks? It has to be more exciting than La Push."

“Nothing, really,” I sighed, and thought about it for another second. “Besides, you have Nepeta to keep you updated. She’s more in the loop with things than I am, honestly.”

He frowned, but his face showed no intention of arguing. I was correct. I felt myself grow upset at his expression, and decided to bring up the date that was approaching. It was October now, and it was… due in December.

“The… big seventeen, huh? Maybe you’ll catch up to me, eventually.”

Equius’s frown deepened, and I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.

“It's just a year and a few months."

I had a growing feeling that we weren’t talking about birthdays, but I swallowed it down once more, instead set on making him laugh… or feel better, in a way.

“Sure,” I started, keeping my voice friendly, and yet sarcastic. “...but considering the difference in time, don’t you have to count that shit in dog years? What does that make me… nine years older?”

He laughed now, a throaty sound, rolling his eyes. "Okay, but if you're going to get picky like that, you have to average in size, too. You're smaller, so logically… I'll have to knock three years off your total."

I narrowed my eyes towards him, now set on coming for absolute blood. “Six foot four is above average, actually.” I sniffed, mocking offense. “It’s not my fault you’re a freak.”

  
  


We argued like that till Hoquiam, still fighting over the correct formula to determine age — I lost two more years because I didn't know how to change a tire, but gained one back for knowing how to fix a computer screen — until we were in Checker, and Equius had to concentrate again. We found everything left on his list, and Equius felt entirely confident that he’d make decent progress on the motorcycles. 

By the time we got to La Push, he was forty-seven, and I was thirty-eight. He was definitely weighing skills in his own favor, but I didn’t really care much about complaining about it.

Still, as horrible as it started to make me feel, I hadn't forgotten the reason for why I was here. Even though I was enjoying myself more than I'd thought possible, and I’d definitely made a new friend, there was no lessening of my original plans. I still wanted to cheat. It was senseless, ridiculous… fucking idiotic, and I really didn't care. I was going to be as reckless as I could possibly manage in Forks. I refused to be the only one maintaining a useless, empty contract. Getting to spend time with Equius was simply just a much bigger perk than I'd expected.

  
  


His dad — Daniel — wasn't back yet, so we didn’t have to try to be sneaky about unloading our day's spoils. As soon as we had everything laid out on the plastic floor next to Equius’s toolbox, he went right to work, still talking and chuckling casually while his fingers combed expertly through the metal pieces in front of him.

Equius’s skill with his hands was fascinating. It was almost on par with mine, I thought mindlessly, though he was definitely more technical of what he did. While he worked, he seemed almost graceful. Unlike when he was on his feet; there, his social anxiety and big feet made him nearly as dangerous as I was to be around.

Galekh and Zebruh did not show up, so maybe his threat yesterday had been taken seriously. I shrugged casually at that thought, before ducking my head back to the motorcycle, and repeating the steps he’d given me once more in my head, before actually applying them to the equation… motorcycle.

The day passed far too quickly. It got dark outside the mouth of the garage before I was expecting it, and then we heard Daniel calling for us. We both groaned in unison, but I jumped up to help Equius put things away, hesitating awkwardly because I… really wasn’t sure what to touch. At the very least, I’d learned what a wrench was today. I considered that a silent win, in a way.

"Just leave it," he said, before ushering my hands away, and organizing it himself. "I'll work on it later tonight."

"Fuck, don’t forget your schoolwork or anything," I spoke, suddenly feeling a little guilty. I didn't want him to get in trouble — he was a good kid, just trying to be a decent friend. The trouble and recklessness… that plan was just for me.

  
  


I was somewhat nervous climbing into the truck, and the nervousness only grew as I got closer to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth — the kindness of E quius’s presence was fading, and the anxiety and reclusiveness I’d held at bay while I was with him was quickly taking its place. I was entirely sure I wouldn’t get two nights of a decent sleep… it was inevitable, in a sense. At the very least, it struck now, before I got comfortable.

To put sleeping off for a while, I checked my email; there was no message from users with the names I  _ wanted _ to see, instead an email from my mother. Huh. I hadn’t seen that in a while, and frowned as I clicked on it, and read it in my head.

She wrote about her day. It was casual — she mentioned how she’d finally started doing ‘online orders’, and surprisingly… didn’t need my help setting up the website for it. She wrote about my father, and how he was enjoying the whole ‘retirement’ thing, and she wrote about Mituna. He was doing better, at home. Latula had taken my old bedroom — they hoped I didn’t mind, after they’d learned from my aunt that I was applying to colleges here. She wrote about their family trip to Disney World, and I scrolled through it quickly, ignoring the heat rising in my face.

The first thing I noticed was that the whole thing read like a journal entry, rather than a letter to someone else. Rather than a letter to her son. I frowned uncomfortably, and remorse flooded through me. Some son I was, I thought bitterly.

I wrote back to her quickly, commenting on each part of her letter thoroughly, offering help if she ever needed help with any online shit, and I volunteered some information of my own; I described the colleges I’d applied to, feeling half-bad that I hadn’t let them know of that… I described hanging out with Equius, and the fact that I’d finally gotten around to learning how to fix a car — I even described the small pieces of metal he was able to name by memory — awed and slightly envious. I made sure to make absolutely no reference to the change this letter would be from the ones she'd received in the last several months… or lack thereof. 

I could barely even remember what I'd written to her even as recently as last week, but I was sure it wasn't very responsive. The more I thought about it, the guiltier I felt... I really must have worried them all. I asked her to say hi to dad, Mituna, and Latula for me — and hit send.

I stayed up extra late after that, getting ahead of even  _ more _ homework than was necessary. However, neither sleep deprivation nor the time spent with Equius — the almost shallow level of happiness it gave me — could keep the dream away for two nights in a row.

  
  


I wasn’t surprised when I woke up shuddering, clutching onto, and screaming into my pillow. Instead, I swallowed sharply, standing up to get a glass of water, and lock my bedroom door. Having the dream was the horrible part, waking up suddenly, and screaming. Falling back asleep was always a little easier.

* * *


	23. Repetition

* * *

The dim morning light peaked through my window — the obvious dawn breaking through, and I squinted at it irritably, almost wondering how much sleep I could possibly squeeze into twenty extra minutes if I tried counting sheep.

It was futile, of course. I was able to fall back asleep after the dream, but it was restless. It was the type of sleep you had when you were expecting something the next day, and couldn’t seem to get your eyes to just stay shut for a split second. If the floor had simply creaked, or if someone had spoken a single word downstairs… I would have definitely woken up.

I laid still in my bed, ushering my eyes from the window and instead to the roof, staring at it as if it were responsible for every issue I’d had in my miserable life.

The dream was not different, this time. I’d almost expected the trip to the forest to affect it, make it more horrifying in an almost masochistic way, but it didn’t. I paced around the forest once more, looking for something I could never hope to find, until I inevitably forgot… and then the screaming started once more. It was a joke, at this point — I silently hoped I’d eventually get over it, but the bags under my eyes said otherwise.

  
  


My aunt stared at me during breakfast, eyes crinkled with a subtle glance of worry, and curiosity. I tried to ignore it. I couldn’t argue with it… I definitely deserved it after making them all worry and hover over me, and I’d suddenly just… snapped back into life. At least, externally. It’d logically be another twenty years before they stopped checking for the return of the zombie, and the lack of showers. I’d check for it, too. I definitely didn’t feel cured after two days of decent social interaction, but I didn’t feel half as dead. The hole was a quarter filled when Equius wasn’t around, but it didn’t hurt quite as bad. It was bearable.

I took my own truck to school, deciding it was about time I actually took advantage of the liberty it gave me. While my family eyed me constantly for any potential life-threatening decision, school was the exact opposite. Still, I didn’t find myself comforted by it. When I’d first shown up, all I’d wanted was to disappear entirely, be a little spirit that simply lingered in the halls — I’d grown to somewhat miss the annoying interactions I loathed. It was ironic, at the very least… after a few months, I was finally getting my wish.

  
  


Once I was out of my head, it was easy to see how quickly I was able to fade into the background. Nobody passed me a second glance, nor eyed me with the same concern my family did. It was like I’d skipped class. The teachers didn’t bother looking at my desk during attendance, and I wasn’t picked on to answer questions. I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful, or upset.

I had no reason to be. I’d resigned myself to this state of reclusiveness, and they’d simply gotten tired of trying. I was old enough to realize that these people had their own worries, and weren’t going to waste their time picking and prodding until I finally spoke up. I tried eavesdropping on the nearby conversations taking place whilst I wrote down various scrambles of code that’d definitely help fix the bugs my classmates were reporting from Pesterchum — the code came easily, at least — but the conversations made little to no sense no matter how hard I tried to focus, so instead I simply huffed, and gave up.

  
  


It was sort of funny, I supposed. I wasn’t the main character in their lives whatsoever, yet I was still offended that they didn’t bother checking up today on me. Had my blatant narcissism returned?

  
  


Feferi didn’t glance up when I took a seat next to her in Calculus, as opposed to my normal seat… all the way in the back of the room. I furrowed my brows, half-considering simply walking off to the back, but instead leaned forward onto the desk, and swallowed.

“Hey, FF,” I started casually, though I absolutely sounded embarrassed. It was easy to notice the second her shoulders tensed, and she inhaled. “...How was the rest of your weekend?”

She turned to me with suspicious eyes, and I felt my throat tighten. Could she be angry? It… probably wasn’t the best decision to sleep with your friend’s sister when you were supposed to be hanging out with  _ her _ instead, but the most logical reason was simply… that she had used up all her patience on me already. Who would want to deal with a crazy person, after all?

“Super,” she spoke bitterly, before turning her head back to her book.

I mumbled a reply quietly… and waited another second, before finally standing up, and returning to my own usual seat. The figure of speech definitely had some truth to it, at least. The room was warm, but I felt cold. I pulled my jacket closer around my body, and didn’t pay much attention to class — I’d already done the lesson at home, and finished all the textbook work about it. Instead, I kept my head down, writing lines of binary until my head hurt, and my eyes threatened to roll inwards.

  
  


My fourth hour class got out late, the result of the teacher and Dave getting into a heated political debate concerning George W. Bush, and by the time we all made it to the cafeteria, the lunch table I always…  _ used to _ sit at was full. I swallowed back the offense I took to it as I studied the faces; Vriska was there, John, Feferi and Nepeta, Karkat and Terezi as well… I recognized the newer faces that joined the group — Rose Lalonde, Dave’s sister who ran the freaky Dungeons and Dragons club, and the brunette junior… Jade Harley, John’s second cousin who’d transferred to Forks from Olympia. I wondered curiously how long they’d all been sitting here… had it just become a thing, or was it habitual and I was  _ finally _ catching the memo of it all? My brain fizzled in annoyance, and I took a seat beside Karkat. Nobody noticed, even as the chair squealed loudly in protest against the linoleum as I dragged it back — I might as well have been packed in styrofoam peanuts, and left to rot in the back of a mail truck.

Nobody looked at me as I took my seat, and I tried to not bite my lip and get upset at that fact… instead focusing on trying to join any sort of conversation. Rose and Terezi were talking about their latest game strategies, so I gave up with that conversation at once. John and Jade were focusing on correcting the problems with Dave’s science homework, and Karkat was scribbling into a notepad — I turned my head to Vriska, who was being asked about Tavros’s whereabouts by a curious Feferi. I perked up at that, somewhat interested. I silently wondered if that meant they were still together, though they were also clearly neighbors, so it probably wasn’t as deep as I was reading into it.

Aside from the relationship drama that sort of peaked my interest, I settled with the fact that I didn’t recognize half of the friend group based on appearances anymore. Of course, it was understandable — we were seniors now, and there’d been the whole summer break where I didn’t go outside, but I also wasn’t expecting that much of a difference.

  
  


Feferi had kept her hair practically the same — Nepeta as well, though it’d also gotten longer. Karkat had ditched the straightened bangs, and instead kept it shaggy, and in its natural curls. Of course, he still kept the style… just less effort, I figured. Dave had given up on dying his hair entirely, instead letting it grow out in his natural brown, with subtle blond tips still hanging onto the ends of it all. John sort of looked the same… more mature — did he work out during the summer? Probably his cousin moving closer did him well — Terezi’s hair was a cherry red, and longer as well. 

Vriska was definitely the most unrecognizable, though. She had cut off her long blonde layers; her hair was shorter now, falling to her collarbones, but she kept the bangs. It was more mature, at least, and a more natural blonde. No remaining blue streaks, either. I’d liked her previous style, and it definitely seemed to suit her far better than the current look — what an odd thing for her to do. I silently wondered what could be the reason behind it; did she get gum stuck in it? Did she sell it? Had she found a job that forbade the typical scene style? 

I decided it probably wasn’t very important, and at the very least, she looked more approachable. Maybe she was a nicer person, now.

“Tavros got the stomach flu,” she spoke in an uncharacteristically calm and collected voice. It didn’t have nearly as much bite to it, and it managed to strike me by surprise. “...Hopefully it’s just some twenty-four hour thing, we were supposed to hang out today,”

Feferi held onto a single strand of her hair as she twisted it between her fingers, and it was painfully obvious to see she didn’t really care about the answer, and just wanted to make conversation. “...What did you two want to do today?” I swallowed sharply and furrowed my brows. 

I bet this was just a way to introduce the story of Friday night with total ease, and I shifted uncomfortably. Was I  _ that _ invisible? It was insulting, at least. I was sitting right here, and she didn’t seem that bothered by the concept of talking about me while facing me.

“Well, we were going to have a picnic tonight, but… we changed our minds.”

There was a strange edge to her voice that caught my interest, but I didn’t comment on it before Feferi replied with a single hum, and then twisted her hair between her fingers as she looked away from Vriska. “...That’s too bad.”

I frowned at her reaction, but evidently, I wasn’t the only one paying attention. Terezi shifted closer, raising a brow towards Vriska curiously.

“What happened?”

“Well, it’s pretty stupid,” Vriska spoke, and she sounded more hesitant than I was used to. Had she always been so reserved, and I’d imagined her past hostility? No, that couldn’t be. “We drove up north, almost to the hot springs — there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail. But, when we were halfway there… we saw something.”

“Oh..?” Terezi’s eyebrows furrowed together, mirroring my constant troubled expression. Now, even Feferi was listening as well as Vriska shifted uncomfortably, and pulled her lips into a thin line.

"I don't really know," Vriska started, and it was incredibly easy to notice the red splotches rising up to her cheeks.. "We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed… too big."

Terezi’s eyes widened for a second, almost in shock, and then she simply snorted. “Oh God, not you, too!” I instinctively frowned, and quietly wondered if the two had traded personalities for the weekend, or something of the sort. “Karkat tried to sell me that one… like, two days ago.”

"You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort," Feferi said, siding with Terezi.

“Well,” Vriska started, voice faltering for a second before her typical bravado returned. “It was probably just Tavros making stuff up, either way. I was the one driving, so…”

Terezi snickered, and I turned my head to look towards Karkat, who was still focused on his notepad. Strange. I turned back to the girls, and kept a casual expression on my face.

"No, Tavros is right," I offered casually, shrugging my shoulders as I turned my head towards Karkat. "We had a hiker in just Saturday who saw the bear, too, Vriska. He said it was… pretty fucking huge and black and just outside of town, right, Karkat?”

I cringed at the moment of silence that followed, and the expression on everyone’s faces. I half-regretted speaking up, and considered how much easier it was to simply close myself off again. Every single pair of eyes at the table turned to me at once, and I swallowed impatiently as I narrowed my eyes to Karkat, and tried to ignore the blatant shock that fell along the new girl — Jade’s, face. It was as though I’d pulled a bomb from my backpack, and set it off right then and there. Nobody moved, and I reached over to poke at my cousin’s shoulder.

“Right, Karkat?” I repeated through gritted teeth, careful to mind the lisp. “Remember the guy with the bear story?”

Karkat widened his eyes towards me for a second, before shaking his head, and nodding towards me with an obviously fake smile plastered onto his face.

“Sure.” I wondered why he was looking at me so strangely — we lived together and talked enough, didn’t we? “...Yeah, there was a douchebag who said he saw a huge black bear right at the trailhead — bigger than a grizzly, or whatever the fuck.”

He confirmed it, albeit grouchily, and then turned back to his own devices. Vriska smiled widely at Terezi, and Terezi mumbled a single ‘hmph’ before changing the subject entirely.

"Did you hear back from USC?" 

  
  


Everyone else looked away, apart from Feferi — which I was somewhat grateful for, but also partially offended. Why was everything offending me lately? It was strange. Feferi smiled at me tentatively, seemingly harbouring none of the malice from earlier, and I offered her a strained smile in an almost attempted peace treaty. Could you apologize for shagging someone’s sister through a smile? I was attempting to, at least. 

“So, what did you do this weekend, Sollux?”

Admittedly, I was a fool for thinking she wouldn’t at least want the confirmation of it all, and the chance to publicly embarrass me. Everyone but Terezi and Vriska turned to me once more, and I half heartedly considered slamming my face into the table repeatedly until I simply blacked out.

“Well, I hung out with you guys on Friday, and then I just spent most of Saturday and Sunday at La Push.”

“That’s weird,” Feferi started, not messing with her hair anymore, and instead making an irritated expression. “I didn’t see you there, at all. Where were you?”

“The porch, and then the bathroom. I got sick.”

Karkat flashed me an unamused glance, and I ignored it silently. I silently began to wonder whether or not Karkat had told the group, or if he’d wanted me to tell them.

“Why’d you get sick..?”

“Just the smell, and music. I get migraines, so-”

“Oh, fucking please. Sollux was totally freaked, and just left like a wuss. I think it was his first fucking party, or something.” Karkat cut me off with a knowing nod, and I suddenly felt so… incredibly thankful. I didn’t even bother correcting the narrative, instead nodding embarrassingly.

“Yeah, yeah, you got me.”

Feferi made a surprised, and then pitiful expression in response. She didn’t stop asking me questions until lunch was over. Over the thirty or so minutes that passed the rest of the group stuck to their own conversations and only gave me half-glances every few seconds. Karkat stayed talking to us, and when I got up to throw away my tray, he followed.

  
  


"Thanks," I mumbled quietly once we were away from the table.

"For what?"

"Just… going on with that, I gueth.”

"No problem."

He looked at me with concern, but for once, it wasn’t in the way that meant I was going to be put in a straight jacket. It was genuine, and not offensive whatsoever. It was why I always preferred hanging out with other people, and not Karkat. He was too perceptive, and also far too blunt with stating exactly what he noticed. It wasn’t helpful when you were trying to keep something at bay — at the very least, other people simply deemed me a weirdo, or creep, and didn’t bother asking about it all. That was easier to get over than the probing questions.

“Are you okay, dude?”

I gave a subtle shrug, not really sure how to answer that. It wasn’t like I… had an answer. I didn’t understand my own headspace.

“No, not really,” I admitted sheepishly. “...but I’m getting better, I think.”

“That’s good.” Karkat mused, deciding he’d just take my honest enough answer for now. I was grateful for that, at least. “We missed you.”

Dave and Vriska walked by us now, and from the corner of my head, I could hear her whisper loudly “...joy, Sollux is back.” Somehow, I wasn’t that upset about it all, instead basking in the familiarity of it all. At least it was comfortable, and back to how it made sense. Karkat, on the other hand, rolled his eyes at them in annoyance, and then gave me a kind, encouraging smile. I felt myself sigh — it was as though everything was starting all over again, wasn’t it?

“What day is it today?” 

I suddenly asked out loud, and Karkat raised a brow, before responding.

“It’s October sixteenth, why?”

Huh. I supposed the irony was not lost in the situation whatsoever. Or… was it deja vu? I furrowed my brows in casual frustration as I tried to figure out which phrase suited the situation better, before Karkat interrupted me, this time more curious than before.

“What is it?”

“Nothing, it’s… just been seven months since I had my first day here.”

I mused quietly, and Karkat nodded, before turning his head back to Dave and Vriska — and then looked back to the table.

“Nothing’s changed much,” he muttered almost begrudgingly, and I smiled half-heartedly at it.

“I know, I… was just thinking the same thing.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
What the hell was I doing? I was some sort of masochist, surely. My actions made no sense whatsoever anymore, and as I picked up the box seated on the dining table directed to me, I looked around for my parent’s Seattle address scribbled in shitty sharpie on it. There was nothing. That… was strange, definitely. There was no return address on it, or name, for that matter. I shook it curiously, half expecting a pipe bomb — but there was nothing but a light, almost inaudible shuffling sound coming from inside. If… it was a bomb, it definitely would have exploded by then, right?

Well, my worries swam further and further down the lake of incomprehensibility as I tried to recall who exactly would have the means, or reason to send me a pipe bomb through FedEx. Likely, it was something I’d ordered, and forgotten about entirely. 

I opened it easily with a knife from the kitchen, before setting the knife down, and digging into the box. At the very least, there were no remnants of bombs, or… explosive material inside of it. There was nothing, it seemed, and I half expected this to be a prank before finally spotting the orange envelope that was practically bulging seated in the bottom of the box, and I blinked at it curiously, and then anxiously. The possibilities were crossed out far too soon, it seemed. 

I picked up the envelope carefully, examining it once more with wide eyes, careful to not open it. If it wasn’t some makeshift bomb, it had to be something equally annoying — it was chock full of bees, wasn’t it? That was the last I needed now, and while it was unrealistic to note that the bees would even  _ survive _ the mail and delivery process left in a shitty envelope which was then placed in a box, it made total sense to me. I pursed my lips as my eyes fell to a green logo plastered right on the top corner of the envelope, and then a scowl appeared on my face as I read the name of it, which was written in almost perfect cursive.

  
  


_ ‘Pacific Northwest Trust’.  _ That was strange, definitely. I’d never signed up for any funds, and definitely not to a company that hadn’t reached out beforehand… I stood up, with the envelope in hand, and trudged my way over to my bedroom. I ignored the sinking feeling growing in my gut as I opened the door to my room and set the envelope on my desk, taking my own seat in front of it, and turning on the computer. At the very least… I’d have an e-mail explaining the situation, I figured. I was searching for every excuse to not tie this to what I already figured it was, instead genuinely hoping… some strange trust fund had reached out. My grades were good, weren’t they?

My student e-mail was empty, save for a few reminders of assignments I had coming up — I’d finished them all, so they sat there, unopened and ignored — save for one message from an address I did not recognize, whatsoever. I furrowed my brows as I moved the cursor over to click on it, and open it.

The subject read ‘Pacific Northwest Trust, Scholarship Allocations Office’ and the address that had sent it simply read as ‘delta876’. I blinked furiously at it, suddenly offended at the fact that  _ whoever  _ had sent it was clearly under the impression that I was stupid. Of course, I was interacting with it… so clearly, they were right.

I read the contents of the message with obvious suspicion.

* * *

_ “Dear Mr. Captor, _

_ Allow me to apologize for the time it has taken to get this message to you, as you are a very difficult person to locate. If you were not made aware, once again, allow me to formally congratulate you on being awarded the Pacific Northwest Trust’s prestigious J. Nicholls Scholarship. This scholarship is awarded only infrequently — once every five years or so, for that matter… and you should feel proud that you have been bestowed with the honor of receiving it. _

_ There have been quite a few difficulties in awarding you with your monetary reward, but please do not concern yourself. I have taken it upon myself to give you the easiest method of receiving it, as to not concern you. Please find the enclosed envelope with the amount of twenty-five thousand dollars; the initial award, along with an extra five thousand, as we will be granting you with a monthly allowance as well. I would have sent a simple check instead, but the banks located around your area refuse to cash above a certain amount, and breaking checks is far too difficult — so, I apologize if that amount of money in cash is an inconvenience to you. _

_ Once again, I congratulate you on your rewards, and your incredible accomplishments. Please expect the best wishes from the entire Pacific Northwest Corporation throughout your entire scholastic career.  _

_ Sincerely, G. Delta” _

* * *

Anger was the only obvious reaction to that. I read it over again, and then once more, before exhaling sharply, and reaching for the overfilled envelope that was sitting right beside me. I opened it just to take a peek, and surely enough — fat stacks of bills, three exactly — bound neatly by rubber bands. This had to be a joke, right? I exhaled once more, this time out of more discomfort than anger, and looked at the envelope with narrowed eyes, before raising a hand to my temples, and pinching them.

Of course, thirty thousand dollars… was a lot of money. I could definitely do something with that, and it was clear it wasn’t from a scholarship fund whatsoever — any credibility in that story was dissolved like a pill in water with a single Google search of the company’s name.

However, I could… just leave it on my uncle’s bed, though he’d likely think I’d robbed a store, and promptly try to arrest me. My parents would only think the same, so giving it to anyone was an obvious no-go. Of course, I could also just blow it all… that’d be fun for a second, until I promptly regretted it, and then the fun was over. I stared at the envelope with hateful eyes, suddenly wishing there was a return address written on it. Of course, there wasn’t.

  
  


Of course, this seemed to never go my way, so why exactly was I surprised?

  
  


I could set it on fire, probably. I imagined myself, hovered over the sink, lighter in hand and the envelope and the  _ thirty thousand dollars  _ burning away to ash in the stainless steel enclosure, but I wasn’t really sure I could live with that either. Sending someone far too much money in the name of a ‘scholarship’ was absolutely ridiculous, but burning the money instead of making some use of it all was absolute insanity.

I rubbed at my temples rougher now, considering just how easy it’d be to cry about this, and lock away the money until I simply forgot it existed. Hell, how long had they even been trying to give me this? Had they found my bank account? Had they mailed more unbelievable checks my family had simply returned or thought were false? I didn’t blame them, in all honesty. It wasn’t everyday an eighteen year old social recluse received strange scholarships in the mail, with no real college to support the fact. My brain fizzled furiously at all the implications this gave me.

It… could be real, but it likely wasn’t. The website for it didn’t exist, and there was no real proof of any of these  _ prestigious  _ scholarships even existing before me. Dartmouth certainly hadn’t sent it, as that would’ve been far more obvious, and likely confirmed through phone calls.

This also meant if it… was  _ them,  _ they’d been reaching out for seemingly weeks, and I hadn’t paid attention to a single thing. Somehow, that part of this all made me more upset than them trying to force money I clearly didn’t need into my hands. Why couldn’t they just call? There was no reason for this all, honestly.

I frowned deeply, eyeing the envelope with more disdain than hatred, silently wondering why they couldn’t just… come over, and hand it to me. That would work better in their favor, wouldn’t it? At least then, I’d have some reason to accept it. This method of things was flat-out disrespectful, and I pressed the ‘reply’ button on the message.

I didn’t care much for coming off as professional, or mature. At the very least, if I sounded uneducated, they’d have more of a reason to accept the return of the money. I considered adding typos, but ignored it… for my own mental sanity.

* * *

_ “Dear G. Delta, _

_ I’m hoping you remember the lack of notice I have received on this matter, and the very suspicious lack of contact with my own personal bank account. My name is Sollux Captor, and you are clearly under the impression that I have received some prestigious — yet nonexistent — scholarship from a fund that does not exist. While I appreciate the money, I cannot accept this, and the utter lack of respect for my own personal decision on the matter, as well as the lack of communication with my school as well. _

_ I’m sorry, but I’m going to ask that you forward me a return address to send this envelope to, and you give this scholarship and the money to another student. If you had taken the time to look at my personal file, you’d see that I am not interested in attending college, and have no applications open to be receiving such.  _

_ Please do not contact me again unless you have addressed these conflicts with your company, and are ready to give me the address to return the awards. _

_ Thank you, S. Captor” _

  
  


* * *

I reread it twice, trying to see if it made sense and came off hostile enough… before pressing send, and closing the tab entirely. I didn’t need to focus on that now, though I almost wanted to, and see what amount of self-righteous bullshit they’d respond with. I wasn’t sure what sort of directions… Delta had received about the bogus scholarship, but my requests were clear enough, and there was no real loophole in them.

I thought of the various arguments I could use against them in court — though, of course, I would never let it get  _ that _ far — and frowned sharply at the fact that I was seriously left with nothing to do over this.

What could I even do now? There was no company, and no return address… I was at odds. The string that had been cut had returned now as I was sitting idle, waiting for their possible response or lack thereof in this situation. It was far more insulting than them tossing money over to me as though I was cheap, though that clearly wasn’t their intentions, and I was acutely aware of that. It was simply just insulting in every manner, and I was a little more than upset at the lack of communication surrounding it all, and the absolute audacity.

Still, what could I even do now? I had no address, and no way of tracing the e-mail. I could… try, but that would just be pointless. 

  
  


The frown on my face slowly relaxed as it finally hit me that I did in fact have one address.

  
  


I rushed down the stairs like a madman with the envelope in hand, shoving it into the FedEx box, and then scratching at the label with my name in it with the knife until it wasn’t legible. I didn’t want this being traced back to me, as ridiculous as it seemed. I closed it then, and trotted out of the house with the box at my side, grumbling in annoyance the entire time. This was absolutely ridiculous — was this even serious enough to ensue such a reaction? I didn’t have the answer as I opened my truck and tossed the box inside, taking my own seat, and starting it.

Backing out of the driveway, I silently promised myself that once the bikes were done, I’d do an extra reckless thing… as a form of revenge for this. They had no reason to string me along in their games after leaving me behind — and I had no real reason to let it affect me to this extent. I really was a masochist, wasn’t I? I hadn’t expected that from myself, though my actions simply proved otherwise.

I considered the chance of success tracing back the address where that e-mail was sent from had, and whether or not it was worth it to send a virus to it as I drove, frowning at the fact that every time I considered doing something shitty to damage their computer in a form of revenge, I instantly made an excuse for why  _ not _ to do it. They had a computer, didn’t they? Why exactly would I ruin it, instead of bothering them until they simply responded to my messages? Of course, there was also the off chance they’d take offense at my hostility in my e-mail, and cry about it instead of reaching out. I was fine with that outcome, at least.

I tried to ignore the slim, minuscule chance that this was some genuine company, and I was refusing this once in a lifetime offer. Of course… 

  
  


No, it was definitely them.

  
  


I hated every second of the drive as I passed by the gloomy trees surrounding the driveway, and the unkempt grass poking from every corner, and spilling onto the slabs of stone that led to the front door. The ferns hanging from the tree spilled into the driveway, and I drove over them with little to no care — definitely leaving a trail of broken stems behind the truck. I tried to ignore hyperfocusing on every single detail of it all… the nightmares would definitely be fierce tonight, but it was impossible to. I parked right at the end of the driveway, beside the stones leading to the front door, and inhaled shakily as I grabbed the box, and opened the door.

I silently wished for the zombie to return, at least for now. Walking up the stone with a neutral expression was impossible, now that the neutrality was long wasted. I ignored looking through the long floor to ceiling windows as I stopped right at the door, and knocked harshly. Of course, the house was dead… empty inside. It was dark, all the furniture left exactly where it’d once been, but there was no life whatsoever to it. I knocked harder now, not caring enough about whether or not I could break the glass. 

“Eridan, open the fucking door!” I yelled, not really concerned about whether or not my voice would echo through the miles of forest surrounding the house, and disturb any of the neighbors. That was incredibly unlikely. I stuck my face to the peep hole on the door, trying to glance into it, before knocking once more. “I know you’re in there!”

Frankly, I didn’t. For all I knew, they were really in California, and only doing this to fuck with me. I stared at the package now, gripping it hard enough to bend the box inwards, but still, I couldn’t find it in me to just abandon it right at the front porch. That… was definitely almost… no, on par with burning it. I sighed, not really sure where to direct my anger now that nobody was answering the door, and stared down at the box for another second. Maybe… I could keep it. Donate it, or something. I could probably buy a house, or whatever. I thought bitterly of donating anonymously to a good cause — a charity for people with diseases of the blood, at least. 

I turned to make my way back to the truck, before stopping right in my tracks, and shaking my head subtly. No, this wasn’t fair. They had  _ no  _ right to put me in this situation, and God fucking damnit, it was  _ their _ money. They were going to keep it. If it got stolen off of their porch, how was that my problem in the slightest? It wasn’t, they had forced that worry onto me. Even then, it wasn’t like they were going to return to the house anytime soon, so…

I turned sharply, and heaved the box towards the door as hard as I possibly could.

I’d… never had the best aim. The box hit the floor to ceiling window at a certain angle near the top that made the entire thing collapse, only a few remnants of glass hanging from the top of the rim, though they’d likely fall down too. Eventually. 

I almost felt bad, but the anxiety wavered off immediately after I reminded myself that this was  _ their _ fault. They’d given me something I did not want, and I was simply returning their property. If it had come with the cost of their front window, that wasn’t really my problem in the slightest. Besides, the sound of the glass shattering was sort of cool… in a twisted way. It was a rush, at least.

I didn’t really convince myself, but I still got back in the truck, took it out of neutral, and drove away regardless. They’d done this to themselves, and this was as close to me sending the money back where it came from as I could possibly get. At least, now I had a convenient drive up… hole for me to leave next month’s installment. It was the least I deserved.

  
  


I rethought it all a hundred times as I drove back home, but it was all… pointless, in a way. I considered the possibility of getting arrested for the vandalism, but that was more… funnier, than anything. I was more surprised with the fact that I hadn’t gotten arrested for something of the sort beforehand.

  
  


What truly messed with me was the lack of presence in the house. It was… dead. That was the easiest way to describe it. It was cold and dead… absolutely uninviting, like it’s prior inhabitants. However, that wasn’t true — the inhabitants were warm and welcoming, and now the house was a simple unattended graveyard. 

I wondered quietly whether or not a lack of furniture would’ve made me feel better, but I wasn’t sure anymore. Did it matter? It was all gone, as though they’d never existed. Eridan had certainly kept their promise, at the very least. I frowned deeper than before, and ignored the heat rising in my face at the thought of it all. 

Everything had remained, left alone, and unforgotten. None of the possessions were tied to them whatsoever, as sick as the thought made me, and they were all simply forgotten. The town as a whole had already forgotten they’d existed, and the state of their… abandoned home made it far worse. I should have been expecting this, but I didn’t. It was a cold shift, a smack in the fact from reality, and I shivered instinctively at the similarities of it all.

  
  


Everything remained behind them, untouched and forgotten — just like me.

  
  


I took the opposite turn on the red light, turning my back on the emptiness that was threatening to consume me once more at the dawning reality of the entire situation. I was anxious now. Anxious to be gone… anxious to return to the human world, away from Eridan, and the cold. Far away from them. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to disappear — I wanted to see Equius. I tried to ignore the possibility that I was developing another pathetic addiction, and codependency. It was like the numbness before, but instead, I was becoming addicted to the feeling of not worrying about it all. I wasn’t sure I cared anymore, in all honesty.

A clearer head was better than… that, and Equius was a silver lining in a cold, miserable world. I was sure I’d racked up enough karma to at least deserve a semblance of light in this all.

Equius was waiting for me on his front porch, and my chest instantly relaxed the second I saw him. It was definitely an addiction. I exhaled happily at the sight of him, hopping out of the truck and locking it, before waving at his dad through the window, and pulling down my sleeves as I walked over to him.

“Hey,” I started, but Equius cut the distance between us, and gave me a subtle nod towards the garage.

“Let’s get to work.”

He sounded eager, and that in turn managed to relax my remaining nerves. I exhaled shakily though, and the smile falling onto my face felt… unnatural. Welcomed, but unnatural.

“You aren’t thick of me yet?”

He thought about it for a second, looking upwards as he crossed his arms, before simply shrugging, and giving me a toothy grin. “No.”

“Well, let me know if I start getting annoying with it all. I don’t want to be a pain.”

“Sollux, if you got on my nerves, I would have already stopped answering the door.”

It was my turn to laugh now, agreeing with him as we walked towards the garage, and then stopped right at the entrance. The red bike was standing now, looking like a proper motorcycle instead of jagged pieces of metal, and I stared at it in partial awe, and partial envy.

“Holy thit.”

He laughed again, crimson flush rising to his cheeks. "I get… a little obsessive when I have a project." He shrugged. Then, he raised his hand to the back of neck, and scratched at it anxiously. "If I had any brains I'd drag it out a little bit."

I raised my eyebrows curiously at that. 

“Why?”

He looked down sheepishly, pausing for so long that I wondered if he hadn't heard my question, and I genuinely felt bad. Finally, he looked up sympathetically, and asked me, "Sollux, if I told you that I couldn't fix these bikes, what would you say?"

I blinked, but didn’t answer right away. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Equius glancing upwards to check my expression, and I struggled to come up with a comprehensible answer. 

“Well, I would say…” I paused for a moment, shrugging. “...That’s too bad, but you can use the scrap metal for another project, I’m sure we’ll find something better to do.”

Equius’s shoulders relaxed at that, and he looked at me with a genuinely happy expression. 

“So, you’ll still come over when the bikes are done?”

“Is that what you were wondering?” I thought outloud. “I guess... I am taking advantage of your very underpriced mechanical skills. But as long as you let me come over, I'll be here. Besides, we sort of… have to hang out with Nepeta eventually, she’s going to think I’m stealing you.”

“She already does,” he mused quietly, and I chuckled in response.

“Well, you got me there.”

It was his turn to chuckle now. "You really like spending time with me?" he asked, marveling.

I frowned at his wonder over the situation — did he really dislike himself that much? 

"Fuck yeah. And I'll prove it. I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday we'll do something  non...mechanical."

"Like what?"

"I... have no idea. We can go to my place so you won't feel like I’m crashing at your place all the time, or something. You could bring your schoolwork — you have to be getting behind, because I know I am."

It was a total lie, and I’d been caught up with everything, but Equius smiled at the proposition, and nodded as though he was a puppy.

"Homework might be a good idea." He made a face, and I wondered how much he was leaving undone to aid my reckless endeavors.

"Yes," I agreed. "We'll have to start being responsible occasionally, or Nepeta and Daniel aren't going to be so easy going about this." I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity, and suppressed my obvious discomfort with how he beamed at that. He liked the idea of us being a single item, then. 

"Homework once a week?" he proposed.

"Maybe we'd better go with twice," I suggested, thinking of the fact that he had to be behind if he’d gotten that much done with the bike… and two was better than one.

He sighed a heavy sigh, but didn’t object whatsoever. Then he reached over his toolbox to a paper grocery sack. He pulled out two cans of soda, cracking one open and handing it to me. He opened the second, and held it up ceremoniously.

"Well, I don’t have a choice in the matter… so, here’s to responsibility," he toasted. "Twice a week."

"And recklessness every day in between," I emphasized.

He grinned widely, and touched his can to mine.

  
  


I got home later than I'd planned and found cold pizza waiting on the dinner table for me. 

  
  


I didn’t complain though, instead grabbing it with a sigh, and chewing absentmindedly as I made my way upstairs, and into my bedroom. I’d shower and brush my teeth later… probably. I sat in front of my desk again, checking my personal e-mail first, and not so surprisingly, there was a long one from my mother. She’d been gushing over every single detail of my life I informed her of in my last message, and I would have complained over her overbearing nature — but I took the free distraction that was describing my day to her… minus the motorcycles, and the blatant vandalism. She’d definitely object to those choices of mine.

Though, as entertaining as talking to her was… I knew I didn’t go on a rant about Calculus out of my own accord. I was ignoring checking the student e-mail, and the potential messages… or lack thereof, once again, that would be waiting for me. I regretted not just calling them out on their bullshit there, before I sent the hostile message. I regretted not pocketing the money, and I regretted only breaking the window, and not camping out at the house instead. My choices were definitely stupid, and while they made perfect sense at the time… it took hanging out with Equius to realize how ridiculous I’d been about it all.

  
  


I inhaled as I logged in, and didn’t release the breath until the page loaded, and my inbox was fully visible. Of course, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting.

  
  


I stared at the empty inbox, suddenly very tired, before clicking on the sent mail panel, and scrolling to where the e-mail from earlier sat. I opened it up, and clicked ‘forward’, but not before leaving another message.

* * *

_ “Hey, Eridan. Don’t bother sending me the return address, I already figured it out.” _

* * *

  
  


I hesitated over the ‘send’ button, before finally pressing it, and exhaling loudly as I did. Of course, I could have…  _ should _ have sent something nicer, preferably… asking about their day, but there was no point in that. They could have put all that effort into reaching out, instead of wasting their money. I didn’t see the logic in any of their current choices, nor did I care enough to figure it out… for now. My head was clear, thank the heavens, and I planned to take total advantage of that.

* * *

School on Tuesday was… alright, at least. It had its ups and downs, but it wasn’t anything impossibly hard to get over. At the very least, Terezi and John were eager to welcome me back into the friend group and ignore the months of anti-social, borderline psychopathic behavior… Feferi and Dave were on the fence over it all, and I quietly wondered whether or not they’d need some sort of handwritten apology.

Karkat was more animated at work, now that I wasn’t a cracking shell. He’d saved up an entire semester’s worth of talk, specifically the gossip I’d been out of the loop with… John had eyes for Vriska, Dave was sleeping with John’s cousin — without John being aware of the fact, Feferi had come out to her parents, Terezi finally started applying to law colleges around the state — the new girl, Rose, even struck up a bond with Terezi. I’d missed a lot, it seemed. I pursed my lips as I listened to it all.

Still, I was able to laugh, and give my own opinions on certain situations. I found that it was somewhat entertaining, though not nearly as natural with Equius… but it was manageable, and it seemed harmless enough, until it was closing time. Karkat put the ‘closed’ sign on the window as I folded the shared apron and set it under the desk, and then, he turned to me.

“You’re doing better,” he remarked happily, and I tried to ignore the splotchy red rising to my neck as a result of the praise. Of course, I’d been feeling it… but, having it be noticed by the family equivalent of your best friend felt a little good.

“Yeah,” 

“So,” he started, now suddenly awkward, and I poked my head from under the counter to look up at him. “...the group and I were thinking, since you’re… up and better, well, we’re going to some shitty movie regardless, so,”

“You guys are inviting me? That’s…” I paused as I stood up, and tried to figure out the proper word. “...fucking adorable.”

Karkat’s eyes widened, and then he frowned sharply, and rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s real fucking cute, Captor.” he crossed his arms. “...Are you going or not?”

“When is it?”

“Next week, Friday night.”

“Cool, sure. Count me in.”

Karkat and I walked to our respective cars, and while I took the longer roads home to blast the radio and bask in the music, he was already parked, and asleep by the time I’d gotten home.

  
  


* * *

The next day, Nepeta didn’t seem to be the slightest bit surprised when she got home late from practice, and walked in on Equius and I sitting in the living room with plates beside us, and books scattered along the carpet. I’d spent the last two hours helping him with all the math work he didn’t understand, and as a result, he helped me learn the names of some of the parts of a motorcycle. 

Still, her eyes wavered to the kitchen, and after she came back with a plate of the lasagna my aunt had quickly thrown in the oven hours prior — we put the books away, and watched some ridiculous zombie movie her classmates had been raving about. Equius stayed for dinner, and then some, and took a plate home for his dad… not before adding another three years to my negotiable age for understanding geometry.

  
  


Friday was the garage, and Saturday, after my shift at work, was homework again. My aunt and uncle felt secure enough to leave the house for a date. By the time they got back, we were already done, and Equius had memorized the square root of pi — and, we’d cooked dinner for Karkat and Nepeta as well… though it only got one more year added to my age. We were pretty proud of ourselves about the whole thing, and were casually watching  _ Monster Garage _ on the living room tv.

Once they said their goodnight and went upstairs, Equius stood up, and stretched in an exaggerated motion, before yawning.

“...I’d probably ought to go, it’s later than I thought.”

“Okay, fine.” I grumbled, before standing up as well, and switching the channel off. “I’ll take you home.”

He seemed pleased enough by my reaction, but once we were in the safety of the truck I furrowed my brows at him.

“Tomorrow, back to work. I’ve given you too many break days.”

There was an unexplained excitement in his answering smile as he nodded once. "Tomorrow for sure, I'll call you first, okay?"

"Sure." I frowned as I started the ignition, and backed out of the driveway. Something was clearly up, but I wasn’t sure whether or not to bother asking about it. Equius only smiled wider, and I found myself smiling as well.

  
  


I cleaned my room after I drove back home, and tried to not think of the change in my nightmare the next morning. Last night I'd wandered in a wide sea of ferns intertwined with huge hemlock trees… there was nothing else there, and I was lost, wandering aimless and alone, searching for nothing. Still, the horror and anxiety of it all was dissipating. It was more casual, at least… just uncomfortable. I wanted to beat myself up for the impromptu field trip the week before, but it seemed my brain had already subconsciously taken up the task, so there was no real need to.

By the time I was showered and my hair was dry, the phone rang downstairs, and I answered it quickly.

“Hello?”

“Sollux,” Equius started, his voice thick and formal… heavy with implication. I ignored the pit of discomfort forming in my stomach at his tone as he continued to speak. “...I believe… we have a  _ date. _ ”

It took me a second to understand what he was hinting towards, before I finally got it, and gasped in surprise.

“Holy shit, they’re fucking done?”

“Yup, they run and everything.”

Holy hell, EQ was definitely a gift from the Gods… what perfect timing and all, seriously. I needed a distraction from the stranger nightmares, and looming feelings of absolute nothingness.

“Equius, you are literally the best, most talented, and fucking great person I know. You get… like twenty fucking years for this one, seriously.”

“That’s great! I’m finally middle-aged now.”

I laughed in response, smiling at his eager tone, and how he literally got like an excited puppy with the smallest amount of praise.

“I’m on my way now!”

I hung up and grabbed my jacket, slipping on my boots as I grabbed my keys from the pocket, and opened the front door. My uncle had left to work early, as always, so there was nobody to question me, which I was sort of thankful for. At least, my family had learned to figure that I was either at work or at Equius’s now, so they definitely didn’t think I’d disappeared, or had gotten kidnapped.

I started the car quickly, far too eager for today, and drove off even faster than that. I had no idea what exactly had decided to place Equius in my path, but I was definitely going to take advantage of every second I had to be absolutely... positively stupid with the kid.

* * *


	24. Fourth Wheel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, huh?

* * *

I parked my truck to the side of the Zahhak house, closer to the trees where we’d snuck the bikes past last time. Equius’s father wasn’t outside, nor peeking out the window, so I figured I’d arrived early enough to where he was still asleep. If that was the case, Equius had timed this all perfectly; I had to give him props. I stepped out of the truck, closing the door behind me, and two bright colors instantly caught my eye. The fixed bikes — which looked absolutely brand new, mind you — were hidden under a spruce, but the shiny red, and glossy blue still showed through the green. As if to add some sort of ‘touch’ to them, there was a blue, tiny piece of ribbon tied into a bow attached to each of the handlebars. I was actually laughing at that when Equius finally came out of the house.

“Ready?” He was jogging to me, his voice low, and eyes sparkling. He had those sunglasses I hadn’t seen in months attached to his shirt, and I looked behind him; there was no sign of his father anywhere.

“Yeah.”

Or well, I was  _ sure _ I was. I wasn’t nearly as excited for the riding part of things, even though I’d been on motorcycles before. I didn’t need to imagine myself on them, I already knew how it’d look… but it still made my stomach flip anxiously. Equius lifted the bikes onto the bed of my truck with no issue, laying them on their side carefully so they wouldn’t show. I wondered silently if we’d need some sort of blanket over them, but as we walked away from the bed of the truck, they really weren’t visible at all. 

“Let’s go,” Equius started as I got into the driver’s seat, and he got into the passenger seat. I started up the truck and then drove back onto the road. “I know the perfect spot, nobody will even bother driving there. Discreet.”

I drove south out of town, listening closely to Equius’s directions. The dirt road wove in and out of the alien forest — sometimes there was nothing but miles and miles of intertwined trees, and then suddenly, poking through it all, there would suddenly be an amazing glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, reaching to the horizon, dark gray under the clouds. We were above the shore, on top of the cliffs that bordered the beach here and the view seemed to stretch on forever. I leaned forward to the windshield, carefully looking out for any stray bump or rock that would cause me to lose control of the truck. There was none, but it helped ease my nerves.

I was driving slowly now, so that I could safely stare out across the ocean now and then, as the road wound closer to the edge of the cliff — I pursed my lips anxiously, trying to ignore how  _ easy _ it would be to veer off to the side, and submerge the truck into a watery demise. Equius, on the other hand, was unbothered by all of it, and didn’t even notice the slight tremble in my hands. He was talking about finishing the bikes, and how easy it’d actually been; he couldn’t believe someone would throw out a Harley over some rust… however, his descriptions were bordering on technical, so I stopped paying attention.

  
  


That was when I noticed the figures… four of them, standing over the ledge of the highest cliff, far off in the distance. I squinted at them, though I wasn’t able to see much of anything. My vision was already not so great, and with the fog today and the cold irritating my eyes — the most I was able to see was that there was four of them, they were seemingly roughhousing, and they were… either wearing shirts the exact color of their skin, or the psychopaths were only in shorts today. 

I watched as the tallest one of the group pulled away from the rest of them then, and took a step closer to the brink. I slowed the truck then, examining them more closely, with my foot hesitating over the brake.

Then, they threw themselves off the cliff.

“Holy thit!” I practically shouted, surprising even myself as I stomped onto the brake, and the car halted instantaneously. I opened the door of the truck, getting out of it and slamming it behind me.

“Woah, what’s wrong?” Equius was shouting now as well, not as loud as I just had — he stepped out of the truck right after I had, following me over to where I now stood… across the road, staring right at the cliff. Then he looked up as well… and  _ laughed. _

I snapped my head back to him, giving him a disgusted expression as I furrowed my brows — how was this funny? This person had just jumped off a cliff, they could be seriously hurt… how could he be so disgustingly cold-blooded?

“They’re just cliff-diving, Sollux… recreationally.” 

He explained with a sigh, a slight note of irritation on his words. I frowned, and stared ahead as a second figure from the group stepped closer to the edge now, and then… very… gracefully leaped into the water. They fell for what seemed like hours, before finally breaking into the mess of grey waves, and sinking far below. After what seemed like another hour, their head finally broke through the waves once more, and they gave a ‘woop’.

“Cliff-diving?” I repeated the words, half dazed. If I had known  _ that _ was a thing you could do here, I wouldn’t have even bothered with the bikes — Equius only shrugged. “...Wow, that’s just… fucking high.”

"Well, yeah, most of us jump from lower down, that rock that juts out from the cliff about halfway." He pointed at the second, shorter rock at around the half point of the main cliff, and… yeah, it seemed way more reasonable. “...I don’t really know why’d they jump from over a hundred feet, or whatever. Probably showing off — I mean... really, it's freezing today. That water can't possibly feel good.”

Equius gave an offended expression as he spoke, and I was taken aback by it. Honestly, I’d thought it was impossible to offend Equius. His cool, patient demeanor was to blame — I was the type to fume angrily, stomp and complain before actively going to fix the issue — he sat there, even through the anger, and went over each logical course of action multiple times. In retrospect, of course something as reckless as diving from  _ that _ height would offend him.

“You jumped off the cliff?” I questioned his words, specifically the ‘us’ part. I didn’t expect that from Equius, either. To me, he acted as though he was forty in the body of a teenage boy… though, he did agree to help me with my reckless endeavor to begin with. I was giving him way too much credit right now.

"Sure, sure." He shrugged and grinned, laughing subtly. "It's fun… a tad scary, kind of a rush."

I looked back at the cliffs, where the third figure was pacing the edge. I ran a hand through my hair, and narrowed my eyes curiously. Admittedly… I'd never witnessed anything so reckless in all my life. My eyes widened behind my glasses, and I smiled. "EQ, you have to take me cliff diving."

He turned back to me, and frowned deeply, his face disapproving entirely. "Sollux, you just thought Nihkee jumped to her death," he reminded me. I blinked, surprised that he could tell who it was from this distance.

“Still, I want to try.” I mumbled, almost like a child — though it was definitely me trying to convince myself that cliff-diving was safe, and totally rational. I wasn’t just seeking the most obvious death trap to pass off as a simple rush. No, I only wanted pure adrenaline and total fun. This… obviously wasn’t a very clear death wish. I was incredibly fine. I looked up at the cliff now, examining it closely, and Equius huffed sharply, before running his own hand through his hair, and exhaling.

“Fine, I’ll take you soon, but… at least wait until it’s warmer out.”

“Okay, cool. Soon.”

“Soon.” Equius crossed his arms, and I was certain he was rolling his eyes under those sunglasses. “You’re very strange, you know that, right?”

I sighed now, not even bothering to be insulted. I was used to that, at the very least. “Yeth.”

“...and, we’re not jumping off the top, Sollux.”

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket, pressing my lips into a thin line as I stared ahead. The third figure, shorter than the rest, made a running start and then flung themselves farther into the empty air than the first two. It made sense, honestly — they did seem the lightest. Their body twisted in the air, totally breathless and  _ free _ — I shifted my weight onto my heels in an attempt to hide my obvious jealousy. They were free of any responsibility as they cartwheeled into the air… utterly free and totally irresponsible. I swallowed sharply.

“Fine,” I agreed, and then furrowed my brows. “Not the first time, at least.”

Equius snorted now, obviously annoyed with my insistence. That wasn’t new, honestly. He sighed, and crossed his arms.

“Are we going to try the bikes now?”

He spoke in a demanding tone. 

“Okay, okay.” I said, turning my head away from the now empty cliff, and the crashing waves miles below it. Instead, I turned entirely to face Equius, who had walked off to the back of the truck to take down the bikes. I crossed the street idly, staring as he set them upwards.. The engine was still running, roaring as it idled. Had I forgotten to turn off the truck? Most likely, in my panic. “...so, who were those people on the cliff?”

He exhaled in blatant annoyance, as if me being curious about them was the worst possible thing ever. “They’re… they call themselves the ‘La Push Gang’,” he made air quotes with his fingers, and I raised a brow.

“You guys… have a gang.”

I wasn’t sure whether it was the funniest thing I’d heard, or the most impressive one. I was almost curious to see how the gangs here differed from the ones in Seattle… or Port Angeles, apparently. Equius noticed my expression, and rolled his eyes.

“Not… like, a typical gang. They just keep the peace, like… hall monitors on steroids,” he snorted, before raising his hand to brush his loose strands of hair back. “...there was this guy, somewhere from another city, big guy — scary looking, too. Well, word got around that he was trying to sell meth to the kids, and Nihkee Moolah and her disciples practically ran him out of town. They’re all about… our land, and tribal pride, and all that. It’s not bad, as a hobby, I suppose… but now the council is starting to take them seriously too… it’s getting a little odd.”

“Nihkee… that’s the girl that jumped off, right?”

“You’re still going on about the cliff?” Equius shook his head subtly, as if astounded by my mental priorities. “...Yes, her, Amisia, and Galekh. I mean, Zebruh says the council literally meets with Nihkee. They call themselves ‘protectors’ or something of the sort.”

His fists were balled now, as if he wanted to hit something. I swallowed dryly, trying to ignore the frustration in his face. I hadn’t seen this side of Equius before, but I also really wasn’t sure what else had happened for the mention of them to harbor such a reaction. I kept my hands in my pockets, and turned back to the cliff, squinting towards it once more.

“That was Galekh?” I turned once more to Equius, and almost regretted asking. He wasn’t nearly as angry anymore… more… resigned. He frowned, his eyebrows pulling up in a way that looked sad and worried rather than angry. He didn’t look like he wanted to hit anything now, either.

“Yes. He’s… been avoiding me lately.” He exhaled, and relaxed his shoulders as he stood beside the bikes. “I think I’d be fine with just that, though. How he — all of them treat me, it just… creeps me out. You know, we’re all supposed to be equals, it’s what they  _ taught _ us, and yet… they look at my dad and I like… we’re the leaders, or something. Especially my dad. I guess it’d never bothered me before, it has it’s obvious benefits, but now… it’s showing. Nihkee especially. She keeps on paying special attention to me, like… she’s expecting me to join her… gang or something. Way more attention than any of the other guys, and it’s not… weird, either. She’s my cousin, but… it’s just… freaky. I’m not the biggest fan of it.”

Equius’s voice trailed off, and I furrowed my brows angrily. I wasn’t truly angry, I didn’t know the situation, but it was definitely… weird. It was clearly upsetting him, too, and I wasn’t exactly sure what to say of it all. “...You don’t have to join anything, especially if it’s making you that uncomfortable.” My voice sounded angry, though.

“I’ll be fine, I guess. The Galekh part is what bothers me the most.”

“You have been hanging out with me a lot,” I reminded him as I reached over for the bike that was mine, and stared it down. It suddenly looked intimidating — frightening. Worst was the realization that I’d be riding it pretty soon.

“Happy late birthday, are you ready for this?” I nodded silently, and Equius gave a small smile. “...We’ll take it slow, don’t worry. And — no, it’s not just me. It’s everyone, Zebruh too. I mean, they were… my closest friends. They started hanging out more with Nihkee, and suddenly, I’m like… some sort of ghost. It’s pretty strange, we  _ all _ had the week where we skipped school and got… sick,” He spoke with a strange tone, as if he was trying to hint at something. I wasn’t sure whether or not I understood it, but I definitely remembered the time he had gotten mono. “...but, they both start ignoring me, and suddenly this week, they’re both a part of Nihkee’s gang, and well, you saw Galekh on the cliff today. Zebruh hated them, I’m not quite sure what is going on.”

“Well, maybe they just… liked them better. No offense.”

Equius chuckled. “None taken. There’s more to it, ridiculous stuff that’s not… important, I guess, but maybe that really just is it. I was boring, or something.” His smile faltered for a second, and I was definitely sure that was something he was insecure about. Still, he exhaled once, and then brought his hands together, and clapped them.

“So, are we going to ride, or what?”

“Let’s do it,” I agreed, forcing my own smile onto my face. His discomfort and insecurity reminded me of why I was here.

  
  


I sat on the bike, resting my legs on either side, trying to find a proper way to shift my weight — true to Equius’s words, it did seem steady enough to stand on its own should I lift my legs. It was comfortable, too. Not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. It felt thick between my hands, and I gave the handle and experimental squeeze. 

“Okay, where’s your clutch?”

I pointed to the lever on my left handlebar, keeping the bike steady with one hand. I was definitely heavy enough to where it didn’t wobble, at least. My feet were firmly planted onto the ground on either side, which helped too. Equius nodded, and I pulled my hand away, grabbing the handle once more. 

“Now, where’s your brake?”

This was easier than I figured, in all honesty. It was just… a car, but shaped like a bicycle. I positioned my foot to where the brake should be, but to my surprise Equius shook his head, and knelt over to my side. 

“Wrong. Don’t use the back brake for now,” He grabbed my hand, and wrapped my fingers around the throttle. I frowned in confusion, already going to argue about this, but Equius started speaking again. “This is the brake you want, for now. You’re a beginner, and the back brake is for… seasoned riders.”

“But, you said-”

“I know what I said,” He wrapped his hand around mine, making me squeeze the lever down. It was easy to remember, at the very least. Still, I felt angry at the fact that I thought it’d be easy. I squeezed it down once more experimentally. “...good. That’s how you brake. Don’t forget.”

“Cool.” I didn’t bother hiding the childish bitterness in my voice.

“Throttle?”

I twisted the right grip in my hand, frowning deeper when Equius gave an approving nod.

“Gearshift?”

I nudged it with my left leg, and he smiled.

“Good. That should be all the decently important parts. Now… you just have to get it moving.”

“Oh, fucking great.” I muttered under my breath, going over the parts one my time in my head — and then twice more. My stomach was doing somersaults, and for some reason, I felt genuinely terrified. It was easy to hide behind a stoic expression, but I swallowed dryly, and bit at the inside of my lip. Silently, I hoped I didn’t crash into anything, and I hoped none of my piercings got caught into anything. I’d heard horror stories of lips and noses being torn in half… I shuddered audibly, and Equius raised a brow.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” I managed, staring ahead at the long stretch of road. It looked longer, now that I was on the bike.

“Okay…” He started, obviously concerned. “I want you to hold down the clutch.”

I wrapped my fingers around the clutch, already getting some flashbacks from how exactly to operate one of these things.

“Now this part is very important. Don’t let go of that, alright? Pretend I’ve handed you a live grenade; the pin is out… and you’re holding the spoon.”

I nodded through gritted teeth. Why was I so tense? I squeezed the clutch tighter.

“Good. Do you think you can kick-start it?”

“Uh, sure, where is it again?”

Equius moved to answer, but before he could, I slammed my foot down to the pedal of the bike. There was a short yet loud roaring noise, but it cut off quickly, and I returned my foot to the side of the bike before it fell over. 

“Damn.”

He nodded in agreement, staring at the bike with narrowed eyes, before furrowing his brows, and pursing his lips.

  
  


“Okay, try again.”

  
  


It took two more tries before the ignition caught, and the bike started rumbling properly. It vibrated under me like an angry animal, and I gripped to the clutch tighter in discomfort. This wasn’t very reckless, as of now. Just… boring. 

“The throttle,” he suggested. “Very lightly. Don’t let go of the clutch.”

I twisted the right handle gently, not even really touching it, and then the bike snarled beneath me. It was louder, now. Angrier too. If I heard this noise coming from the woods, I’d have assumed it was the bear everyone was talking about. Equius, on the other hand, smiled in satisfaction. I supposed that meant the bike was working.

“Okay, do you remember how to put it in first gear?”

“First thing you taught me,” I reminded him.

“Alright, well, do it.”

I followed his instructions, and he stayed still for a few seconds, before looking closely at me.

“Left foot.”

“I know,” I frowned, and took a deep breath through my nostrils.

“Are… you positive you want to do this?”

“I’m fine.”

He nodded, and took a step away from the bike. I looked up at him, confused, before realizing this was the part where I had to drive. Great.

“Now, very gently, ease up on the clutch.”

“You want me to let go of the grenade?” I looked up at him in disbelief now. No wonder he was taking a step back. Still, I supposed I had to ride my two-wheeled death machine eventually.

“That’s how you drive, Sollux.”

“Fine.”

I followed his instruction, albeit hesitantly. As I began to loosen my grip, I was… surprised to hear a voice that  _ didn’t  _ belong to the boy standing beside me. 

_ “This is reckless, absolutely childish, an’ idiotic, Sollux.” _

I furrowed my brows, absolutely shocked.

“What the fuck?” I muttered through my teeth, low enough for Equius to not be able to hear it, but I didn’t notice the bike start, and I didn’t notice when I let go of the clutch entirely. “Oh!”

The bike bucked forward under me, before coming to a sudden halt when my legs shifted to the side, and then it collapsed to the ground. With me on top of it. I sat up quickly, brushing the asphalt off of my jeans, and ran a shaky hand through my hair, before breaking into a fit of laughter. The growling engine slowed to a stop, and Equius was at my side within a second.

_ “I told you so.” _

The perfect, honey voice rang through my head in a mocking tone — absolutely crystal clear.

“Sollux?” Equius shook at my shoulder insistently, and I looked up… somewhat dazed, but still laughing. Had I zoned off? Most likely, judging by the very worried expression on his face. “Are you hurt?”

“‘m fine,” I mumbled, dazed. I finally slowed my laughter after a few seconds, instead groaning at the sudden pang of pain in my chest… though it wasn’t from the bike. Still, I was fine. More than fine. Their voice was back in my head now, floating like some buoy of hope on top of crashing waves — the analogy made no sense, but I’d never had auditory hallucinations before, so I gave myself an excuse… for now. I wanted to hear them now, again. I wanted to hear them constantly, until their voice drowned out every single thought I could have. However, I wasn’t even sure what triggered that… there was no familiarity here, and going to the forest hadn’t done the trick. I turned my head back to the bike Equius was standing up, glaring at it numbly. There was no deja vu in this street, nothing that reminded me of them… I felt the sudden adrenaline coursing through my veins once more, and I was positive I had the answer.

  
  


I stood up, and brushed the dirt off of my jeans once more. It was some combination of adrenaline… recklessness, or stupidity. I could work with that.

  
  


“Did you hit your head?” Equius asked, still worried.

“No, I’m good.” I shifted back and forth on my heels, before finally standing straight, and walking back to the bike. “I didn’t fuck it up, did I?”

“No, you just stalled the engine.” Equius stated, before glancing at the bike once more. “Just let go of the clutch too fast.”

“Oh,” I was anxious to go again. It was a definite impulse, now that I  _ heard _ them. Therapy was out of the question for sure now… the adrenaline was coursing through my veins. Being reckless had paid off far more than I thought it would. Fuck cheating — if I was awarded with hallucinations for simply being stupid, I’d be doing the stupidest shit I could ever dream of until it was second nature. “Let’s try again.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

This time, the bike took a little longer to kick-start. I had to slam my foot down six times before it finally roared to life, but I remembered to hold onto the clutch tightly. I smiled wide enough to where it mirrored Equius’s now, but for entirely different reasons. I revved the throttle experimentally.

“Easy on the clutch,” Equius reminded me, and I nodded eagerly.

I let go of it slower now, less than a centimeter a second. It was more of testing the waters, in a sense. The voice returned.

_ “So you w-want to kill yourself, then? Is that w-what this is about?” _

The voice spoke harshly, this time almost judgmental. The audacity. Still, I smiled widely. It was working. I ignored the questions; Equius wasn’t going to let anything too bad happen to me. If something serious happened… it was me looking for it. This was all my idea, after all.

_ “Go home, Sollux. This is ridiculous.” _

The voice was ordering me, now. Still, I couldn’t help but be taken aback by the sheer beauty of it. No, it was definitely not real. I was proud of my memory for at least remembering it — I couldn’t lose this voice, no matter the risks it would take to preserve it.

“Now, ease off slowly.” Equius encouraged me, and I nodded.

“Sure.” I responded quickly. I frowned silently at the fact that I was mostly answering them, not him.

The velvet voice in my head growled in time with the roar of the motorcycle, but I simply ignored it. I followed Equius’s instructions, now relaxing my hand by tiny — but decent degrees. The bike moved forward once, but I kept my composure steady. The gear caught, and I was then lurched forward.

  
  


And then, I was flying.

  
  


By some surprise, I hadn’t fallen off my ass. No, I was actually driving the death machine now. There was wind surrounding me now, wind that wasn’t there before. It pushed against my face, blowing my hair back, and rang through my ears; I kept my eyes narrowed forward, and my lips firmly pressed. Still, I couldn’t hide the smile that plastered onto my face as I moved forward. I wasn’t anxious now… how could I be? I was sure I’d cut out and left my stomach back at the starting point, with Equius holding it tightly. I was all adrenaline now, the hormone taking over the previously boiled blood in my veins — why hadn’t I invested in a motorcycle before?

The trees passed by me in a blur of different hues of mahogany. Orange, and then butterscotch, and some a deep red with some hints of the alien green I’d grown accustomed to. I kept my head forward, not trying to focus on the different seasons… though I couldn’t possibly be upset over them, even if I wanted to be. Why was I ever upset? If I had done this earlier, I was sure I wouldn’t have spent months locked away.

Still, this was only the first gear. My foot inched downward to the gearshift as I drove ahead, and twisted for more gas.

_ “No, Sollux — w-watch w-where you’re goin’!” _

I blinked furiously at the honey-sweet voice that rang through my ears, before properly opening my eyes… and gasping loudly at the sudden flash of alabaster and fire, and then my bike passing through it. It distracted me enough from the speed to realize the road was nearing a curve now, and I was still going straight. Equius hadn’t taught me how to turn.

“Fuck, fuck,” I mumbled to myself, voice somewhat steady despite the situation, and I instinctively slammed down onto the right pedal like I would in my truck — before finally remembering Equius’s warning. Still, it was too late. The bike suddenly became unstable under me, shifting to one side first, and then the other. I considered setting my feet down to stop it, but I decided I’d prefer keeping my ability to walk, and besides… it was now dragging me to the mahogany wall I’d been staring at, and I was going far too fast. 

I tried to turn the handlebar in the other direction, and the sudden shift in my weight pushed the bike towards the ground, still spinning towards the trees.

I wasn’t sure when I’d fallen out of it, or when I landed. I was sure I was heading towards the trees, though. Instead, something solid and heavy stopped my fall, but when my head snapped towards it it made contact with a loud ‘crack’, and then my forehead felt wet, and my eyes felt heavy. The motorcycle landed on top of me then, and I gave a single ‘oof’, unable to open my eyes. My head was in the moss, against some sort of concrete, and I felt… tired.

I was really tired, now.

I was dizzy and confused, too. I tried standing up, but it was impossible. It sounded like three things were snarling. The bike over me, the voice in my head, and… something else. I tried to not think of the third option, or the mocking voice over me.

_ “W-What did I tell you? Honestly, I told you so…” _

“Oh, fuck off.”

At the very least, my throat still worked. That was better than nothing.

“Sollux!” In the distance, I heard Equius yell, and then the roar of another motorcycle. A few moments later, it cut off. The bike was no longer pinning me to the ground either. I sat up quickly, reaching for my throat to coax myself into breathing properly. All of the growling stopped the moment the bike was cut off.

“Sollux?”

Equius sounded truly concerned, and I felt… bad. My vision wasn’t as blurry now, and instead… I wanted to go again. I didn’t feel bad myself, at least. Only bad about the fact that he was unaware of the fact that he was feeding my useless recklessness.

“Wow,” I started, my throat finally agreeing to work, and speak. This had to be it — definitely. The perfect recipe for a hallucination. Adrenaline, plus stupidity, plus something… wrong in your brain. That had to be it. 

“Sollux,” Equius was crouching over me now, anxiously. “Sollux, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I started, voice louder than before. I felt better now, ready to go one more time. Maybe twice more, after that. I flexed my hands, and then my arms, and then my legs. Everything seemed to be working fine now, and ignoring the pounding in my head was far easier. “Let’s do it again!”

“Are you insane?” His tone mirrored the hallucination’s, and I frowned for a second, before simply trying to ignore it. “I think I’d better drive you to the hospital.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” Equius stated quickly, reaching for my forehead. I snapped my head away, and frowned in disgust as I pressed my hand onto it, and felt the warm gush of blood. “You have a huge cut there.”

Sure enough, I did. It was warm, and sticky, and I was sure it was already on my cheek and eye. The cut felt big, too. I was sure it’d scar. I ignored the wave of nausea that rolled past my gut, and swallowed.

“Oh, I’m thorry.” I apologized quickly, pushing hard against the cut, as if I was somehow able to suck all the blood back into me. I wasn’t sure why I’d apologized, honestly. Equius gave me a quizzical, and then sympathetic look.

“Why are you apologizing for bleeding?” He wondered aloud as he wrapped an arm around my waist, and pulled me to my feet. My legs felt heavy, and my neck did too. I tried to ignore it, and push past the remaining twangs of adrenaline in my system. “Let’s go, I’ll drive.” He held his hands out expectantly.

“What about the bikes?” I asked, groaning as I handed over the keys, and pressed harder onto my forehead. I tried not to think about how easy it was to feel the blood gushing out with more pressure.

Equius thought for a second, before digging into his pocket, and handing me a neatly folded towel. Did he always carry one around? “Here, take this. Wait here.” I nodded, and took the towel, pressing it onto my forehead while wiping my crimson-stained hand onto my jeans. I tried to look away from the blood on my hands, ignoring the fact that I was already able to smell it — I was fine, I reminded myself. Perfectly fine.

Equius jumped onto the blue motorcycle, kicked it to a start with a single try, and then sped down the road, leaving a trail of smoke and scattered asphalt behind him. I certainly didn’t look that experienced when I was on my bike. He looked like a professional racer as he leaned over it properly, controlling the handlebars with little to no effort. I was surprised at how far I'd gone. I could barely see Equius, even when I tried to squint, in the distance when he finally got to the truck. He threw the bike into the bed and sprinted to the driver's side. I really didn't feel bad at all as he got into the truck, turned it on, and drove over to me. His worry was better spent on something actually important. This was a simple cut.

He left the truck running as he got out of the driver’s seat, and sped over to me. He moved to wrap his hands around me — likely trying to keep me steady, but I ushered them away, showing that I could actually walk myself. I wasn’t  _ that _ bad.

“Alright, let’s get you in the truck.”

Even though I’d gotten away with him not holding me, Equius still hovered behind me, hands ready in case I was to fall. 

“I’m honethtly fine,” I reassured him as I climbed into the passenger seat, grimacing when he quickly reached over to put on my seatbelt for me. “It’th jutht a little blood.”

“Just a lot of blood,” He muttered silently, before closing the door, and going to put my bike in the bed of the truck as well. He got back into the car within a minute or two, I wasn’t really sure. He started driving, heading off of the road back the way we came. “We’re going to the ER.”

“No, we’re not.” I corrected quickly, keeping the towel against my forehead.

“You need stitches, Sollux.”

“I’ll be fine. If you take me to the ER, they’re going to tell Silias…” I started, before turning my eyes down to the dirt and road caked onto my jeans. There were little droplets of blood there too. “You’re going to get in trouble too.”

“So, I just let you bleed to death?”

“I won’t. Let’s just…” I thought silently for a compromise, while pressing the towel against my head with a bit more pressure. “...go home, get rid of the evidence, and… then we can go. Whatever.”

“What about your family?”

“They’re all busy today.”

“Are you really sure?”

“I’m an easy bleeder, trust me. I’ve freaked out enough piercers — I’ll be fine.” I tried to ignore the irony in my statement, and Equius wasn’t happy with my statement. His mouth pulled into a frown, but he still listened to my request… at least. Whether it was to cover his own ass or my own, I wasn’t sure. I kept his towel to my head as he drove through Forks, smiling a little at the fact that I’d succeeded in my goal. The bike had served its actual purpose. Even more than that, actually. The hallucinations were new, but almost… welcomed. It was comforting, at least. 

I’d cheated. I’d broken my promise. At least I wasn’t the only one. I’d have to test the theory more, though. The key to the new hallucinations. I’d try tonight, probably. Maybe they’d get done with me quickly at the ER, and I’d be able to stay out later than I usually did. Racing down the road like that had been amazing. The wind on my face, the strings of trees racing past me — it reminded me of a past life, piggybacked onto a short yet sturdy torso. I stopped thinking right there, cringing as the panging in my chest started once more.

“You still okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I tried to sound as convincing as I possibly could. I wasn’t in pain, at least. Not from the cut.

"By the way," he added. "I'm going to disconnect your foot brake tonight."

  
  


After the bikes were dropped off at Equius’s shed, and we were back at my house, I went to look at myself in the mirror. It was… pretty gruesome. The gash was big enough to where I knew it was  _ definitely _ going to scar, and blood was drying everywhere. It was caked on my head, my eyebrows, my nose and up to my neck — even pouring into my shirt. It was in my hair, too. I was surprised I hadn’t passed out. No wonder he’d been so worried.

I was sure I was going to pass out from the sight of it, at least. To calm myself, I pretended the blood was paint… and managed to keep myself stable enough to where I was able to wash up, and change my stained clothes. I hid the shirt, jacket, and jeans in the bottom of the laundry bin… before simply deciding to throw it in the washer, along with the rest of my clothes. Once I was done, I pulled on some sweatpants, and a basic t-shirt, slapping two bandaids over the gash so it wouldn’t stain my clothes. I ignored the  _ Hello Kitty  _ designs on them.

“Hurry up,” Equius called from downstairs.

“Okay,” I muttered, and rushed downstairs — grabbing a granola bar from the kitchen, and chewing on it idly as we got back in the truck, and he started it up once more. 

“How do I look?”

I spoke through a full mouth, swallowing as Equius looked me up and down, and then laughed.

“Better, uh, the… bandaids are a nice touch.”

“Thanks. Do I look like I tripped and fell onto a hammer in your garage?”

“I… guess? Let’s just get you sewn up.”

  
  


I had to get ten stitches to close the cut on my forehead. It didn’t hurt at all, really. We were at the hospital forever though, at least three hours. I scoffed at the fact that we’d waited so long for stitches, but it was fine. By the time we were done, I had to drop Equius off at home, and drive back to my own house in time for dinner.

My aunt and uncle bought into the story of the hammer pretty easily, though Nepeta glanced at me with skeptical eyes. Still, she didn’t say anything of it. After all, it was believable enough. I was a nervous clutz, and I was sure that if I was given enough time… I’d just land in the ER again by my own two feet.

This night wasn’t nearly as bad as the rest of my nights. Not after I was able to hear that perfect voice in clarity. The hole came back, the way it did when I was away from Equius — but I was able to plan ahead now. I was looking forward to more of my delusions, and that was a distraction. Another distraction was the fact that I’d be able to see Equius again, that made the empty hole in my chest and the familiar pain easier to bear; relief was in sight. The nightmare, too, had lost a little of its power. I was terrified by the nothingness, as always, but I was also weirdly impatient as I waited for the moment that would send me shaking or screaming into consciousness. I knew the nightmare had to end.

  
  


The next week, before I could get home from the ER, the nurse called my uncle and told him I might have a concussion, and advised him to wake me up every two hours through the night to make sure it was serious.

Silias’s eyes narrowed at my weak explanation of how exactly I tripped and fell onto a hammer, but he didn’t question it.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Time began to pass much more quickly than before. It was easy to get lost into, now. It was a constant steadying wave of work, school, Equius — I was far too busy to be focused on anything else. At the very least, my aunt and uncle had gotten their wish. I wasn’t miserable anymore. Genuinely, it was hard to be, now that I was so focused on real life. Still, I wasn’t entirely stupid either. When I finally got a chance to stop, settle down, and exhale, I was faced with all the emotions I was holding in. I was lost, like some sort of distant moon that’d lost the planet it orbited. Yet, I continued the circle, hopelessly… endlessly. There was no reason to stop.

I was getting better with my bike, which meant fewer  _ Hello Kitty  _ bandages to worry my aunt. However, it also meant the voice in my head — the honey voice I’d missed — started to fade, until it simply… never returned. There was no danger in the bike, no reason for them to chastise me. Silently… I panicked. I wasn’t sure what else I could possibly do to make it come back.

I didn’t keep track of the days anymore, not really needing to. I was surprised when I went downstairs, ready to go drive to Equius’s, and instead being met by him in my living room, wearing a Caesar costume, while Nepeta fixed her hair in the reflection of the cabinet holding our aunt’s fancy dishes. She was wearing a Cleopatra costume.

“Happy Halloween,” Equius offered with a smile, before looking at me up and down, and then frowning. “You’re not going with us?”

I raised a brow — was it already the thirty-first? It had to be, if they’d dressed up. Well, I felt like a fucking idiot.

“That’s today?”

I asked, sort of astounded by that realization. It’d already been almost two weeks since I first rode the bike. Almost two weeks since I’d heard their voice. Nepeta turned to me now, and I half-expected a look of scorn on her face — instead, she gave me a sympathetic smile.

“I think we have an old bee costume… from when… like, Karkat was twelve, if you want to try it on.”

Twenty minutes later, I was wearing a tight shirt with black and yellow stripes, some make-shift wings from Nepeta’s old fairy costume attached to my back, and I had a headband with fake, glittery antennae on my head. She drew some fake freckles with her eyeliner onto my face, before we both decided that was more than enough.

  
  


While we walked through the streets, standing out like sore thumbs with our heights compared to the kids flocking around us, Equius took the opportunity of Nepeta going to ring a doorbell to glance at me, and ask.

“Bikes tomorrow?”

I took my opportunity now that I had a clear schedule, and instead shook my head, and made a sympathetic expression. 

“No can do, I’m going to a movie tomorrow. I’m sort of… forced to, honestly. Might as well get it over with now. Actually, do you want to come with me?”

Equius made a sad expression at my refusal, before practically lighting up at the mention of him being invited.

“You cool with coming? Nepeta will probably go too, so you’ll have a friend.”

“You’d… like me to come… with your friends there?”   
  


He repeated the words, almost in disbelief — as if it was impossible that I’d ever want to introduce him to my friends.

“Uh, yeah, of course? I’ll have way more fun if you’re there.”

Equius flushed brightly, the mahogany color a nice contrast against his russet skin, before looking down, and smiling. Nepeta returned then, signaling for us to come towards the door to get candy.

  
  


Four hours later, I was back in my bed, with two pillowcases of candy beside me… and my laptop open. I typed idly, while chewing on some banana flavored  _ Laffy Taffy,  _ treating the bad habit I’d developed as though it was a personal diary. It certainly felt like it, now.

* * *

**[ twinArmageddon [TA] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 23:46 PM ]**

**TA: ii wii2h ii had your real addre22, hone2tly. ii get the 2ecrecy. iit make2 2en2e, wantiing two era2e your pa2t. the whole iimmortal 2htiick. ii get iit.**

**TA: doe2n't really mean iit'2 faiir, but ii'm over iit.**

**TA: ii wii2h ii could tell you about equiiu2. ii call hiim eq, but he'2 not the biigge2t fan of iit. heh. ii wii2h ii could tell you about the biike2, two.**

**TA: he make2 me feel... aliive. iit'2 2tupiid, but true. he make2 me feel agaiin. the hole iin my che2t? when he'2 around, iit feel2 liike iit'2 almo2t healed. almo2t.**

**TA: but, even he can't keep the niightmare2 away. that'2 fiine.**

**[ twinArmageddon [TA] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 23:58 PM ]**

* * *

  
  


I ran the idea by Feferi at lunch, who pursed her lips in a signature pout. Sometimes, she truly looked like a blowfish — I was sure I’d be slaughtered if anyone else heard that thought. Of course, the crowd I’d brought up was down to single digits by the end of the lunch period. Vriska and Terezi were busy, Jade and Dave were going to hang out, and Karkat was out working. John didn’t like me very much, and Rose was far more interested in trying to help him create his _Dungeons and Dragons_ character.

In the end, it was only me, Feferi, Nepeta, and Equius. Nepeta was elated at the fact that I’d invited Equius, though Feferi was visibly skeeved out by it.

Still, the diminished numbers didn’t dampen my anticipation. I hated movies, but I’d be getting this errand out of the way, and none of my classmates would be able to bother me about it anymore. It was all Feferi talked about at lunch, too.

After lunch, Feferi sat beside me in class, giving me a suspicious glance, before finally speaking in a low voice.

"Are you sure... you don't want to see Tomorrow and Forever instead?" she asked, nudging my shoulder gently, and naming the current romantic comedy that was ruling the box office. "Rotten Tomatoes gave it a better review."

“No, I want to see Crosshairs instead,” I insisted. “Bring on the guts, or whatever the fuck.” I spoke with no enthusiasm, mostly to get her off my back. 

“Okay,” Feferi agreed, turning away — but not before I noticed her ‘maybe he’s crazy after all,’ expression. Bingo.

  
  


When I got home from school, a very familiar — but polished — car was seated in the front of my driveway, with Equius leaning against it, wearing the sunglasses I’d seen him wear months ago. He flashed me a wide grin, and from the corner of my eye, I could see Nepeta seated in the passenger’s seat. 

“No fucking way,” I started as I turned off my own truck, and stepped out of it. “You finished the rabbit?”

“Last night,” he beamed. “This’ll be her maiden voyage.”

“Fucking hell, dude,” I mumbled, reaching upwards to give him a highfive. Equius smacked his hand against mine, before I pulled my hand away, put it inside the pocket of my jacket, and sighed aloud.

“What’s wrong?” Equius gave me a look of concern, and I kept the expression for a few more seconds.

“I just… can’t top this. You’re definitely older.”

“So, I get to drive tonight?”

“Fuck yeah.”

I smiled widely, and Equius gave a grin in return. Just as he got into the car, Feferi’s own car pulled up. We were seated in the back of the Volkswagen within ten minutes, and Equius pulled out of the driveway expertly, before turning onto the main street, and starting to drive.

“Hey, Sollux!” Feferi looked up as she greeted me, before reaching forward for Nepeta’s hand, and intertwining their fingers. She mumbled something to her, before turning back to me, and smiling. “You still want to watch  _ that _ movie?”

Her voice was full of annoyance towards my choice of film, but I simply rolled my eyes at it, and leaned against the window.

“I… am the one paying for the tickets, you know.”

Feferi huffed, before going back to focusing on Nepeta. I… had to admit, maybe  _ this _ was a bad idea. I should’ve stuck with the bike-riding. On one hand, I had two lovey-dovey birds way too close, and the hole started to pang once more. On the other hand, I was left to focus on Equius entirely, as his own friend had abandoned him for her girlfriend. I leaned forward, and tried making some form of conversation with him.

Equius was his usual self, at least. Nowhere as quiet as I’d expected him to be around other people. Of course, he already knew Feferi and Nepeta — so, it wasn’t surprising. We both tip-toed around our conversations, careful to not mention the bikes whatsoever.

  
  


When we got to the movie theater, Equius handed me a ten dollar bill, and I frowned at it before reaching to hand it back to him. 

“No,” he insisted. “I’m not old enough to get into this one.”

“Oh,” I frowned, but took the money. I’d have to pay him back. “So much for relative ages. Is your dad going to kill me if I sneak you in?”

“No, I already told him you were going to corrupt my youthful innocence.”

“Ah.”

I snickered at his words, before walking up to the booth with Feferi, and paying for the entire set of tickets. I’d almost wished Feferi and Nepeta had just decided to bail out. They were resigned, not much of a help to any conversation. Besides, I didn’t… want a movie  _ date _ with Equius either. Just the amount of emphasis in that word made me uncomfortable. 

The movie was everything it was added up to be, at least.

Once one of the characters finally got their brains blown out, Feferi covered her eyes quickly and put her face into Nepeta’s chest — who simply pat at her head, brushing her hair with her fingers gently, while occasionally wincing herself.

Equius, on the other hand, found the entire thing hilarious. My face was stiff… I wasn’t really watching, honestly. At one point, Equius started snickering, and I turned my head to him, almost annoyed.

“What?” I whispered.

“Oh, come on,” he hissed in return, trying to control his own laughter. “The blood squirted, like, fifty feet out of that guy! How fake can you get?”

He laughed once more, earning him a few shushes from the people seated above us, as another man’s head was crushed into a puddle that looked more like chicken and jelly than brains and skull.

After that, I actually tried to focus on the movie. The action was ridiculous, now that I focused on it. One man crashed into a flagpole, and was somehow crushed to a pulp from the impact. It was hard not to laugh at the movie, especially with Equius at my side. At the very least, while I was laughing, I didn’t have to focus on the lovefest beside me.

However, an hour into laughing like absolute idiots at men dying, Equius leaned forward, groaning audibly, before finally looking up. 

“I… think I need to go to the bathroom,” he started, and I silently wondered if the light from the movie was making him that pale.

“You okay? I’ll go with you,” Nepeta started, standing up, but Equius reached out to motion for her to sit back down. 

“No, it’s alright, I’ll be back.”

“I’m going.” She insisted now, standing up. Then, when Feferi followed, she looked back at the both of us, and frowned. “Uh, why don’t you guys stay? We’ll be back.”

“Nah,” I stood up now.

Feferi followed, grabbing the soda she’d had at her side, and sipping at it gently. She swallowed, and finally opened her mouth to speak.

“Yeah, let’s go. This movie really sucks.”

Equius groaned once more, finally standing up, and rushing to the exit of the room. Nepeta followed instantaneously, and then me and Feferi followed casually.

“What a marshmallow,” Feferi started as we left the theater room, taking another sip. “...even  _ I  _ can handle gore.”

“I think he can handle it just fine,” I corrected her quickly, as we caught up to Nepeta, who was standing near the restrooms with a worried expression. “...it’s probably that bug that’s been going around.”

“Mhm,”

After a minute or two of standing there idly, like absolute idiots, I finally ducked into the mens’ room, and spotted Equius standing in front of the mirror with a strained expression. I raised a brow at him, wondering why he looked so… sick. He was sweaty, and pale — but his skin was flushed bright red at the tips of his nose, and ears. I reached for his shoulder instinctively, almost flinching at the warmth the moment I touched his shoulder. I snapped my hand away, giving him wide eyes.

“Dude, you’re fucking burning up.”

“Yeah, fuck,”

He spoke with a dry laugh, and I… wasn’t sure I’d ever heard him curse before. I reached for him once more, resting my hand against his skin now. His heat blazed against my own, normal temperature skin. 

"You must have a fever or something," I grumbled. I touched my fingers to his forehead, and his head was hot. “How are you feeling?”

“Absolutely horrible.”

He stated quickly, and I nodded, before just pulling my hand away and digging it back into the pockets of my jacket. After a few moments, Equius finally steadied his breathing, wiping his face with a paper towel. We left the bathroom after that, instantly met with a worried Nepeta, who looked almost as though she’d expected he died in there.

“‘m fine,” he started as she quickly reached for him, pulling him into a hug — without flinching whatsoever at his strange heat. I narrowed my eyes at that, but didn’t question it as much. “...just a bug, I guess?”

“Could be the… mono thing, acting up again.”

“Yeah, probably.” He agreed silently.

  
  


The ride home was longer, and once I was dropped off, I poked my head through the passenger window, frowning at Equius.

“Hey, call me when you get home, okay?”

“Of course,” he nodded, and then, Nepeta was driving off.

Feferi quickly got in her own car, starting it up, and driving off as well. I stayed outside for a few more seconds, frowning silently with my hands in my pockets, before finally going inside, and kicking my shoes off at the entrance.

It was… wrong, to feel as though I was blurring the lines of our relationship. Giving him any semblance of hope was absolutely wrong too. Still, how could I not? I wasn’t into him, I wasn’t sure I even… liked men, but Equius was so positive — so carefree and happy. I frowned once more. I hadn’t laughed like I had in that theater for months. I hadn’t felt so light and ridiculous for genuine months, and he was able to pull that out of me. It was all wrong, and of course, I didn’t like him. I loved him, like a friend… but I didn’t love him.

Still, I anxiously sat by the phone, stirring the pot of honey my aunt kept in the cupboard around, bringing a spoonful of honey to my lips every few seconds, and suckling on it gently. I felt like a child, eating spoonfuls of honey to calm myself down. It worked, at least.

I tried to ignore Equius’s strange look before they drove away, and Nepeta not flinching at his body heat. I tried to ignore the images that popped into my mind, until the phone finally rang almost thirty minutes later, and I dropped the spoon onto the ground in my haste to answer it.

“Hello?” I answered quickly, as though I was in a rush. It felt like I was.

“Hey,” 

Equius answered, but his voice was… off. Distant, crackly and broken.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I… got sick, is all.”

“You’ll get better soon,” I promised, trying to ignore the sudden emptiness in his voice. It sounded as though he was reciting a script.

“Of course,”

“Do you think it’s the stomach flu?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“So what is it?” My voice was pathetically insistent now, and Equius only sighed. He sounded exhausted, and I felt horrible.

“It’s something else.”

“What do you think is wrong with you?”

“Everything,” he started. “...every part of me hurts.”

“Well,” I stood up now, reaching for the keys. “...I asked you to come out to begin with. I’ve already been exposed, I’ll just go help take care of yo-”

“No!” He snapped quickly. I was startled by his sudden abrupt tone.

“Well, how can I help?”

“You can’t. Don’t come here.”

“Equius, I-”

“I’ll let you know when you can come over again. I’ll call you again.” His voice was urgent now, as if he really did have to go. I swallowed, ignoring the panging in my chest.

“Call me when you feel better.”

“Right.” His voice had a strange, bitter edge. It felt off, coming from his mouth.

After a few seconds of silence, he finally spoke again.

“Just wait for me to call. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

He hung up the phone, and I left it hanging off the holder, instead simply making my way up the stairs, into my room, and sitting right on the floor.

* * *


	25. Stalemate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hai i made a tumblr for midday u should check it out :3 www.twilightstuck.tumblr.com (please please please)

* * *

Equius didn’t call.

It was pathetic, already missing his presence. The first time I called, his father answered the phone and told me Equius was still in bed, sleeping. I’d gotten nosy and decided to pry when Nepeta finally got home, sitting right beside her while she focused on her poster board with tacky hearts all over it.

“Did Equius’s dad take him to a doctor?”

She looked up at me with curious eyes, before narrowing them in an almost suspicious matter, and simply stating ‘yes.’

For some reason I couldn’t explain, I was absolutely positive she wasn’t saying the truth.

Saturday, after circling around his neighborhood with the music blaring, trying to drown out the panging in my chest and the burning in my throat by trying to pretend I was just visiting him — I convinced myself to actually visit him, fuck a damn invitation. However, when I pulled to the driveway, the house was empty. That scared me, as I poked my head out of the driver’s window and tried to squint through the rain to get a better view from the windows. Had Equius gotten so sick he needed to go to the hospital? I stopped by on the way home, but the nurse at the front desk had told me that neither Equius, or his father had been in.

  
  


I made Silias call Equius’s dad later that night, after dinner.

  
  


I waited, way too anxious as the conversation carried on about stupid, outdoorsy topics — nothing remotely related to Equius. At the very least, it seemed his dad was the one that had been in the hospital. He’d needed tests for his heart, or something along that line. Only then, after five jokes about heart attacks, did Silias ask about Equius, and the conversation visibly shifted to occasional ‘mhm’ and ‘yeah’s. I tapped my fingers along the counter beside him impatiently, until he finally looked up and furrowed his brows at me, and I stopped.

After another five minutes, my uncle finally hung up the phone, set it back on its holder, and turned to me.

“Well, Daniel says there’s been problems with the phone lines, so that’s why your calls aren’t going through. He took Equius to the doc there, looks like he has mono again. He’s real tired, and he says no visitors.”

“Mono, again?” I repeated, silently wondering if that was even possible. I’d hung out with him before — did I have it too? Most importantly, Nepeta was there taking care of him now. “...so, Nep has it too?”

My uncle’s smile faltered as he quickly realized it was likely already in our house. His forehead’s creases became very visible, before he finally relaxed, and shrugged.

“I’ll just tell her to stay there for a few days, Lord knows they probably need the extra hands.”

I frowned at his dismissiveness, and frowned subtly. 

“Cool.”

I didn’t push it. If I wasn’t wanted there, I simply… wasn’t, and I had to accept what was. That was easier said than done. Instead, I went upstairs, and pulled out my computer. I knew enough about mono to know that it usually didn’t come on  _ so _ fast, and… well, it came from swapping spit, didn’t it? That wasn’t the case with Equius.

  
  


I opened the browser, and typed in the word. I was met with the result ‘ _ mononucleosis’,  _ and scrolled through the list of symptoms quickly. Already, I felt myself squinting as I noticed the inconsistencies. Did he really hide that he was sick for so long? All of the medical entries on it listed it as something that slowly progressed over time, with increasing soreness. Of course, he obviously had the fever — but was it really that easy to just… appear?

After a few more moments of scrolling through multiple pages, I turned away from the computer, and ran a hand through my hair, before scoffing.

Why was I doing this? Why was I so suspicious of Daniel’s story? It was likely mono, and Equius had just hid it from me to hang out. That was more plausible, but it didn’t shake the feeling of dread in my gut. I was likely worried for a friend — I reminded myself. That was normal, at least. Equius was a friend, and I’d grown to care for him in the weeks we’d been hanging out.

The anxiety was likely just misplaced worry. 

I turned back to the web browser, scrolling down the page, and reading in detail of the remedies for mono, and the facts about it. It wasn’t very infectious, for starters. The no visitors rule was already strange, and the article only proved it further. Unless he was going to make out with each visitor, there was no reason they’d have to simply stop showing up.

I scrolled further down, pulling away from my desk for a second to pull my notepad out of my bag, and a pen as well. On an empty page — one that wasn’t full of ‘.. / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..- / . -.. / ---... -..-.’ — I wrote down the known shit that helped with mono. I felt bad with my uselessness in this situation, and if I couldn’t go over for a few days, at the very least I could give Nepeta some stuff to take to him. 

I scribbled down the list hastily; electrolyte drinks, cough drops, ibuprofen, frozen/soft food… I figured that was enough, for starters. I’d make a basket, as if he was actually in the hospital.

  
  


I tried to ignore how exactly I had experience with making gift baskets for hospital patients.

  
  


Once I had the list done, I set the notepad aside, and scrolled through the rest of the article. I reached the end pretty quickly, not really caring much for the rest of the information on the sickness, and my mouth fell open. I closed it pretty quickly after, instead frowning at the words on my screen.

_ “Patients with infectious mononucleosis can be sick for at least a month before starting to feel relief.” _

A month?

A whole month?

No, that actually wasn’t fair. Would they really enforce the no visitors rule for an entire month? That wouldn’t help Equius at all, would it? When you’re sick, don’t you want people around you… like emotional support? He wouldn’t even be able to get them sick. Equius had Nepeta, sure, but… a whole month — four weeks without anyone else to talk to? He’d go insane.

Besides, what was his dad even scared of? It was just mono, wasn’t it? There was no reason for him to lock away his son. The article said a person with mono would need to avoid physical activity… but there was nothing about visitors. I tried to ignore the suspicion rolling in my gut as I glared numbly at the article, and tapped my fingers along my desk.

The disease wasn’t very infectious at all.

I’d wait for at least one call this week, and give Nepeta the basket once I was done with it. I’d give Equius two weeks; that was more than generous. I tried to ignore the fact that I was clearly acting like a child as I closed the tab. I’d give him and his father two weeks before I started getting pushy. Two weeks was long enough. I could make it to… at least the twelfth without him, but the fifteenth was already pushing it. I wasn’t sure I’d make it to December. 

  
  


When I decided to leave Equius alone until Tuesday, I hadn’t expected him nor Nepeta to actually follow his father’s instructions. Every day after school, I’d asked her how he was doing, and she gave a simple enough answer. When I gave her the basket, she said he’d love it, and then never brought it up again. Even then, there were no phone calls from his end. He’d gone radio silent, as if he’d never existed.

I pushed back the bile that climbed up my throat with that statement.

I tried to ignore it on the first week, pretending as though he simply didn’t exist as well. If he didn’t want me around, I didn’t have to be. I was used to not being wanted.

Still, I cheated. On Thursday, I called him three times, but the phone lines still weren’t working. On Friday, I was seated right in front of my bed, on the floor, with my hands in my hair once more — mirroring the exact position I’d been in months before. I was in the house too much now. It was hardest to ignore the creeping emptiness, the waves threatening to take me back in without Equius there to shake me until I was back in the real world again.

Without Equius and the adrenaline everything that I’d been repressing came back to the surface once more. It was hard to prevent it; I was in that headspace permanently now, unable to even speak properly or  _ breathe _ at times without wincing. The dreams got bad again. I wasn’t sure why they still scared me, but I wasn’t expecting the end anymore. I only saw nothingness. The empty forest, mahogany without a single trace of them left. The glass house, with all the furniture untouched, absolutely lifeless. It was all empty.

There was no life in this world, not anymore. I was constantly drowning now, in some sort of ridiculous fight with my inner self to simply not sink deeper. It was hard.

  
  


I started screaming myself awake once again.

  
  


The hole in my chest cracked further now too. It’d been useless hope that I’d gotten it under control. There was no healing from this, not when it felt as though I was breaking each of my ribs with every breath that I took, as I clutched at my throat and chest in a desperate bid to keep myself together. I wasn’t sure I’d ever scream willingly again, not with how I could practically feel my vocal chords  _ shred _ every night against my pillow, as I tried to wake myself up from the never-ending nightmare.

I was incredibly relieved when I woke up earlier than usual, and realized I could finally call Equius. It was Tuesday. I’d managed to survive long enough to keep my end of the deal — albeit barely. I’d call Equius today, and if the phone lines still weren’t working… I was going to La Push. One way or another, today would be better than my last two weeks. 

I showered, and ate breakfast, considering calling before school. It was better to not disturb, though. I didn’t want to be a nuisance, or drive him further away. I was already somewhat suspecting that his distance had something to do with me, and that was just… it fed my anxiety more food for thought. I got in my truck while still chewing on a slice of toast, and drove to school with the music blaring, trying to not think of it all. The more I pushed it aside, the less it could hurt me. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. I’d still get hurt, one way or another.

  
  


School passed with no real issue. It was just the same as before, though I was still sitting at the lunch table with my classmates. More resigned, though. I didn’t talk much, and when Terezi eagerly described the internship she was taking at a law firm in Seattle after graduation I bit my lip to hold back a bitter statement, and instead stood up to throw away my tray.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted, and about ready to just stand in the shower and stare at the wall. I felt numb again, at least. It was during the night when I was alone that all the pain started again.

I walked to the kitchen, and grabbed the phone, dialing the number I’d memorized, and then waiting. I wasn’t expecting any response, instead reaching for the keys on the second ring, so I could drive over. To my surprise, Equius’s dad answered the phone. 

“Hello?”

Caught off guard, I dropped the keys, muttering a ‘fuck’ before bending over to pick them up, and then responding.

“Oh, sh- hey! The phone is working again, hi, it’s Sollux… I was calling to see if Equius was feeling better, I wanted to see if I could stop by-”

“I’m sorry, Sollux,” his dad interrupted, and I instinctively frowned at the tone of his voice. He sounded distracted, as if he were focusing on the TV — watching anything. “...He’s not in.”

“Oh.” It took me half a second. I frowned deeper now, by my own accord. “So, he’s feeling better?”

“Yes.” He stated as if it was fact, but I still managed to catch him hesitating afterwards. He tripped over his words before finally speaking again. “Turns out it wasn’t mono, just… another virus.”

“Well, where is he?”

“He’s giving some friends a ride to Port Angeles — I think they were going to catch a movie, and then hang out. I know he’ll be out the whole day.”

“Oh, that’s… good. I’m glad he feels better.”

I cringed internally at how phony my voice sounded. I considered hanging up then, but he spoke again.

“Is there anything else you wanted?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Equius was better, but not better enough to hang out with me. That… or he simply didn’t want to be near me. That’d make more sense, I supposed. Maybe he was realizing my ulterior motive. At the end of the day, he was out with friends… and I was… alone at home, worrying about him every single hour. I was worried, panicked, anxious, and now felt… embarrassed, after realizing that these two weeks hadn’t had the same effect on him.

“No, not really.”

“Well, I’ll tell him you called. Bye, So-” 

I hung up the phone before he could finish his sentence. I stood there for a moment, staring blankly at the phone in front of me. He definitely had just… found better friends. Why was I so upset over this? He was younger than me, nicer too — of course he would. It wasn’t supposed to be such a shock, and I wasn’t supposed to feel so horrible over it. It felt as though the hole had dug deeper, now taking up more space than just my chest and throat. It felt as though my entire body was simply drowning, and even standing was hard to do. 

I took a seat on one of the dining chairs, and rested my head in my hands as I felt the blood run upwards to my face, and the tips of my ears.

Why was this upsetting me so much? That was a rhetorical question. A better one would be — why did everyone leave, after saying they wouldn’t? It was my fault for trusting them, wasn’t it? Of course, how could I… not? Equius was my own personal form of sunshine, with his witty banter and insistence on speaking formally — Eridan was everything Equius wasn’t, and more. What was… wrong with me? There had to be a reason both of them… simply stopped trying, and left. It had to have been something I’d done — I wiped at my eyes quickly when I heard my uncle come down the stairs.

“Something wrong?”

I paused, trying to relax my face, before looking up with… a miserable, but convincing enough expression.

“Nah, I’m fine…” I lied. “Uh, Equius is feeling better. It wasn’t mono, so that’s… good.”

“Oh, is he coming here, or you’re going over there?”

“Neither. He’s going out with other friends.”

My tone of voice finally caught his attention. He looked up from the stack of food he’d been preparing on the counter with alarm, before raising a brow towards me. To try and change the subject, I looked towards whatever he was preparing, and narrowed my eyes.

“...Isn’t it too early for dinner?”

“No, I’m… uh, packing some lunch for tomorrow, I’m going to go fishing with his dad, is all.” He paused then, putting his focus back on the food, before finally looking back up at me, as if he’d forgotten something. “...Do you want me to stay home with you, since… Equius is out?”

Caring was… new for my uncle. I was positive he just wanted to stick around, in case I got all ‘mopey’ again. Still, I appreciated it, and gave my most ‘casual’ shrug.

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m fine, besides, it’s your only day off, take advantage of it.” He continued looking at me, the expression on his face indecisive. I pursed my lips, furrowing my brows as I tried to come up with a decent enough way to not get him to worry. “Seriously. We’re running low on fish regardless. I’m just going to… probably call Aradia, and see if we can hang out, or something.”

That was a lie. I hadn’t talked to her in weeks, and I… had nothing to say as of late. I wasn’t sure I wanted  _ to _ say anything to her. It’d just be… me keeping more secrets, and hiding all of the truth. Still, Silias seemed to smile at that.

“That’s good, you’ve been hanging out too much with Equius. Your other friends are probably jealous.”

I chuckled at that, as if I really gave a shit about what my friends thought. I stood up then, moving to go to the living room, but my uncle called out for me then.

“Sollux, come back one second.”

I turned right around, poking my head through the entrance, and frowned.

“Uh… what do you need?”

“You’re going to go to Seattle, right?”

“Yeah, where else would I go?”

“Good, I don’t want you in the forest.”

I raised a brow at that, confused by what exactly he was getting at in my distracted state of mind. After a few seconds, I finally understood. “More bear problems?”

“Yeah, we’ve got a missing hiker, we… found his camp with no trace of him, and big animal footprints — of course those could have come later on for the food, but still. Anyways, they’re setting up traps for it now.”

“Oh, cool.” I spoke vaguely in response, not really caring much for the warnings. Being eaten by a bear sounded like a greater fate than the Equius situation. At the very least, Silias was soon distracted by packing up the food, so I was able to sneak back upstairs, and into my bedroom.

He didn’t wait for me to call Aradia, and didn’t double-check either. I certainly wasn’t going to call her. It made no sense, involving her in my life — as far as I was concerned, we weren’t as close anymore. I stared at my backpack, not really sure what I was considering now. I tried to ignore the guilt I’d deal with if my uncle would figure out… but he wouldn’t. He hadn’t figured out most of my life, and none of my family really had to. I was alone, now. It was easier like this too. I wasn’t so upset about it.

  
  


I grabbed my bag, shoving a single bottle of water into it, and then pulled on a jacket. I tied my hiking boots, not really having any other decent shoes to wear outside. I hesitated for a second, before pulling my bag onto my back, and grabbing my keys. I shoved them into my pocket, raced downstairs, and pulled the hood up onto my head when I noticed it was raining. I was in my truck within thirty seconds, and driving on the road in the next ten.

I saw them.

Maybe I was crazy now, and that was alright. I could live with being absolutely insane. That was perfectly… okay. If a rush of danger was what it took to see them, then a rush of danger was… what I would find.

  
  


* * *

  
  


This was so stupid, really. I was positive they wouldn’t be here, it wasn’t logical if they’d moved, but it still made sense to  _ try.  _ I could live being the only one that tried between the two of us. Equius was gone now, with no real interest in coming back. Karkat was busy too. Nepeta was with Equius, and everyone else only knew to treat me as though I was made of glass. At the very least, I was thankful my job supplied me with maps listing all the decent hiking locations in Washington State. I was only looking for a certain one — the one they’d gone to months ago — though it felt like years. The name still sat at the tip of my tongue, though I wasn’t sure why I’d memorized it. It was miles away, at least one hundred and fifty… but if I kept at a pace of seventy-five miles per hour, I’d get there in just over two hours. I pressed a little harder on the gas pedal, and chewed on my lip as I watched the meter go higher. If I went at eighty-five miles per hour, I’d get there in just under two hours.

I wasn’t sure what difference it even made.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, and tried to relax my shaky breaths. I  _ knew _ they wouldn’t be there. It’d be ridiculous for them to even go there, after moving and leaving everything behind. Besides, Kanaya saw the future… she’d see this joyride.

Silently, I wondered if the possibility of said joyride ending badly also intertwined with the possibility of them coming back. Their words were still loud in my head, their honey-like voice almost mocking with the way it danced between my ear ducts and brain, even as I narrowed my eyes in an attempt to drown it out. The attempts were stupid, and ridiculously pointless. Definitely mocking me now, the voice returned louder — the words succinct, pronounced with a sharp tongue.

_ “It’ll be as though I nev-ver existed… I w-won’t come back.” _

It seemed easier to blink through the growing water in my eyes, and focus on the long road ahead. I was sure I’d get lost somewhere along the way. Somewhere in my own head, most likely. Wasn’t that pathetic, though? I chuckled bitterly, shaking my head in an attempt to ease the stiffness along my neck. I felt tired, suddenly. Exhausted even. There was a reason for it, at least.

It’d been a long two weeks, and while I felt like  _ I really didn’t deserve a rest until I ran twenty marathons and found where they were located _ — I got why I was… tired. I accepted it, at the very least.

Accepting something different from the norm was a welcomed change.

  
  


The drive seemed less tedious the more I drifted my focus to simply recollecting my thoughts, and going over the self-certified shitfest that was the last few months since I moved to Forks. Once I was past the emotional side of it, instead looking on it all with the clarity that came with exhaustion, I wasn’t sure how exactly to feel. That was… new, I supposed. Maybe things were changing, in their own… strange way.

I wasn’t drowning in the waves anymore, simply floating above it once more. I pulled over for a second, actually trying to now consider what I was doing. Realistically, there was no possible way they’d still be in the hiking trails. There were… more forests in this world, for starters. Some better stocked than Washington’s, and aside from what I’d picked up during my lackluster ten hour shifts at the sporting goods shop, I didn’t know the first thing of hiking. I bit my lip, suckling absentmindedly at my left snakebite while trying to ignore the mental picture my mind had already painted.

_ Alone, something — some limbs broken, knowing me. I’d be bleeding out, alone like I deserve to be — with no bioluminescent golden eyes hovering over mine. I’d have died of my own accord, at the very least. _

I inhaled sharply, and swallowed to ease my dry throat as I reached for my phone, flipped it open, and dialed the numbers I’d avoided for weeks once more. It was selfish, only stringing people along when I needed an escape route out of Forks. I was selfish, and ridiculously. Pathetic, even. Fucking disgusting. I hit the call button, hoping I had a decent enough amount of signal for the call to work, and pressed the phone to my ear as I leaned back, and waited for a few seconds.

  
  


The first ring passed, and then the second. I closely considered how pissed my aunt and uncle would be if I decided to just make the four hour drive without letting anyone know beforehand, and what exactly my next course of action would be if they weren’t home either. On the fourth ring, right as I went to hang up to call again, the other line finally picked up.

“Sollux?” I ignored the confused tone in my mother’s voice, deciding to keep this short, and sweet. I just needed… some time away from Forks. I needed… to go home, at least for a week. They’d understand that, right? “...Sollux, are you alright?”

“I’m… going home.”

My voice sounded foreign, even to myself. It sounded distant, as though I didn’t actually exist — or, I did, but I simply… wasn’t in my own brain. I was staring at myself as I spoke, while outside of my own body. My own voice was an echo in my own brain, as though I was speaking while my head was submerged in water. Something like that.

“Why? Did something happen with your uncle?”

“No, no — I just… need to go home. For a bit. I mith… ‘Tuna. And… you. And dad.”

I was certain my own mother would never believe me, based on my stressed tone. Still, I started the truck again, and merged back onto the road, keeping my phone pressed to my ear. I was only twenty minutes or so away from Sequim now, and from there, it’d be an easy enough drive to Seattle. Two hours, give or take.

My mom audibly pressed her mouth together through the phone, as if clicking her lips in some form of distaste. She then exhaled, and I swallowed in response.

“Does… do your aunt and uncle know you’re coming home?”

“No, it’s not permanent, I just… want to visit you guys. You can… call them, I guess,” I bit my lip as I drove through the highway, ignoring the signs for now. I considered how much… time I wanted to be home, and then finally spoke. “...Can I stay… at least, I don’t know… a week? Maybe.”

“Honey, of course you can, but is everything even alri-”

“Okay, thank you. Pleathe… just, call them and let them know I’ll be home for a week. I think. I have to drive now, bye.”

I snapped the phone shut, tossing it aside to the passenger seat, and ignored the ringing that soon followed from it. I just… had to focus on driving home. I’d get home before… seven, likely, if I kept up at seventy miles per hour. That didn’t seem hard, whatsoever. I could even probably get there sooner, if I managed to not stop whatsoever, and just focused on driving there. 

I just had to get home.

I reached for the stereo, and turned the knob of the volume up, allowing my head to drown out in the constant stream of music I only  _ occasionally  _ recognized. It was all the same, in my incessantly desperate headspace. Just drums and bass, and whiny-bitchy lyrics about romance and depression I’d grown to understand.

  
  


That was utterly pessimistic, and ridiculous. It was true, though. I considered mockingly laughing at my current predicament, and gripped the steering wheel tighter, enough to make my knuckles turn white and possibly bruise _ — mirroring the alabaster fist seated on a thin, muscular thigh all those months ago, in that Goddamned Biology classroom —  _ every time a song had a particularly prominent, heavy chorus that made me consider how dramatic I’d go out if I simply… turned the wheel, hit the brakes, and let my truck spin into the concrete walls along the highway.

Maybe, in some sick twist of fate, it’d splatter my blood along the asphalt too. That’d get their attention, at least.

I shook my head to clear that thought process before I began  _ attempting it, _ and flexed each of my fingers once over, before tightening them along the steering wheel again, and focusing on just… driving.

Just driving far, far the fuck away from Forks.

  
  


* * *

  
  


I pulled into the driveway of my house just before eight o’clock, after a good thirty minutes of driving cluelessly around my childhood neighborhood, trying to remember exactly  _ which  _ roundabout led to my street. My house was easy to find, once I got the street right. It had the same half brick paneling as every other house on the street, but ours had the newly built ramp — nice, didn’t think the old man would pull it off — and the top half of the paneling was painted a light honey yellow, which my mother had insisted on years before. I’d loved the color, and the brightness of it all, when I was younger. Now, it only helped to make me cringe, and the emerald green door was a welcomed distraction.

I’d never thought I’d see the day where yellow made me uncomfortable, but here we were.

I turned off the ignition, pulling the keys from the car, and picked up my phone from the floor as I opened the door and stepped out. It felt strange, being back in this driveway. I recognized the old Hemlock in front of the house my parents had planted in the early eighties, before they had Mituna. It was decently tall, now. Still, for a twenty-three year old tree, it wasn’t gigantic either.

I twirled the keys between my fingers as I slowly made my way up to the porch, quickly realizing I was hesitating, and finding any remotely different thing to focus on, to prolong the inevitable.

  
  


Maybe, possibly, it was also to ease the growing unease in my gut. Despite the breakup — if you could even call it that — I’d never… truly thought I’d go back to Seattle. It simply… was something I would’ve never planned on. I liked Forks, despite my prior distaste. I liked the close knit community, and the fact that it was so small. I liked the comfort of knowing everyone, and not getting lost in the crowd. That was something I’d never planned on, either.

Before Forks, I’d loved the city. I loved that I was the cousin that lived in the city, and had the massive group of friends that I never really talked to, and the ability to really walk anywhere. I loved the smog in the air, and pickpocketing tourists in line for the space needle. 

Now, the prospects of that seemed like an honest curse.

  
  


Still, I was here. I wanted to be out of Forks, and… I was. I made my way up quickly now, and stopped right at the front door, considering whether or not I should simply burst in like I owned the place, or whether or not I should take the polite approach, and knock. It was the least I owed my parents, after cutting contact with them for… around eight months. I lifted a shaky hand to the painted door, and brought it against wood once, and then twice, and then thrice. 

Here I was, panicking over knocking on the fucking door of my own house. My entire life was a cosmic shitshow, with the string of galaxies coming together every few days to make my brain short circuit once more. At this point, I wasn’t surprised by the spike in my anxiety, or the hyperactiveness of my brain.

  
  


I simply expected it. It was better than the misery, at least. Though, that never really left either.

  
  


Exactly one hundred and thirty-five seconds later, the front door finally creaked open, and my mother’s face stuck out. For a split-second, she made an expression of relief, and then it shifted to the blatant annoyance I’d inherited.

I shoved my hands into my pockets as she opened her mouth to speak.

“You know, I’d really ought to lock you outside and leave you to freeze after you snuck out of your uncle’s house, drove four hours away, and didn’t answer my phone calls.”

“You should,” I agreed silently, shifting my weight to my heels. “...for the record, I didn’t sneak out. I just... left.” Her expression remained unamused, and I considered how likely it was I was going to get my ass beat with a shoe right here — before she simply frowned, and shook her head. 

She opened the door entirely, and opened her mouth to speak once more.

“That’s what they call sneaking out, Sollux. You’re lucky your father isn’t here, and you can sleep on the sofa bed. Latula still has your room.”

“That’s fine, I’ll… sleep on the floor, honestly. Isn’t ‘Tuna like… twenty though?”

My mother pursed her lips, and I was positive she was wondering if I was born backwards. She narrowed her eyes after a few seconds, staring me down as I walked inside, and kicked my boots off at the side of the door.

“I’m not ready to be a grandmother.”

“Fair enough.”

The conversation died off at that, and as I ate dinner silently at the table, I considered how much of the stuff in my closet probably remained in this house. If I was lucky enough, one of my computers probably stayed, and was functional. I had enough to buy a shitty laptop if it came down to it, but I was thinking of a specific program, and whether or not I could get arrested for it.

I swirled the cup of orange juice thoughtfully, like some pretentious rich prick, and chugged it the second my father opened the front door. He didn’t say much, except giving me a simple nod, and I stood up to help him put away the groceries, sitting back at the dining table once everything was settled away.

Maybe, in some sick way, this impulsive trip… made sense. If I was able to get my computer, I was able to likely get back some of the software I’d used years ago to fuck with pathetic losers on the internet, except, this time, I knew the pathetic loser I’d use it on. I knew them… thoroughly, at best.

  
  


That night, I slept on the couch with three layers of blankets over me, and woke up at three in the morning to make myself some cocoa, before going back to sleep. For once, I had no thoughts in my head. Nothing.

  
  


When I woke up to the sun peeking through the curtains of the living room, I almost blinked my eyes expectantly, half expecting the familiar nothingness to settle in, and the screaming to start.

There was… nothing. The ache in my chest was still there, the hole punched sharply through, and I was positive that’d never leave. I’d grow old and miserable with that hole still there. 

However, the lack of the nightmare caught me by surprise. I sat up, blinking once, and pulled my glasses on as I squinted towards the window, before looking down and noticing the neatly folded clothes on the coffee table.

After a long, almost necessary shower, and staring at my reflection for twenty minutes before  _ finally  _ bringing myself to shave off the stubble I’d ignored for far too long, I sat at the table with my parents, and chewed on a piece of toast as I stared at both of them, over and over.

  
  


Finally, once my father set the newspaper down and reached to take a sip from his mug of coffee, I opened my mouth.

“Did you guys keep my old computers?”

My mother raised a brow, before furrowing them in the exact way that mirrored my own confused expression. I looked down, focusing on my half bitten piece of toast to ignore the strange familiarity that gave me.

“The… ones that were in your closet?”

“Yeah, those.”

“I think we did keep those, yeah. They should actually still be there, just in a box.”

“Cool.”

  
  


I finished the toast, and then made myself my own mug of black coffee — which a single spoon of my father’s homemade honey stirred in, and drank it solemnly as I sat on the lounge chair in the backyard, narrowing my eyes towards the array of beehives he’d managed to keep over the years. I’d always hated those God awful things, but… the honey was way better than store bought, at the very least. They were good for one thing.

I sat outside in the yard for a bit longer, swirling the last remnants of the coffee and honey occasionally, while focusing on the bees.

At the very least, even despite the cold and the discomfort I felt, their constant buzzing helped to clear my head a bit. They were good for that, too. 

Still, even the buzzing wasn’t enough after a long while of sitting there, and staring directly at the striped things. In a weird, almost ridiculous way, I found myself appreciating their existence as I stood up and cracked my back, before hunching under the sliding door, and going back inside. I washed the cup, and set it on the dish rack, before simply… standing idle, and taking a breath.

  
  


I was out of Forks, which was… the good thing. It was what I wanted, above all. I was away from the awful mahogany forests, and the glass house full of nothing, and the barn with the shed behind it… I was away from the cliffs, and away from Karkat and Nepeta, and Equius, and above all… Eridan.

Their name sat at the tip of my tongue like a hidden secret, one I wanted to share with the world. The world deserved to know of their existence, and what they’d done. Whether that was out of anger… pettiness, or utter fascination, I wasn’t sure. Eridan Maryam was a disease, one that’d entered through my mouth, and had made its way through my body, inhabiting my fucking bloodstream, and taking over every part of my body that I was positive nobody would ever reach.

Leaving Forks didn’t get rid of the hole in my chest that they had punched out with their stupid, thin fucking fingers, and leaving Forks didn’t get rid of the ghost-like gusts of air I still felt along my nose, and chest.

They’d intertwined their being into mine off of their own selfish accord, despite their past warnings of how I should stay away. I’d never asked for this, for them to simply… take over me, like it was easy. I never wanted this. I wanted a miserable four months or so in Forks, and then I’d go back home. I wanted to possibly reconcile with Aradia, and go about my life in the same miniscule, pathetic way I always had before them. I wanted community college, not fucking  _ Dartmouth —  _ I wanted casual sex, drugs that’d fry my brain, and the chance to be a normal fucking human.

  
  


I never wanted Eridan Maryam, and what they’d done to me.

  
  


Yet, as my fists balled and relaxed over and over, as I considered whether I wanted to punch the perfect face that flashed into my mind like poetry or pull it close, pull the strings holding it together and watch it fall together at the seams  _ in my arms  _ — how could I ever be mad at them? I was never angry at them impacting my world like a neutron star collision, I was only mad they left me alone, broken and cracked at the corners to pull together the pieces.

There was no way I could ever even attempt to hold anger towards Eridan, even with all they’d done. They’d given me something I’d never experienced before, and the only part I held bitterness towards was the fact that I’d never experience that again. It was sick, offering the taste, and then pulling away the spoon. It was cruel, even.

  
  


It’d be easier to be angry.

  
  


It’d be easier to let the pain in my chest take over the rest of me, and function based on what made it feel better alone. I’d done that, with Equius. Now that I was hours away from him, I wasn’t even sure what exactly I missed. I’d hoped going home would have had the same effect on all the memories I harbored of Eridan, but instead, the aching only grew stronger the further I got. It was a strange pull, now. It was as though I’d left half of me in Forks, and the current me in Seattle was simply… floating above it all.

I missed my parents, of course. I missed my house, and apparently I’d missed the beehives — I certainly missed Mituna, even though I hadn’t said hi to him — and yet, all I thought about was them. They were a disease, something so magnetically opposite from my composition that it just… worked, and drew me closer to them.

The recklessness had fixed the feelings, at first. It brought me the visions of them, but I’d never get those here. Seattle was stagnant when it came to Eridan. Time was at a stalemate the longer I stood here, though I still aged, and they were simply… immortal, wherever they were. I brought my hand to my throat instinctively, and rubbed at my skin in caution. Judging by where my thought process was heading, the aching would grow stronger any minute now, and then the inability to breathe would follow.

  
  


It never did.

I simply collected my thoughts, and took another breath, as if settling that discussion down. That was new, too. Seattle was good for keeping me sane, at the very least.

It also offered me a newfound anonymity, and the ability to do the one thing I’d fought against for months. I just… had to find my computer. Wherever that was.

  
  


I got my shit together enough to where I was able to stand straight, and step out of the kitchen, and into the living room. I passed my mother a second glance as I walked to the hallway, not caring much for the ridiculous soap opera she was fixated on. At the very least, it gave her a reason to not focus on me. I was grateful for the lack of an overbearing nature my family possessed. My aunt and uncle — they were more tight knit, constantly checking on their kids. It was hard to get away with feeling any form of way there without someone prodding, or noticing. At home, it was… easy. They were always more focused on my brother, regardless, or making up for the lost hours of work caring for him had cost them. At least… he had Latula, now. I’d never talked to her much, but she kept him happy, and she was happy to be around. Mituna deserved that.

Even then, though, with Mituna taken care of and out of the way for the most part — they just… were never really around how they had to be. Well, how I  _ figured _ they should be. They had their lives, their own… worries, and I was eighteen now, so it didn’t even matter, but it still… sucked, the more I thought of it.

  
  


I was better off ignoring it, for now. I made my way to the hallway and stopped right at the door that led to my old — and Latula’s current — bedroom. I hesitated over knocking on it once more, wondering if she was even inside it, or whether or not I was even supposed to knock. I stood there for a good while, staring at the doorknob in an almost curious manner, contemplating over what exactly I should do, or what exactly I shouldn’t do — and then, the doorknob suddenly… twisted on it’s own, and the door pulled back.

I turned my head up, dazed, making eye contact with a… longer, fuller version of Terezi’s face, framed by long, straight black hair. I blinked once, before taking a step back and almost stumbling over on my own damn feet.

Latula only smiled, pulling the ends of her mustard colored cardigan around her frame, and looked me up and down, before raising a brow.

  
  


“You’re Sollux, right?” I found myself instinctively nodding, momentarily forgetting how exactly greetings worked. She looked almost identical to Terezi, save for a _few_ subtle differences, though they were apparent enough to drive me mad trying to pinpoint them. “...Cool, Mituna talks about you… all the time. It’s… sweet, it’s nice to finally meet you, dude.”

She held her hand out, and I examined the black latex glove that she had on before shaking it politely. Latula noticed my expression, and smiled at it, before deciding to explain it.

“Uh, Mituna likes… when I play video games. He likes watching me, and I wear gloves so I don’t dirty my controllers.”

“That… makes sense.” My words felt foreign coming from my lips, again. I felt strange, on a distant planet. I pressed my lips together for a second, ignoring Latula’s confused expression as I went over my current course of action in my brain over one time, and then once more. “...can I… get something from your closet? And, actually, is he in there?”

“He’s in his room, I was actually getting ready to go over there… you can come with… once you find what you’re looking for.”

It was easy to tell she was concerned for my mental sanity as I kept my expression distant, but I wasn’t… bothered by it. I took a step back, and she gave me another polite smile before turning to the door at the end of the hallway. I didn’t wait for her to open it, instead ducking under the doorframe and into my — her bedroom.

I ignored the way she’d redecorated the room I once had decked out with blacklights and posters of games I’d bought, instead making a beeline straight for the closet, and finding the box almost immediately. I pulled it down, not sure where the sudden rush or necessity for this to be done came from, and pulled out the miscellaneous parts of computers, setting them on the bed, before finally finding my long abandoned laptop, and the charger. I set the box aside, plugged the charger to the wall, and then connected it to the laptop, giving it a good… ten seconds, before pressing the power button.

  
  


I could’ve practically cried when I heard the fan slowly chirr to life, and then the startup  _ Windows _ noise. Best of all, it was actually fully charged. It seemed like a good omen, at the very least. Maybe, this was the proper course of action. In some strange twist of fate, maybe trying to doxx Eridan Maryam was what I should’ve done from the beginning.

I was fine with that. I was fine with the possibility that Kanaya would see this too, and warn them of it. I was fine with the possibility of this pushing them further away, and this could cause me to lose them forever. I was perfectly fine with the chance of this being the last piece of information I’d ever had of them.

  
  


I wasn’t fine with… not trying.

  
  


I shut the laptop off, and set all the pieces back into the box, along with the charger. I’d take those back to Forks with me, once I… decided to go back. Eventually. They’d sit in the closet for now. I picked the computer up from the bed, and left Latula’s room, a bit more… resolved. I felt better, now that I was sure… I’d have some piece of them.

Pieces, even, if I hadn’t gotten rusty.

As I walked to Mituna’s room, I considered all the classic methods I could use to bait them, and whether or not it’d be worth it. I had their e-mail address, or… one of them. I was positive Eridan wasn’t so incredibly sure of how technology worked to where they’d invest in a VPN, though even if they did, I could… figure something out. I could find the name of their ancestors, if they did decide to currently use their birth name, and see which names they’d possibly decided to reuse. I could break into the Forks High School records, and see where they sent all of their grades and student info to. 

If all else failed, I could… figure something else out.

  
  


I’d find them, and… I’d go from there. They didn’t get to just… back out.

  
  


When I opened the bedroom door, Mituna greeted me with a wide, almost surprised smile, and after excitedly talking with him about the new shows and games Latula had showed him, I sat on his bed, with his head against my chest as he took a nap, and the laptop on my lap. After copying Eridan’s fake e-mail, and running a reverse search on all of the records pertaining to their name, I dug my nose into Mituna’s hair, and exhaled as the laptop loaded the results.

* * *


End file.
